Friday, December 08, 2017

You gotta fight, for your right, to parrrtay!

Pretty sure this is what old Jimbo Maddison was envisioning when he authored the First Amendment.

Sunday, December 03, 2017

OCD #1

Here's a peek into my OCD brain:

"This is a nice party. I love catered food! I'm going to get some chips and salsa. I love chips and salsa.

Huh. Okay so instead of picking up chips with our hands, we are using tongs. Except that when people are done with the tongs, the tongs go back into the chip container. Now the chip tongs, which contain the collective germs of every person who has served themselves chips, are sitting in the chips.

Also, after serving myself chips with the tongs, I will have transferred the germs of everyone at this event onto my hands, which I will then use to eat the chips.

HOW IS THIS AN EFFECTIVE SYSTEM? We’d be better off just scooping the chips up with our hands!"

Living in my head is kind of exhausting.

Monday, November 20, 2017

I cracked the code

I figured out a way to bring alcohol on an airplane that is legal and condoned by the TSA! According to TSA regulations, it is permissible for each traveler to bring one quart sized, clear plastic, zip-top bag full of mini liquor bottles in their carry-on luggage. By my calculations this means anywhere from 8 to 10 bottles per person, depending on what you're drinking.

I tried this myself recently and it worked like a charm. A cheap, drunken charm. I should note that it's technically illegal to drink the alcohol while on the plane, but if you want to drop a few rum shots into your free Coke, that's your business.

Tuesday, November 07, 2017

Ding dong

The Ring doorbell app works great!

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Behind the hard candy shell

Can we talk about that Eminem diss video? And by "talk" I mean I rant and you read?

Everyone's focusing on Eminem's political message, but I have a couple other things I'd like to bring up.

1. Did he go to mime school? This is not an insult, his skills are genuinely impressive. Check the 3:00 mark where he gives a nod to the classic "trying to escape a glass box" routine!

2. Where did all those guys in the background come from? Is there like a "tough dudes who lean on cars" Meetup group? What's the interview process like? How are the retirement benefits?

Saturday, October 07, 2017

Just a lonely, lonely hen

Friday, October 06, 2017

Getting ready for Halloween

I found a great Trump costume, just in time for Halloween. Click here to check it out!

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

No respect

This is the baby scale at my children's pediatrician's office:

This is a closeup of the sticker on the side of the scale:

The only explanation I can come up with is that the person who designed this sticker had never seen a baby before and, being a huge fan of Rodney Dangerfield, decided to draw an approximation of what Rodney would look like as a miniature person. If this was the goal, mission accomplished.