One Liners by Ryan Danger Sims

(Some of which have more than one line.)

2020 • 2019 • 2018 • 2017 • 2016 • 2015 • 2014 • Instagram

December 2018

Life is short. Take time to smell the markers.

All I want for Christmas is for you to stop playing that song.

🎶 It’s the most wonderful time of the year! 🎶
🎶 There'll be parties for hosting 🎶
🎶 Marshmallows for toasting 🎶
🎶 There'll be scary ghost stories 🎶
Okay I’m pretty sure you’re just describing a campfire.

Like 50% of parenting is roaming around the house flushing toilets and flipping off light switches.

Never bring a knife to a gun fight. Better yet, don’t go to a gun fight.

Women want to be with me.
Men want to be me.
Gender fluid people want to be free to have whatever relationship with me they choose without being judged.

There are two types of people in this world. The ones who refill the Keurig water, and the ones who are probably going to hell.

Why does Amazon want me to lie and say that I'm "not me" in order to log off? I'm not going to hell for you, Amazon!

Asked Siri to play Something by The Beatles and we got into our first real argument.

November 2018

Is your CBD Oil just not as effective as it used to be? Try my new PCP Oil™️ today!

Baby Boomers: “Why can’t you buy your own home?”
Millennials: “Because you bought three and tripled their price.”

You didn’t sound pedantic until you used the word “pedantic.”

I wonder if anyone has actually called Dr. Dre “Clearasil” to his face.

I’m silently correcting you’re grammar.

October 2018

Toilet paper prices are out of control. Can kids these days even afford to TP houses?

If there's a hell, at least part of it involves stirring organic peanut butter.

My Bitmoji dresses better than me.

September 2018

Restaurants should be legally obligated to disclose if they charge for ranch.

Communal toys in the pediatrician’s office are a great way for doctors to get repeat business.

110% is at least 10% inaccurate.

When I was a kid, I thought flop sweat came from a mysterious part of the body called the "flop."

First rule of hypnosis: never practice in the mirror.

Prediction: Tom Cruise will do his own jet plane stunts in Top Gun 2 and that will be the end of old Tom Cruise. 😬

August 2018


Poppin’ K-Cups like Tic Tacs.

Shout out to tugboats, the tow trucks of the sea.

The most relatable part of Star Wars is when the stormtroopers see Obi-Wan and Vader fighting with lightsabers and they immediately leave their guard posts to go check that shit out.

McDonald’s ice cream sundaes used to come with whip cream and a cherry. Now you’re lucky if they throw a bag of nuts at you through the drive-thru window.

Currently in the “unable to lie on the couch without a kid jumping on my stomach“ phase of parenting.

Sold a used Diaper Genie at a garage sale today. AMA.

July 2018

Idea for next Mission Impossible movie: everyone is actually Tom Cruise in a mask.

I don’t get the appeal of Victorian style houses. Do these people enjoy being haunted?

There should be two different horns in cars: One for when the light has changed, and another for I WANT TO MURDER YOU

Taught my kids to use walkie-talkies. My 4yr old daughter’s first message to her older brother was: “Why are you pooping in your pants? Over.”

Life’s short. Buy the good toilet paper.

Woke up thinking why the hell do we settle for just a *fourth* of July? This is America! From now on I’m celebrating the WHOLE of July.

A summary of writing advice I’ve received:
Stand up for yourself, stick to your guns and don’t compromise on your artistic vision. Also, kill your darlings, take criticism on the chin and don’t get too attached to your projects.

June 2018

Had a few drinks last night and apparently booked a yurt on Airbnb?

News from the White House has gotten so bad, I’m starting to look forward to the NPR pledge drives.

My 6yr old son just described a riptide as “it feels like a big hug, but really it’s the ocean trying to kill you.”

My 6yr old thinks LeBron James’s name is “NBA Jones” and there’s no way I’m correcting him.

You spend your youth saying “I can do it myself” and your old age trying to get everyone else to do stuff for you.

My dad left years ago but I save like $3 a year by not sending him a Father’s Day card so it all works out.

Is anything still on fleek?

I’m gonna open a bakery called “Just for Gays” and make a billion dollars..

May 2018

The 96 Bulls could beat any current NBA team, because no team of 5 guys can compete against a team of 96.

“The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was that “rubber pencil” thing. (He's not that good at magic.)

Did you know that the Swedish word for hell is IKEA?

Adjusting the thermostat right before bed is like playing a really shitty lottery. Will I wake up soaked in sweat? Frozen to death?

Taking your child to work is like running a marathon on a treadmill. You exhaust yourself, but get nowhere.

April 2018

“That Xbox controller is not a toy!”
-A ridiculous thing I’ve said to my young kids.

Burger King: Because there’s nothing else close by.

Going into Costco with my kids:

Has anyone ever watched an Instagram story and been like, “that was worth it?”

Just overheard two baristas talking about getting “two body piercings for the price of one,“ in what may have been the most millennial conversation ever. #BOGOPiercing

So the song "Love Potion No. 9” is about liquid ecstasy, yes?

Where there’s a will there’s a way-shady relative trying to get money.

IKEA is like the worst casino ever. You immediately lose track of where you are, there are no clocks, and you always walk away broke.

The ultimate April Fools prank would be doing a prank on a different day and then be like "It's April Fools" and then everyone would be totally confused and tricked.

If you lived here you’d have a big sign in front of your house saying you’d be home now.

Did you know that if you leave a tooth in a jar of gasoline it will dissolve, probably? My point is, don’t drink gasoline.

Twitter: for when you need to know when a person dies, within seconds of them hitting the floor.

I’m not a douchebag, which should count as a diversity hire in Hollywood.

It’s cute when people on bicycles think they’re cars and get in front of you going 5 mph.

6yr old: "Are you furious?"
3yr old: "No, I'm too mad!"

March 2018

Fun fact: The time it takes to preheat an oven and cook a frozen pizza is approximately the same amount of time it takes a 6yr old to brush his teeth and get to bed. #SuperLagger

As a kid I had to give 10% of my money to the church. Is there, like, any way to get that money back?

Me: Knock knock.
Twitter: Don’t you mean “bang bang?” As in the sound of assault rifles tearing our nation apart?
Me: Okay, I’ll try another one. Why did the chicken...
Twitter: Wait, is this chicken cage-free?

Weather forecast apps translated:
Chance of rain 90% = it’s definitely going to rain
Chance of rain 10% = it’s probably going to rain
Chance of rain 0% = it might rain

With all this technology, how is it possible that my map doesn’t mention that the restaurant it’s sending me to is in a mall food court?

Instead of trying to kill two birds with one stone maybe we should just not try to kill birds at all?

“It’s pilot season!”

Can you get PTSD from listening to too many true crime podcasts?

*buying lotto tickets*
"Quiet down kids, I'm trying to invest in your future!"

February 2018

Want to see something really scary?
Look underneath your child’s car seat.

“Why are they called babysitters? They don’t sit on babies!”
–My 6yr old

I spend more time editing my iPhone dictation than if I just typed the texts out by hand.

If the plan goes awry, was it really the best laid plan?

I'm a real chick magnet. I can’t go near farms for fear of being pelted with a barrage of baby chickens.

Is the opposite of “screwing the pooch,” putting the pooch in the friend zone?

The reason “the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry” is that mice are not trustworthy partners.

There are currently 1,253 different flavors of Doritos.

Yosemite Sam
“Say yer prayers, varmint!”
Salmonella Sam
“I’ll take the chicken, medium rare!”

I love that the first thing companies do when you unsubscribe from their email list is send you a confirmation email.

A slumber party is a sleepover, not a stay-up-all-night-and-scream-over!
–My wife being a pro parent

If I was in charge of a church sign I would def write something about today being a “critical mass.” #AshWednesday

Just learned that I’m the exact same height and weight as The Rock which would totally make sense if you took my stomach and transferred it to my arms.

Say “Equifax hack” three times fast. It’s a great distraction from the fact that your data has almost certainly been compromised!

The entire United States Military is in this Chick-fil-A.

When hiking in nature, take only photos and leave only footprints. And also maybe some pee.

3yr old Daughter: “I love you.”
Me: “Aw, I love you too.”
Daughter: “I was talking to my sandwich.”

Rock out with your cock IN please. It’s basic manners.

Just brewed a Keurig pod into a nonexistent cup. AMA

SEX!!! Now that I have your attention, do you want to have sex?

January 2018

Costco sampling all their Super Bowl food right now and I don’t think I’m ever going to leave.

“Let’s play catch with your iPad!”
—My 3yr old daughter

An anti-improv group named No Or.

I could've brewed 1,242 K-Cups in the time it took me to get through this Starbucks line.

Is everyone faking it with shots? I can’t be the only one fighting to not make a sour face.

Wanna feel old? This joke format has been around for half a decade.

In these divisive times, I think we can all agree on one thing: the Patriots do not need to win another Super Bowl.

Toy in the ‘90s: “Requires 2 AA batteries.”
Toy today: “Requires 15 deadly watch batteries that look like shiny candy.”

Once I put my laundry in my washing machine, I immediately forget that it exists.

Did Apple rename iPhoto “Photos” just to mess with people searching for help on Google?

Feminist t-shirt idea: “Hoes before bros!”

Wanna feel old? Wear adult diapers.

QUIZ: How long do you floss after visiting the dentist?
 [  ] 2-3 days
 [  ] A week or more
 [  ] Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck that

At the end of the day, I'm a person who watches The Bachelor.

The thing you need to understand is, everyone stops listening when you start a sentence like this.

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