Thursday, January 26, 2023

Possibly the Single Most Important Event of the 21st Century: The Gala (Room Email #8)

Hello everyone!

If you've been paying attention to my emails you'll have realized by now that, just like a spoiled college kid calling his parents after spending all his book money on a beer pong table, I only reach out when I need money. Fortunately this time it isn't too much. 

Our teachers would like to attend our school's annual fundraising the dinner, The Gala, and we are going to try and flip the bill for their tickets using our classroom fund. I have been assured that all proceeds will go to our school, but if anyone sees our principle roll up in a new Tesla after The Gala I promise to stage a formal inquiry. Please contribute if you can. Continue reading for a first hand account of my experience at last year's The Gala!

My wife and I attended The Gala for the first time last year and it was quite the ordeal. Allow me to begin at the beginning.

Early in the day I saw a bouquet of flowers for sale at the local supermarket. My daughter shares her name with this particular flower, so I thought it would be a sweet gift. Fast forward to the night of The Gala. Our babysitter arrived and noticed that our cat had been helping himself to the bouquet, nibbling little pieces off at his leisure. We didn’t think anything of it because, to be honest our cat is kind of an a-hole and does whatever he can to destroy our home on the regular. Our babysitter, however, seemed very concerned and informed us that, “gato comiendo estas floras no es bueno” which was weird because she is a white girl with no Hispanic heritage or discernible accent.* Nevertheless, I ran it through a translator app and found that she was trying to tell us that “cat + eating these flowers = bad.”  This is true whether you use the old-school math we learned in the ‘90s, or the “solve it using 127 different methods that your parents have never heard of” way our wonderful team of teachers are currently instructing our young’uns to employ.

*Okay fine, I admit the Spanish part didn’t happen, but that’s how I remember it in my head.

Once we heard the news, I went straight to the World Wide Web™ to find out what to do. Well, you know how when you have a cramp and the internet is like “it could be that you need to stretch, or it could be that you need to amputate your leg” and you just sit there doom-scrolling, regretting that you even looked up the information? This was not that thing. For the first time in human history the entire internet came together to offer one unanimous opinion, and that opinion was that our cat was about to kick the bucket.

My wife and I were very concerned and rushed to the nearest pet hospital. The theme of last year’s The Gala (yes, I am calling it "The Gala" every time because I get paid by the word) was "Roaring '20s," so I was sporting suspenders and a pageboy hat, while my wife had on a flapper dress complete with feathers sticking up out of her tiara. Honestly how did people own cats in the ‘20s? Women were literally dressed as walking cat toys!

We eventually arrived to The Gala, late and stressed out. During the party I received no less than six phone calls updating me on our cat’s status. As a result, I spent most of my time standing on a dark golf course dodging sprinklers while authorizing more and more treatments for our cat. Prices soared, with the bill eventually totaling close to $1,500 American dollars. Now many of you might be thinking, “why would anyone spend that much on a cat so dumb that he eats poison for fun?” To that I would say, “fair point.” I even touched on this while on the phone with the vet. When she (that’s right SHE—if you were assuming that the doctor was male the whole time you need to take a good hard look at yourself), informed me how much it was going to cost I replied that we paid $100 to adopt the cat and then asked, “so you’re telling me that it’s going to cost 15 entire new cats to fix this one used cat?” She was not amused.

Ultimately I ponied up the scratch (haha, animal expressions!) because I couldn’t let our cat die from eating a flower that shares its name with my daughter. That kind of trauma was considered A-OK for ‘80s parents, but in today’s woke culture it would be highkey weak no cap fam okurrr? Plus, I’d undoubtably end up having to pay more than $1,500 in therapy bills for my daughter to lie on a couch talking about how her dad is a callous cat-hating cheapskate. So, long story long I broke down and paid for the cat to live and eat poison another day.

The moral of the story is that you should come to The Gala because you will almost definitely have a better time than I did last year. Hope to see you there!


Ryan, member of Team McGregillyims and owner of a 
$1,600 cat

P.S. What's a book's favorite color? Tune in next time for the answer!

Wednesday, December 21, 2022

Gifts (Room Email #7)

Hello everyone!

It's Ryan from Team McGregillyims. I'm forwarding a message from Sarah (the "illy" of Team McGregillyims).

Thanks everyone for pitching in! And the few that gave the last few days! Here is what we bought:

Gift cards to Nordstrom’s 
Anthropology throw blanket 
Stanley 40oz water cups

Gift cards to Nordstrom’s
Stanley 40oz water cups

Thanks again and have a Merry Christmas and a great break!

Hi it's Ryan again. Looks like we got them everything but the Olde English 800 to put in those 40oz "water" cups!


Happy holidays and hope to see you at the class cookie party tomorrow!

I'm pretty sure that I'm the first room mom to include a reference to OE in a classroom email. So I've got that going for me . . . which is nice.

Thursday, December 15, 2022

Holiday Party Sign Ups–and lots of random memes! (Room Email #6)

Hello families,

Tis' the season to kick in for some sweet holiday treats to spoil our awesome teachers and classroom aides. If you have already contributed, thank you! If you have not, here's your chance to make things right before Santa comes to knock down your door and drop a fat chunk of coal in your sock drawer, ya filthy animal.

Or, as Sarah more diplomatically puts it:

"As we are wrapping up 2022 before leaving for break we would like to give each of our teachers and classroom aids a holiday gift from the classroom. This is totally optional, but if you would like to contribute you can Venmo me. Thank you so much for those that have already given. We will make sure to note that the gift is from the entire class and deliver it to them on either Wednesday or Thursday of next week so the students can see what the families got them. Feel free to do something on your own if you would like."

We have a real good cop, bad cop situation going on here in our room mom circle and I am here for it.

Angela, who is also a good cop, has created a sign-up sheet for parents to volunteer in class on the last day before winter break. All parents except one (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE)* are invited to come celebrate with the class!

*This is a joke. Unless you immediately thought I was talking about you, in which case you may be the problem. Nevertheless, you are invited.

One more thing! We are doing a Secret Santa gift exchange this year where each parent has been assigned one other parent to buy a lavish gift for.

Your person has been randomly selected and will appear in the box that follows this sentence: [Ryan Sims]  Whoever you got, make sure you really spoil them this year!

I look forward to seeing you at the celebration!

Happy Holidays,

Ryan of Team McGregillyims

Tuesday, December 06, 2022

These Colors Run (Room Email #5)

Hello room peoples,

I have been asked to remind everyone that the Color Run is tomorrow! I didn't know anything about it but I assumed that it involves dipping kids in vats of paint and chasing them around until they find a pot of gold-covered chocolate coins at the end of a digitally projected rainbow hologram beamed directly above a glitter covered finish line, triggering a live band playing Händel's Messiah (The Hallelujah Chorus) at an earsplitting volume, simultaneously blowing out all of the windows in the school.

Then I read the attached flyer and it turns out I missed a couple of small details.

Also, if you would have approached me during my undergrad while partying in Isla Vista and told me that in the future I would be a room mom tasked with forwarding URGENT Bingo information to a group of parents I would have done a Natty Ice spit-take and told you you were crazy. Nevertheless, here we are. Attached is the info I was implored to forward along "ASAP."

Sunday, December 04, 2022

Room Announcements–Now with Holiday Colors! (Room Email #4)

Hello room families,

(No joke this time as my daughter is in school and I feel it may be slightly inappropriate to call in during class to ask her to come up with a joke for this email.)

It's been a minute but I'm back, baby! I have been instructed by the room parent overlords to alert you to a few things. I copied and pasted the items below like a true computer wiz. I also added inane comments after each one in an attempt to "make it my own Dawg" as the late* great Randy Jackson would say. (*He's not dead, he just seems like the kind of dude who is late to stuff.)

1. Please remind classrooms about the Color Run next Wednesday and send out attached flyer! 
Hey everyone! The Color Run is next Wednesday. Please see the attached flier!

2. Our next PTA meeting is this week. Just a friendly reminder that room parents are supposed to attend all PTA meetings.
Spoiler alert: I am not attending the meeting. In my defense I HAVE A JOB so everyone back off, please and thank you.

3. Our local police will be having a special presentation on Surviving Gum Violence at the Auditorium on Thursday.
Gun violence is terrible and terrifying. Gum violence, however, sounds downright intriguing. I'm assuming this was a typo in the line I copied and pasted, but you might want to go to the event and check it out just in case.

4. The Ugly Sweater Bingo fundraiser is coming up soon! Bingo cards will be available for sale before and after school beginning this Friday. 
Every year I walk by the table out front and do the best to act like I don't see the good people there begging for my money, and every year I end up getting suckered into buying some of those freaking Bingo cards. This year will be no exception.

5. [redacted celebrity name's] kid now attends our school and I ran into him in the crosswalk the other day. He's out of rehab and looking great!
Okay I added this last one, but it's true and now it's only a matter of time before we become besties and I appear with him in his next feature film so be on the lookout everybody!



Wednesday, November 09, 2022

Free hot chocolate!

Hello and happy merry whatever you celebrate! I want to share something that I recently heard from my children, which I immediately dismissed as BS, until I was harangued into sitting in an In-N-Out drive-thru line, only to discover that my kids were actually telling the truth, prompting a well deserved "I told you so."

Wednesday, October 19, 2022

Updates (Room Email #3)

Q:  Why did the cow cross the road?
A:  To get to the udder side

Hello room families!

As many of you know, I was out with COVID for a while and Sarah stepped in to author the emails. She had pictures, she included fancy links, and wrote in not one, not two, but SIX different colors. I think she's coming for my job.
Well two can play at that gameSarah! 🕶🗿💾📯
Annnnnnywho, I'm back and ready to roll. 
A big thank you (see what I did there?) to everyone who donated and for those of you who signed up to work the booth!

Wednesday, September 21, 2022

We're Baaaaackk (Room Email #2)

I got a lot of positive responses to my last room parent email, so I thought I'd post them here from now on. Hope you enjoy, and if you don't please don't' let me know!
Q: What do you call a fly with no wings?
A: A walk.


I promise to keep this one short and sweet(ish). I even put the topics in a numbered list to be real organized-like!

1. Thank you for those of you who donated to our room fund. Unfortunately, we have only received a few donations thus far. In an effort to fix this, we have decided to release one name per week of those who have not yet contributed. We are calling this the "Name of Shame Challenge" and I think it's going to be real popular! JUST KIDDING. Please donate what you can as it all goes to a good cause! You can Venmo, or pretend you're a housewife in the 1970's and bring a handwritten check to the classroom.

2. We need two volunteers to help out with Science Lab. Please let us know if you are able to help. You will need to provide a negative TB test to be a helper on campus, so please sort that mess out beforehand. I know Val Kilmer made tuberculosis look super cool in Tombstone, but in real life it is a big no no. You can get tested at your local CVS and it's covered by most insurance providers. I can also stab you in the arm with a thumbtack for $10 while saying "I'm your huckleberry," but I'm not sure the front office will accept my paperwork.

3. We are still looking for volunteers for our awesome PLINKO booth! Sign up! Just do it! All your friends are doing it. The first sign up is free! Don't think about it just sign it!



P.S. Why did the cow cross the road? Tune in next time for the answer!