Way to go, man!

Man's ashes to be scattered in fireworks display
Associated Press (article excerpt) - October 22, 2014

A Missouri funeral director is sending his father out with a bang. His father's ashes, anyway.

Greenlawn Funeral Homes will hold its first Firework Memorial program on Saturday night, when fireworks packed with James Carver's cremated remains will be launched skyward as part of his family's goodbye.

Carver's family is the first to try Greenlawn's new program. His son is funeral director Jim Carver, who says his father, who died in 2008, loved watching fireworks and would appreciate the unusual send off. The family will follow the eight-minute fireworks display with a cookout and memorial celebration.

Twenty tweets

Now that I'm more active on Twitter, I've realized how ephemeral the medium is (now that's some fancy talk!). I'm just making a guess here, but I'd wager that most people don't look past the most recent 20 tweets or so on anyone's account. I work really hard on creating original jokes to post and I would hate to have my little nuggets of humor (wait, scratch that, let's say "comedic gems") get lost in the flock (get it?). In order to prevent this I have decided to post my tweets on this blog in batches of 20 (jokes only-no mentions or hashtag game entries). If you like this stuff (and honestly, who wouldn't?) be sure to follow me on Twitter! (I used a lot of parentheses in this post!)

Business is business (whatever that means)

Check out this business card that was left in my mailbox! I don’t know what’s better, the fact that you can hire cats to move your furniture, or that a guy named Johnnie Bravo is running the company.

Speaking of business cards, I recently had some printed. The message isn't the same when viewing the card in a digital format, but you get the idea.

Emo? Gee!

After some careful reflection I realized that I got way too excited about emojis in my last post. Instead of using them in every future post, I have decided to use a shitload of them in this post, and then probably never use them again. Let's get this out of my system.



(Emojis from getemoji.com.)

⚡Super Chargers!⚡

I have to take a second here to brag about my favorite football team. The Chargers are on a five game win streak and are looking great for the playoffs! I've hung in there through thick and thin for over 13 years and it looks like I'm finally going to see them get their due. To celebrate, here are some drawings by Pixar animator (and Chargers fan), Bobby Rubio.





He even drew quarterback Phillip Rivers in his signature bolo tie!



P.S. Did you see the emojis in my title?! I'm going to use those damn things every time I post from now on! It really classes up the post, don't you think?! This calls for more exclamation points!!!


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Who's The Man?

I recently came across a test that determines whether a person is a narcissist. It's called the Narcissistic Personality Inventory and you can take it for yourself here. (Time Saving Hint: If you are super excited about taking the test because it is all about you, then you're probably a narcissist.)

I scored a 19 on the test, which means that I got the highest possible score without being a narcissist. Best score ever! Frankly I'm not surprised because I am excellent at everything I do. (I even scored a 0 in the vanity category, which means I'm even great at being humble!)



What was surprising to me was that the average is so low. My theory is that the test was created by The Man to keep the population in line. If you analyze the data it looks like the "correct" answers include statements such as "I prefer to blend in with the crowd" and "I don't mind following orders." Damn The Man!

FYI, I did a quick Google Image search for The Man and came up with the following results. Keep your eyes peeled!

Face wig

Tyra has really outdone herself this time. The current cycle of ANTM is possibly the most ridiculous yet (and that is saying A LOT). I haven’t watched the show in a long time but I was totally blown away when I tuned in to see a male model’s makeover. Tyra gave him something she called a “beard weave.” The stylist basically glued a strip of rat hair to the guy's face and called it a day.



They recently tried to fix it and I think it actually got worse.

Two-timing timer

My kitchen timer has been cheating on me! My timer is a pretty unique item, given to my wife and I for a wedding present seven years ago. As far as I know the timer is no longer on the market. So imagine my surprise when I was flipping through the pages of Reader’s Digest (not while on the toilet, btw) and I came across an article featuring a photo of my kitchen timer taking part in some type of culinary orgy! There he was, squished at the bottom of a sexy food stack, slathered in oil.





I know some of you might be asking why I'm referring to my timer as a “he” and not a “she.” First of all, I checked and he is definitely a he (and yes, the carpet matches the drapes). Secondly, you need to ask yourself why you are insisting that my timer is a girl. Why would you assume that? Because the timer spends its life in the KITCHEN? Real nice.

Now, I know he has a lot of free time on his hands (get it—time?), but I am concerned. To be honest, I'm scared that he's going to make the same mistake as other kitchen accessories before him. Just look at that teacup from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast.



Last I heard, Chip was working as a crunk chalice. And you can bet he isn’t briming over with tea, if you know what I mean.

My rental car is a fascist

I’m driving a rental car right now and it is trying to control my life. The car is equipped with this thing called “MyKey” which limits the speed you can drive and the volume you can play the radio. It even goes so far as to shut down the stereo if you aren’t wearing a seatbelt, commanding you to "buckle up” in order for it to turn your music back on.