The first annual Douche Bag Awards

The following post was composed by guest writer, Mrs. Sims.

The dictionary defines the term “douche bag” as: 1). A device used to introduce a stream of water into the body for medical or hygienic reasons; 2). A jerk; a mean or rude person; an idiot or dim-witted individual; a person who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intelligence, and behaves ridiculously in front of others with no sense of how moronic he appears.

The world seems so full of douche bags these days that it is difficult to determine which of them deserve formal recognition. However, with the help of Mr. Sims, I have made the necessary critical decisions. It is time now to look back on 2008 and acknowledge each of these "men" with a Douche Bag Award, otherwise known as a “Mateo.”



Though the Mateos are not as prestigious as, say, the Oscars, I feel that the award communicates something even more important about its recipients. The following is a list of our picks for top five douche bags of 2008.

5. The Donald


Trump is what I like to call an old school douche bag. He was being a dick and gold plating his toilet seats before most of you reading this blog were even born. Trump causes women to become bulimic just by looking at them.

4. Jeff Probst


Not only is he condescending and insanely conceited, Probst also has a very limited vocabulary. For the past eight years of “Survivor,” Probst has introduced immunity challenges using the exact same phrasing: “Immunity: back up for grabs.” I have willed him to say something, anything, else but he will not use synonyms or any expression other than “up for grabs.” Probst is more interested in showcasing his own dimples, of which he is extremely fond, than in being a good TV host.

3. Joe Francis


Need I explain? This is the genius behind “Girls Gone Wild,” which, I believe, will always be remembered as the video series that marked the beginning of the apocalypse. Not only is this guy wrong on so many levels but, to top it off, he also dated the devil, or as she is more commonly known, Paris Hilton.

2. Jayden Smith


This kid is as spoiled as rotten milk. I’m not sure if Will Smith actually believes that arrogance is a virtue, but he sure seems to be proud that his son is growing up to be the most self-important, affected kid in Hollywood. Oh but wait, have you seen how talented young Jayden is? Oh my! And he doesn’t even have any technical training. Yeah, I’m sure he really earned a leading film role in “The Pursuit of Happyness” and his parentage has nothing to do with it. If Jada and Will were more concerned with the fact that their son now believes that the word happiness is spelled with a “y” and less focused on cultivating an ego that is too large for Jayden’s small body, the world would be a better place.

1. Spencer Pratt


If this “The Hills” actor(?) has a soul, it is as pale and unclean as the facial skirt he calls a beard. Spencer’s vicious idiocy is painful to watch. What kind of person marries his girlfriend, whom he also manages, as a publicity stunt? MTV must be proud to have a true diva back on the airwaves, but if this catty bitch doesn’t get knocked down to size soon, God help us all.

Honorable Mention: Summer’s Eve


I know what you’re thinking. Where’s Mario Lopez on this list? While AC Slater is a moderate douche bag, he technically falls under the category of “tool” or “grade A beefcake,” which earns him an entirely different award.

M-Lo


Special Category DBs
The following douche bags have been awarded category-specific acknowledgment.

Super Sleazy DB: Pat O’Brien
Likable DB: Dane Cook
“Musician” DB: Kid Rock
Roided Out DB: Carrot Top
Cheating DB: Charlie Sheen
On the Verge of being a DB DB: William Shatner

Feel free to add your own nominations as a comment. All douche bag nominees will be considered for the Douche Bag Lifetime Achievement Award.