Thursday, August 22, 2013

Another example of Australian badassery

Australia's official agency of tourism recently posted this photo on their Facebook page. They blurred out the kangaroo's privates as a joke, but apparently a bunch of people got upset and wrote in to complain.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Funny reviews just posted a bunch of funny reviews written by their customers. Here are my favorites.

BIC Cristal "For Her" Ball Pen

"I don't use it for vulgar endeavors like math or filling out a voter application, but BIC Cristal for Her is a lovely little writing utensil all the same. Ask your husband for some extra pocket money so you can buy one today!"
E. Bradley

"i live with my parents and when my dad found me using these pens he threw all of my things in the trash and now he's taking me on a hunting trip?"
john mcgowan

Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal

"Has anyone else tried pouring this stuff over dry cereal? A-W-E-S-O-M-E!"
J. Fitzsimmons

"Do you have any idea where this stuff comes from? It's excreted by squeezing the wobbly thingie on the UNDERSIDE OF A COW! That's hardly made clear anywhere on the label."


"They really need to put a warning label on this thing. Apparently, if you put it into your body, it turns into urine. Urine!"

E. Bonheim

Accoutrements Horse Head Mask

"It's not big enough to completely cover a horse's head, and it doesn't provide enough air flow for them, either."

"By wearing this mask, I was able to get anything and everything I needed. Plenty of hay, lots of time to run and, best of all, I no longer have to wear pants."

T. C. Zimmermann

"It is day 87 and the horses have accepted me as one of their own. I have grown to understand and respect their gentle ways."


How to Avoid Huge Ships

"I bought How to Avoid Huge Ships as a companion to Captain Trimmer's other excellent titles: How to Avoid a Train, and How to Avoid the Empire State Building. These books are fast paced, well written and the hard won knowledge found in them is as inspirational as it is informational. After reading them I haven't been hit by anything bigger than a diesel bus. Thanks captain!"

Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable

"Transmission of music data at rates faster than the speed of light seemed convenient, until I realized I was hearing the music before I actually wanted to play it. Apparently Denon forgot how accustomed most of us are to unidirectional time and the general laws of physics. I tried to get used to this effect but hearing songs play before I even realized I was in the mood for them just really screwed up my preconceptions of choice and free will. I'm still having a major existential hangover.

Would not purchase again."

Matthew Sidor

Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt

"Unfortunately I already had this exact picture tattooed on my chest, but this shirt is very useful in colder weather."

"I had a two-wolf shirt for a while and I didn't think life could get any better. I was wrong. Life got 50% better, no lie."

Seth G. Macy

Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer

"For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. "Use a knife!" they say. parole officer won't allow me to be around knives. "Shoot it with a gun!" Background check...HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed."

"As shown in the picture, the slices is curved from left to right. All of my bananas are bent the other way.”

J. Anderson

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

This rant is bananas

Do you hate the "dine in" banana experience? Is the preparation, the cutlery, and the cleanup all just too much for you to handle? Well, friend, you're in luck. For just five times the price of one of those tedious grocery store bananas, Starbucks is now offering hassle free "to go" bananas!

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Low calorie rant

There is a truck parked on my street advertising some type of pita bread wrap. The claim on the side of the truck is that their product has "half the fat and half the carbs of regular bread." While I am sure this is true, you have to consider the fact that a pita wrap also contains half the bread.

This sparked a business idea. I am going to start selling candy bars door-to-door. Each one will taste exactly the same as a regular candy bar, but will have half the fat and half the calories! Here's a photo of my invention.

Thursday, August 08, 2013

So that's what that is! (#2)

Here are some more things that I have always wondered about but never bothered to look up (until now).

1. How tall was Napoleon?

2. What is the furthest distance between two points on the surface of the earth?

3. How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?


1. There is some debate, but Napoleon Bonaparte is generally believed to have been 5 foot 7 inches tall.
2. The farthest you can ever get from your landlord is approximately 12,451 miles (until he dies and goes to hell, of course).
3. I just conducted this (delicious) experiment for myself and I got 633.

Tuesday, August 06, 2013

Professor Nutbag

I was going through a box of papers the other day and came across some notes from my teaching credential program. I had a few crazy teachers, but the instructor for my EELB 533 class took the cake. The notes below are from one of her classes. She droned on about herself while I wrote down key points of her monologue.

Click the images to make them bigger.

Monday, August 05, 2013

Patented tent consistently, persistently, portents attention!

I just got a new tent and I like it so much I have to blog about it! It's huge, and it only takes a minute to put up. I am not exaggerating. I put it up by myself in one minute (and took it down in two). Definitely the best tent I've ever owned.

2011 Model Coleman 14x10 Foot 8 Person Instant Tent

Friday, August 02, 2013

Free Slurpees!

For one day only, 7-Eleven stores across the nation will be giving out FREE Slurpees. The promotion takes place on July 11th (7-11). Tell your friends!

NOTE: This post was delayed because of the More Rants than Raves "beer reviews every day in July" event. Sorry for any inconvenience.