Sunday, March 14, 2021

The results are in

I just took a DNA test and while it turns out that I am not, in fact, "100% that bitch," I did find that a good number of my distant relatives were seafaring, horned-helmet and/or flannel skirt wearing badasses, which is kinda cool.

By the looks of my results it looks like I'm about 1/3 English, 1/3 German and 1/3 Celtic/Viking.



After looking into my ancestry, I am left with two major takeaways:

1. Scotland's national animal is a unicorn (this is true, look it up).

2. My warrior ancestors would be extremely proud to know that all the toil and suffering they endured has resulted in at least one of their surviving progeny devoting his life to writing comedy.

Sunday, February 28, 2021

Writer inspiration

The Infinite Monkey Theorem is a proposition that an unlimited number of monkeys, given typewriters and sufficient time, will eventually produce the complete works of Shakespeare. This derisive concept is pretty depressing to think about if you are a writer. Fortunately it turns out that it's total bullshit.

In 2003, lecturers and students with the University of Plymouth’s Institute of Digital Arts and Technology (i-DAT) got a grant to place a single computer and keyboard in the macaques enclosure at the Paignton Zoo.

After a month with the computer, the macaques had produced five pages of nonsense text, but otherwise seemed to limit their screen time to urinating and/or defecating on the computer until such time as it stopped working.

In conclusion:

🐒 + ⌨️ = 💩

Monday, January 18, 2021

I made another friend on Skype!

I keep getting messages over Skype from people trying to scam me in some way or another. I like to flip the script on them and see what happens. Here's my latest interaction. It's long, but I promise it's worth a read.

Thursday, December 31, 2020

Happy Not 2020 Anymore!

As Norwegian playwright, theatre director, and person generaly recognized as the "father of realism" once (kind of) said, "A Bitmoji is worth a thousand words."

Speaking of Henrik Johan Ibsen. Check this dude out. There are at least 1,000 words that could describe his sideburns alone.

Tuesday, November 10, 2020

Low wattage

If you want to know what it's like being a Chargers fan, this 39 second video says it all. Click the bolt below to watch. (The audio quality is terrible so make sure to turn your sound all the way up.)

 
I tried to embed this video into my blog, but the NFL claimed copyright infringement. Which is crazy because that means that YouTube recognized this video after I recorded it in my own home by holding up my iPhone to my TV. I then edited the clip (cropped, clipped, and adjusted for perspective) and uploaded it to YouTube. Within less than a minute, it was flagged as a copy. WHAT IS HAPPENING

Tuesday, October 13, 2020

One (Putter)ball to rule them all

 
Ladies and gentlemen, theys and thems, allow me to introduce you to the next big backyard game craze:


It's Putterball y'all! A cross between beer pong and mini golf, Putterball is the ultimate party game. And no, I am not getting paid for this endorsement. I just want to share about it because it's super duper fun. That's right, I added a duper to my super. That's how fun this game is.

 
Putterball can be played inside, outside, at the beach, at the park, on a boat, with a goat – the sky's the limit! My friend and future Putterball pro Shawn Pavlik and I came up with some alternate rules to make the game even mo' better. Here are the ones we came up with so far. I'll add more as we go!

Blind (eyes closed)

Backwards (putt from the other side of the green)

Distraction (distract your opponent as much as possible)

Windmill (swing your club back and forth in front of your hole like the windmill in mini-golf)

Icing the Putter (once per game a player may yell "Ice!" in their opponents back swing, which cancels their opponents shot and ends their turn)

Shoulder Shot (looks like a chip shot but must be fluid movement that ends with putting)

U-Call (call your shot and if you make it you cover two holes, if you miss you take away a cover)

Petty (if you don't make it to the last section of the green your opponent can putt from one section up next time)

Double Corner (shoot from a corner behind the logo and if you make it your opponent covers two of your holes)

Billiards (get on the ground and shoot the ball with the back of your club like it's a pool cue)

Tweener (putt from between your legs, grandma shot style)

Logo Bonus (if you land your ball on the ‘PutterBall’ logo you immediately get an extra shot)

One Handed (either hand)

Upside-down Club (basically impossible)

Dizzy Spinner (place your forehead on the top of your club and spin around 3 times, then run to the green and putt your ball)

Tee Off (putt your ball from the top of two hole covers stacked on top of one another)

Reverse Putter (putt with the club facing the wrong way)

Shot Putt (place one or more shot glasses/beers in the middle of the green and if someone hits it they have to drink)

Countdown (place a nickel, dime, or quarter on the green and if a player rolls over it and makes the shot, the opponent counts out each cent the coin is worth while the player drinks)

Also remember that you can put a towel or other objects beneath the green to change the terrain in order to make it more challenging.

Have fun!

Thursday, September 10, 2020

Beer to the rescue!

This article's from a couple weeks back, but the world's still on fire so I figure it's still relevant. Stock up on cheap beer people!

Man Uses Bud Light to Help Save His Home from California Wildfire: 'I Didn't Have Any Water'
People Magazine (article excerpt) - August 26, 2020

A man was able to help save his home from one of the many wildfires raging across California thanks to some quick thinking and a case of Bud Light.

Chad Little and his family were preparing to evacuate from their Vacaville residence last Wednesday when he decided to use his drink of choice as a last-ditch attempt to stop the LNU Lightning Complex Fire from destroying his property, KCRA reported.

Little — who had lost his home in an attic fire five years ago and is in the process of rebuilding it again — told the outlet he initially tried using water from a hose, but realized that his utilities had been shut off when the surrounding flames quickly approached his workshop.

“I didn’t have any water,” he recalled. “I had one barrel with a little bit of water in it and I tried using that, but it didn’t work."

That's when Little said he reached for the only other liquid he had left: a 30-pack of Bud Light.

Using a nail he had found to puncture the cans, Little said he began "shaking it up, popping it and spraying them, throwing them down and grabbing another one" to help dose the fire. 

Eventually, firefighters arrived on scene and [were] able to put out the blaze.

Saturday, August 15, 2020

The Great TikTok Pub Quiz #2!

If you liked the first one, you're gonna' love the sequel! It's a another big download (353 MB), but it's worth every bit of those bytes. Again, all you need to do is familiarize yourself with the presentation and have everyone who's playing print a copy of the answer sheet to play along.

Click the image below to download the PowerPoint deck!


I shouldn't have to say this, but it's 2020 and the president is trying to ban TikTok so here goes: rest assured that all TikTok videos in this PowerPoint were downloaded to my secure MacBook before independently being incorporated into the game with no links back to TikTok. This download will not compromise your personal data or privacy in any way.