Sunday, February 16, 2020

Ballin' out of control

Although I am not a basketball fan, I am not not a fan of basketball. What I mean is that while I don't follow the sport, I do enjoy watching the occasional game (unless it's my son playing–then I'm just on my phone). Just kidding people settle down! This preamble is just a convoluted way to introduce a couple of awesome dunks from yesterday's 2020 NBA Slam Dunk Contest. Enjoy.





And here's one from a few years back that is just insane.

Saturday, February 15, 2020

At least we have Spades

I have been playing Spades Plus again on my iPhone and it’s just as fun/horrible as I remember. I enjoy the game, but the app is kind of a dumpster fire when it comes to interacting with other people.

In the game you can give other players virtual “drinks” as a nice gesture. The other day I (under the username Pigbutt McGee) bought a guy a "beer." Rather than thanking me (or just not replying at all), he asked for a Sprite.

Now, I understand that there are recovering alcoholics out there who may not like an image of a beer on their screen. But there are a few important things to point out here. First off, Sprite is not even an option available in the game. Secondly, he could have easily replaced the "beer" himself with an icon of a water bottle or coffee. And lastly, and I can't stress this enough, the beer is not real.

So I came back with this reply:


Then I felt a little bad for being so sarcastic in case he had a real drinking problem, so I decided to play along.


And then, things got weird.


At this point I decided to lean in to his delusion, so he doesn't track me down and try to murder me.


Fun times!

Saturday, February 08, 2020

Oscars monologue jokes by Ryan Danger Sims

I wrote some monologue jokes for the E! Live From the Red Carpet Oscars pre show this year, but the segment featuring monologue jokes got cut last minute (which is a very Hollywood thing to happen during a Hollywood event). Aaaaanyway, here are my jokes for your personal enjoytainment™!




Robert De Niro, Al Pacino and Joe Pesci were great in ​The Irishman​. It did so well, Netflix is making a sequel. It’s gonna be called ​The Italian​ starring Colin Farrell, Liam Neeson and Chris O’Dowd.



The movies this year were intense. We watched a maniacal villain go berserk, we cried over lost love, and witnessed some truly epic battle scenes. And that was just ​Toy Story 4​.



1917​ is about WWI. ​Jojo Rabbit​ is about WWII. ​Once Upon a Time in Hollywood​ is about to start a civil war between fans over who is the hottest leading man.



The Joker​ has been nominated for Best Makeup. Maybe for the beginning of the movie. In the second half the makeup department went WAY overboard in my opinion.



In addition to being nominated for 6 Oscars tonight, ​Marriage Story​ has been voted “worst movie to watch on your honeymoon.”



Avengers: Endgame​ is up for Best Visual Effects. It’s hard to pick which effects were the best given the fact that 99% of the movie is digital effects.



Adam Sandler joked that he’d make a terrible movie on purpose if he doesn’t win an Oscar. We love Adam, but future Academy voters please take note: nobody wants the creator of ​Grown Ups 2​ to actually TRY to make a bad movie.



Although ​Jojo Rabbit​ sounds like a kid’s movie, don’t plan a kindergarten viewing party or you may get accused of being “irresponsible” by another parent even though he dropped his kid off at the party and left to go vape in his car I’M TALKING TO YOU JEFF