Thursday, November 15, 2018

Lasagna wings and naked buildings

Comedian Keaton Patti forced a bot to watch over 1,000 hours of Olive Garden commercials and then asked it to write an Olive Garden commercial of its own. Then he did the same thing with stand-up comedy. Click each icon below to read the (one page) scripts. They are fantastic.

Tuesday, November 13, 2018

A beautiful thing

After hearing about Mac Miller's passing, I found his Tiny Desk Concert and I must have watched it at least ten times since then. So much joy and talent.

The songs from this performance aren't available to purchase, so I extracted them from YouTube, cut them into tracks and added album artwork for iTunes. I am making the tracks available for download here. I've never used ads on this site, so I'm not making any money on this. If anyone from his estate reaches out to me I will pull them immediately. I just want to share because, as Mac says, "music is a beautiful thing."

Download Track 1: Small Worlds

Download Track 2: What's The Use (w/Thundercat)

Download Track 3: 2009

Friday, October 05, 2018

The last straw

I have an issue with the children's cartoon Bubble Guppies. I realize that the laws of physics don't apply in cartoons, but the creators of this show have gone too far. There are things that mermaids merpeople simply cannot do.

Strike 1
The characters go swimming in a (underwater) pool.

Strike 2
The characters roast marshmallows over a (underwater) campfire.

Strike 3

You're out, Bubble Guppies!

Saturday, September 22, 2018

Game changer

Thursday, August 30, 2018

My daughter's first screenplay!

My 4-year-old daughter dictated a screenplay to me this morning and I typed it out. The cutest part is that when we finished, she kept asking if we could "watch it on TV." Your move, Scorsese!

Click above to view the full screenplay, complete with storyboard art!

Monday, August 20, 2018

This fence may outlast us all

Update: The fence is still (kind of) standing.

Sunday, August 12, 2018

Bad news

Are you tired of reading news articles about how bad everything has gotten? Here's a terrible top 10 list instead, just to switch it up!

I recently discovered this "Worst Celebrities of All Time" list, created by popular vote on


Friday, August 10, 2018

A dog's age

Do you know the old adage that says "one human year is equal to seven dog years?" Well, apparently that's bull dogshit. Here's the real deal.

Monday, August 06, 2018

A rat in the bathroom!

What do you do when a rat runs in from outside and gets trapped in your bathroom? A lot of yelping and jumping around, apparently.

Friday, August 03, 2018

Sick burn

The theme of this year’s Burning Man is artificial intelligence. To celebrate, scientist Janelle Shane of conducted an experiment.

Janelle fed a list of over 1,500 past Burning Man camp names to a neural network (a kind of machine learning algorithm). She then asked the network to create new camp names based on the data set.

Here are my favorite camp names, ranked from 1 to 10.

10. Lump Make Toast
9. Boo Down Whiskers
8. Disco Letheratary It Bang Busterf*ck
7. Camp Secret Buff
6. Princess SpaghetFly
5. The Mad Wall F*ckers
4. Flasher in Fur
3. Cohnie Stacefur Ass Chaos
2. Ho Bobbis Wang Mojo
1. Dirty Chris

Wednesday, August 01, 2018

Like a Boss D.J.

I called in to The Woody Show on ALT 98.7 yesterday to talk about "first world problems."

Tuesday, July 24, 2018

Another name by any other name would be a different name

Ever wonder what your name would be if you were born this year instead of the year that you were actually born? Me neither, but this thing is still fun.

Sunday, June 24, 2018

My baseball card collection

(Plus two football cards.)

I've been going through my old baseball card collection with my son and we've been having a blast. Although my collection isn't worth the millions of dollars I hoped it would be when I grew up, I am happy to say that it is worth over $300. Well done, 11-year-old Ryan Danger Sims. Well done.

Click on the image to see the full list of my cards.

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

This checks out!

(Click to enlarge.)

Friday, May 25, 2018

This is 40

Wednesday, May 16, 2018


in a good book.

If you're looking for something great to read, I highly recommend the Dublin Murder Squad series by Tana French. I stumbled upon the author by chance when looking for an easy beach read while on vacation. I was surprised to find an excellent author with a number of compelling stories under her belt. I ranked them in order with my favorites at the top.

Must Reads:

Should Read:

Read If You Have Spare Time:

Monday, May 07, 2018


I know everyone has seen this video. I am posting it anyway, because it is amazing.

Saturday, April 28, 2018

Fun with Twitter

Amazon wrote me about some headphones I ordered, but they attached the wrong photo. I made a joke about it on Twitter and they reached out to me. In the end they seemed much more concerned about my customer experience than my physical wellbeing.

Monday, April 23, 2018

Calm Down, Roberts

I already posted about this LA Times article on Twitter and Instagram, but I'ma rant about it here too as it really rankles my cankles™.

I've been listening to rap for a long time. Maybe not ever since honeys was wearin' Sassoon, but at least since Cube messed around and got a triple double. My point is that I am familiar with the genre. I've also read a buttload of classic literature. I'm not sure how many books, since I was too busy reading to learn math. Let's just say I've read somewhere between 1 and 5,000,000,000 books.

I have read a couple of Faulkner's novels and they were amazing. I have listened to a few of Kendrick Lamar's songs and they were okay. What in the actual frick is this Rand Rob dude talking about? There are so many African-American artists he could have compared to Faulkner, but Randy Robby chose the "Halle Berry, hallelujah. Holla back, I'll do ya" guy? WTF?


I have included two quotes below, one from Faulkner and one from Lamar. See if you can tell which one is which!

“Never be afraid to raise your voice for honesty and truth and compassion against injustice and lying and greed. If people all over the world . . . would do this, it would change the earth.”

"She eyeing me like a n*gga don't exist. Girl, I know you want this dick!"

Monday, April 09, 2018

Extreme back scratching

I've said it before and I've said it again, and I'll say it again . . . again: Australians are badass.

Man gets stabbed in pub fight then orders pint with knife stuck in his back
Metro News - April 2, 2018

A man who was involved in a pub fight didn’t let the knife sticking out of his back get in the way.

He went to order another pint from the bar before going to hospital.

The 27-year-old got into a scrap at Beerwah Hotel on Australia’s Sunshine Coast with another man, 20.

They were kicked out of the bar where the fight continued with the 27-year-old being stabbed.

Despite the knife still being lodged in his back he returned to the bar and ordered another beer.

Once he’d finished he went to Sunshine Coast University Hospital, according to the Sunshine Coast Daily.

A Queensland police spokesman said that there had been a ‘substantial’ amount of alcohol involved and that the two men knew one another.

The victim does not want to press charges.

Monday, April 02, 2018

It's that time of the year

The Ultimate Women’s Expo is back.

Aside from the problematic idea of a "women's" expo that consists primarily of cooking, makeovers and beauty treatments, this thing seems like something Stefon would describe in one of his waking nightmares.

“This expo's got everything: group tastings, monochromatic pop up shops, a middle-aged A.C. Slater. . . .”

Tuesday, March 27, 2018

My pilot is good. You should read it.

It's pilot season and I set up a fancy website to promote my writing. The site is called My Pilot is Good You Should Read It, and you can check out using the link below.

Thursday, March 15, 2018

Sending it!

Last weekend my friend Shawn invited me to Mammoth Mountain to shred the gnar, and get absolutely no sleep.

That's me on the left, Shawn in the middle, and Jeremy on the right.

I got a great shot of Shawn while taking a beer break at the top of the mountain. Click on it to see it in its full glory.

Perhaps the most exciting thing on the trip was when we got to take on an actual Super-G course. I usually board freestyle, but I have to admit it was a lot of fun hauling ass down the mountain. Check out my top speed!

Thursday, March 08, 2018

Have you seen this blog?!

Check out this retro-style graphic I made to advertise for my blog. I guess if you're reading this, you don't need to see the ad because you're already here. Oh well, too late now!

Monday, March 05, 2018

Cereal offenders

Apparently the bar has been set so low by modern breakfast cereal companies that the trend is to advertise what their products do not contain.

I made a few ad graphics that apply to almost every cereal in the US. Advertisers reading this may use these free of charge.

Sunday, February 11, 2018

I told you so, Diana!

I’ve been proselytizing the gospel of Guinness for as long as I can remember, but people still don’t believe the message. Check out this menu from Claim Jumper’s that shows the calories of the beers on tap. Guinness is a light beer people!

Tuesday, February 06, 2018

Smack talk

I don't pick fights online, but when someone lashes out at me, I give 'em the business.

Sunday, February 04, 2018

Super Bowl LII prop bets!

(Green bets favored to win.)

Will Pink wear a Philadelphia Eagles shirt or hat while singing the National Anthem?
Yes +170
No -250

Will Pink be airborne?

(Must be airborne from first note sang until she finishes saying "brave" for the first time.)
Yes +250
No -400

What color will Pink's hair be?
(Predominant color.)
White/Blonde -300
Pink/Red +500
Green +200
Blue/Purple +900
Brown/Black +900

Who will be shown first on TV during the singing of the National Anthem?
(From Pink singing first note until she finishes saying "brave" for the first time.)
Tom Brady -200
Nick Foles +150

Color of Bill Belichick's shirt at kickoff?
(Predominant color.)
Blue -150
Grey +140
Red + 900
White +900

How many times will the temperature outside the stadium be mentioned during the broadcast?
(Halftime does not count towards wager. Must say what the temperature is.)
Over 1 -350
Under 1 +225

How many times will the Rocky statue in Philadelphia be shown during the broadcast?
(Halftime does not count towards wager.)
Over 1 +110
Under 1 -150

Will Donald Trump be mentioned during broadcast?
(Halftime does not count towards wager. Must say "Trump.")
No -140

Donald Trump Tweets
Over 5 -120
Under 5 -120

Will Donovan McNabb's vomiting incident from Super Bowl 39 be mentioned during the broadcast?
(Halftime does not count towards wager. Must refer to vomiting or a similar word and say "McNabb.")
Yes +170
No -250

Will Justin Timberlake be wearing a hat when he begins his Halftime show performance?
Yes -130
No -110

What color will Justin Timberlake's shoes be when he begins his Halftime show performance?
(Predominant color.)
White -120
Black +225
Brown/Beige +700
Red + 1000
Blue +1000
Green +1000
Yellow +2000

How many times will "wardrobe malfunction" be mentioned during the broadcast?
(Halftime does not count towards wager. Must say "wardrobe malfunction.")
Over 1.5 +300
Under 3.5 -500

Will "Nipplegate" be said during broadcast?
(Halftime DOES count towards wager.)
Yes +500
No -900

How many times will Tom Brady's age be mentioned during the broadcast?

(Halftime does not count towards wager. Must say his age 40.)
Over 1.5 = -350
Under 1.5 = +225

What color will the liquid be that is poured on the game winning coach?
Lime/Green/Yellow +225
Orange +300
Red +400
Clear/Water +400
Blue +400
Purple +1000

Who will the Super Bowl MVP mention first in his speech?
Teammates +175
God +300
City +800
Coach +800
Owner +1600
Family +500
Does not mention any of the above +300

All bets are actual wagers offered through

Thursday, February 01, 2018

OCD #2

This is so satisfying!

Monday, January 29, 2018

The happiest dad on earth

If you ever get the chance to visit Disneyland on a Thursday in January, DO IT!

Monday, January 22, 2018

Got one of those customizable message boards

Sage words from old Fergalicious.

There has got to be a better way to express your gratitude.

How is Hostess not using this in their ads?

This one's a real conversation starter!

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Zack Morris is Trash

I try not to post too many videos in a row, but this one's just too damn funny not to share.

Apparently there is a whole series of these on Amazon Prime Video, all of which I will be watching immediately after putting my kids to bed tonight. You can also check out the YouTube channel here.

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Friday, January 12, 2018

Star Wars + Math = Awesome Video

Wednesday, January 10, 2018


I found Dr. Dre's diploma! (Click to enlarge.)

Thursday, January 04, 2018

Poor sap

Just what did this young tree do to be punished like this?! No one deserves to be placed on display with two of their dead peers tethered to them. #Disgusting