Friday, December 25, 2015

Merry Christmas!

Can you spot the addition my four-year-old made to this nativity scene?


Hint: He's a wise man bearing gold.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Only 4 shopping days 'till Christmas!

Nothing says Merry Christmas like a Tootin Santa Farting Santa Butt Holiday Ornament.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Creative destruction

Some friends of ours recently gave our 1-year-old daughter a pack of really cool egg-shaped crayons. My daughter has been having a blast walking around our house drawing all over the walls. Last month she found an even more creative use for them: covering my insides with hot wax.

The other morning I noticed that my coffee tasted a little "off." After drinking half a cup I finally got the energy to get up and investigate the situation. What I discovered is that my daughter, in an effort to help out around the house, had washed her blue egg crayon in the dishwasher!

Every dish was covered in a thin film of wax that needed to be scoured off by hand. Between her and her brother, we're in for some serious trouble.



Wednesday, December 09, 2015

This post is brought to you by the letters O, C, and D

I found a cool tip chart in Real Simple magazine a few months ago. I scanned it and then spent an hour reformatting it so it would fit nicely on my blog.





Thursday, December 03, 2015

Internet ads are the worst!

Here are some ads I saw on Twitter, accompanied by some sassy comments from yours truly.


It's pretty tasteful that this article didn't include the sexiest dead female travelers.



Click the link to read more!



First off, this ad must have been sent to me by mistake, since I'm definitely a dude (I checked).

Secondly, what the hell is this?! "All the guys in your life are going to die off. GET READY TO PARTY!!!"

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Turd is the word

Southern California campsites are EXPENSIVE. Can you believe they charge six bucks to take a dump?!



I went hiking on a camp trail last week and snapped a shitty (pun intended) photo of the campsite rules. I cannot believe they are charging by the bowel movement. How is this even regulated? Do you have to sign a log (pun intended) book in the outhouse?

In an effort to be helpful, I have come up with two suggestions that might reduce the strain (pun intended) on a camper's budget.

Tip #1 Night shitting. If you can manage to hold it through the day, you can sneak out at night and crap like a cat. In terms of location, you'll have the pick of the litter (pun intended) and can go (pun intended) wherever you please.

Tip #2 (Pun intended) If you can't hold it 'till nightfall, there is another option. I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure camp rangers are not allowed to enter your tent no matter how bad it smells.

If you use these simple tricks you'll save dozens of dollars. You might even save up enough to buy a new tent!



I know I've been blogging a lot about turds and farts lately, and I'm sorry. I've been changing a lot of diapers so maybe the whole "write what you know" thing is true. Either way, I promise this will be the last entry having to do with poo.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

The Last Man on Earth Drinking Game!

I created a Last Man on Earth drinking game! Click on the image below to print it out and play along.

Tip: Make sure to laminate the game sheet if you plan on playing from your margarita pool.




The game contains spoilers so make sure you're all caught up! Click here to watch the most recent episodes on FOX.com.

Sunday, November 08, 2015

The name’s Danger Sims. Ryan Danger Sims.

This morning my baby daughter pointed to this ad and said, "Dada!" (And no, she was not pointing to the guy in the back wearing the Cobra Kai skeleton costume.)

She gets MAJOR points for this one (especially considering what her big brother said a couple years ago).




I'll decide when he's had enough, man!

Thursday, November 05, 2015

Snow wars

Check out this scene from the cover of the Toys "R" Us holiday catalogue.



Why does Darth Vader have his lightsaber out during a snowball fight?! Please, everyone just LET HIM WIN!

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Self-Flatulation

Earlier this month I mentioned my new "Fartdoctor" title. I regret to report that I may be in over my head. People are making inquiries about my medical background and I'm scrambling. Maybe my dad was right when he said I don't have what it takes to be a Fartiologist.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Hotline zing

Out of all the memes for Drake's "Hotline Bling," this one is my favorite.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Spooky

This is getting ridiculous. Even the Halloween decorations are addicted to their cell phones.

Friday, October 09, 2015

Take it down a notch, Doug

Last week I found out about a site called iPet Companion that lets you interact with animals in shelters from your computer in real-time. I haven't used the service yet, but it seems like a great way to play with animals without getting any of their filthy animal germs on you.

While the video feature is cool, watching the live chat is where the real entertainment is.

Saturday, October 03, 2015

I'm really elevating the discourse on QuizUp

The QuizUp trivia app gives out titles for advancing and I was recently awarded one of its highest honors.



Can you believe this T-shirt is only $40?!

While I didn't buy the shirt, I am not above bragging to random strangers through the app.


Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Putting Songs on Blast! #9

SONG: Thinking Out Loud (yes, I'm putting this song on blast again)
ARTIST: Ed Sheeran
LYRIC: "People fall in love in mysterious ways."

People fall in love by meeting through friends, going to bars, and finding each other on dating sites. I didn't know why Sheeran was so mystified as to how people fall in love until I read an interview of his dad talking about how he met the love of his life. Here's an excerpt:

"Well, it's a funny story. Back in '65 I was abducted by aliens. After they finished probing me and such, they dumped me naked in a field. Wouldn't you know it, Imogen was milking some animals at a farm nearby and saw me fall from the spaceship. I'll tell you what, when she strolled over and poked me with a stick to see if I was alive, I knew I'd met the one.

"Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars."

That's pretty specific, Ed. How are you going to be sure there are exactly 1,000 stars overhead? Do you have a "star counter" in your entourage?

Also, you'd think he'd be a little more cautious about being outside at night, given his family history of alien abduction.

SONG: Post To Be
ARTIST: Omarion (feat. Jhene Aiko and Chris Brown)
LYRIC: "He gotta eat the booty like groceries . . . if he wants me to expose the freak."

Let me get this straight, a guy has to eat your ass and then you'll "expose the freak?" WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU EXPOSE THE FREAK?!

Friday, September 18, 2015

Orange is the new lemon

I don't know who's up for the next Nobel Prize, but my money's on Keith Villa. According to this Blue Moon commercial he's the one who invented putting an orange in beer.


In the beginning God created the orange. Then, later, Keith Villa was like "put it in a beer."

Leonardo da Vinci, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Edison and now, Keith Villa. I'm surprised they don't print his phone number on every bottle so that people can call him and personally thank him for his contribution.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Karate party!

Check out this Evite theme for kids parties:



The part before the destroyed house/multiple injuries/parent lawsuits would be awesome!!!

Friday, September 11, 2015

A boy named Bullsmack

I'm playing a game where you design a fallout shelter, run the fallout shelter and create names of people born in your fallout shelter. It's called Fallout Shelter!

I really think I have a knack for this naming thing. Contact me if you're expecting a baby and would like a consultation!



MAJOR UPDATE (9/18/15): Happy to report that Croptop Flipflop, Beer Bong, and Tip Penis have joined the fallout shelter!

Tuesday, September 08, 2015

To mock a mockingbird

The front cover of the new book Just Mercy features a review claiming it’s superior to a classic work of literature.



I came up with some "quotes" that publishers can use to promote upcoming books. That's right, I put the word "quotes" in quotes. Twice!

"This book makes Moby-Dick look like a raging dumpster fire."

"This book makes A Tale of Two Cities look like A Tale of One Cul-de-sac."

"This book makes Fahrenheit 451 look like Fahrenheit 60 with a Chance of Rain."

"This book makes One Hundred Years of Solitude look like One Hundred Years of Stupid Bullshit."

"This book makes Tom Jones look like Tom Jones (the singer)."

Wednesday, September 02, 2015

My new business cards (they fancy)


FRONT


BACK

Tuesday, September 01, 2015

My autobiography (short version)

Everything you need to know about me is in my Evite bio.

Monday, August 31, 2015

Maryland loves pants

A company called SwiftKey recently created a map of the US that shows the "most used emoji" in each state. I split the map to show more detail.

Some of the emoji's make sense (Hawaii=surfing, Iowa=corn, Oklahoma=spooky ghosts). Other emojis leave a lot of questions. For example, why is Nevada using the phallic eggplant thing so much? And what the hell is going on in Louisiana?!





If you visit to the interactive map you can click on each state for details. That's how I learned that people in Utah are really into oral sex with aliens.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Ryan Danger Sims on HuffPost Live

I was recently contacted by The Huffington Post and asked to participate in an interview with Paul Scheer and Rob Huebel! Check out the video below. I come in at the 23:30 mark, looking distracted while feeding my daughter (who's in her highchair offscreen).

Update (7/1/17): The video no longer plays on HuffPost! They're probably just trying to avoid having to pay me backdated residuals once I make it big.

Friday, August 21, 2015

Helpful site

Wanted to share a very useful website. I check it dozens of times a day for updates.

isitchristmas.com

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

I'm thinking zero moves ahead

Started playing Chess with Friends with my brother. It is not going well. Here are some screen shots of our conversation while playing. (He's the yellow A, I'm the blue dude with no face.)



Monday, August 17, 2015

Rant (no caption necessary)

Friday, August 14, 2015

Putting Songs on Blast #8

SONG: Papa Was A Rollin' Stone
ARTIST: The Temptations
LYRIC: "Papa was a rolling stone, wherever he laid his hat was his home. And when he died, all he left us was a loan."

It's bad enough the guy wasn't around, but the fact that he left his kids to deal with his financial problems is inexcusable.

SONG: Love Me Like You Do
ARTIST: Ellie Goulding
LYRIC: "Touch me like you do."

It is impossible NOT to touch someone "like you do." The fact that the lyrics are phrased in the present tense means that the person could touch her however they wanted and it would be "like they do." They could literally just be flicking her in the eyeball.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Doctor's orders

Check out this prescription I found posted above a gas pump:



Now print this out, mail it to your boss, and BOOM! You're off work until the end of summer! When you finally return to work on September 22nd, make sure you give your boss a big thank you hug.*

*Bonus: If your boss fires you for leaving work and not coming back for 5 weeks you can sue Chevrolet and possibly never have to work again!

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Zen merch



I can't think of a better way to "live in the moment" than to spend $8 on a box of rocks.

Tuesday, August 04, 2015

Phil's Birthday Surprise

I wrote an episode idea for the second season of The Last Man on Earth. Here it is for your consideration.

While on their road trip, Carol finds out it’s Phil’s birthday. She gets excited and starts planning. Carol sneaks off one night and we see her driving towards Tucson. She’s back by morning, but Phil gets curious and starts asking questions. Carol hints that she’s putting together a kind of sexy birthday surprise for him.

Phil becomes convinced that Carol has asked one of the ladies from Tucson to have a threesome with them for his birthday. Carol seems to confirm his theory by making references like, “I know you’re a curious camper, Phil.”

When the big moment arrives Carol leads Phil into their bedroom and we see that Phil was right. Carol has planned a threesome . . . with the mannequin from the pilot. Carol has put the mannequin back together and made a craft project out of making her “sexy” by bedazzling her with glitter and dressing her in hand-knitted lingerie. At first Phil is upset that it’s not one of the other women, but when Carol starts awkwardly kissing the mannequin and bringing its arm up to “caress” her side, Phil shrugs off his disappointment and gets into it.

At this point the scene could go a few different ways.

• There could be a super-awkward sex scene between the three characters.
• Carol could get jealous and Phil would have to settle for the mannequin sitting in the corner, “watching.”
• Carol could introduce a male mannequin into the mix once things get hot and heavy, at which point Phil becomes jealous.

Saturday, August 01, 2015

Congratulations to everyone involved in this project



What exactly is going on here? Someone got scissors to cut out a small piece of paper, wrote a message with a Sharpie, highlighted the message to add emphasis, and attached the note with packing tape. Did anyone think of maybe just replacing the pen?

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Top 5 lions (+ worst ever)

1. Lambert the Sheepish Lion
2. Brave Heart Lion (Care Bear Cousin)
3. Leo the Lion (MGM)
4. Mufasa
5. Cowardly Lion

Worst: I'm not even going to say because I don't want to be harassed by all the people who are rallying behind Cecil the lion to attack that dickhead dentist who killed him. All lions are great, okay?

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Monday, July 27, 2015

When four eyes just aren't enough

I was walking by Costco's optical department and saw this ad:



I don't need glasses, but I might fake an eyesight problem in order to get a pair of these bad boys. I've always wanted to view the world in High Definition. I do have some questions though. Are they 1080p? Do they come with an HDMI cable, or do I need to buy one separately? Also, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAP THEY'RE JUST REGULAR GLASSES!

Saturday, July 18, 2015

A questionable promotion



I drove by a local business and noticed this poster in their window. As if waiting for the results of an HIV test isn't stressful enough!

I can just see the doctor giving out the results: "Sir, I have some bad news . . . you did not win the car. What's that? Oh no, you don't have HIV! Bummer about the car though, right?"

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Speaking of pants. . . .

How did these pants happen?



How did these pants go from concept, to manufacturing, to being sold, to being bought, to being actually worn? In public? I would love to have been a fly on the wall when these things were being designed.

"Okay, next up is Larry's 'word pants' idea. Have we decided how many times the word 'rich' should be printed on the ass crack?"

"We're thinking five. Four is clearly not enough and everyone agrees that six would be tacky."

"Good thinking Herbert! That's why you're the best pantsman in the biz. Now, what are your thoughts on devil nuts?"

Tuesday, July 07, 2015

Quiz in your pants!

QuizUp is a trivia game you can carry in your pocket! The app creates a custom chart that's supposed to reflect your knowledge base. It's pretty uncanny how accurate mine is.

Friday, June 26, 2015

My driver's license photos

I've been taking crazy driver's license photos since 1999. Here's my updated collection!























Monday, June 22, 2015

Liam Neeson's resume


Saturday, June 20, 2015

Urban Death Project

A Kickstarter campaign called the Urban Death Project recently made almost $100,000. The name may sound like a supervillain's master plan, but don't worry. All they want to do is turn your loved ones into compost.

The Urban Death Project argues that there's too much waste and pollution involved in traditional burial services. With their process, bodies will be "laid to rest atop a three-story core containing material that facilitates decomposition, a lot like what happens on the forest floor."

I'm not sure how much they're going to charge for this service, but I plan on giving them a run for their money. For 50% of whatever they charge, I'll throw your loved one in the back of a truck and dump their body in a field. They don't even have to be dead.

Also, my composting services won't be limited to the hip "urban" dead. I'll take people from any location: the suburbs, trailer parks, dudes living on houseboats, whatever.

Don't settle for a decomposition that's "a lot like what happens on the forest floor" when your loved one can be left to rot on an actual forest floor! I won't use a coffin, cement plot, or "three-story core." My method is simple: your dearly beloved, lying dead in a ditch. You can't get any more "ecologically sustainable" than that.*

*Disclaimer: This is a joke. Please do not contact me about disposing of dead bodies.

Friday, June 19, 2015

The power of positive thinking

I know it's hard to make out, but the bumper sticker in this photo says:

It's not how DEEP YOU FISH
It's how you WIGGLE YOUR WORM




This guy is a testament to the power of positive thinking. He's not ashamed of his tiny worm dick. He's spreading the word all around town. Way to go, dude!

Monday, June 15, 2015

I saw this sign



Although well intentioned, this may be the least helpful sign in the world. It's posted on a beach, with no follow up signs or directions. It might as well just say "RUN!"

In order for this sign to be effective, the following criteria must be met:

1. Someone must happen to be standing within a few feet of the sign during a tsunami.
2. That person must be able to recognize that they're in the middle of a tsunami, but not understand that they're supposed to run away from the ocean.

That's a pretty slim demographic they're going for, but I guess if it saves even one life it'll have been worth it.