One Liners by Ryan Danger Sims

(Some of which have more than one line.)

2020 • 2019 • 2018 • 2017 • 2016 • 2015 • 2014 • Instagram

December 2015

If the steert sgins look lkie tihs, plul oevr yur'oe too dunrk to drvie. #NewYearsEve

I told my wife don't worry because next year I'll be rico. By that I mean I will have legally changed my name to Rico.

It's New Years Eve. Time to put the batteries in Carson Daly.

I'm going on a diet for the rest of the year.

Before posting a gif, ask yourself: Is this some stupid-ass annoying shit?

People are divided on how to pronounce the word divisive.

QUIZ: Are you reading this on the toilet?
 [  ] No
 [  ] I'm disgusting

Okay people! If I get 10,000 followers by the new year . . . I'll contact Twitter to report the error.

*Visiting the Grand Canyon*
“Oh, this is beautiful. This is like my 3rd choice for a screensaver.”

Packing peanuts are tasteless.

Christmas morning is when I get the most pictures taken of me and also the time when I look the most like a hobo.

So you messed up making my coffee, and after driving back and waiting in line you're going to make me a new coffee for FREE?!

All I want for Christmas is for iTunes to stop changing its interface.

My wife has emptied the lint trap in the dryer maaaybe one time in her life.

People who have sex in parks are great at using protection and terrible at using trash cans.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas, make the Yuletide gay (now in all 50 states)!

Ride or die or have a happy holiday.

I saw mommy kissing Krampus.

Couldn’t they come up with something that sounds a little more appealing than women's suffrage?

QUIZ: Would you rather?
 [  ] Wash the dishes
 [  ] Take your own life

Just found out that meat labeled "pork butt" is actually pig shoulder. Now I'm questioning all my meat-related knowledge.

Am I a rebel? Let's just say I've been known to leave my house with the Christmas tree still plugged in.

The only thing worse than being a homeless person would be to be a homeless person with OCD. How does that even work?!

If anyone ruins Star Wars for me I'm going to report them to Twitter for being "abusive or harmful."

Too much of comedy today involves critiquing comedy today.

Skyping with your parents would be a lot nicer if you didn't have to rely on your parents understanding Skype.

I was just standing 5 feet from Kanye and didn't think to bottle the air. I could have bought a new car with that money!

I don't want a lot for Christmas; All I want for Christmas is you. Clearly that's not much.

QUIZ: Have you taken an improv class?
 [  ] Yes
 [  ] And

Ride or die or Netflix and chill.

Hey hot people who say you were ugly in high school: NOBODY BELIEVES YOU.

When you have kids, get ready to start saying stupid shit like “goodness gracious” to keep them from talking like you.

QUIZ: Let's settle this once and for all you guys.
 [  ] Ride
 [  ] Die

Radio Ad: Have you thought about refinancing your property?
Me: I live in an apartment. Go to hell.

A guy in the stall next to me was on his phone doing his business while doing his business.

So I can go through a car wash a hundred times, but can't wash my car in my own driveway? #CADrought

What's up Chicago IL, Milwaukee WI and Pittsburgh PA! (I'm not going on tour, just really excited about cities.)

Just heard Kourtney and Kim took Miami. Why couldn't Miami have taken them instead?

I'm not on Facebook so I think I should get extra credit for remembering people's birthdays.

Prediction: Donald Trump's next wife will be named Billionia. #Inflation

"A Screech for Help" - Title for a Dustin Diamond biopic.

 I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams.  = I'm definitely not coming home for Christmas.

QUIZ: Going to my wife's holiday work party. Should I

 [  ] Get trashed
 [  ] Take off my pants
 [  ] Make a speech

QUIZ: I like to ate, ate, ate
 [  ] aypuls
 [  ] banaynays

Are there any war movies or war-themed video games that don't feature the song "Paint It Black?"

November 2015

Am I the only one with the balls to admit I don't get Snapchat?

Every time a murder happens, a Dateline host gets their wings.

ME: What McFlurry flavors do you have?
CASHIER: M&M's and Oreo.
ME: I'll take Oreo.
CASHIER: Oh we can't make them, our machine's broken.

It's a scientific impossibility for my mom to talk to me for less than 20 minutes on the phone.

It's rained one day in LA and people are on their phones looking up the number for FEMA.

You shouldn't speak ill of the dead. Unless the person was a rapper. ("Yo, that dude was ill!")

QUIZ: When people say their dog is their baby, the best response is
 [  ] Totally!
 [  ] It has your eyes!
 [  ] Who’s the father?

I like to think I can tell a difference in Starbucks roasts, but in a blind test I'm sure I'd be like, "these are all very coffee tasting."

Haven't heard anything in a while; is Amanda Bynes okay?

I don't own a TV. Technically my wife bought it.

Push pins are so tacky.

QUIZ: My favorite reggae musician is
 [  ] Bob Marley
 [  ] Bob Marley

I've heard goddamnit, gosh dang it, and god dang it, but never a gosh damnit.

Flowers on a first date are nice. Unless it's one of those tripod funeral arrangements–then it’s just weird.

My mother-in-law could teach a college course in how to most effectively use Kohl's coupons.

QUIZ: Do you dip your fries in
 [  ] Ranch
 [  ] I’m an animal

QUIZ: Women: Do you want me to tell you if I notice your tag's sticking out of your shirt?
 [  ] Yes-it’s embarrassing
 [  ] No-it’s embarrassing

My son's working on a pack a day gum habit.

I peeled these hard-boiled eggs flawlessly! Now time to smash them up and make egg salad.

Why does voicemail tell you to "press 5 to disconnect?" Do they not know you can just hang up the phone?

I don't think atheists should be allowed to tell people to "go to hell."

Has anyone ever taken a timeout in the NFL without their head coach shaking his head in frustration?

It's actually pronounced "hey-seus take the wheel." #JesusTakeTheWheel

Remember when finding out that your salsa came from New York City was a really big deal?

The only thing vaping has done is make actual cigarettes seem a lot cooler.

Wouldn't chafrown make more sense? #Chagrin

Just once I'd like someone to admit that they're one to toot their own horn.

For his next art piece, Shia LaBeouf will broadcast himself watching the footage of himself watching all of his movies. #allmymovies

Just heard a Target ad that said, "Plymouth Rock your Thanksgiving." Someone got paid to write that.

Donald Trump: "I've created more yobs than anyone in this country." #GOPDebate

"Oh, man I'm getting sick. I can just feel it in the back of my throat." -Guy who just finished bagging my groceries.

Hey Gurl. You better call in to work, 'cause you're lookin' SICK.

Hitler didn't join the German Workers' Party until he was 20. Instead of killing a baby, maybe just take him out at age 19? #BabyHitler

Billion Dollar Idea: Invent a paper towel holder that actually works.

What is Jeopardy?

The term "OCD" is so out of date. They should at *least* update it to Omp3. You know, like upgrading a CD to mp3? Never mind.

Invention: Dawg Whistle. (A whistle that only your close male friends can hear.)

You can now order Dominos by texting a pizza emoji. Pretty soon we're gonna have to opt-out of them randomly delivering pizzas to our door.

Gun to my head, I guess I'd shit my pants.

Our weather was fine until Al Gore started talking about climate change. COINCIDENCE?

Heard "Adventure of a Lifetime" on the radio. Did Coldplay just turn into Jamiroquai?

I'd like to start a public awareness campaign explaining how owning a dog and having a baby is not the same thing.

Is there such thing as a 1/16 marathon? I think I'd be good at that.

#YouWereSoHotUntil you filled my Twitter timeline with dozens of hashtag war entries.

When someone brags about being a "homeowner," I want to ask: "What happens if you don't pay your monthly bill?" #HomeBorrower

Hotline Bling 100 years ago: ♫ You used to beep at me in Morse code . . . ♫

If deleting tweets right before they're commented on was a sport, I'd be LeBron James.

QUIZ: Which do you prefer?
 [  ] Dogs
 [  ] Dawgs

This LAN is my LAN. #NerdyCountryMusic

QUIZ: Which Twitter fav icon do you prefer?
 [  ] Star
 [  ] Who gives a shit?

Twitter says their new heart icon is a way to say "yes, congrats, wow" etc. But what if I want to say something's a flaming ball of gas?

So far Twitter has used stars and hearts for favs. Next up: yellow moons, green clovers, blue diamonds and purple horseshoes.

I can't believe Drake called it "Hotline Bling" and not "Butt Dial."

A teeter-totter is a great way to discover that you weigh more than all the other members of your family combined.

Hey Ralphs Grocery, what's your policy on returning random assortments of miniature candy?

October 2015

Some of these lyrics in the Addams Family theme song are a real stretch. Rhyming museum with scree-um? #AmateurHour

I mark every add Twitter puts in my timeline "not relevant" in the hope that they'll eventually give up.

I'm not so much anti-gun as I am anti-pro-gun people.

SPOOKY HALLOWEEN POLL: Would you rather have
Slimy octopus arms
Trump as president

QUIZ: Which do you prefer?
 [  ] The answer on bottom
 [  ] The answer on top

I'm a master of my Kraft (mac & cheese).

Halfway through a Dateline and I'm pretty sure this creepy-ass host is the murderer.

How come you never hear anyone trying to appeal to Herspanic voters? #Sexist

Got the small Baconator for lunch today. #SonOfBaconator #HealthyLiving

Hey fellow sports fan. There's this thing called DVR that busy people watch games on. Please don't tell me who won.

I can't decide what I like less: prunes or dried plums.

Hannah Davis and Derek Jeter are made for each other. Like Party Rock and Axe body spray.

One way I know I have OCD is that the first thing I do when I get in the shower is wash my hands.

Meta Halloween Costume: Dress as a phone and carry around a Barbie or Ken doll. Stare at the doll all night and ignore everyone around you.

Viral video idea: Pizza rat, but with kale. #HipsterRat

The World Health Organization just released a report saying that bacon can give you cancer. Now I have to quit smoking bacon too?!

I feels like whoever invented strollers was kind of a dick. Why is my baby in FRONT of me when I enter busy intersections?

I'm still mad at U2 for getting that damn song stuck in my head whenever someone says it's a beautiful day.

Is Bill O'Riley gonna start assassinating presidents so he can write more books? #KillingLincoln #KillingKennedy #KillingReagan

Not sure if I'm understanding the lyrics to "Hotline Bling" correctly, but is Drake saying he has a Batphone for sex?!

At the rate Adele is going her next album is just going to be the sound of a self-inflicted gunshot wound.

Netflix and take out the "x" and add a "cks" because "flix" isn't a word.

Just swept away some spider webs so I could put up fake ones. #Halloween

Is it really that much trouble to add the amole? #Guac

Netflix and Hulu and HBO Now and Amazon Prime Instant Video and dying alone.

"Convenience fee" is an oxymoron.

Is the theme of Jeopardy's set design "'80s Nightmare?"

No one has pressured me to take drugs more than Kaiser with their damned flu shot.

Getting older is literally killing me.

Sometimes Twitter has so many bad jokes it's not even funny.

I've never played the "Kim Kardashian: Hollywood" app. Is the first level making a sex tape?

Has anybody tried using another word beside "ohm" when meditating? Did they try every variation? What if "ohh" works better?!

Bro! How crazy is it that every girl I date from Tinder turns out to be dyslexic?

I watch people walk by my window and when they look back I get upset at them for watching me.

Networking hard or hardly networking? Am I right?

Just used my wife's deodorant and now I'm worried that my pH balance is off.

I'd give $10,000 to see someone give me a million dollars.

Twitter is the bumper sticker of social media.

If you're curious what economic class I'm in, consider this: I've never been inside a Whole Foods.

It really bothers me when people talk about author John Updike. It's 2015, people! The correct term is John Uplesbian.

What's a hot mess and how is it different from a cold one?

The only reason I would ever use Peeple is to give its creators the lowest rating possible.

September 2015

The word "illegible" should be a lot longer and harder to read.

My 1YO wrote a joke. I don't get it but she thought it was really funny:
c      v vfvvvsj       oi
     vc55v5vc5v5v5 fvf b b       c fv xz

Attention strange middle-aged ladies in the supermarket: Please do not come up and touch my baby on the face. That is all.

I'm currently in talks. With myself in a bathroom mirror.

Instead of "5 finger discount," I like to think of it as "100% off."

My 3YO playing doctor:
"You got a lot of blood in your body & we need to get all of that out. Also, I'm gonna cut off one of your fingers."

Despite his efforts, Boehner just couldn't keep it up.

T-shirt idea: Get your priorities LGBT

There's a new study that says psychopaths don't "catch" yawns. Have fun trying this out on your friends!

Happy National Punctuation Day?

I'm more on the edge of my seat waiting to see if my baby will nap than I've ever been watching an action movie.

At this point I'm impressed if you don't have a podcast.

My toddler was literally crying over spilled milk this morning and I feel like it was totally justified.

If I was a sleepwalker, I'd sleep next to a treadmill. Imagine how many calories I'd burn overnight!

A key strategy is to hide one under your doormat.

Is the sloth the only animal classified by number of toes?

You can tell I'm not a Millennial because every time I try to add someone's number to my phone I end up calling them five times.

How is it not called "Pin the Tail on the Ass's Ass?" #MissedOpportunity

Can you make sure to put my side of ranch in the bag next to my fries? I like my ranch as hot as possible, thanks.

Does anyone else think it's weird that Twitter is basically a bunch of adults giving each other gold stars for a job well done?

Live like every day is Taco Tuesday.

Rolls-Royce has put out car models named Wraith, Phantom, and Ghost. Can't wait for the 2016 Nazgûl.

If you see a friend in the supermarket, leave IMMEDIATELY after catching up. Otherwise you'll see them 5 more times with nothing to say.

U2 album title idea: Bonochromatic

Fact: Taco shells go stale 3 seconds after you open the box.

I can't remember a time when my phone wasn't updating.

T-shirt idea: I'm down with LGBT (Yeah you know me!)

I follow comedians on Twitter exclusively for their opinions on politics and religion.

When I was a kid the only thing better than pizza was square pizza.

Nice try hipster. Nobody looks cool while picking up dog shit.

Sometimes being a parent means getting kicked in the balls and then having to comfort the person who did it.

I turned off the VMAs early. Did Jared Leto finally get to have sex with that dude from The Weeknd? #AreYouReadyToGetSexy

Using a fly swatter is 10% killing flies, 90% smearing fly guts around your house.

I just cracked my first phone screen. Do I get a membership card or something?

Crazy in the head? As opposed to what?
"Stay away from that dude--he's crazy in the esophagus."

For a long time I thought imitation crab was created in a lab.For a long time I thought imitation crab was created in a lab.

August 2015

Life is what happens when you're on hold with Time Warner Cable.

I think my milk's spoiled. I blame myself for always keeping it on the top shelf.

Donate to suicide prevention? I prevent suicide every day by not blowing my brains against the wall!

Billion dollar idea: Gluten-free gluten.

My homicide jokes are killer!

The difference between a psychopath and sociopath is a little crazy.

It's National Hug Your Sweetheart Day, but I hugged my sweetheart twice last year so I'm good.

A leak of who's muting who on Twitter would ruin more relationships than the Ashley Madison hack.

Sign up for our club membership and get free spam emails for life!

They're giving out free patio furniture at CVS! It's just sitting outside of the store waiting to be picked up.

Life Hack: Instead of hiring a "pool guy," just throw in a couple Brita filters.

Never wake a sleeping baby? What if it's asleep in the road? ARE YOU SAYING I SHOULD LEAVE A SLEEPING BABY IN THE ROAD?

BREAKING: In a continuing effort to crack down on illegal aliens, Trump vows to arrest anyone with a "Not Of This World" bumper sticker.

If I ran a male escort service I'd definitely call it "Rent A Dick."

A fun thing to do is answer someone by saying "well you know what they say. . . ." And then never finish the sentence.

Excuse me. I'm not cutting in line, I just have to ask the cashier a question . . .
"Hi, can I have a coffee and a bagel?"

I just won a fruit parfait from McDonald's. Never has winning felt so much like losing.

I like "fast casual" restaurants because I like my food to be prepared in a mellow environment AS QUICKLY AS F*CKING POSSIBLE.

I'm gonna invent a hand sanitizer that kills just 0.01% of germs--the ones the "99.99%" sanitizers don't kill.

To check if you have OCD, help a toddler use a public restroom. If you don't pass out from their blatant disregard for germs, you're clear.

Being a professional wrestler is a great way to be gay without having to worry about being bullied.

You may say I'm a dreamer . . . wait, what were we talking about?

Has anyone started a GoFundMe yet to help Drake with his "two mortgages, $30 million in total?" #Energy #RapPeopleProblems

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." -Gandhi
I'll be a roll of quarters in a pair of tight jeans. For the ladies.

Meek Mill is lucky. Drake hasn't responded to ANY of the diss tracks I made. #WheresTheBeef

I wrote myself a hundred-dollar check and put it on the fridge. One day I'm going to be successful enough to cash it.

Whenever a woman tells my son he's cute I pretend like they're talking to me and say: "Thanks, but I'm married!"
This never gets old.

You know you're getting old when you're mad at Spiderman for making kids think spider bites are cool.

Congratulating someone who looks pregnant is high-risk, low-reward situation.

Sneeze = "God bless you!"
Coughing Fit = "Get away from me!"

I'm worried my dreams aren't achieving their full potential.

One thing TV flashbacks have taught me is that I need to teach my kids to ride a bike. Otherwise they'll have nothing to reminisce about.

Rap is the only genre where artists tell the listener exactly how big their dicks are. Can you imagine if Celine Dion did that?

At the end of the day, if you're not on the chopping block, following your heart is worth playing for. --Every reality show contestant ever.

I gave my camera to an 80 year old and asked her to take my photo. She didn't know how because she's used to her iPhone. #TrueStory

July 2015

I'm afraid of inadvertently starting a Starbucks-style "race matters" discussion when I pick "white American" cheese for my Subway sandwich.

I try to have faith in humanity, but it's hard when you're parallel parking and somebody pulls up right behind you and starts honking.

Timing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . is everything.

So they repossessed your car and your home's in foreclosure? The Helpful Honda Dealers will help . . . by paying your trash bill this month!

My goal of drinking a cup of coffee is in direct contrast with my son's goal of stepping on my balls. #Parenting

If you're on So You Think You Can Dance, you MUST do a dramatic heart pumping gesture with your hands at some point. It's in the contract.

It's National Scotch Day. You know what they say: You either like Scotch, or you don't. Or you kinda do. Or you hate it. Or you just don't care.

If TV shows are to be believed, racetracks are 100% filled with deadbeat dads and the children they're about to abandon.

That moment when you realize you misspelled underwear.

That moment when you're putting on your underware after the shower and your feet get caught and you hop around like an idiot.

It seems like Channing Tatum is juggling a lot of balls in the air. #MagicMikeXXL

I was wondering why Blow Pops are called "pops" even though they're suckers and then I realized why. #BlowSucks

Someone on my block is really getting their money's worth out of their car alarm.

Life Hack: Set your goals ridiculously low and you'll accomplish all of your objectives.

It's all good. Except for the parts that aren't good. Which is most of 'em.

What's the difference between a snake in the road and a landlord in the road?
The landlord is a f*cking asshole.

Life Hack: Throw your circuit breakers at midnight to synchronize all the clocks in your house at once.

Miller Lite's slogan is: "A Fine Beer."
It's refreshing to see such honest marketing. #AdequateBeer

Latin music has a Pavlovian effect on me, because I mostly hear it while waiting for Mexican food.

Shout out to indelible ink. Come what may that shit will NOT be delled.

Woke up feelin' like a turd on a hot tin roof.

Just think--if we hadn't gained our independence, today would be the 0.25 of July. #MetricSystem #4thOfJuly #Blessed

Fun Fact: The movie Jurassic World was based on the novel Push by Sapphire.

I think the key to getting your music sampled on a hip-hop track is to talk about how much you love DJs.

Literal Turn Off: When an artist sings the name of a radio station at the beginning of their song.

If I ran a dry cleaners my slogan would be: "When a situation unfolds, I'll iron out the problem."

June 2015

fedoron (/fəˈdôrˌän/) - noun: a moron in a fedora

Does anybody ever have their money ready when they get to the drive-thru window?

I wouldn't bullshit you, or human shit you for that matter.

When a dog starts licking your arm it’s cute and then it gets gross really fast.

A hungry toddler is a lot like a Roomba.

There's no B, C, D, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, N, O, P, Q, R, S, U, V, W, X, Y or Z in team.

I've gotten to that age when I've started saying things like "I've gotten to that age."

I wonder how many fights those #1 Dad mugs have started.

Just added the word "bae" to my spell check. What have I become?

Life Hack: Any car can be a self-driving car if you don't mind runnin' into stuff.

What makes an oil "essential"?

Just passed a furniture store that isn't having a "going out of business" sale. Do I get a prize or something?

I'm assuming the people who came up with Mountain Dew's new product name "Dewshine" never actually said the name out loud?

dat grammar tho

Death Hack: Jump off a bridge.

And then he realized the tweets were coming from INSIDE HIS OWN HOUSE! (Modern campfire horror story, probably.)

Shout out to The Weather Channel for sticking to your guns this morning. Saying there's 0% chance of rain while it was raining on my head.

I will now tweet the entire plot of the Entourage movie in emoji: 

Investment Tip: Don't put any money in Jurassic Park stock. Every single park they've made has been a total disaster.

May 2015

Haven't seen Mad Max: Fury Road yet, but how hardcore can it be if the guy's driving around on a road covered in fur?

Life Hack: You don't have to put money on gift cards before giving them out.

Not spending enough time on your phone? Visit my blog More Rants than Raves!

Shout out to Redbox for broadcasting my personal email address to whoever happens to be behind me in line.

There are women that wear LOTS of perfume, and there are women that wear none. I'm pretty sure that's it.

I Don't Follow The Rules

I can't lead a horse to water OR make him drink. What do you think I am, a goddamn cowboy?

Drink every time Chris Harrison moves his hands while talking. Just kidding, you'd die of alcohol poisoning.

Everything this weekend is mad. Mad MenMad Max. EVERYONE NEEDS TO CALM THE HELL DOWN

Ride or die? Are those the only two options? How about "ride or die or sit on your couch watching TV?"

Ride or die or do a juice cleanse.

Ride or die or call your mother she misses you.

Ride or die or ask your doctor about Levitra.

Take me to church! Here's the churchy . . . here's the steeple . . . open the doors and . . . there's the people! Take me to church!

My cell phone bill has been the same amount for two months in a row. WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Idea for a Call The Midwife spinoff show: Dial A Doula

Ironically it takes a lot of balls for a guy to admit he's a feminist. #ImAFeminist #AlsoIHaveALotOfBalls #LikeFourOrFive

I don't care what that dude says, I still totally fear the reaper.

Want to truly feel alive? Turn off your GPS while driving. #EXTREME

Having a 3-year-old is like having a tiny bear in your house. They're cute and fun, but sometimes it seems like they're trying to kill you.

Heard on school announcement today: "Due to the inappropriate behavior of some students, the cafeteria will no longer be serving grapes."

We our are mistakes.

I don't follow basketball, but maybe OKC should change it's name to something a little less . . . average? #OK #C #OKC

April 2015

Mr. Rogers lied. My neighbors suck.

One good thing about having kids is that you'll never need to set your alarm clock again. #IHaventSleptPast6amInMonths

Time travel can’t exist because someone would have already traveled back in time and made Robin Thicke disappear.

Looking for some free entertainment? Hang out by a Redbox and silently judge people for what they allow their kids to rent.

Always “Is this shirt too small for me?” Never “Am I too big for this shirt?”

Is street smarts knowing the difference between a mixtape and an album?

I would never hitchhike! I prefer to PAY to be picked up by a total stranger. #Uber

Google's speech recognition refuses to type the word "shit" (it types "s***" instead). When did PCs get so damned PC?

Maybe take the time and energy you're using to defend your rape jokes and use it to come up with better material?

When you heat butter in the microwave, there’s a 0.2 second difference between solid butter and liquid bubbling lava explosion.

My new retirement plan is to hang out in shady areas and try to witness a crime. The Witness Protection Program seems NICE!

Nothing makes me drive slower than when a person behind me honks their horn.

There’s nothing more emasculating than a grown-ass man walking a bunch of tiny dogs.

I'd be more concerned about the environment if the environment showed a little concern for me. Would it kill to send a card?

The answer to the tweet above is yes, it would kill the environment (because cards are made from trees). #OvercomplicatedTwoPartEarthDayJoke

At this point I'm surprised there isn't an awards show that gives out awards to other awards shows.

Today is 4/21, which means there are only 364 days until you can smoke weed again!

Today is 4/20, so people that smoke weed will smoke weed and people that don't won't. So exciting!

My cable plan is sooo basic.

Apparently the zombie apocalypse has already started and they're all hanging out at this Taco Bell.

You know what taxes me? All these goddamn tax jokes on Twitter.

I’ve heard patience is like a muscle–it grows with practice. I’ve also heard you shouldn’t work out every day. #Parenting

The CIA could ID all people with OCD by fingerprinting all the open bottles of hand sanitizer on store shelves.

I put the “Ohhh snap!” in OCD.

I just heard a radio ad preempted by a “this message is brought to you by” ad by the same company that the ad was for. What is happening?!

NOTE: If you leave a flier on my car, you are an accomplice to littering.

Note to anyone who thinks that "no one knows" you're high:

I'm not "funny ha ha." I'm at LEAST funny ha ha ha.

If “clothes make the man” then hobos should be priests. Because their clothes are so HOLEY. Get it? Okay I’ll stop now.

Driving in the HOV Lane. Can't believe Jay Z has his own road now!

Still waiting to use those algebra equations from high school in my "real life."

Like the old saying goes, "It's approximately 5:24 somewhere!" #NationalBeerDay

Just opened an Evite and the clock’s ticking. I figure I’ve got about 24 hours to respond before the host starts judging me.

First of all, I don’t see how hard it would be to put one in a bottle. Secondly, it’s really gross. Wait did you say “SHIP?”

My plumber just told me there's no such thing as "flushable wipes." I said, "anything is flushable if it fits in the toilet."

Here's how Google Keep wrote my last tweet (above) when I dictated it:
the plumber said there's no such thing as a wife I said they're all possible

Google Keep voice dictation is batting 1,000. Here's another gem:
no everyone is seems that nobody knows their ass everyone knows your past

Your dog's jumping at my toddler!
What's that? Your dog's "really nice?"
Oh, my mistake. Please continue letting your dog jump on my child.

Microwave Beeps: 99 times out of 100 they're annoying, but 1 time out of 100 they save ya.

Do people who play chess in public actually like the game, or are they just trying to show off?

Just told a cop that I have lots of drugs in my pants and now he's chasing me. Hasn't this guy ever heard of April Fools' Day?!

March 2015

My shit’s hilarious (and my jokes aren’t bad either)!
That was not a good example.

Lunch ladies need a better PR firm.

Why wouldn’t I want to "fill up on chips and salsa?"

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 should’ve featured the tagline: ”Now with 100% less Lenny Kravitz!”

Is it called the Hunger Games because all the actresses are so damn skinny?

Why do I have to order UNsweetened tea? Nobody has to ask for “unsugared” coffee.

I’d be okay with the FBI using mind control on kids, as long as it’s only to train them to clean their rooms.

The biggest difference between video games of the '90s and today is that in the '90s I had a lot more time to play video games.

Is it true that Starbucks baristas are being encouraged to discuss NASCAR? HOW ARE THEY QUALIFIED TO DO THAT?! #StarbucksRaceConversations

NPR is asking people to pledge money. Yeah right! I called in to a show last year and gave my opinion and I'm STILL waiting on my paycheck.

"Texas Toast" is actually a trendy gluten free diet vegan charred bread served exclusively to hipsters at SXSW.

I’m 36 today!

It’s not my birthday; I just wanted you to know.

You can tell how much we cook in our family by the fact that we call our oven mitt the "pizza glove."

Some people prefer turkey to beef, but I think that's just fowl.

Hell hath no fury like me, once I catch whoever is leaving dog shit on my lawn.

For all intensive purposes my life’s such a worldwind I don't have time for learning grammar (irregardless of the consequences).

Goldfish are like batteries and lightbulbs. When they die you just swap 'em out with new ones.

Politics! Am I right? #Politics #News #Controversial

Is the point of SXSW to make everybody that's not there feel bad about not being there?

Never look a gift horse in the mouth. In fact, if someone offers you a free horse you should probably just get the hell out of there.

I think we can all agree that there’s a vas deferens between a guy’s dick and his balls.

Can I draw? Of course! It just looks like shit.

Just told my toddler that a CD is how people listened to music before iPods. I am officially 1,000 years old.

Startup Idea: Website that shows you how to cut the speaker wires inside of annoying toys.

“A spider chimping a wall. An inglet snorking a shoe and a hat. These are my jokes. You can tweet them.” –My 3-year-old son

Unfinished Jokes:

*something about condiments and "condom mints"
*coffee cake = beer Del Taco
*stands out "like a turd on the sidewalk"

Spoiler alert! Zoolander 2 might suck.

When people ask me my sign I say, "stop."

This techno Madonna remix is really getting me in the mood to buy produce. Thanks Ralphs Grocery.

Got Transformers on Google Play for free last night. After thinking about it for a while I kind of feel like they owe me money.

DON'T LOOK AT ME! #MakeAFirstDateWeirdIn4words

I’m pretty sure I hold the world record in “distance driven with parking break on.”

A moment on the lips a lifetime on the hips, but waiting to see if the vending machine is going to drop your candy is an eternity.

I’m starting to think that some people on Twitter are kind of self-obsessed.

The award for least requested wedding song goes to "Rude" by Magic.

I think the best ailment to claim in order to get a medical marijuana card would be "chronic separation anxiety."

Pitbull's so dope that even Pitbull's pitbull's have pitbulls! Probably. I really don't know much about Pitbull.

Just once it'd be nice to hear, "Yes way, José. Yes way."

Isn’t pretty much every book a "textbook?"

Just asked some kids what they want to be when they grow up and somebody said “retired.”

I'm a good diversity hire. Sure I’m a white male, but tall people are definitely underrepresented in the entertainment industry.

Cannot follow simple instructions. #ReasonYouWereFiredInTwoWords

You didn’t get the birthday card I sent? That’s weird; I put it in the mail like an hour ago.

Tattoo idea: “I already regret this.”

February 2015

It’s a little disappointing when you get hurt and it doesn’t leave a mark. How am I supposed to pine for attention?

Shark Tank would be so much better if people had to enter an actual shark tank to submit their ideas.

If these walls could talk I’d be like, “Shut up!” I mean, who wants to have a conversation with a freaking wall?

Don't hate the player or the game. Hate whoever came up with the ridiculous expression.

KFC is making an edible coffee cup. I'm worried the target market for the cup will just continue on and eat off their own hands.

All About that Bass Fishing #AddAWordDestroyASong

Hack Hack: Sharpen your ax before chopping wood.

You just know some guy’s out there thinking, “I can’t wait 'til this hipster trend is over so I can shave off this damn mustache.”

Wait, it's not YOUR dog? #RoommatesIn5Words

I’m rewarding myself for a job medium done.

Strike while the iron’s hot. Or cold. Either way if you strike someone with an iron you’ll probably get your point across.

It's hard to make excuses for being late when you're holding a cup of Starbucks in your hand.

People wait all year to complain about The Oscars running too long.

Thank you Oprah, Harpo, Porha, Aphor, Rahop . . . #Oscars2015

I hope Cuba Gooding Jr. and Ice Cube finally get recognized for their work in Boyhood. #Oscars2015

My retirement plan relies pretty heavily on winning the lottery.

Free Startup Idea: An app that plunges the toilet for you.

The heater in my apartment has two settings:

a) Scorching inferno
b) Off

I’m going to be the first person in the world to burn out the gas light in my car from overuse.

It's crazy how much my omelets resemble scrambled eggs.

When you're here, you're family. When you’re not around I'll pretend I don't know you.

Is it just me or are Sam Smith and Michael McDonald the same person?

Today is Love Your Pet Day

1 day of love, 364 days of indifference.

How do I know YOU aren't the one stealing the office supplies? #HowIWouldQuit

You can't fire me, I quit. Also, your wife slept with ME. #HowIWouldQuit

If I was Catholic I'd go for 41 days. #ExtraCredit #AshWednesday

This just in: Michelle Obama is lobbying to change Fat Tuesday to "Healthy BMI Tuesday."

My dad used to say that eating vegetables would “put hair on my chest.” I remember thinking girls must not eat many vegetables.

I bet I’d have a lot more followers if I’d started tweeting back in the '80s.

Even though I’m 6’ 5” tall, sometimes I feel like I’m only 5’ 17”.

I’m a baller on the outside, but a bawler on the inside.

“Give me liberty, or give me death.” –Thomas Paine, 1776

“I'm 'n luv wit a stripper.” –T-Pain, 2006

Because it's fabric. Wait, oh SATAN! #WhySatansABadDate6Words

Why shouldn’t I speak ill of the dead? Like 50% of the living are assholes; how are 100% of the dead off-limits?

sometimes when people tweet like this i think they are trying to hide the fact that they dont understand punctuation and grammar

Chipotle has stopped serving carnitas because of the way the farmers were handling the pigs. Apparently THEY WERE KILLING THEM.

I like my drinks like I like my donuts; old fashioned.

I wish Kanye would interrupt some of these ridiculous "Kanye interrupts" jokes going around.

It’s a given that anyone who’s singing to themself in public is hoping to be “discovered,” right?

It would be such a blessing if people would stop implying that they are more “blessed” than me.

I cannot overemphasize the importance of the accent marks in the name of my local Mexican restaurant, Holé Molé.

RT if you love acronyms.

"I've been really active on Twitter lately" is the same as saying "I'm on the verge of getting fired from my job.”

Start every entry with "Dear Diary." #AdviceForYoungJournalists

I’d like to thank the green flash phenomenon for adding a touch of disappointment to like 99% of the sunsets I see.

"Live fast die young" sounded kinda cool when I was younger. Now I just want to live slow and die never.

Just watched Gone Girl. At least Ben Affleck wasn't receiving an award for THAT film when he made his "marriage is work" speech.

“My bae’s on fleek.”
I think the pharmacy has a cream for that.

Office Depot and Staples are merging. Their new name will be Overpriced Ink Inc.

If “you are what you eat” then how come I’m not a liquid terminator made of nacho cheese?

Hey @TheGRAMMYs I have an idea for a slogan:
"The 57th Annual Grammy Awards: Not Your Grammy's Grammys"

Wanted to send a tweet to congratulate Harper Lee on her new book, but I can't find her Twitter account.

A lawn in the center of an apartment complex is basically just a big dog toilet.

A rapper who’s “all about the money?” How refreshing!

Love the new McDonald's ad. You can buy fries with a hug, burgers with a dance, and chicken nuggets with a handjob. #ImLovinIt

“Everything in moderation.”

(Except for moderation, apparently.)

January 2015

Fit as a fiddle? I’m thinking more "fit as a cello.”

I'm the guy your mother didn't warn you about. Because I'm nice.

I can twist a cherry stem in my mouth. When I spit it out it isn’t tied in a knot, but I put on a pretty dramatic performance.

If I had to describe my comedy style in one word it would be “funny.”

Where did the saying “tit for tat” come from? More importantly, what is “tat" and where can I find some? Seems like a good trade.

Saw a dreamcatcher hanging from a rearview mirror. If you're sleeping in your car, catching dreams is NOT your biggest concern.

We don’t need no education!

How about just a quick lesson on double negatives?

Tip for the CIA: To find sociopaths, monitor the radio and find out who changes the channel when a Taylor Swift song comes on.

Everything expires eventually. Especially coupons.

There’s no “Z” in team either but you don’t hear anyone bragging about that.

I don’t watch How to Get Away With Murder, but I bet the first tip is “don’t leave this show on your DVR after you commit the murder.”

When Velveeta employees leave for work, do you think they tell their families that they’re going to “make that cheddar?”

Just paid for a mocha at Starbucks and the barista who's making my drink is coughing all over the place. What do I do? Help!

I can't believe they didn't even mention Hugh! #WhitneyMovie #IWillAlwaysLoveHugh

Am I the only one who wishes that hashtags could include punctuation marks? #IAintJokinYall

Standing on the sidelines of a farmers market is a lot like watching a hippie parade.

Has anyone NOT touched the plate after the server warned them that it was “really hot?”

I was at a restaurant and overheard a pregnant lady ordering a “virgin” drink. I was like, yeah right, you’re not fooling anyone!

Confucius says: “The line for the men’s restroom at a gay nightclub is very long.”

I like to think of hipsters as fancy little lumberjacks. But instead of chopping down trees they play with smartphones and drink fancy coffee.‬

You say you’re feeling sick, but are you “$25 copay sick?”

"Do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing, and you'll never be criticized."

– Elbert Hubbard
Except for being a lazy, cowardly, loser.

Instead of “erection,” I think we should start saying, "he’s in the bone zone.”

They say too much of anything can be bad for you. Especially terminal illness.

Tried to supersize at McDonald's. Girl said they don't do it anymore. Then she got real excited and asked, "were you around when they did that?!"



























#HowDoYouKFC With my mouth, usually.

My three-year-old woke up and said, "Happy New Year! Can we watch the nose parade?”

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