Sunday, February 16, 2020

Ballin' out of control

Although I am not a basketball fan, I am not not a fan of basketball. What I mean is that while I don't follow the sport, I do enjoy watching the occasional game (unless it's my son playing–then I'm just on my phone). Just kidding people settle down! This preamble is just a convoluted way to introduce a couple of awesome dunks from yesterday's 2020 NBA Slam Dunk Contest. Enjoy.





And here's one from a few years back that is just insane.

Saturday, February 15, 2020

At least we have Spades

I have been playing Spades Plus again on my iPhone and it’s just as fun/horrible as I remember. I enjoy the game, but the app is kind of a dumpster fire when it comes to interacting with other people.

In the game you can give other players virtual “drinks” as a nice gesture. The other day I (under the username Pigbutt McGee) bought a guy a "beer." Rather than thanking me (or just not replying at all), he asked for a Sprite.

Now, I understand that there are recovering alcoholics out there who may not like an image of a beer on their screen. But there are a few important things to point out here. First off, Sprite is not even an option available in the game. Secondly, he could have easily replaced the "beer" himself with an icon of a water bottle or coffee. And lastly, and I can't stress this enough, the beer is not real.

So I came back with this reply:


Then I felt a little bad for being so sarcastic in case he had a real drinking problem, so I decided to play along.


And then, things got weird.


At this point I decided to lean in to his delusion, so he doesn't track me down and try to murder me.


Fun times!

Saturday, February 08, 2020

Oscars monologue jokes by Ryan Danger Sims

I wrote some monologue jokes for the E! Live From the Red Carpet Oscars pre show this year, but the segment featuring monologue jokes got cut last minute (which is a very Hollywood thing to happen during a Hollywood event). Aaaaanyway, here are my jokes for your personal enjoytainment™!




Robert De Niro, Al Pacino and Joe Pesci were great in ​The Irishman​. It did so well, Netflix is making a sequel. It’s gonna be called ​The Italian​ starring Colin Farrell, Liam Neeson and Chris O’Dowd.



The movies this year were intense. We watched a maniacal villain go berserk, we cried over lost love, and witnessed some truly epic battle scenes. And that was just ​Toy Story 4​.



1917​ is about WWI. ​Jojo Rabbit​ is about WWII. ​Once Upon a Time in Hollywood​ is about to start a civil war between fans over who is the hottest leading man.



The Joker​ has been nominated for Best Makeup. Maybe for the beginning of the movie. In the second half the makeup department went WAY overboard in my opinion.



In addition to being nominated for 6 Oscars tonight, ​Marriage Story​ has been voted “worst movie to watch on your honeymoon.”



Avengers: Endgame​ is up for Best Visual Effects. It’s hard to pick which effects were the best given the fact that 99% of the movie is digital effects.



Adam Sandler joked that he’d make a terrible movie on purpose if he doesn’t win an Oscar. We love Adam, but future Academy voters please take note: nobody wants the creator of ​Grown Ups 2​ to actually TRY to make a bad movie.



Although ​Jojo Rabbit​ sounds like a kid’s movie, don’t plan a kindergarten viewing party or you may get accused of being “irresponsible” by another parent even though he dropped his kid off at the party and left to go vape in his car I’M TALKING TO YOU JEFF

Wednesday, January 29, 2020

Well traveled

I don't like to brag, but...

Monday, January 27, 2020

Drippin' with electrolytes

I was explaining the tradition of dumping Gatorade on a coach's head after a big win to my son and found this delightful video. Enjoy!

Sunday, January 26, 2020

Super Bowl LIV Party Game

Super Bowl LIV is one week away and you know what that means. Time for some crazy prop bets! As a special bonus, this year I made a printout that you can print outGive everyone a copy at the beginning of your Super Bowl party and have a contest to see who gets the most right!



NATIONAL ANTHEM

How Long Will It Take Demi Lovato to Sing the National Anthem?
(From moment she sings first word until she completes saying "brave" for the first time.)
Over 2 Minutes -220
Under 2 Minutes +155

Will Demi Lovato’s Hair Color Be Completely Black?
Yes -190
No +145

COMMERCIALS

Which Commercial Will Appear First? - Audi or Porsche
Audi -125
Porsche -115

Which Commercial Will Appear First? - Coca-Cola or SodaStream (PepsiCo)
Coca-Cola EVEN
SodaStream (PepsiCo) -140

Which Commercial Will Appear First? - Mountain Dew or Toyota
Mountain Dew -120
Toyota -120

Which Commercial Will Appear First? - Pop-Tarts or Doritos
Pop-Tarts +110
Doritos -150

THE GAME

What Will Happen First in the Game?
Sack -120
Touchdown -120

Will a Kicker Hit the Goalpost on a Missed Field Goal or Extra Point Attempt?
Yes +350
No -600

Will Either Team Attempt a 2-PT Conversion?
Yes -135
No -105

Will a Fan Run Onto the Field During the Game?
Yes +700
No -1600

HALFTIME SHOW

How Many Wardrobe Changes for Jennifer Lopez?
0 To 2 Times +110
More Than 2 Times -150

How Many Times Will Alex Rodriguez Be Shown During the Halftime Show?
(Live pictures only.)
0 Times -330
1 Or More +215

Will DJ Khaled Make an Appearance During the Halftime Show?
Yes +170
No -250

Will Shakira and Jennifer Lopez Twerk During the Halftime Show?
(Both Must Twerk for Yes to be graded the winner. Twerk is defined as a dance move involving thrusting hip movements and a low, squatting stance.)
Yes +190
No -290

END OF GAME

What Color Will the Liquid Be That Is Poured on the Game Winning Coach?
Lime/Green/Yellow +320
Orange +450
Red +145
Clear/Water +335
Blue +450
Purple +1400

Who Will the Super Bowl MVP Mention First in His Speech?
Teammates +150
God +210
City +800
Coach +450
Owner +1400
Family Or Family Members +550
Does Not Mention Any Of The Above +500

All wagers are actual bets being offered by Bovada online casino as of 01/26/2020.

Thursday, January 16, 2020

Legendary

Irishman Shay Bradley made a recording of himself and requested that it be played at his funeral.

Tuesday, January 14, 2020

I gave it a shot