One Liners by Ryan Danger Sims

(Some of which have more than one line.)

2020 • 2019 • 2018 • 2017 • 2016 • 2015 • 2014 • Instagram

December 2017

The official dad uniform is “Costco from head to toe.”

I’m so tired that I just stood in an elevator for two minutes before I realized I hadn’t pressed a button.

Has anyone ever used the term “coed” without sounding like a creep?

One thing about having kids is that you’re never bored! Seriously, what’s that like? Sitting quietly with nothing to do? Sounds intoxicating.

Let’s be clear; Obama popularized this phrase.

If I had a dollar for every time I bought something at Dollar Tree...

How secure is this three digit security code if I have to give it out every time I buy something on my credit card?

My 3yr old just told me she’s “putting on band-aids so that if she gets a boo-boo, there will already be a band-aid on the spot.” #PlanningAhead

Papa Roach has a lot of songs about his terrible childhood, but I think the worst thing is that his parents named him Papa Roach.

November 2017

At what age do you stop getting off the elevator at the wrong floor?

Any vehicle can be an amphibious vehicle for a least a few seconds.

Variety is the spice of life, unless you’re cooking, then spice is the spice of life.

There’s a special place in hell for the person who made the iPhone start playing all songs alphabetically when you plug it into your car.

Okay Roy, we talked it over and decided that if you pass the dutchie on the right hand side one more time, you’re out of the group.

Any train can be a wine train if you pack right.

I’m the Michael Jordan of staining my shirt with my last bite of food.

How is it 2017 and they still don’t include toothpicks in bags of beef jerky?

Haven’t ironed in a while. Is an hour per shirt about average?

Wanna feel old? Have all your teeth removed and start wearing dentures.

Who has one thumb and hurt himself on the job? This guy.
—testimony in workers comp case

October 2017

My brother’s iguana was eating kale way before it was cool. I’m adding mealworms to my diet to get ahead of the next trend.

When the Cleveland Chargers win the Super Bowl in 2044, I’ll be able to say that I never stopped being a fan.

If I listed my place on Airbnb the first thing I'd ask is, "are you planning to use it for a porno shoot?"

If leave the Keurig before the coffee is done brewing, I will immediately forget that I made that coffee.

Nothing tastes as good as nachos feel.

A minute ago I knocked down a wasp’s nest and ran inside my house. I just realized I locked the door behind me...

September 2017

Dog poo is like an Easter egg you can find every day–except it's not that hard to find, and it's shit.

My 3yr old is singing "I have a butt," and I have to say, it's very relatable.

If the alt-right's right, I want to be wrong... I mean...if the alt-right's wrong I want to be right... I'M SAYING I HATE NAZIS.

Twitter's increase to 280 characters will allow the kind of deep political discourse that will finally solve our nation's problems.

I think I'm allergic to my allergy medicine.

veg·an /ˈvēɡən/
1. a person who will not shut up about being vegan.

I don't think I know anyone who hasn't been to a Steve Miller concert.

I'm confident...right?

Kindergarten is the best grade. The entire contents of my son's backpack is lunch.

Be the "person who doesn't leave a disgusting mess in public bathrooms" that you wish to see in the world.

August 2017

I refuse to use any urinal that isn't marked "all gender."

Call me Ted, 'cause this music got me Danson! (sorry)

July 2017

If sweating was a sport, I'd be an Olympic athlete.

A homeless guy just complemented me on my beard and now I'm thinking I should shave?

I'm too broke to buy new clothes, so I have to make new friends every 6 months.

Damn girl, I hope you aren't relying on Trumpcare to treat your pre-existing conditions, 'cause your body is sick!

Free Reader's Digest Joke: A doctor saying to his nurse "stop testing my patients!"

June 2017

Instead of using the elevator, I take the stairs. Only on the way down, but still...

Can we just agree to make all new technology use one type of cord?

Hey "The Clash," given that if you go there will be trouble, and if you stay it will be double, then going=100% less trouble. U should go. #Solved

My 3yr old eats twice what I eat, and my 5yr old eats three times what I eat. So my point is, buy stock in Costco.

I dropped a pair of tweezers in the toilet and getting them out was like playing the worst game of Operation ever.

My mom is like WebMD if you took out the "medical facts" and kept the "fearing the worst."

You're not an adult until you've swallowed a pill with hot coffee.

I suffer in silence, but without the silent part.

A riddle, wrapped in a mystery, rolled in a tortilla = a conundrum quesadilla.

Teach your children to say "please" and "thank you" and you'll ensure that they'll never work at the DMV.

You know how Disneyland has really big lines? Well it's like that, but with no fun rides at the end. (Me explaining the DMV to my kids.)

BREAKING: My faith in humanity.

You can tell how old someone is by how long it takes them to reply to a text.

May 2017

You wanna talk about romance? My grandparents only dated for 2 months before they got married! They quickly divorced, but still...

The phrase "no trans fats" is great on a food label, but terribly offensive on a dating profile.

Saw a homeless guy holding a sign saying he's a vet. Really dude? With all the pets in the world you can't get a job?

My dog is on his last legs. ☹️ I just can't afford any more prosthetics.

I leave a gun by my front door, so if an intruder picks it up, statistically HE'LL be the one who gets shot.

"I never tried cocaine--I couldn't bear the thought of snorting something up my nose. Flonase™ changed all that."

Do you like Star Wars, but hate lightsabers and cool force powers? Rogue One is the movie for you!

I feel like we're a few months from Betsy DeVos incorporating brands into school curriculum.
🎶  A-B-C-D-P-F-Chang's, I-H-O-P, T-G-I-Friday's 🎶

April 2017

POLL: If you're a fan of U2, how would you rate them overall?
 [  ] First
 [  ] Second
 [  ] Third
 [  ] Catorce

Proud to say that we're transitioning away from using wasteful disposable diapers.
(started potty training)

So some dude named "Wetzel" just happened to be really good at making pretzels?

The odds that every new Star Wars movie will feature a droid calculating the odds is 100%.

A remake of White Fang for the millennial generation called Blue Tooth.

Am I a risk taker? I just ate a breakfast burrito from Del Taco, so you tell me.

Remember the good old days when shampoo gave people orgasms?

March 2017

I've seen too many Boss Baby ads and now every time I see an infant I'm like GET A JOB

I'm starting to think that the "this will go on your permanent record" threat from my school teachers might have been bullshit.

Hey Toyota: If every sales event is the #1 sales event, then no sales event is the #1 sales event.

Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself. (I'm a pathological liar.)

Oh I'm a gang banger all right. I bang ALL the gangs.

I wanna be rich enough to buy a whole bag of grapes without removing some to lighten the bag.

Just found out that Ryan Gosling did all his own piano playing in La La Land and I think I turned gay for like a minute?

February 2017

My grandparents have been married for 50 years! (Not to each other, but still!)

My grandpa built his own house with his bare hands. I use my toolbox to change toy batteries.

Girl, I'm like a wealthy Englishman. 'Cause I could afford to lose a few pounds.

I'd pull myself up by my bootstraps if I knew what the hell bootstraps were.

I guess on the bright side now every kid will actually believe they can be president one day?

Imagine being rich enough to have every type of Ziploc bag in your cabinets.

January 2017

Ringling Bros/Barnum & Bailey Circus is closing after 146 years. They can't compete with a full-time clown in the White House.

If you really want to confuse your kid, buy a clownfish and name it Dory.

The new Amazon Prime slogan should be:
"Two-Day Shipping! Unless it takes longer . . . which happens like half of the time."

Did you know that 70% of people are addicted to their phones and the other 30% will NOT shut up about it?

Parents of the Past: "Don't put me in a home!"
Parents Now: "You're going to pay for my rent and food? Hell yes!"

I don't like to brag, but I'm pretty good at it.

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