Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Putting Songs on Blast! #9

SONG: Thinking Out Loud (yes, I'm putting this song on blast again)
ARTIST: Ed Sheeran
LYRIC: "People fall in love in mysterious ways."

People fall in love by meeting through friends, going to bars, and finding each other on dating sites. I didn't know why Sheeran was so mystified as to how people fall in love until I read an interview of his dad talking about how he met the love of his life. Here's an excerpt:

"Well, it's a funny story. Back in '65 I was abducted by aliens. After they finished probing me and such, they dumped me naked in a field. Wouldn't you know it, Imogen was milking some animals at a farm nearby and saw me fall from the spaceship. I'll tell you what, when she strolled over and poked me with a stick to see if I was alive, I knew I'd met the one.

"Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars."

That's pretty specific, Ed. How are you going to be sure there are exactly 1,000 stars overhead? Do you have a "star counter" in your entourage?

Also, you'd think he'd be a little more cautious about being outside at night, given his family history of alien abduction.

SONG: Post To Be
ARTIST: Omarion (feat. Jhene Aiko and Chris Brown)
LYRIC: "He gotta eat the booty like groceries . . . if he wants me to expose the freak."

Let me get this straight, a guy has to eat your ass and then you'll "expose the freak?" WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU EXPOSE THE FREAK?!

Friday, September 18, 2015

Orange is the new lemon

I don't know who's up for the next Nobel Prize, but my money's on Keith Villa. According to this Blue Moon commercial he's the one who invented putting an orange in beer.

In the beginning God created the orange. Then, later, Keith Villa was like "put it in a beer."

Leonardo da Vinci, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Edison and now, Keith Villa. I'm surprised they don't print his phone number on every bottle so that people can call him and personally thank him for his contribution.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Karate party!

Check out this Evite theme for kids parties:

The part before the destroyed house/multiple injuries/parent lawsuits would be awesome!!!

Friday, September 11, 2015

A boy named Bullsmack

I'm playing a game where you design a fallout shelter, run the fallout shelter and create names of people born in your fallout shelter. It's called Fallout Shelter!

I really think I have a knack for this naming thing. Contact me if you're expecting a baby and would like a consultation!

MAJOR UPDATE (9/18/15): Happy to report that Croptop Flipflop, Beer Bong, and Tip Penis have joined the fallout shelter!

Tuesday, September 08, 2015

To mock a mockingbird

The front cover of the new book Just Mercy features a review claiming it’s superior to a classic work of literature.

I came up with some "quotes" that publishers can use to promote upcoming books. That's right, I put the word "quotes" in quotes. Twice!

"This book makes Moby-Dick look like a raging dumpster fire."

"This book makes A Tale of Two Cities look like A Tale of One Cul-de-sac."

"This book makes Fahrenheit 451 look like Fahrenheit 60 with a Chance of Rain."

"This book makes One Hundred Years of Solitude look like One Hundred Years of Stupid Bullshit."

"This book makes Tom Jones look like Tom Jones (the singer)."

Wednesday, September 02, 2015

My new business cards (they fancy)



Tuesday, September 01, 2015

My autobiography (short version)

Everything you need to know about me is in my Evite bio.