Wednesday, December 31, 2014

New Year's resolutions

1. Reach ideal BMI by losing weight, or growing a couple of inches.

7. Mature enough that I don't smile every time I hear someone talking about the "ball drop" in Times Square (or when typing "growing a couple of inches," for that matter).

4. Look up the definition of the word "fleek" and use it in a sentence in order to appear "hip."

8. Learn how numbers work.

Saturday, December 27, 2014

25 Maps That Describe America

Mental Floss recently published a series of maps that highlight various regional differences within the US. Click here to see them all.





Monday, December 22, 2014

Thurl Ravenscroft was gr-r-reat!

Did you know that the guy who sung, “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” was also the voice of Tony the Tiger in those Frosted Flakes commercials?

Thurl Ravenscroft, in addition to having an awesome name, voiced characters in a bunch of classic Disney movies and can be heard on rides all around Disneyland. He passed away in 2005, but his voice lives on as the lead vocalist of the singing busts in the Haunted Mansion, as well as in the background of The Pirates of the Caribbean, and a few other rides. He also voiced Buff the bison head in the (now closed, but never forgotten) Country Bear Jamboree. What a cool job!

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Original jokes!

I've decided that there's no way I can keep posting my tweets in the format I was using before. I know, I know, the posts looked so great! The problem is that it was WAY too time consuming to create those images and the posts were taking up too much of my blog feed. 

You can now view all my Twitter jokes on one page by clicking the "one liners" link on the left of this blog. It's a great way to read my material without having to sift through all the annoying stuff on Twitter like "at conversations," "hashtag games," and "other people's jokes."

I'll update it frequently so check back for new stuff. Hope you enjoy!

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Starbucks baristas

What they say:
Would you like room in your coffee?

What they mean:
Pick from the following two options.

A. I'll leave two inches of space in your cup, effectively giving you a smaller coffee for the price of a larger one.

B. I'll fill your cup so full that it will spill through the lid, scalding your hands and staining your clothing.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

An abominable occupation

There are some pretty weird app titles in the Google Play store, but this one may take the cake.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

What went wrong?

South Dakota pulls driving campaign over innuendo
Associated Press - December 12, 2014

South Dakota officials have canceled a public safety campaign to raise awareness about the dangers of jerking the steering wheel on icy roads, saying it's too risque.

The Department of Public Safety has pulled the "Don't Jerk and Drive" ads, which played on the double-meaning of the word "jerk." Highway Safety Director Lee Axdahl told the Argus Leader earlier this week that the double meaning was intentional, to grab people's attention.

He says the message is that the department would prefer drivers keep their cars out of the ditch and their mind out of the gutter.

But his boss, Public Safety Director Trevor Jones, says he's pulling the social media and television ads. He says he doesn't want innuendo to distract from the goal of saving lives on the road.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

BREAKING NEWS: These videos are funny

These super short YouTube clips get me every time.

Watch the guy on the left.

This poor bastard. . . .

My favorite of the three. I love this guy’s Burgundy-esque devotion to the teleprompter.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

22 to go

And I mean never.

23 to go

I just realized that if I publish 23 more blog posts this month I will have beat my own record for "number of posts in a year." There is virtually no way this is going to happen, as I do not have time to post every day for the next three weeks. I just thought everyone might like to know that I am close to the goal.

Please do not think that the purpose of this post is to provide "filler" in order to get closer to my goal. I would never do that.

Monday, December 08, 2014

Awareness ribbon awareness

We all know that being aware of a problem is tantamount to solving it. It is also a known fact that displaying an awareness ribbon for a cause is the best way to show that you care enough about that cause to display an awareness ribbon for it. The problem arises when you care about lots of different causes. How do you choose which ribbon to display?

For example, what if you want people to be aware of keeping kids off drugs, while simultaneously raising awareness for disabled Coast Guard veterans with high blood pressure? That’s where my ribbon comes in. My “total awareness” ribbon covers every cause from A to Z (Alligator Attack Victims to Zumba Injury Sufferers). It’s the one ribbon to rule them all.

If you're like me, you're probably thinking that this ribbon is one of the ugliest pieces of shit you've ever seen. What can I say? All the other designs were taken.

Bonus true story: His Holiness the Dalai Lama, in his search for total awareness, had fastened so many ribbons to his robe that he could no longer walk. After purchasing one of my ribbons (for a modest fifty bucks), he was able to toss all his other ribbons in a landfill and get back to his job of llama farming (or whatever that guy does for a living). Talk about a success story!

Saturday, December 06, 2014

FYI: This thing exists

Goblin Shark

Thursday, December 04, 2014

A for effort

These funny answers to test questions have been floating around the Internet for a while now. Here are some of my favorites.

Wednesday, December 03, 2014

Life imitates art

Cat survives trip in moving box from Va. to Hawaii
Associated Press (article excerpt) - December 3, 2014

A cat has used up at least one of its nine lives after surviving a monthlong trip in a moving box with no food or water.

Ashley Barth tells WAVY-TV her cat Mee Moowe disappeared in September as movers packed her family's belongings for a move from Suffolk, Virginia, to Hawaii.

Thirty-six days later, the boxes arrived in Hawaii. Barth says she heard a faint "meow" as the boxes were unloaded. Mee Moowe was in one of the boxes.

State veterinarian offices in Virginia and Hawaii told WAVY it's unlikely a cat could survive 36 days without food or water, but not impossible.

Monday, December 01, 2014


Last week I was really sick. In the middle of the night I woke up and wrote what I thought was a brilliant idea for a blog post.

While it is pretty much impossible to read, I can make out a couple of key points:

1. It is essential to "realize not everyone alibzle."

2. Also, "ntulbtry" is very important (it's underlined!).