Saturday, November 29, 2014

Hobophobia

I realize that after reading my last post, some of you may have gotten the impression that I am a hobophobe. I want to go on record and state that I am not anti-hobo. In fact, I used to be one.

Here's the only photo that exists of that dark period of my life. I may look happy, playing my harmonica while blissfully unaware of the shiv sticking out of my abdomen. But if you look closely you will notice that my eyes are burning with trash fire smoke and rage.



In an effort to make things right, I've decided that every time I write the word "hobo" on this blog, I will donate a can of baked beans to Hobotat for Hobmanity. This nonprofit charity is dedicated to providing bindle sticks, handkerchiefs, jugs of wine, iTunes gift cards, and anything else an old fashioned train hoppin' hobo needs to survive in this crazy world.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Stink, stank, stunk

Who thinks this is a good idea?



The person running this place must be a straight up Grinch. And not the cool Grinch from the classic 1960’s cartoon. The freaky, nightmarish Jim Carrey version.

I cannot imagine who this advertising is appealing to. Resentful Englishmen who want to enjoy an anti-Thanksgiving meal? Orthodox Jews who just happen to be craving a Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger on December 25th?

Some might argue that hobos cannot afford a traditional holiday meal and might like to eat at a fast food restaurant during the holidays. That is just crazy. Hobos don't want to eat Jack In The Box on holidays. Jack In The Box is like hobo home base. You can't throw a jalapeƱo popper around a Jack In The Box without hitting a hobo. Those deep fried tacos are hobos' bread and butter. Probably because the tacos are cheaper than actual bread and butter. But I digress.

Thanksgiving and Christmas are the two days of the year that hobos can get real food in the form of turkey served to them at a shelter by a hipster with a heart of gold wearing a designer beard hairnet he found on Etsy.

So have a heart Jack In The Box boss. Close your doors and give your employees little time off. Even if they don't celebrate the holidays, I'm sure they'll enjoy some time away from all those stinky hobos.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Pine whine

City's 'ugly' Christmas tree prompts public outcry
Associated Press (article excerpt) - November 22, 2014

A Christmas tree that might make Charlie Brown think twice is getting kicked to the curb a little early after residents of a Pennsylvania town complained it was too ugly.

Reading's spindly 50-foot spruce drew the ire of residents who said it was ruining their holiday spirit.

Now a group led by the city council president is raising money to buy and decorate a more impressive replacement. The current tree is topped with a lighted pretzel, a nod to the area's many bakeries.



Friday, November 21, 2014

A tale of woe

Check out the message written on this hot sauce packet.



I realize that the guys in Taco Bell’s ad department are forced to “think outside the bun” in order to come up with creative ads, but they are clearly not considering the consequences of their actions. Take this true story for example.

A friend of mine’s wife found one of these packets in his coat pocket one morning. She kicked him out (after 20 years of marriage!) and he had nowhere to go (we’re really not that good of friends).


That night he started sleeping in his business office. One morning his boss came in early and caught him dry humping the copy machine. The guy explained that he was "lonely" but his boss was unsympathetic and fired him on the spot. Now he lives on the street.


And you want to know the worst part of this story? The only job he could get after being fired was at Taco Bell. Oh the irony!

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Potent quotables

Every month Reader’s Digest publishes a selection of “Quotable Quotes.” The list usually contains some quality quotations, mixed with other quotes whose “quotability” could be called into question. One example of a questionable quote is the following advice given by Amelia Earhart:

DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT THE GOAL IS WORTH THE RISKS INVOLVED. IF IT IS, STOP WORRYING.

Yeah, I’m going to take advice on risk assessment from a woman who disappeared off of the face of the earth while pursuing her goal.

The most ridiculous quote of the month is from an artist named Michele Oka Doner:

THE CLOSED FIST RECEIVES NOTHING.

It sounds like something Confucius would say after having one too many Zimas. I added a few alternative conclusions to the quote.

The closed fist receives nothing.
But it does pack a hellofa punch.

The closed fist receives nothing.
Unless you balance something carefully on top of it.

The closed fist receives nothing.
Also, there is no such thing as an “open fist.”

The closed fist receives nothing.
And even if it could receive something I still wouldn’t give you any money, you dirty hippy.

The closed fist receives nothing.
But the open hand can receive a truly rad high five.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Me want cookie!

My son and I are smack in the middle of a "boys weekend!" My wife and daughter are out of town, so my son and I are having fun doing lots of manly stuff. This morning we went to the grocery store and then we went shoe shopping. Next on the agenda: baking cookies! In the spirit of manliness, here are some photos of cool looking cookies from pastry chef Amber Spiegel.







Saturday, November 08, 2014

Street sweeper rant

Every week my neighbors and I engage in a sort of vehicular ballet, moving cars from one side of the street to the other in order to avoid a street sweeping ticket. The most irritating part is that the sweeper doesn't do a damn thing. The vehicle zooms past my house, stirs up dirt from my gutter, and shoots it out into the street. While the sweeper is doing it's dirty business, meter maids and meter manservants (the male version of a maid is a "manservant"-I looked it up) drive through the neighborhood handing out $50 tickets like they're going out of style.

Growing up, I never had a street sweeper come by my house. Every week my father would go out and dig a pathway through waist-high trash so that I could walk to school. When I blew out the candles on my birthday cake, I didn't wish for a Teddy Ruxpin, I wished for the "trash fairy" to come and sweep away the filth from my front yard. Now that I'm an adult, however, I have realized that there are things worse than trash. And those things are dirty rotten street sweepers.

Wednesday, November 05, 2014

Mo coupons mo problems

I have been playing the Monopoly game at McDonald’s lately (by “playing” I mean tearing paper off of food containers, and by “McDonald’s” I mean DON’T JUDGE ME). I recently got two coupons for free food, but I was told I could only use "one coupon per person.”



I know I can use both coupons if there are two people in my car, but how does McDonald's know I’m not going to eat all the food myself? What if the only other person in my car is my baby? Does a baby count? They can’t eat solid food, but they are still human beings. Even McDonald’s has to admit that babies are human beings. Does the passenger in my car even have to be human? People treat their dogs better than humans. What if I genuinely want to feed my dog a Big Mac?!*

*If you think I'm a monster for feeding my dog fast food, please consider that he is on his deathbed with hours to live and has always wanted a Bic Mac even though all I ever fed him was expensive vegan dog food and kale juice shakes. Now who’s the monster?

Saturday, November 01, 2014

Twenty tweets two

Twenty more original jokes!