Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Taking The Elf Off The Shelf: What Santa’s Little Snitch Can Do For You

Elf on the Shelf is a popular plush toy that sits on your mantle, “watching” your kids. Children know that they need to be on their best behavior, because the elf reports directly to Santa.

Now you can utilize this powerful Orwellian tool in other aspects of your life! Here are some alternate uses for Elf on the Shelf, along with statements from satisfied customers.

Elf at the Office
“I used to steal paper by the ream, but I just can’t with that little demon watching my every move.”
–Sally, Bad Employee

Elf on the Dash
“I have five DUIs. Five. Before Elf on the Dash, nothing could stop me from getting behind the wheel while drunk. That little bastard changed all that. He is my best friend and I will not disappoint him.”
–Hank, Crazed Alcoholic

Elf on the House
“I live in a very dangerous part of town. I used to pay good money for home security, but not anymore. With that toy elf stapled to my door, I feel safer than I ever have. I took the bars off my windows and stopped locking my door. Nobody’s gonna rob me if it means they won’t be visited by Santa–that just doesn’t make sense!”
–Billbert, Not the Brightest Bulb in the Box

Elf in the Pocket
“I was cheating on my husband with literally everyone in town. One day I was getting it on in a public restroom and that little elf tumbled out of my coat pocket. When I looked into his beady little eyes, I saw something in myself that I didn’t like. Since then I’ve quit cold turkey. Cheating on my husband is one thing, but I just can’t bear the judgment from that adorable little elf.”
–Martha, Terrible Person

*This piece was published on Click here to visit the site.*

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Putting Songs on Blast #10 (Holiday Edition)

SONG: (There's No Place Like) Home for the Holidays
ARTIST: Perry Como
LYRIC: "From Atlantic to Pacific. Gee, the traffic is terrific!"

I'm sure that back in the Stone Age when this song was written, seeing traffic (or even a car, for that matter) was a big deal. When I hear this song on the radio in traffic now it feels like the singer is just mocking me.

SONG: A Holly Jolly Christmas
ARTIST: Burl Ives
LYRIC: "Say hello to friends you know, and everyone you meet."

I'm pretty sure saying hello to "everyone I meet" includes my friends. Don't waste my time with superfluous lyrics, bozo!

SONG: Please, Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas)
ARTIST: John Denver
LYRIC: All of them.

With a children's choir singing, "Please daddy don't get drunk this Christmas, I don't wanna see my mamma cry," this has got to be the most depressing holiday song ever.

Thursday, December 08, 2016

I may have just saved planet Earth

Yesterday Donald Trump selected Scott Pruitt, a close ally of the fossil fuel industry and a climate change skeptic, to run the Environmental Protection Agency. Naturally, upon hearing this I immediately reached out to Leonardo DiCaprio via Twitter.

You're welcome, Earth!

Monday, December 05, 2016

Season's Greetings

The London Philharmonic Orchestra made a really beautiful holiday video card that you can send to your friends and family for free. Think of how much money you'll save by sending these out instead of buying people gifts! (If someone calls you out for being a cheap bastard, you can just tell them that they don't know the real meaning of Christmas.)

To send a card visit and click "Send E-Card."

Sunday, December 04, 2016

Just in time for the holidays

I made a new bumper sticker for people who say their "kids have paws."

Saturday, December 03, 2016

Constructing a narrative

My daughter is only two, but she's already making connections between objects in her books. For example when we turned to this page she said, "that bear is gonna eat that baby."