One Liners by Ryan Danger Sims

(Some of which have more than one line.)

2020 • 2019 • 20182017 • 2016 • 2015 • 2014 • Instagram

April 2019

At this point I’m 100% sure it was either Adnan, or someone else. #Serial

The more Taco Bell hot sauce packets you put on your food, the better the value.

March 2019

Headline: "Trump Says Wind Power Can’t Work Because It Only Blows Sometimes"
If only we could harness power from my jerk-ass cousin. That dude blows 24/7.

Pick up line for middle aged people:
"Hey girl, is your hair undergoing gentrification? ‘Caus whites are popping up everywhere."

February 2019

My 4yr old has a pack a day Band-Aid habit.

The camera adds 10 pounds, but Photoshop takes off 20.

Soft toilet seats are the most comfortable way to spread disgusting germs.

Why are all these singers waiting until they’re dead to tour as a hologram? #EarlyRetirement

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Whenever I eat beef jerky.

Have you talked to your doctor about bird box?

Boomers who busted their kids for smoking weed are now scrambling to try and make money off companies selling weed.

“My Postmates Courier Drives A Brand New Mercedes: A Modern Mystery”

January 2019

Excited about the Super Bowl. It’s the Super Bowl of football!

Twitter in 2016: Somebody liked your tweet!
Twitter in 2019: Somebody you don’t know liked something you don’t like!

We adopted a cat and I think he has a cat allergy?

I got a membership to a fitness center two weeks ago and still haven’t gone in. I prefer to think of it as “having a gym on retainer.”

*Drops off car for oil change*
*Mechanic calls 20 minutes later*
So, you're gonna need a new air filter, and a total engine replacement.

Theirs always room for improvement.

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