One Liners by Ryan Danger Sims

(Some of which have more than one line.)

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December 2016

Zen Thought: What is the sound of Samuel L. Jackson whispering?

There are only two strengths of peppermint schnapps: So weak there's no point in drinking it, and so strong you might go blind.

Any sweater can be an ugly sweater if you put a photo of my cousin on it.

Everybody so sick, I'm wearing Purell like aftershave.

I think this IHOP just updated their menu while I was in the restroom.

I miss the old Kanye. The strong and bold Kanye. The not endorsing crazy sexist racist bullies Kanye.

Those laser Christmas light projectors are a great way tell your neighbors you're lazy.

Sleeping soundly–that's the dream.

Watching Home Alone 2 as an adult, and all I can think is THESE PARENTS SHOULD BE PUT IN JAIL.

If aliens are watching our TV commercials, they prob think each American buys a thousand cars a year.

Instead of thinking of guys who are skinnier than me as "in better shape," I like to think of them as "lesser men."

Trying to not have my tombstone read: "He was really good at apps."

If I was a hobo, I'd hang out in a grocery store deli and sample everything with a really pensive look on my face.

Free rap lyrics: "Yo, you ask me how I make my ends? That's like adult diapers 'cause it just depends."

Before you watch this horrific news story, check out our hilarious car insurance ad!

DIY peanut butter recipe:
1. Place peanuts in garbage disposal.
2. Flip switch.
3. Scoop out and enjoy!

Billion dollar idea: A microwave that doesn't beep and wake up your kids.

My cousin drank like a fish, so nobody was that surprised when he died. Drinking sea water is really bad for you.

Pretty sure Trump's primary source of info on the US is US Weekly.

I 👏  LIKE 👏  TO 👏  CLAP 👏  MY 👏  HANDS 👏

Craft brew is 10% beer 90% label.

What's worse than blue balls, right bro?! (The answer is green balls.)

I understand why the NRA supports Trump. Nothing sells guns like an impending apocalypse.

I understand why so many evangelicals voted Trump. Putting our nation in the hands of a sociopath is the ultimate act of faith.

November 2016

Actors, choose your rolls carefully. The "funky spunk" guy from Sex and the City will never escape that character.

Who has the disposable income to buy flags just to burn them?

This NFL announcer keeps saying he loves physical players. I prefer the emotional ones.

If it wasn't for the constant Microsoft updates I probably would've forgotten my computer password by now. #CupHalfFull

2016: Obama pardons turkey
2017: Trump goes to war with Turkey

BREAKING (Probably): Under the Trump administration, the Secret Service will be referred to as the "SS."

"So what do you do in your spare time?"
BEFORE KIDS: "I like to surf, mountain bike, go to clubs."
AFTER KIDS: "Hahahaha."

PRO TIP: If you don't bother changing the clock in your car for 6 months, you won't have to reset it on Daylight Saving Time.

Calm down beer companies–we don't need any more new IPAs!

I live my life like a baseball player with one nut. (Cup half full.)

I've seen people wearing overalls and high wasted pants. When are the "gangster Tweety Bird" shirts coming back?

October 2016

Dramatic? I'M THE LEAST DRAMATIC PERSON YOU'VE EVER MET IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE!

Our spooky theme park attraction is so extreme WE WILL LITERALLY MURDER YOU.

If I bought a 3D printer the first thing I'd print is an ink cartridge for my regular printer.

Ralphs HR: Your résumé looks great. One more question: Do you have ANY idea how to bag groceries?
Interviewee: No.
Ralphs HR: Your hired!

*making silly animal noises*
Nephew: Do a golden lemur!
Me: I don't know what that sounds like.
Nephew: Okay just do a regular lemur.

Did you know you can wear a sweatshirt from any college and you don't actually have to go there? #Loophole

Just saw some protesters sitting next to their picket signs, playing games on their phones. Not as effective as you might think.

According to his bumper sticker, the guy in front of me has let Jesus take the wheel. FYI Jesus is a TERRIBLE driver.

Make the Chargers great again.

My biggest pet peeve is the expression "pet peeve."

I brushed my teeth for this?

I wasn't following Donald Trump on Twitter, but in support of #TheBigUnfollow I followed him and then UNfollowed. Take that!

Dear baggers Ralphs Grocery, please put my milk in a bag. I do not need a gallon of milk rolling around the floor of my car collecting lint.

September 2016

Socially acceptable times to drink during the day:
• Funerals
• Weddings
• Kids birthday parties

Why put the toilet paper back on the roller when you're just gonna have to do it again in a couple days? #ExistentialBathroomThoughts

I'll stop wearing cargo shorts when it becomes cool for dudes to carry a purse.

I should get an Emmy for my performance as "dad pretending to like vegetables in front of his kids."

Is there a lesser trade you can make with the devil than the one for your soul? My ear hasn't popped for a week and I'm getting desperate.

Missed Convection: I said you were hot and you baked me cookies.

August 2016

Who is buying sandwich bags that don't zip, and why aren't they more clearly marked so I don't buy them on accident?!

Crazy is doing the same thing over and over. Especially if that thing is killing people for sport.

 Story of my life, I order a burger, ask waiter to bring mayo, it takes too long, burger gets cold, I find out it already had sauce on it 

All you have to do to be considered a genius is surround yourself with people who think you're a genius.

Saturday is my "cheat day" . . . ladies.

You guys a radio DJ just told me about a sweet deal he got on car insurance. #Blessed

You can tell how old a writer is by whether they use 1 or 2 spaces between their sentences.

My friend just committed her life to Jesus. It was a nice traditional Mexican wedding.

No matter how hard I try I don't seem to be getting any more ethnically diverse.

A booby trap is the best sounding trap and also the worst sounding trap.

Take this test to see if you're the type of person who takes tests!

Roundabouts are the traffic version of a free-market economy. "Just remove all stop signs and lights and it'll just work itself out!"

Who's great idea was it to incentivize losing teeth? "Hey kid, the more teeth you knock out, the more money you'll earn!"

I feel like I deserve a gold medal for fast forwarding through all these Olympic qualifying events.

So I have to type in "G3bHs5" to prove I'm NOT a robot? That sounds like robot talk to me.

Olympic swimmers seem like they're swimming really fast until you see the judges casually walking along on the side of the pool.

I never liked potty jokes until I had kids. Now I totally get it. You gotta play to your audience.

Olympic 100 meter swim races should be called "The Hobbit." Because they go there and back again.

Just overheard my wife telling our son "I do not negotiate with toddlers." #ProParenting

Zillow is great for when you want to feel bad about how rich your friends are.

I told my wife "I love you" and she was like "I love U2" and I was like wtf Bono sucks

If predictive text starts correctly filling in your joke as you type it, it might not be that great of a joke.

Remember Kids: The "cooler" you are when you're young, the more irrelevant you'll feel when you're old.

Hello and welcome to Cliché College Course Titles 101.

Bothered by lack of realism in movies? Call (555) 555-5555.

The thing I'm looking for is always in the last place I look. Which makes sense because once I find it I usually stop looking.

In the future, all street names will be emojis.
"Turn left on sad face."

I'm a Die Hard Lethal Weapon fan.

Classical music is great for when you want to almost fall asleep and then be startled awake by loud banging sounds.

If life gives you lemons you can't make lemonade because you still need sugar. 😞

People got upset when they remade Ghostbusters with a great female cast and nobody's saying anything about this new Pete's Dragon bullshit?!

Every car repair I've ever got has cost $400 or $1,500. No exceptions.

July 2016

Eat 30 of our hot wings and if you can make it to the bathroom without shitting your pants, your meal's FREE!

My retirement plan is to sign up with Ancestry.com and hit up long lost relatives for money.

Nissan's gonna fix a potentially deadly manufacturing defect in my car for FREE! #Blessed

The Purge but for getting rid of toys your kids don't play with but won't give away.

I am physically incapable of using a stud finder without pressing it to my body and exclaiming, "this thing really works!"

Finally saw The Revenant. It was like Dances with Wolves, meets The Last of the Mohicans, meets a pile of crap.

If your Costco gas transaction takes longer than 5 min, the person behind you should get to slap you in the face.

Idea: A hat covered in wavy white lines so you can't tell if it's the hat's "design" or if it's covered in sweat stains.

I've had this cough so long, I think I've got what Charlie's grandparents had in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Trying to maintain eye contact with someone who's wearing sunglasses when you're not is excruciating.

"Your words cut deeper than a knife."
What kind of knife are we talking here? If it's like a butter knife then that's not that big a deal.

Last year I quit drinking cold turkey. Eating it is SO much better.

It's nice when Hotel California comes on the radio because I don't have to change the station for like an hour.

I think the best job ever would be an actor playing a dead person. Talk about an easy way to make a buck.

Phone consultations with an on-call nurse are great for when you want to waste 30 minutes before making an appointment to see your doctor.

Remember when craft beer was called microbrew and everybody wasn't pretending to love it?

The amount of soap I spill while refilling my liquid soap dispenser cancels out the savings I get from refilling my liquid soap dispenser.

A friendly neighborhood greeting in LA is "watch out for the dog shit on the sidewalk."

Haven't watched it but I'm assuming "Mozart in the Jungle" is a modern take on those Beethoven dog movies, yes?

Welcome to our ool. Notice there's no "p" in it. Let's keep it that way hahaha.
Also shit. Please don't shit in our ool.

I'm worried that my son's business might be in trouble. I gave him nine cents and he gave me back a quarter. (Also, he's 4.)

Internet abbreviation for old people: COL (chuckle out loud)

Hey people who wear scrubs in public: GET AWAY FROM ME.

When my midlife crisis hits, instead of buying a convertible, I'm getting a bulldog named Spuds MacKenzie and teaching him how to skate.

O'er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming–like YouTube!

June 2016

Dear baggers Ralphs Grocery, please put my milk in a bag. I do not need a gallon of milk rolling around the floor of my car collecting lint.

Comedy's always been a defense mechanism for me. Like when I was bullied in school, I'd set the bully's house on fire and just laugh and laugh.

Weather in LA lately can best be described as "end of days" style.

In political news, Trump announces that his immigration policy now includes a ban on Neil Diamond's song "Coming to America."

Dinosaurs were so much cooler before they had feathers.

I'm too awake to sleep in so I guess I'll get up and drink a bunch of coffee.

Live. Laugh. Love. Butt stuff.

Bacon is the heroin of food.

My neighbors look like they're having a permanent garage sale that nobody wants to buy from.

If I had to guess I'd say I'm half white, half Caucasian.

Using a compass to navigate is great if you're traveling due north.

Trump may not wear orange for National Gun Violence Awareness Day, but keep in mind that his body is orange 365 days a year.

Just discovered that the funnel for my flask works great for getting bubble solution into my daughter's toy bubble blower! #DadHack

May 2016

Just looked up if there's a synonym for the word synonym.

Oh, you don't know what the word "pedantic" means? Allow me to explain . . .

How did gentlemen express their interest in courting a lady before dick picks?

Saw an old dude at Sizzler get a Señor Citizen discount even though he clearly wasn't Hispanic.

How do homeless people afford Sharpies?

I've been a feminist for 20 years and NOW it's considered cool? Think of how many chicks I could've been getting!

A man bun is just a ponytail smashed on top of a guy's head. Wake up sheeple!

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would go back to sleep.

I'm not your boy toy, I'm a MAN toy dammit!

"Because I said so" is a parenting phrase you say you'll never say, until you have kids.

Life Hack: If you set your alarm for 6:00 instead of 5:59 you get an extra hour of sleep.

You're gonna kill out there tonight!
–Stage Manager or Crime Boss

Pushing my 4yr old in a shopping cart that looks like a race car. He's making "horn" sounds, yelling "honky, honky, honky watch out!"

It'd be more efficient if my Xbox told me when my controller does NOT need new batteries.

It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game. Unless you're my cousin. That guy's just a loser.

Jay Z's got 99 problems and misogyny's one.

Toddler on toy phone: "Hello?"
Me: "TAKE ME OFF YOUR LIST!"

BREAKING: Trump names John Miller as his pick for VP. #Trump

Whether you say "same difference," or "six of one, half a dozen of the other," it's all the same to me.

Ordering in the Chipotle line is so stressful you should be able to list it as a skill on your resume.

How many flavors of Mountain Dew can they make before they admit it's just rat poison?

When did it become cool to say "Rest In Power" when someone dies? I want to rest in PEACE dammit!

Can we take a vote to erase the word "gastropub" from the English language?

Nothing ruins ketchup like the taste of real tomato.

It may be too late to "pologize," but have you tried saying you're sorry? #ItsTooLateToApologize

I worry about all the straight single ladies out there who aren't into hipster beards. Who's left for them to date?

Where were trans people shitting before?!

The napkins in a fast food bag are great for when you want to apply grease directly to your face.

Gifs are getting so short, pretty soon they'll just be photos.

You can say either "soda" or "pop," it's just that one way makes you sound like an idiot.

Ride or die or do an adult coloring book.

Did some research and confirmed that Dallas Raines is his actual birth name.

ATTENTION TRUMP SUPPORTERS:
There will be a special Trump event in Toronto, Canada on November 8th, 2016. Hope to see you all there!


The greatest trick the devil ever pulled is that stupid quote that everyone repeats.

April 2016

I'm a parent with an Xbox, which means I have just enough free time to run the system updates.

I don't usually get "hangry," but I think I get hangdepressed.

The whole Jedi Order needs a shakeup. How many Padawans DON'T end up trying to kill their masters?

My favorite author just signed my book and now I can't get the Sharpie off of my Kindle.

 "I hope to god I'll love you longer!" 
So you're saying you hope she dies first?

Just described the meal I made as "vegetarian except for the bacon."

I'm 37 and I still don't know what "word to your mother" is supposed to mean.

You do not need to call your dog by its full name.

The term "parallel thinking" is a ripoff of "great minds think alike."

You can tell a lot about a person by the way they behave at a Costco food sample cart.

Can I use your charger is the new can I bum a smoke.

I tried to keep my chin up, but I kept running into shit.

Weird is spelled weird.

I just had to double-check that it's 2016. I'm doing great!

*Trump having a heart attack*
"Quick, someone dial 711!"

NOTICE: If you are experiencing "all the feels," see your doctor immediately.

More like didgeridon't, am I right?

Wanna class up your Town Center? Just add an extra e! #TowneCenter

Has anyone actually ever dialed 1-900-MIX-ALOT?
If so, were you sufficiently able to "kick them nasty thoughts?"

I can't get an appointment with a euthanasia doctor to save my life.

Just took a Band-Aid off my finger to put it on another finger that I just hurt. So, I'm doing great!

Abstinence makes the dong grow fonder.

Have you ever felt like you had a really great tweet, but you just couldn't edit it down to be short enough, no matter how many times you tr

Not having any tattoos is the new having tattoos.

Every transaction:
"Don't swipe your card, use the chip reader."
*Two minutes later*
"I guess our chip reader's broken, swipe your card."

Hair doesn't grow on some parts of my legs. I look like a swimmer who's going for a very slight advantage.

When you assume, you make an a out of ss and ume.

When my kids are healthy: "Don't play with the toys in the lobby, you could get sick!"
When my kids are sick: "Knock yourself out!"

One exclamation point or three. Anything else is ridiculous.

If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, Leonardo DiCaprio will make a movie about it.

Hell is just sitting in a women's dressing room answering questions about how the clothes look.

March 2016

Imho I believe the children r r future but I hope they don't all write like this tho

I keep accidentally taking screenshots of my new phone's homescreen and then trying to press buttons that are actually a picture. #Blessed

There is a brief window of time when your toddler says "shit" instead of "sit," and it leads to some hilarious dialogue.

Airlines say that kids under 2 fly free, but what they don't tell you is that they have to be accompanied by an adult. #Scam

If people are watching you dance, you really should have the decency to acknowledge their presence.

Peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool are two completely different things.

Can Costco employees refuse to give you more samples at some point? I'm about to find out.

People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you barfed in their car.

Behaving or looking as though one thinks one is superior to others is super silly, yes?

If your dog's your "child" then why did you have his balls cut off?!

I'm going to heaven if it kills me!

My 4yr old on driving: "Red means stop, green means go. Bashing into cars is bad, not bashing into cars is good."

I'm starting to think Web MD doesn't even have a medical degree.

Told the guy in front of me that his shirt tag was sticking out. He said, "yeah, thanks" and did nothing about it. Is this a new style?!

If you could make a living picking out the best avocados at the grocery store I'd be RICH.

I wonder how much money that crow made doing the background vocals on "Jumpman."

Chris Harrson of The Bachelor is the most successful pimp ever.

Neil Lane of The Bachelor is the creepy uncle of reality TV.

How awesome would it be if Nicolas Cage and John Travolta did one of those face swap videos? #FaceOff2

Printed books will never go out of style. Rich people need them to access their secret rooms.

"I have no interest in becoming famous." -Anonymous

Is there anyone left who hasn't done a duet with Paul McCartney?

Phoned in = lazy, detached
Dialed in = focused
LinkedIn = TAKE ME OFF YOUR EMAIL LIST

Blue humor is okay, but I'm more interested in purple humor (jokes exclusively involving Prince).

Dear Hollywood,
It'd be cool to see a pretty girl on a billboard who's not covered in blood.
Thanks.

It should be illegal for the ad before the video clip to be longer than the video clip.

My body is made up of 0% jokes about what type of food makes up my body.

February 2016

DiCaprio played a "fur trapper" in The Revenant? How do you trap fur?

I just swatted a fly so violently that I'm pretty sure Dateline is going to call and request an interview.

My grandma's an octogenarian and while I admire her tenacity there's no way I could survive an all-octopus diet.

I feel the same about Jose Canseco as I do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They seemed so cool before they turned into steroid monsters.

My 1yr old is on the floor having a fight with a pair of my jeans right now. She appears to be losing.

The worst part of a conscious uncoupling is when your ex is on the radio singing about how his new girlfriend makes him feel "alive again."

Parenting Question: Is there ever a time when you're NOT worried about your child being on fleek?

My wife just told my 4yr old that it's time to hit the sack. He asked, "what do you mean by shit the shack?"

Is the music at Starbucks getting cooler or am I just getting old?

The only thing more expensive than Legos is the dental surgery my son will need from pulling them apart with his teeth.

Ride or die or move out of your parent's basement.

Traveled with my family this weekend. On a bathroom stop my 4yr old leaned over and whispered, "McDonald's looks like a house for hobos."

All you need is love.*
*Also, food and water.

Just asked my four-year-old how he wants his eggs and he said, "scrambled with a hundred bacons."

People say "ginormous" all the time, but when I say something's "egantic" people look at me like I'm crazy.

Regardless of what your house is made of, you should NOT throw stones.

Were here today not to mourn a death, but to celebrate a life. So if those aren't "happy tears" get the hell out.

If your indie band's name doesn't reference a classic novel WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING?

"Rose! Rose. Rose? ROSE!!!" –Full transcript of Leo's dialogue in Titanic

I keep my fast food receipts in case I get food poisoning. That way my family can sue them if I die.

I'm hard on myself for being so hard on myself.

HOW WHITE CAN OUR TEETH ACTUALLY GET?

My cousin quit drinking one year ago today. He died of dehydration and it was very sad.

Sometimes I miss my mortgage payments. Come back to me mortgage payments!

A fun thing to do when flying next to a stranger is to introduce yourself by saying, "I'm terrified of flying and I'm a BIG talker."

The samples at this farmers market are so good it makes me wish I had Mission Impossible mask technology so I could go back 10 more times.

Guess who has two thumbs and another thumb? My cousin who was exposed to radiation. :(

Something about pansexual people using cooking spray instead of KY? Because that's what you use on pans? Idk I'm tired.

My friend said he looks great in winter clothes. Everybody looks good in winter clothes. YOUR ENTIRE BODY IS COVERED UP.

Fun Bachelor Live game: Every time Chris Harrison says "bachelor nation," shoot yourself in the head.

If The Bachelor wants to see what a "normal" night would be like with his date, one of them should do taxes while the other cleans a toilet.

If you're on The Bachelor and don't get to ride in a helicopter WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING?


January 2016

QUIZ: Let's get to the bottom of this! Pick your least favorite expression.
 [  ] Cool beans
 [  ] 'Nuff said
 [  ] Sixer of brewskis
 [  ] 110 percent

How long am I required to pretend I'm going to buy the food I'm sampling?

I can count the number of fingers I have on two hands.

The Pirates of the Caribbean movies are a great way for your kids to develop a healthy appreciation of rum.

QUIZ: Last night I seriously injured my foot. Guess how!
 [  ] Breakdance battle
 [  ] Bar fight
 [  ] Bear fight
 [  ] Wii Balance Board

I quit my job as a guy who talks really fast on radio commercials. Too many restrictions applied.

WASP-Man #MakeAMovieWhiter

There's a mouse in my apartment. I'm playing Adele in hopes he'll get depressed and commit suicide.

I'm a feminist and if you don't like that you can suck it.

"Great minds think alike" is a really nice way of saying "f*ck you for stealing my idea."

I’m at the stage in my comedy career where I’m killing it in the grocery store checkout line.

Back on the day "going viral" just meant someone got herpies.

I’m gonna write a children’s book for boys entitled “Oh the Places You’ll Pee!”

"You can pee on a curb, you can wiz on a tree. You can piss on a tire, oh the places you'll pee!"

Doctors Without Borders, but for celebrity DJing.

There's a lot of pressure on the young to build a better future. It's nice to get older and be like "good luck with that."

Quiz: The Bachelor is
 [  ] The best
 [  ] The worst
 [  ] All of the above

Real talk - I don't like the expression.

Schrodinger's pussy. #SexyScience

Push your kid on a swing, and he'll swing for a minute. Teach your kid to swing himself, and you can go get a beer.

I currently hold three records, and will until I put them down.

If you're over 40 you're not a boyfriend, you're a manfriend.

My toddler's favorite thing right now is cheese. She's literally all about that cheddar.

I'll exercise when I'm dead.

Being picked second-to-last is my penultimate concern.

To be sure I'm feeding my kids healthy food, I think of what I eat and give them the opposite.

Expect the expected. That's literally all you can do.

OCD QUIZ!: Do you check the R/L markings on your headphones to make sure you're putting them on correctly?
 [  ] Of course!
 [  ] I'm a rebel.

Remember: It takes more muscles to frown than to walk around grinning like an idiot.

POLL:
 [  ] Soda
 [  ] Pop
 [  ] Cola
 [  ] Heroin

An app that tells you if your coat is in your car.

I got stacks on stacks of bins on racks. #OCD

Most dog beaches are pretty shitty.

The problem with The Bachelor is that everyone's already found their true love: themselves.

QUIZ: What's your favorite sex-themed beverage?
 [  ] Naked Juice
 [  ] Menage à Trois wine
 [  ] Squirt

Don't forget to leave your heart out on that stage! But first sign this liability waiver because you cannot live without a heart.

Twitter verification, but for people who've never harassed other people on Twitter.

Worker in drive-thru asked if I wanted ketchup. I said "yes" but when I got home there was no ketchup. Were they just taking a survey?

If you like standing in the kitchen waiving around wet garbage, you'll love my motion sensor trash can!

"Be sure to stay tuned for the re-airing of the 2016 Rose Parade, immediately following this presentation of the 2016 Rose Parade."

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