Friday, June 26, 2015

My driver's license photos

I've been taking crazy driver's license photos since 1999. Here's my updated collection!

If you'd like to see what I look like in real life, click here.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Liam Neeson's resume

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Urban Death Project

A Kickstarter campaign called the Urban Death Project recently made almost $100,000. The name may sound like a supervillain's master plan, but don't worry. All they want to do is turn your loved ones into compost.

The Urban Death Project argues that there's too much waste and pollution involved in traditional burial services. With their process, bodies will be "laid to rest atop a three-story core containing material that facilitates decomposition, a lot like what happens on the forest floor."

I'm not sure how much they're going to charge for this service, but I plan on giving them a run for their money. For 50% of whatever they charge, I'll throw your loved one in the back of a truck and dump their body in a field. They don't even have to be dead.

Also, my composting services won't be limited to the hip "urban" dead. I'll take people from any location: the suburbs, trailer parks, dudes living on houseboats, whatever.

Don't settle for a decomposition that's "a lot like what happens on the forest floor" when your loved one can be left to rot on an actual forest floor! I won't use a coffin, cement plot, or "three-story core." My method is simple: your dearly beloved, lying dead in a ditch. You can't get any more "ecologically sustainable" than that.*

*Disclaimer: This is a joke. Please do not contact me about disposing of dead bodies.

Friday, June 19, 2015

The power of positive thinking

I know it's hard to make out, but the bumper sticker in this photo says:

It's not how DEEP YOU FISH

This guy is a testament to the power of positive thinking. He's not ashamed of his tiny worm dick. He's spreading the word all around town. Way to go, dude!

Monday, June 15, 2015

I saw this sign

Although well intentioned, this may be the least helpful sign in the world. It's posted on a beach, with no follow up signs or directions. It might as well just say "RUN!"

In order for this sign to be effective, the following criteria must be met:

1. Someone must happen to be standing within a few feet of the sign during a tsunami.
2. That person must be able to recognize that they're in the middle of a tsunami, but not understand that they're supposed to run away from the ocean.

That's a pretty slim demographic they're going for, but I guess if it saves even one life it'll have been worth it.

Friday, June 05, 2015

Happy Doughnut Day

Here's a photo I took of the most strategically placed Krispy Kreme doughnut shop EVER.

Thursday, June 04, 2015

Putting Songs on Blast #7

SONG: Hey Mama
ARTIST: David Guetta (feat. Nicki Minaj, Afrojack and Bebe Rexha)
LYRIC: "Yes I'll do the cooking, yes I'll do the cleaning. Plus I keep the na-na real sweet, for your eating. Yes you be the boss and yes I be respecting, whatever that you tell me, cause it's game you be spitting."

There has been some debate over weather or not Nicki Minaj is a feminist. I think we can stop talking about that now.

SONG: The Man
ARTIST: Aloe Blacc
LYRIC: "Girl you can tell everybody. Yeah you can tell everybody. Go ahead and tell everybody. I'm the man, I'm the man, I'm the man."

I'm surprised Aloe Blacc didn't get sued by Elton John for ripping off "Your Song." It's basically the same melody, but instead of saying "you can tell everybody that this is your song," he sings "you can tell everybody that I'm the man, I'm the man, I'm the man." If being "the man" means being an egomaniacal hack then Aloe Blacc is definitely the man.

Fun fact: Aloe Blacc's real name is Egbert Nathaniel Dawkins III. So you can tell everybody. Yeah you can tell everybody. Go ahead and tell everybody. Egbert Nathaniel Dawkins III is the man.

SONG: Fancy
ARTIST: Iggy Azalea
LYRIC: All of them, but I'll focus on just a few.

"I'm so fancy. You already know."
I'm just as fancy as Iggy Azalea, it's just that people don't already know.

"I'm in the fast lane, from LA to Tokyo."
I looked it up and there is no road that connects LA to Tokyo. Check your facts, Azalea!

"Rooftop like we bringin' '88 back."
Azalea was born in 1990, which means if she's successfully brings '88 back she will have brought about a world in which there is no Iggy Azalea. I'd be okay with that.