Saturday, February 08, 2020

Oscars monologue jokes by Ryan Danger Sims

I wrote some monologue jokes for the E! Live From the Red Carpet Oscars pre show this year, but the segment featuring monologue jokes got cut last minute (which is a very Hollywood thing to happen during a Hollywood event). Aaaaanyway, here are my jokes for your personal enjoytainment™!




Robert De Niro, Al Pacino and Joe Pesci were great in ​The Irishman​. It did so well, Netflix is making a sequel. It’s gonna be called ​The Italian​ starring Colin Farrell, Liam Neeson and Chris O’Dowd.



The movies this year were intense. We watched a maniacal villain go berserk, we cried over lost love, and witnessed some truly epic battle scenes. And that was just ​Toy Story 4​.



1917​ is about WWI. ​Jojo Rabbit​ is about WWII. ​Once Upon a Time in Hollywood​ is about to start a civil war between fans over who is the hottest leading man.



The Joker​ has been nominated for Best Makeup. Maybe for the beginning of the movie. In the second half the makeup department went WAY overboard in my opinion.



In addition to being nominated for 6 Oscars tonight, ​Marriage Story​ has been voted “worst movie to watch on your honeymoon.”



Avengers: Endgame​ is up for Best Visual Effects. It’s hard to pick which effects were the best given the fact that 99% of the movie is digital effects.



Adam Sandler joked that he’d make a terrible movie on purpose if he doesn’t win an Oscar. We love Adam, but future Academy voters please take note: nobody wants the creator of ​Grown Ups 2​ to actually TRY to make a bad movie.



Although ​Jojo Rabbit​ sounds like a kid’s movie, don’t plan a kindergarten viewing party or you may get accused of being “irresponsible” by another parent even though he dropped his kid off at the party and left to go vape in his car I’M TALKING TO YOU JEFF

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