Jokes by Ryan Danger Sims – 2017

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March 2017

Oh I'm a gang banger all right. I bang ALL the gangs.

I wanna be rich enough to buy a whole bag of grapes without removing some to lighten the bag.

Just found out that Ryan Gosling did all his own piano playing in La La Land and I think I turned gay for like a minute?


February 2017

My grandparents have been married for 50 years! (Not to each other, but still!)

My grandpa built his own house with his bare hands. I use my toolbox to change toy batteries.

Girl, I'm like a wealthy Englishman. 'Cause I could afford to lose a few pounds.

I'd pull myself up by my bootstraps if I knew what the hell bootstraps were.

I guess on the bright side now every kid will actually believe they can be president one day?

Imagine being rich enough to have every type of Ziploc bag in your cabinets.


January 2017

Ringling Bros/Barnum & Bailey Circus is closing after 146 years. They can't compete with a full-time clown in the White House.

If you really want to confuse your kid, buy a clownfish and name it Dory.

The new Amazon Prime slogan should be:
"Two-Day Shipping! Unless it takes longer . . . which happens like half of the time."

Did you know that 70% of people are addicted to their phones and the other 30% will NOT shut up about it?

Parents of the Past: "Don't put me in a home!"
Parents Now: "You're going to pay for my rent and food? Hell yes!"

I don't like to brag, but I'm pretty good at it.

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