Jokes by Ryan Danger Sims – 2017

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May 2017

"I never tried cocaine--I couldn't bear the thought of snorting something up my nose. Flonase™ changed all that."

Do you like Star Wars, but hate lightsabers and cool force powers? Rogue One is the movie for you!

I feel like we're a few months from Betsy DeVos incorporating brands into school curriculum.
🎶  A-B-C-D-P-F-Chang's, I-H-O-P, T-G-I-Friday's 🎶

April 2017

POLL: If you're a fan of U2, how would you rate them overall?
 [  ] First
 [  ] Second
 [  ] Third
 [  ] Catorce

Proud to say that we're transitioning away from using wasteful disposable diapers.
(started potty training)

So some dude named "Wetzel" just happened to be really good at making pretzels?

The odds that every new Star Wars movie will feature a droid calculating the odds is 100%.

A remake of White Fang for the millennial generation called Blue Tooth.

Am I a risk taker? I just ate a breakfast burrito from Del Taco, so you tell me.

Remember the good old days when shampoo gave people orgasms?

March 2017

I've seen too many Boss Baby ads and now every time I see an infant I'm like GET A JOB

I'm starting to think that the "this will go on your permanent record" threat from my school teachers might have been bullshit.

Hey Toyota: If every sales event is the #1 sales event, then no sales event is the #1 sales event.

Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself. (I'm a pathological liar.)

Oh I'm a gang banger all right. I bang ALL the gangs.

I wanna be rich enough to buy a whole bag of grapes without removing some to lighten the bag.

Just found out that Ryan Gosling did all his own piano playing in La La Land and I think I turned gay for like a minute?

February 2017

My grandparents have been married for 50 years! (Not to each other, but still!)

My grandpa built his own house with his bare hands. I use my toolbox to change toy batteries.

Girl, I'm like a wealthy Englishman. 'Cause I could afford to lose a few pounds.

I'd pull myself up by my bootstraps if I knew what the hell bootstraps were.

I guess on the bright side now every kid will actually believe they can be president one day?

Imagine being rich enough to have every type of Ziploc bag in your cabinets.

January 2017

Ringling Bros/Barnum & Bailey Circus is closing after 146 years. They can't compete with a full-time clown in the White House.

If you really want to confuse your kid, buy a clownfish and name it Dory.

The new Amazon Prime slogan should be:
"Two-Day Shipping! Unless it takes longer . . . which happens like half of the time."

Did you know that 70% of people are addicted to their phones and the other 30% will NOT shut up about it?

Parents of the Past: "Don't put me in a home!"
Parents Now: "You're going to pay for my rent and food? Hell yes!"

I don't like to brag, but I'm pretty good at it.

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