One Liners by Ryan Danger Sims

(Some of which have more than one line.)

2019 • 2018 • 2017 • 2016 • 2015 • 2014 • Instagram


April 2018

The ultimate April Fools prank would be doing a prank on a different day and then be like "It's April Fools" and then everyone would be totally confused and tricked.

If you lived here you’d have a big sign in front of your house saying you’d be home now.

Did you know that if you leave a tooth in a jar of gasoline it will dissolve, probably? My point is, don’t drink gasoline.

Twitter: for when you need to know when a person dies, within seconds of them hitting the floor.

I’m not a douchebag, which should count as a diversity hire in Hollywood.

It’s cute when people on bicycles think they’re cars and get in front of you going 5 mph.

6yr old: "Are you furious?"
3yr old: "No, I'm too mad!"


March 2018

Fun fact: The time it takes to preheat an oven and cook a frozen pizza is approximately the same amount of time it takes a 6yr old to brush his teeth and get to bed. #SuperLagger

As a kid I had to give 10% of my money to the church. Is there, like, any way to get that money back?

Me: Knock knock.
Twitter: Don’t you mean “bang bang?” As in the sound of assault rifles tearing our nation apart?
Me: Okay, I’ll try another one. Why did the chicken...
Twitter: Wait, is this chicken cage-free?


Weather forecast apps translated:
Chance of rain 90% = it’s definitely going to rain
Chance of rain 10% = it’s probably going to rain
Chance of rain 0% = it might rain

With all this technology, how is it possible that my map doesn’t mention that the restaurant it’s sending me to is in a mall food court?

Instead of trying to kill two birds with one stone maybe we should just not try to kill birds at all?

“It’s pilot season!”
–Terrorists

Can you get PTSD from listening to too many true crime podcasts?

*buying lotto tickets*
"Quiet down kids, I'm trying to invest in your future!"


February 2018


Want to see something really scary?
Look underneath your child’s car seat.

“Why are they called babysitters? They don’t sit on babies!”
–My 6yr old

I spend more time editing my iPhone dictation than if I just typed the texts out by hand.

If the plan goes awry, was it really the best laid plan?

I'm a real chick magnet. I can’t go near farms for fear of being pelted with a barrage of baby chickens.

Is the opposite of “screwing the pooch,” putting the pooch in the friend zone?

The reason “the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry” is that mice are not trustworthy partners.

There are currently 1,253 different flavors of Doritos.

Yosemite Sam
“Say yer prayers, varmint!”
Salmonella Sam
“I’ll take the chicken, medium rare!”

I love that the first thing companies do when you unsubscribe from their email list is send you a confirmation email.

A slumber party is a sleepover, not a stay-up-all-night-and-scream-over!
–My wife being a pro parent

If I was in charge of a church sign I would def write something about today being a “critical mass.” #AshWednesday

Just learned that I’m the exact same height and weight as The Rock which would totally make sense if you took my stomach and transferred it to my arms.

Say “Equifax hack” three times fast. It’s a great distraction from the fact that your data has almost certainly been compromised!

The entire United States Military is in this Chick-fil-A.

When hiking in nature, take only photos and leave only footprints. And also maybe some pee.

3yr old Daughter: “I love you.”
Me: “Aw, I love you too.”
Daughter: “I was talking to my sandwich.”

Rock out with your cock IN please. It’s basic manners.

Just brewed a Keurig pod into a nonexistent cup. AMA

SEX!!! Now that I have your attention, do you want to have sex?

January 2018

Costco sampling all their Super Bowl food right now and I don’t think I’m ever going to leave.

“Let’s play catch with your iPad!”
—My 3yr old daughter

An anti-improv group named No Or.

I could've brewed 1,242 K-Cups in the time it took me to get through this Starbucks line.

Is everyone faking it with shots? I can’t be the only one fighting to not make a sour face.

Wanna feel old? This joke format has been around for half a decade.

In these divisive times, I think we can all agree on one thing: the Patriots do not need to win another Super Bowl.

Toy in the ‘90s: “Requires 2 AA batteries.”
Toy today: “Requires 15 deadly watch batteries that look like shiny candy.”

Once I put my laundry in my washing machine, I immediately forget that it exists.

Did Apple rename iPhoto “Photos” just to mess with people searching for help on Google?

Feminist t-shirt idea: “Hoes before bros!”

Wanna feel old? Wear adult diapers.

QUIZ: How long do you floss after visiting the dentist?
 [  ] 2-3 days
 [  ] A week or more
 [  ] Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck that

At the end of the day, I'm a person who watches The Bachelor.

The thing you need to understand is, everyone stops listening when you start a sentence like this.

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