One Liners by Ryan Danger Sims

(Some of which have more than one line.)

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December 2014

I'm so busy my New Year's resolution is to come up with a New Year's resolution for next New Year's Eve.

What I say: “Please excuse me.”

What I mean: “GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY.”

Does anyone else feel like maybe Best Buy did it? #Serial


I just came to the realization that I might be a “morning person.” Ugh.


Just wanted to wish everyone a happy Boxing Day. I know it isn't until tomorrow, but I'm so excited!


I’m done singing from the heart. From now on I’m singing exclusively from my spleen.


Every time a vegetarian is seen wearing leather they should be forced to eat a piece of bacon.


I love the Latin version of “Oh Come All Ye Faithful.” Especially the part that says we should all “adore a moose." #ObscureHolidayJoke‬‬‬‬‬‬‬


The world is your oyster!

So you’re telling me I should suck it?

When someone is mean to you, try to think of the deeper reason that they act the way they do. Like, maybe they’re an asshole.


With two young kids, I never get any sleep. But a guy can dream, right? #ThatDoesntMakeAnySense


I love eggnog, but the name's pretty gross. Were they going for the most unappealing name possible? I guess “eggjuice” must have been taken.


Eggnog must have hired the same marketing firm as liverwurst.

Do you love holiday music, but hate all of the wonderful time-tested classics? Starbucks has you covered.‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬


Book sequel idea: The Sisterhood of the Traveling Mom Jeans


My toddler just tried to clean up oatmeal on the rug with a rolling pin. It wasn't as effective as you'd think.


I’m flossin’ yo! Not literally–I mean who has time to floss? #HardcoreRap #DentalHygiene


And what of the hipster who cannot grow a beard? #Tragedy


I have a theory that 99% of pubic hair on public urinals comes from 1% of the male population. Who are these nasty little furballs?


November 2014

I just can't stop eating. Mostly because I'm a human person and if I don't eat I will die.

Been watching a lot of Curious George with my son. The Man with the Yellow Hat is just DYING for a makeover. ‪#WhatNotToWear‬‬‬


Anything is free if you steal it. ‪#TheMoreYouKnow‬‬‬‬


I’m (re)organizing the jokes I wrote about my OCD. ‪#Ironic‬‬‬‬ ‪#LikeRainOnYourWeddingDay‬‬‬‬ ‪#AFreeRideWhenYouveAlreadyPaid‬‬‬‬


My OCD compels me to add that none of these things are actually ironic. ‪#TheGoodAdviceThatYouJustDidntTake‬‬‬ ‪#WhoWouldveThoughtItFigures‬‬‬‬‬

I’m so progressive that I don’t even say “manners.” If someone is polite, I congratulate them on their good womeners. ‪#Feminism‬‬‬‬


Boom! Clap! The sound of my heart. ‪#YouShouldSeeADoctor‬‬‬‬‬‬‬


Are we still saying “homophone?” Shouldn’t it be changed to “queerphone" or “lgbtphone?” It’s 2014 for God’s sake!


Saw a company truck with the slogan, “We treat your home as if it were our own.” My first thought was, “you have sex in my bed?!”


Let’s just call a spade a shovel.


I am dedicatted to the persute of perfecttion.


I’m a comedian for hire. Look for me at the back of your local Home Depot!


My new cologne? Oh, it’s called “Nacho Cheese" by Taco Bell. ‪#Class‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬ ‪#Sophistication‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬ ‪#Nachos‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬


When I’m mad at someone, I call them a "son of a son of a bitch." It really takes it to the next level when you call out their grandma.


Coffee is like the oxygen mask on an airplane–you should serve yourself first, and then tend to your children.


Today I overheard a teacher telling her students, “A peacock can’t fly because it’s weighed down by too many feathers.” #DroppingKnowledge


lukewarm (/ˈlo͞okwôrm/) - adj: temperature of a liquor store fridge


Some people wait until Thanksgiving to feed the homeless. Not me. #GivingCandyToHobos


October 2014

I know I should go on a diet, but the gut wants what the gut wants.

My three-year-old just poked me in the stomach and asked, "is that getting bigger?” #DamnYouTacoBell


I was just told that I was “sufficiently funny.” #HighPraise


My three-year-old helped me pick out eggs at the store. He shook one next to his ear and said, “there’s no chickie in this one–it’s good.”


"Mr. Smartypants" is a dumb saying. I guess that makes sense, as the person who coined the phrase was presumably an angry moron.


I love my wife. She’s stuck with me through thin and thin.


#IJustCameUpWithMyOwnOriginalHashtagThatNobodyWillEverBeAbleToUseForThemselvesBecauseItIsSoUniqueAndCoolAndAlsoBecauseItUsesAll140Characters


You have to freak out about Ebola for at least 10 minutes per day or you’ll be at risk of contracting it.


You might recognize me from TV. Though that would be strange, as I’ve yet to appear on television.


I found Nemo, and that fish was DELICIOUS. #FishForLunch


Beauty Tip: Eat Cap'n Crunch cereal to exfoliate the roof of your mouth.


I got skills, it’s just that they don’t pay the bills.


Got pizza from Dominos. There were two orders for Ryan and the cashier didn’t know which one was mine. I told him I was the “handsome one.”


I don't think I have enough street cred to participate in Black Friday.


Instead of saying that something is “f*cking intense," I like to say it's "like camping on your honeymoon!”


Based on the high rating I gave to a Curious George cartoon, Google suggested I might enjoy Homeland. What?!


Tried Blue Apron tonight. So great! It's as time consuming and as difficult to make as a regular meal, but it costs way more!


Nobody cares about your “nobody cares about your stick figure family” bumper sticker.


Life is like a box of chocolates. You’re not going to like half of it, but it’s too late by the time you figure it out.


My mom told me that a lobotomy was when they take out someone’s brain and replace it with a banana. I believed it for YEARS.


I just want to print something without getting a notice that says I am running low on ink.


If I were a graffiti artist I would tag: "you're it.”


Just heard a foghorn. They really should change the sound to a looped recording that says, “Get a GPS!”


When I push a button on the phone to "proceed in English," I secretly hope the response will be, "Well 'ello gov'na! Fancy a spot of tea?”


My three-year-old son describing the difference between insects and people: “buggy-bugs don’t use Chapstick.”


Out of coffee this morning so I made myself a cup of tea. I felt like a heroine addict smoking a cigarette to try and get high.


September 2014

Got stuck in an infinite cereal loop. Low on milk, refilled. Low on cereal, refilled. Then was low on milk, so I refilled. And on and on.

Did you know that no one ever took a photo of themselves before the year 2013? #Selfie


I'm a high stakes gambler. I get my hair cut at Great Clips.


Does anyone else find the term “blackmail” to be a little ridiculous? Can you imagine someone being arrested and charged with “whitefemale?”


Being a leader is overrated. Follow me! @ryandangersims


Tried Skittles Riddles candy. It was like a party in my mouth. A disgusting, fruit punch and laundry detergent flavored party.


I’m so old school. #poundsign


I’m just as fancy as Iggy Azalea, it’s just that people don’t already know.


When I order iced tea at a restaurant and the server asks if I'd like some sugar, I like to act scandalized and exclaim, "I'm married!”

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