Jokes by Ryan Danger Sims – 2017

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October 2017

Nothing tastes as good as nachos feel.

A minute ago I knocked down a wasp’s nest and ran inside my house. I just realized I locked the door behind me...

September 2017

Dog poo is like an Easter egg you can find every day–except it's not that hard to find, and it's shit.

My 3yr old is singing "I have a butt," and I have to say, it's very relatable.

If the alt-right's right, I want to be wrong... I mean...if the alt-right's wrong I want to be right... I'M SAYING I HATE NAZIS.

Twitter's increase to 280 characters will allow the kind of deep political discourse that will finally solve our nation's problems.

I think I'm allergic to my allergy medicine.

veg·an /ˈvēɡən/
1. a person who will not shut up about being vegan.

I don't think I know anyone who hasn't been to a Steve Miller concert.

I'm confident...right?

Kindergarten is the best grade. The entire contents of my son's backpack is lunch.

Be the "person who doesn't leave a disgusting mess in public bathrooms" that you wish to see in the world.

August 2017

I refuse to use any urinal that isn't marked "all gender."

Call me Ted, 'cause this music got me Danson! (sorry)

July 2017

If sweating was a sport, I'd be an Olympic athlete.

A homeless guy just complemented me on my beard and now I'm thinking I should shave?

I'm too broke to buy new clothes, so I have to make new friends every 6 months.

Damn girl, I hope you aren't relying on Trumpcare to treat your pre-existing conditions, 'cause your body is sick!

Free Reader's Digest Joke: A doctor saying to his nurse "stop testing my patients!"

June 2017

Instead of using the elevator, I take the stairs. Only on the way down, but still...

Can we just agree to make all new technology use one type of cord?

Hey "The Clash," given that if you go there will be trouble, and if you stay it will be double, then going=100% less trouble. U should go. #Solved

My 3yr old eats twice what I eat, and my 5yr old eats three times what I eat. So my point is, buy stock in Costco.

I dropped a pair of tweezers in the toilet and getting them out was like playing the worst game of Operation ever.

My mom is like WebMD if you took out the "medical facts" and kept the "fearing the worst."

You're not an adult until you've swallowed a pill with hot coffee.

I suffer in silence, but without the silent part.

A riddle, wrapped in a mystery, rolled in a tortilla = a conundrum quesadilla.

Teach your children to say "please" and "thank you" and you'll ensure that they'll never work at the DMV.

You know how Disneyland has really big lines? Well it's like that, but with no fun rides at the end. (Me explaining the DMV to my kids.)

BREAKING: My faith in humanity.

You can tell how old someone is by how long it takes them to reply to a text.

May 2017

You wanna talk about romance? My grandparents only dated for 2 months before they got married! They quickly divorced, but still...

The phrase "no trans fats" is great on a food label, but terribly offensive on a dating profile.

Saw a homeless guy holding a sign saying he's a vet. Really dude? With all the pets in the world you can't get a job?

My dog is on his last legs. ☹️ I just can't afford any more prosthetics.

I leave a gun by my front door, so if an intruder picks it up, statistically HE'LL be the one who gets shot.

"I never tried cocaine--I couldn't bear the thought of snorting something up my nose. Flonase™ changed all that."

Do you like Star Wars, but hate lightsabers and cool force powers? Rogue One is the movie for you!

I feel like we're a few months from Betsy DeVos incorporating brands into school curriculum.
🎶  A-B-C-D-P-F-Chang's, I-H-O-P, T-G-I-Friday's 🎶

April 2017

POLL: If you're a fan of U2, how would you rate them overall?
 [  ] First
 [  ] Second
 [  ] Third
 [  ] Catorce

Proud to say that we're transitioning away from using wasteful disposable diapers.
(started potty training)

So some dude named "Wetzel" just happened to be really good at making pretzels?

The odds that every new Star Wars movie will feature a droid calculating the odds is 100%.

A remake of White Fang for the millennial generation called Blue Tooth.

Am I a risk taker? I just ate a breakfast burrito from Del Taco, so you tell me.

Remember the good old days when shampoo gave people orgasms?

March 2017

I've seen too many Boss Baby ads and now every time I see an infant I'm like GET A JOB

I'm starting to think that the "this will go on your permanent record" threat from my school teachers might have been bullshit.

Hey Toyota: If every sales event is the #1 sales event, then no sales event is the #1 sales event.

Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself. (I'm a pathological liar.)

Oh I'm a gang banger all right. I bang ALL the gangs.

I wanna be rich enough to buy a whole bag of grapes without removing some to lighten the bag.

Just found out that Ryan Gosling did all his own piano playing in La La Land and I think I turned gay for like a minute?

February 2017

My grandparents have been married for 50 years! (Not to each other, but still!)

My grandpa built his own house with his bare hands. I use my toolbox to change toy batteries.

Girl, I'm like a wealthy Englishman. 'Cause I could afford to lose a few pounds.

I'd pull myself up by my bootstraps if I knew what the hell bootstraps were.

I guess on the bright side now every kid will actually believe they can be president one day?

Imagine being rich enough to have every type of Ziploc bag in your cabinets.

January 2017

Ringling Bros/Barnum & Bailey Circus is closing after 146 years. They can't compete with a full-time clown in the White House.

If you really want to confuse your kid, buy a clownfish and name it Dory.

The new Amazon Prime slogan should be:
"Two-Day Shipping! Unless it takes longer . . . which happens like half of the time."

Did you know that 70% of people are addicted to their phones and the other 30% will NOT shut up about it?

Parents of the Past: "Don't put me in a home!"
Parents Now: "You're going to pay for my rent and food? Hell yes!"

I don't like to brag, but I'm pretty good at it.

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