One Liners by Ryan Danger Sims - 2020

(Some of which have more than one line.)

Click the links below to see jokes from each year!

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August 2020

The expression “I’ll bet you dollars to donuts” doesn’t have the same significance now that donuts cost a dollar each.

July 2020

If you can’t say anything nice, shut the hell up.

June 2020

My wife just told me that the NBA just apologized to Colin Kaepernick. Huge if true.

May 2020

My 5yr old just held up her stuffed animal and said, “this cat can’t make French toast, because he’s not alive. Also, he’s sleeping.”

Read the Zoom, Gary. Read the Zoom.

April 2020

Instructions on coffee bags are like USE THIS WHOLE BAG TO MAKE ONE POT

Just told my kids COVID-19 was caused by Ratatouille cooking and serving all that food.

Who has two thumbs and the rest of his hands burned all over from an excessive amount of cooking due to quarantine? This guy.

What our country is seeing right now is a divide between the idiots and the people who are not idiots.

March 2020

I’ve been “social distancing” with my cousin for years. (He’s a dick.)

Just to be safe I’m staying 6 feet 2 inches away from everyone.

February 2020

Stocking up on plastic straws for the future, where I’m certain they’ll be used as currency.

Just overheard a guy saying he used to think the lyrics to the Bee Gees song "More Than A Woman" were actually "bald headed woman” and I will never hear the song the same again.

I have like 50 Shutterfly accounts but I still can't log into any of them

Every once in a while I like to take a little break from running updates on my Xbox One to play a quick video game.

January 2020

An escape room, but instead of trying to escape you just sit around with your friends talking and listening to music.

If a tree falls in the forest, I hope it lands on Donald Trump.

“I’m in love with dish sponges and I don’t care who knows!”
-My cat, apparently

I don’t think I’ve wanted anything in life more that Kaiser wants me to f***ing thrive.

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