Monday, September 29, 2008

Hey Crackhead

A friend of a friend recently introduced me to the Best of Craigslist - online personal ads that have been voted by viewers to be especially amusing/ entertaining. I've posted one of my favorites below. It's really long, but well worth checking out. (That's what she said.)

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Posted to SF Bay Area Craigslist 03-27-2004

Hey Crackhead

Yes, you. You sick f***er. On Wednesday morning I emerged from my girlfriend's building by U.N. Plaza to find that you had sawed the tops off both the sparkplugs on my motorcycle. At the time, I had no idea why anyone would do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the bike was untouched. Some kind of bizarre vandalism? A fraternity prank gone awry? I had no idea. All I knew is that I looked like a huge douchebag riding the Muni to work in a padded motorcycle jacket and helmet.

Because the bike was immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping ticket that night. Thursday I had it towed to the shop ($45) where they replaced the sparkplugs and the boots ($50 including labor). They explained to me that "people" - I use the term loosely here - like you break off the tops of spark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke crack. As an engineer and former MacGyver fan, in a way I think this is kind of cool. But then I remember that I just paid $100 for YOUR crackpipes, and I get angry again.

Crackhead, it was really good to have my bike back though. I rode home from the shop with a couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my face. I figured the next time I parked at my girlfriend's place overnight I would have to buy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike as a peace offering. Overall, I wasn't that upset. Despite having to ride the bus for three days and dropping a hundred bones at the shop, I had gained some fascinating knowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and a pretty funny anecdote about how f***ed up you are, and how our paths once crossed briefly in the night.

But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you Crackhead. You couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman through the window of a home electronics store and then call it a night. You couldn't rest on your laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't enough for you, was it Crackhead? You just had to come back for more.

This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the shop, I found my motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the right one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I had a spare sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought - having ordered a 73-piece toolset from SEARS.com last week. But no, the sparkplug socket in my new toolset was for American sparkplugs. So I had to go down to the neighborhood Ace hardware. They had an 18mm socket that would fit over my sparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4" and 3/8" ratchets. So I had to buy a 1/2" ratchet along with the socket. Even though the clerk took pity on me and gave me the senior citizen discount (I'm 25) it still cost me $22 all told. Now, you might say that I should have just gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2" drive adaptor instead of springing for the whole ratchet. And to that I say "Shut the hell up, Crackhead, I'm not finished. And besides, I was eventually going to buy a 1/2" ratchet anyway so it's probably not worth it to take it back now."

OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Crackhead, that you have done me wrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally understandable. I've heard it is really fun, at first, and quite addictive. What I don't understand is,

YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRACKPIPE?

I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the Loin for a calculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because engineering is the main thing I do, I went and bought myself a calculator. The main thing you do is crack. How do you get by without a crackpipe? The other crackheads must clown on you non-stop. I mean, the f***ing saw you used to saw off my sparkplugs is probably worth five or ten bucks. Why not sell or trade it for a crackpipe? You really haven't put much thought into this, have you?

Please, Crackhead, please don't tell me you sold your crackpipe to buy crack. Even a stupid crackhead such as yourself couldn't possibly be that stupid.

I've decided that taping crackpipes to my motorcycle would be tantamount to appeasement. You have crossed a line, Crackhead - specifically California Street. You have come onto my own street and you have desecrated that which I hold dear. You have stolen from me, and you have caused me to spend the last half hour writing this post instead of engineering shit, and it is concievable, if not likely, that my boss could find out about this and fire me. I am hella pissed at you dude.

Here are my options as I see them:

1. Write a note saying that I have coated both of my sparkplugs in rat poison and tape it to my bike at night. You can thank Tim for that one, it was his idea.

2. Don't write a note, but just coat both sparkplugs in rat poison. This is probably closer to a punishment that would fit your despicable crime. I'm sure this is super illegal and shit, but it's not like anyone is going to miss you, Crackhead. Don't fool yourself.

3. Wait in an alley near my bike armed with my new stainless steel mirror-finish Ace Professional brand 1/2" drive socket wrench, my 18mm sparkplug socket, and my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and well balanced. I am not a large man, but I am angry.

In conclusion, Crackhead, why don't you just do both of us a favor and buy yourself a crackpipe? It will both enhance your crack smoking experience and save me a lot of time and felony assault charges. Think about it.

Sincerely,
Matt

*** If you are not the Crackhead that took my sparkplugs, please disregard this posting ***

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Technology is not for everyone

Recently a company named Robert Half Technology conducted a survey in which they asked technical support agents across the US to share the most odd help requests they have received.

Here are some of the actual questions asked of them:

"Can you reset the Internet for me?"

"Where can I get software to track UFOs?"

"My computer is telling me to press any key to continue. Where is the 'any' key?"

And my personal favorite:

"How do I get my computer's coffee-cup holder to come out again?" (The person had confused their CD-ROM drive with a drink holder.)

Monday, September 22, 2008

Truly breathtaking*

*Awesome title, I know.

I was watching Regis & Kelly last Friday and I saw a man named Tom Sietas break the world record for a person holding their breath underwater. He was submerged for 17 minutes and 19 seconds (approximately 17 minutes more than I can hold my breath)! Adding to the excitement is the fact that he beat the previous record held by douche bag extraordinaire David Blaine.





It should be noted that Kevin Costner is challenging the ruling. He is upset because he has been forbidden to compete for the record due to the fact that he has gills.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Top 5 comedians (+ worst ever)

1. [redacted]*
2. [redacted]*
3. [redacted]*
4. [redacted]*
5. [redacted]*

Worst: [redacted]*

*Sorry, I'm working in comedy now and can't afford to play favorites!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

More pick-up lines

If you were words on a page, you'd be fine print.

Hey baby, you've got something on your butt: my eyes.

I'm like chocolate pudding, I look like shit but I'm as sweet as can be.

Somebody call Animal Control because I just spotted a fox!

Monday, September 15, 2008

Celine Dion should be drowned

According to an old In Touch magazine I found lying around my house (my primary source for all news) Celine Dion used 6.5 million gallons of water in her Florida home last year. I did some research and found that according to the U.S. Geological Survey the average American uses approximately 33,000 gallons of water per year. Just what in the hell is Celine doing with the extra 6,467,000 gallons?! Her lawyer says that there was a "broken pipe" that went unnoticed for the better part of a year. That settles it - I'm officially moving her to the top of my "People to Kill" list.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Give me a C-R-A-Z-Y!

Mom allegedly uses daughter's ID to be cheerleader
Associated Press (article excerpt) - September 12, 2007

A 33-year-old woman is charged with stealing her daughter's identity to attend high school and join the cheerleading team. Wendy Brown, of Green Bay, faces a felony identity theft charge after enrolling in Ashwaubenon High School as her 15-year-old daughter, who lives in Nevada with Brown's mother.

"The defendant stated she wanted to get her high school degree and be a cheerleader because she had no childhood and was trying to regain a part of her life she missed," according to the complaint.

She allegedly attended cheerleading practices before school started, received a cheerleader's locker and went to a pool party at the cheerleading coach's house.

A high school employee, Kim Demeny, told authorities that the woman, posing at the teen, seemed very timid, told her she was not good in math and even cried when she talked about moving from Pahrump Valley High School in Pahrump, Nev. Demeny said she looked older than a student, but he believed her demeanor was consistent with that of a high school girl.

A school liaison officer started investigating Monday after Brown only showed up for the first day of classes last week, the complaint said.

The complaint also said the $134.50 check Brown gave to the cheerleading coach for her uniform bounced.

If convicted, she could face up to six years in prison and a $10,000 fine.