One Liners by Ryan Danger Sims - 2019

(Some of which have more than one line.)

Click the links below to see jokes from each year!

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December 2019

‘Tis the season to frantically lint roll your children in a restaurant parking lot.

Wuthering Heights be like 🎵 Heathcliff, Heathcliff, no one should, terrorize the neighborhood 🎵
This joke is for the "people who read classic literature and also enjoy retro cartoons" demographic.

Taco Bell’s like you can have a single taco for two dollars or we can cram our entire menu into a box for you for five

If children’s cartoons are to be believed, Christmas constantly needs saving. What kind of operation is Santa running up there?!
I mean, he has thousands of magical slaves and he STILL can’t keep his shit together??

POLL: Paper straws are
[ ] The worst

Sharpie pens only live up to their name for the first 5 minutes of use.

November 2019

The character Harry Potter was born in 1980, making him 40 next year. Audible asked what the title of his book be now. I believe it would be "Harry Potter and the Order of Buffalo Wings."

My wife wants me to take her to Bora-Bora. I can’t even afford one Bora, let alone two.

The problem with CBD oil is that it’s so damn hard to find a place in LA that sells it.

October 2019

—Someone who is not actually screaming

Using a verb as an adjective is so cringe.

Has anyone used their car's emergency break in an actual emergency?

It’s 2034. All retail outlets have been replaced by internet commerce and every freestanding structure is a Halloween Super Store.

September 2019

Environmentally friendly straws: for when you want your drink to taste like a paper towel.

August 2019

[No new jokes this month. Sorry–I've been really busy!]

July 2019

Pretty sure that if you buy enough Gatorade bottles at the same time the store actually owes you money.

Earlier today I was standing next to a woman who was bragging to her friend that she’s “really good at eavesdropping.” I turned to her and said, “so am I.” 😎

June 2019

I see you, people who deliberately go back and make the first letter of your tweet lowercase so as to appear more chill.

Full transcript of me calling Kaiser:
“Representative. Representative. Representative. Representative. Representative. REPRESENTATIVE!”

Hand sanitizer: for when you want to smell like a cheap drunk.

It should be illegal to serve Pepsi at a restaurant.

“The trunk is the butt of the car.”
-My 7yr old

I’ve taken college exams that are less stressful than ordering in a Chipotle line.

May 2019

Whoever decided that cat starts with a C and kitten starts with a K must have really hated kindergartners.

Leaving your trash can on the street is a great way to collect tiny bags of your neighbors’ dog shit.

I’m feeling really good about my emergency brake after driving with it on for two minutes and NOT EVEN NOTICING.

Postmates, but for haircuts.

When I’m done ironing a shirt it has the same amount of wrinkles as when I started, but the new wrinkles are ironed in.

Sometimes I worry that our generation won’t be remembered as the most extra.

My wife: “Please don’t give our kids examples of what not to do.”
My 7yr old: “But dad’s really good at that!”

Is it too much to ask to have two separate pharmacies; one for people who are refilling prescriptions and one for people dying from contagious disease?

April 2019

I bet Valerian steel-cut oats were amazing.

Taking down a tent is 10% folding poles and 90% trying to get the tent back in its bag.

Your clothes are on fleek! And by that I mean they were in style at one point in time, but now they’re tired and worn out.

Girl, I’m like the Q-tip behind your bathroom trash—I’ll always be there.

First years parenting: “Please finish your veggies if you want fruit.”
Now: “You’re not getting any cake if you don’t finish your pizza!”

My mom texting me gifs is the new my mom sending me email forwards.

At this point I’m 100% sure it was either Adnan, or someone else. #Serial

The more Taco Bell hot sauce packets you put on your food, the better the value.

March 2019

Headline: "Trump Says Wind Power Can’t Work Because It Only Blows Sometimes"
If only we could harness power from my jerk-ass cousin. That dude blows 24/7.

Pick up line for middle aged people:
"Hey girl, is your hair undergoing gentrification? ‘Caus whites are popping up everywhere."

February 2019

My 4yr old has a pack a day Band-Aid habit.

The camera adds 10 pounds, but Photoshop takes off 20.

Soft toilet seats are the most comfortable way to spread disgusting germs.

Why are all these singers waiting until they’re dead to tour as a hologram? #EarlyRetirement

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Whenever I eat beef jerky.

Have you talked to your doctor about bird box?

Boomers who busted their kids for smoking weed are now scrambling to try and make money off companies selling weed.

“My Postmates Courier Drives A Brand New Mercedes: A Modern Mystery”

January 2019

Excited about the Super Bowl. It’s the Super Bowl of football!

Twitter in 2016: Somebody liked your tweet!
Twitter in 2019: Somebody you don’t know liked something you don’t like!

We adopted a cat and I think he has a cat allergy?

I got a membership to a fitness center two weeks ago and still haven’t gone in. I prefer to think of it as “having a gym on retainer.”

*Drops off car for oil change*
*Mechanic calls 20 minutes later*
So, you're gonna need a new air filter, and a total engine replacement.

Theirs always room for improvement.

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