One Liners by Ryan Danger Sims

(Some of which have more than one line.)

2024 • 2014-Present • Instagram

I just got my results back. I have so many new family members to ask to borrow money from!

I don’t want to hear another word from the “helpful Honda” people until they start giving out Hondas.

*punches someone in the face*
“Don’t you dare punch me back. We need to heal and move on from these disputes.”

I wait until AFTER I hang up the phone to flush the toilet. Because I’m a gentleman.

Now that Trump has been voted out, will people be put in jail for saying “Merry Christmas,” or will they just receive citations?

Do guys who wear masks with their nose sticking out wear condoms only on their balls?

A weird thing about 2020 is that I keep waking up with a hangover?

Drive Thru Feb 2020: “If you’d like a straw, please ask.
Today: “Here’s a handful of straws now GO GO GO!”

The expression “I’ll bet you dollars to donuts” doesn’t have the same significance now that donuts cost a dollar each.

If you can’t say anything nice, shut the hell up.

My wife just told me that the NBA just apologized to Colin Kaepernick. Huge if true.

My 5yr old just held up her stuffed animal and said, “this cat can’t make French toast, because he’s not alive. Also, he’s sleeping.”

Read the Zoom, Gary. Read the Zoom.

Instructions on coffee bags are like USE THIS WHOLE BAG TO MAKE ONE POT

Just told my kids COVID-19 was caused by Ratatouille cooking and serving all that food.

Who has two thumbs and the rest of his hands burned all over from an excessive amount of cooking due to quarantine? This guy.

What our country is seeing right now is a divide between the idiots and the people who are not idiots.

I’ve been “social distancing” with my cousin for years. (He’s a dick.)

Just to be safe I’m staying 6 feet 2 inches away from everyone.

Stocking up on plastic straws for the future, where I’m certain they’ll be used as currency.

Just overheard a guy saying he used to think the lyrics to the Bee Gees song "More Than A Woman" were actually "bald headed woman” and I will never hear the song the same again.

I have like 50 Shutterfly accounts but I still can't log into any of them

Every once in a while I like to take a little break from running updates on my Xbox One to play a quick video game.

An escape room, but instead of trying to escape you just sit around with your friends talking and listening to music.

If a tree falls in the forest, I hope it lands on Donald Trump.

“I’m in love with dish sponges and I don’t care who knows!”
-My cat, apparently

I don’t think I’ve wanted anything in life more that Kaiser wants me to f***ing thrive.

‘Tis the season to frantically lint roll your children in a restaurant parking lot.

Wuthering Heights be like 🎵 Heathcliff, Heathcliff, no one should, terrorize the neighborhood 🎵
This joke is for the "people who read classic literature and also enjoy retro cartoons" demographic.

Taco Bell’s like you can have a single taco for two dollars or we can cram our entire menu into a box for you for five

If children’s cartoons are to be believed, Christmas constantly needs saving. What kind of operation is Santa running up there?!
I mean, he has thousands of magical slaves and he STILL can’t keep his shit together??

POLL: Paper straws are
[ ] The worst

Sharpie pens only live up to their name for the first 5 minutes of use.

The character Harry Potter was born in 1980, making him 40 next year. Audible asked what the title of his book be now. I believe it would be "Harry Potter and the Order of Buffalo Wings."

My wife wants me to take her to Bora-Bora. I can’t even afford one Bora, let alone two.

The problem with CBD oil is that it’s so damn hard to find a place in LA that sells it.

—Someone who is not actually screaming

Using a verb as an adjective is so cringe.

Has anyone used their car's emergency break in an actual emergency?

It’s 2034. All retail outlets have been replaced by internet commerce and every freestanding structure is a Halloween Super Store.

Environmentally friendly straws: for when you want your drink to taste like a paper towel.

Pretty sure that if you buy enough Gatorade bottles at the same time the store actually owes you money.

Earlier today I was standing next to a woman who was bragging to her friend that she’s “really good at eavesdropping.” I turned to her and said, “so am I.” 😎

I see you, people who deliberately go back and make the first letter of your tweet lowercase so as to appear more chill.

Full transcript of me calling Kaiser:
“Representative. Representative. Representative. Representative. Representative. REPRESENTATIVE!”

Hand sanitizer: for when you want to smell like a cheap drunk.

It should be illegal to serve Pepsi at a restaurant.

“The trunk is the butt of the car.”
-My 7yr old

I’ve taken college exams that are less stressful than ordering in a Chipotle line.

Whoever decided that cat starts with a C and kitten starts with a K must have really hated kindergartners.

Leaving your trash can on the street is a great way to collect tiny bags of your neighbors’ dog shit.

I’m feeling really good about my emergency brake after driving with it on for two minutes and NOT EVEN NOTICING.

Postmates, but for haircuts.

When I’m done ironing a shirt it has the same amount of wrinkles as when I started, but the new wrinkles are ironed in.

Sometimes I worry that our generation won’t be remembered as the most extra.

My wife: “Please don’t give our kids examples of what not to do.”
My 7yr old: “But dad’s really good at that!”

Is it too much to ask to have two separate pharmacies; one for people who are refilling prescriptions and one for people dying from contagious disease?

I bet Valerian steel-cut oats were amazing.

Taking down a tent is 10% folding poles and 90% trying to get the tent back in its bag.

Your clothes are on fleek! And by that I mean they were in style at one point in time, but now they’re tired and worn out.

Girl, I’m like the Q-tip behind your bathroom trash—I’ll always be there.

First years parenting: “Please finish your veggies if you want fruit.”
Now: “You’re not getting any cake if you don’t finish your pizza!”

My mom texting me gifs is the new my mom sending me email forwards.

At this point I’m 100% sure it was either Adnan, or someone else. #Serial

The more Taco Bell hot sauce packets you put on your food, the better the value.

Headline: "Trump Says Wind Power Can’t Work Because It Only Blows Sometimes"
If only we could harness power from my jerk-ass cousin. That dude blows 24/7.

Pick up line for middle aged people:
"Hey girl, is your hair undergoing gentrification? ‘Caus whites are popping up everywhere."

My 4yr old has a pack a day Band-Aid habit.

The camera adds 10 pounds, but Photoshop takes off 20.

Soft toilet seats are the most comfortable way to spread disgusting germs.

Why are all these singers waiting until they’re dead to tour as a hologram? #EarlyRetirement

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Whenever I eat beef jerky.

Have you talked to your doctor about bird box?

Boomers who busted their kids for smoking weed are now scrambling to try and make money off companies selling weed.

“My Postmates Courier Drives A Brand New Mercedes: A Modern Mystery”

Excited about the Super Bowl. It’s the Super Bowl of football!

Twitter in 2016: Somebody liked your tweet!
Twitter in 2019: Somebody you don’t know liked something you don’t like!

We adopted a cat and I think he has a cat allergy?

I got a membership to a fitness center two weeks ago and still haven’t gone in. I prefer to think of it as “having a gym on retainer.”

*Drops off car for oil change*
*Mechanic calls 20 minutes later*
So, you're gonna need a new air filter, and a total engine replacement.

Theirs always room for improvement.

Life is short. Take time to smell the markers.

All I want for Christmas is for you to stop playing that song.

🎶 It’s the most wonderful time of the year! 🎶
🎶 There'll be parties for hosting 🎶
🎶 Marshmallows for toasting 🎶
🎶 There'll be scary ghost stories 🎶
Okay I’m pretty sure you’re just describing a campfire.

Like 50% of parenting is roaming around the house flushing toilets and flipping off light switches.

Never bring a knife to a gun fight. Better yet, don’t go to a gun fight.

Women want to be with me.
Men want to be me.
Gender fluid people want to be free to have whatever relationship with me they choose without being judged.

There are two types of people in this world. The ones who refill the Keurig water, and the ones who are probably going to hell.

Why does Amazon want me to lie and say that I'm "not me" in order to log off? I'm not going to hell for you, Amazon!

Asked Siri to play Something by The Beatles and we got into our first real argument.

Is your CBD Oil just not as effective as it used to be? Try my new PCP Oil™️ today!

Baby Boomers: “Why can’t you buy your own home?”
Millennials: “Because you bought three and tripled their price.”

You didn’t sound pedantic until you used the word “pedantic.”

I wonder if anyone has actually called Dr. Dre “Clearasil” to his face.

I’m silently correcting you’re grammar.

Toilet paper prices are out of control. Can kids these days even afford to TP houses?

If there's a hell, at least part of it involves stirring organic peanut butter.

My Bitmoji dresses better than me.

Restaurants should be legally obligated to disclose if they charge for ranch.

Communal toys in the pediatrician’s office are a great way for doctors to get repeat business.

110% is at least 10% inaccurate.

When I was a kid, I thought flop sweat came from a mysterious part of the body called the "flop."

First rule of hypnosis: never practice in the mirror.

Prediction: Tom Cruise will do his own jet plane stunts in Top Gun 2 and that will be the end of old Tom Cruise. 😬


Poppin’ K-Cups like Tic Tacs.

Shout out to tugboats, the tow trucks of the sea.

The most relatable part of Star Wars is when the stormtroopers see Obi-Wan and Vader fighting with lightsabers and they immediately leave their guard posts to go check that shit out.

McDonald’s ice cream sundaes used to come with whip cream and a cherry. Now you’re lucky if they throw a bag of nuts at you through the drive-thru window.

Currently in the “unable to lie on the couch without a kid jumping on my stomach“ phase of parenting.

Sold a used Diaper Genie at a garage sale today. AMA.

Idea for next Mission Impossible movie: everyone is actually Tom Cruise in a mask.

I don’t get the appeal of Victorian style houses. Do these people enjoy being haunted?

There should be two different horns in cars: One for when the light has changed, and another for I WANT TO MURDER YOU

Taught my kids to use walkie-talkies. My 4yr old daughter’s first message to her older brother was: “Why are you pooping in your pants? Over.”

Life’s short. Buy the good toilet paper.

Woke up thinking why the hell do we settle for just a *fourth* of July? This is America! From now on I’m celebrating the WHOLE of July.

A summary of writing advice I’ve received:
Stand up for yourself, stick to your guns and don’t compromise on your artistic vision. Also, kill your darlings, take criticism on the chin and don’t get too attached to your projects.

Had a few drinks last night and apparently booked a yurt on Airbnb?

News from the White House has gotten so bad, I’m starting to look forward to the NPR pledge drives.

My 6yr old son just described a riptide as “it feels like a big hug, but really it’s the ocean trying to kill you.”

My 6yr old thinks LeBron James’s name is “NBA Jones” and there’s no way I’m correcting him.

You spend your youth saying “I can do it myself” and your old age trying to get everyone else to do stuff for you.

My dad left years ago but I save like $3 a year by not sending him a Father’s Day card so it all works out.

Is anything still on fleek?

I’m gonna open a bakery called “Just for Gays” and make a billion dollars..

The 96 Bulls could beat any current NBA team, because no team of 5 guys can compete against a team of 96.

“The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was that “rubber pencil” thing. (He's not that good at magic.)

Did you know that the Swedish word for hell is IKEA?

Adjusting the thermostat right before bed is like playing a really shitty lottery. Will I wake up soaked in sweat? Frozen to death?

Taking your child to work is like running a marathon on a treadmill. You exhaust yourself, but get nowhere.

“That Xbox controller is not a toy!”
-A ridiculous thing I’ve said to my young kids.

Burger King: Because there’s nothing else close by.

Going into Costco with my kids:

Has anyone ever watched an Instagram story and been like, “that was worth it?”

Just overheard two baristas talking about getting “two body piercings for the price of one,“ in what may have been the most millennial conversation ever. #BOGOPiercing

So the song "Love Potion No. 9” is about liquid ecstasy, yes?

Where there’s a will there’s a way-shady relative trying to get money.

IKEA is like the worst casino ever. You immediately lose track of where you are, there are no clocks, and you always walk away broke.

The ultimate April Fools prank would be doing a prank on a different day and then be like "It's April Fools" and then everyone would be totally confused and tricked.

If you lived here you’d have a big sign in front of your house saying you’d be home now.

Did you know that if you leave a tooth in a jar of gasoline it will dissolve, probably? My point is, don’t drink gasoline.

Twitter: for when you need to know when a person dies, within seconds of them hitting the floor.

I’m not a douchebag, which should count as a diversity hire in Hollywood.

It’s cute when people on bicycles think they’re cars and get in front of you going 5 mph.

6yr old: "Are you furious?"
3yr old: "No, I'm too mad!"

Fun fact: The time it takes to preheat an oven and cook a frozen pizza is approximately the same amount of time it takes a 6yr old to brush his teeth and get to bed. #SuperLagger

As a kid I had to give 10% of my money to the church. Is there, like, any way to get that money back?

Me: Knock knock.
Twitter: Don’t you mean “bang bang?” As in the sound of assault rifles tearing our nation apart?
Me: Okay, I’ll try another one. Why did the chicken...
Twitter: Wait, is this chicken cage-free?

Weather forecast apps translated:
Chance of rain 90% = it’s definitely going to rain
Chance of rain 10% = it’s probably going to rain
Chance of rain 0% = it might rain

With all this technology, how is it possible that my map doesn’t mention that the restaurant it’s sending me to is in a mall food court?

Instead of trying to kill two birds with one stone maybe we should just not try to kill birds at all?

“It’s pilot season!”

Can you get PTSD from listening to too many true crime podcasts?

*buying lotto tickets*
"Quiet down kids, I'm trying to invest in your future!"

Want to see something really scary?
Look underneath your child’s car seat.

“Why are they called babysitters? They don’t sit on babies!”
–My 6yr old

I spend more time editing my iPhone dictation than if I just typed the texts out by hand.

If the plan goes awry, was it really the best laid plan?

I'm a real chick magnet. I can’t go near farms for fear of being pelted with a barrage of baby chickens.

Is the opposite of “screwing the pooch,” putting the pooch in the friend zone?

The reason “the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry” is that mice are not trustworthy partners.

There are currently 1,253 different flavors of Doritos.

Yosemite Sam
“Say yer prayers, varmint!”
Salmonella Sam
“I’ll take the chicken, medium rare!”

I love that the first thing companies do when you unsubscribe from their email list is send you a confirmation email.

A slumber party is a sleepover, not a stay-up-all-night-and-scream-over!
–My wife being a pro parent

If I was in charge of a church sign I would def write something about today being a “critical mass.” #AshWednesday

Just learned that I’m the exact same height and weight as The Rock which would totally make sense if you took my stomach and transferred it to my arms.

Say “Equifax hack” three times fast. It’s a great distraction from the fact that your data has almost certainly been compromised!

The entire United States Military is in this Chick-fil-A.

When hiking in nature, take only photos and leave only footprints. And also maybe some pee.

3yr old Daughter: “I love you.”
Me: “Aw, I love you too.”
Daughter: “I was talking to my sandwich.”

Rock out with your cock IN please. It’s basic manners.

Just brewed a Keurig pod into a nonexistent cup. AMA

SEX!!! Now that I have your attention, do you want to have sex?

Costco sampling all their Super Bowl food right now and I don’t think I’m ever going to leave.

“Let’s play catch with your iPad!”
—My 3yr old daughter

An anti-improv group named No Or.

I could've brewed 1,242 K-Cups in the time it took me to get through this Starbucks line.

Is everyone faking it with shots? I can’t be the only one fighting to not make a sour face.

Wanna feel old? This joke format has been around for half a decade.

In these divisive times, I think we can all agree on one thing: the Patriots do not need to win another Super Bowl.

Toy in the ‘90s: “Requires 2 AA batteries.”
Toy today: “Requires 15 deadly watch batteries that look like shiny candy.”

Once I put my laundry in my washing machine, I immediately forget that it exists.

Did Apple rename iPhoto “Photos” just to mess with people searching for help on Google?

Feminist t-shirt idea: “Hoes before bros!”

Wanna feel old? Wear adult diapers.

QUIZ: How long do you floss after visiting the dentist?
 [  ] 2-3 days
 [  ] A week or more
 [  ] Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck that

At the end of the day, I'm a person who watches The Bachelor.

The thing you need to understand is, everyone stops listening when you start a sentence like this.

The official dad uniform is “Costco from head to toe.”

I’m so tired that I just stood in an elevator for two minutes before I realized I hadn’t pressed a button.

Has anyone ever used the term “coed” without sounding like a creep?

One thing about having kids is that you’re never bored! Seriously, what’s that like? Sitting quietly with nothing to do? Sounds intoxicating.

Let’s be clear; Obama popularized this phrase.

If I had a dollar for every time I bought something at Dollar Tree...

How secure is this three digit security code if I have to give it out every time I buy something on my credit card?

My 3yr old just told me she’s “putting on band-aids so that if she gets a boo-boo, there will already be a band-aid on the spot.” #PlanningAhead

Papa Roach has a lot of songs about his terrible childhood, but I think the worst thing is that his parents named him Papa Roach.

At what age do you stop getting off the elevator at the wrong floor?

Any vehicle can be an amphibious vehicle for a least a few seconds.

Variety is the spice of life, unless you’re cooking, then spice is the spice of life.

There’s a special place in hell for the person who made the iPhone start playing all songs alphabetically when you plug it into your car.

Okay Roy, we talked it over and decided that if you pass the dutchie on the right hand side one more time, you’re out of the group.

Any train can be a wine train if you pack right.

I’m the Michael Jordan of staining my shirt with my last bite of food.

How is it 2017 and they still don’t include toothpicks in bags of beef jerky?

Haven’t ironed in a while. Is an hour per shirt about average?

Wanna feel old? Have all your teeth removed and start wearing dentures.

Who has one thumb and hurt himself on the job? This guy.
—testimony in workers comp case

My brother’s iguana was eating kale way before it was cool. I’m adding mealworms to my diet to get ahead of the next trend.

When the Cleveland Chargers win the Super Bowl in 2044, I’ll be able to say that I never stopped being a fan.

If I listed my place on Airbnb the first thing I'd ask is, "are you planning to use it for a porno shoot?"

If leave the Keurig before the coffee is done brewing, I will immediately forget that I made that coffee.

Nothing tastes as good as nachos feel.

A minute ago I knocked down a wasp’s nest and ran inside my house. I just realized I locked the door behind me...

Dog poo is like an Easter egg you can find every day–except it's not that hard to find, and it's shit.

My 3yr old is singing "I have a butt," and I have to say, it's very relatable.

If the alt-right's right, I want to be wrong... I mean...if the alt-right's wrong I want to be right... I'M SAYING I HATE NAZIS.

Twitter's increase to 280 characters will allow the kind of deep political discourse that will finally solve our nation's problems.

I think I'm allergic to my allergy medicine.

veg·an /ˈvēɡən/
1. a person who will not shut up about being vegan.

I don't think I know anyone who hasn't been to a Steve Miller concert.

I'm confident...right?

Kindergarten is the best grade. The entire contents of my son's backpack is lunch.

Be the "person who doesn't leave a disgusting mess in public bathrooms" that you wish to see in the world.

I refuse to use any urinal that isn't marked "all gender."

Call me Ted, 'cause this music got me Danson! (sorry)

If sweating was a sport, I'd be an Olympic athlete.

A homeless guy just complemented me on my beard and now I'm thinking I should shave?

I'm too broke to buy new clothes, so I have to make new friends every 6 months.

Damn girl, I hope you aren't relying on Trumpcare to treat your pre-existing conditions, 'cause your body is sick!

Free Reader's Digest Joke: A doctor saying to his nurse "stop testing my patients!"

Instead of using the elevator, I take the stairs. Only on the way down, but still...

Can we just agree to make all new technology use one type of cord?

Hey "The Clash," given that if you go there will be trouble, and if you stay it will be double, then going=100% less trouble. U should go. #Solved

My 3yr old eats twice what I eat, and my 5yr old eats three times what I eat. So my point is, buy stock in Costco.

I dropped a pair of tweezers in the toilet and getting them out was like playing the worst game of Operation ever.

My mom is like WebMD if you took out the "medical facts" and kept the "fearing the worst."

You're not an adult until you've swallowed a pill with hot coffee.

I suffer in silence, but without the silent part.

A riddle, wrapped in a mystery, rolled in a tortilla = a conundrum quesadilla.

Teach your children to say "please" and "thank you" and you'll ensure that they'll never work at the DMV.

You know how Disneyland has really big lines? Well it's like that, but with no fun rides at the end. (Me explaining the DMV to my kids.)

BREAKING: My faith in humanity.

You can tell how old someone is by how long it takes them to reply to a text.

You wanna talk about romance? My grandparents only dated for 2 months before they got married! They quickly divorced, but still...

The phrase "no trans fats" is great on a food label, but terribly offensive on a dating profile.

Saw a homeless guy holding a sign saying he's a vet. Really dude? With all the pets in the world you can't get a job?

My dog is on his last legs. ☹️ I just can't afford any more prosthetics.

I leave a gun by my front door, so if an intruder picks it up, statistically HE'LL be the one who gets shot.

"I never tried cocaine--I couldn't bear the thought of snorting something up my nose. Flonase™ changed all that."

Do you like Star Wars, but hate lightsabers and cool force powers? Rogue One is the movie for you!

I feel like we're a few months from Betsy DeVos incorporating brands into school curriculum.
🎶  A-B-C-D-P-F-Chang's, I-H-O-P, T-G-I-Friday's 🎶

POLL: If you're a fan of U2, how would you rate them overall?
 [  ] First
 [  ] Second
 [  ] Third
 [  ] Catorce

Proud to say that we're transitioning away from using wasteful disposable diapers.
(started potty training)

So some dude named "Wetzel" just happened to be really good at making pretzels?

The odds that every new Star Wars movie will feature a droid calculating the odds is 100%.

A remake of White Fang for the millennial generation called Blue Tooth.

Am I a risk taker? I just ate a breakfast burrito from Del Taco, so you tell me.

Remember the good old days when shampoo gave people orgasms?

I've seen too many Boss Baby ads and now every time I see an infant I'm like GET A JOB

I'm starting to think that the "this will go on your permanent record" threat from my school teachers might have been bullshit.

Hey Toyota: If every sales event is the #1 sales event, then no sales event is the #1 sales event.

Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself. (I'm a pathological liar.)

Oh I'm a gang banger all right. I bang ALL the gangs.

I wanna be rich enough to buy a whole bag of grapes without removing some to lighten the bag.

Just found out that Ryan Gosling did all his own piano playing in La La Land and I think I turned gay for like a minute?

My grandparents have been married for 50 years! (Not to each other, but still!)

My grandpa built his own house with his bare hands. I use my toolbox to change toy batteries.

Girl, I'm like a wealthy Englishman. 'Cause I could afford to lose a few pounds.

I'd pull myself up by my bootstraps if I knew what the hell bootstraps were.

I guess on the bright side now every kid will actually believe they can be president one day?

Imagine being rich enough to have every type of Ziploc bag in your cabinets.

Ringling Bros/Barnum & Bailey Circus is closing after 146 years. They can't compete with a full-time clown in the White House.

If you really want to confuse your kid, buy a clownfish and name it Dory.

The new Amazon Prime slogan should be:
"Two-Day Shipping! Unless it takes longer . . . which happens like half of the time."

Did you know that 70% of people are addicted to their phones and the other 30% will NOT shut up about it?

Parents of the Past: "Don't put me in a home!"
Parents Now: "You're going to pay for my rent and food? Hell yes!"

I don't like to brag, but I'm pretty good at it.

Zen Thought: What is the sound of Samuel L. Jackson whispering?

There are only two strengths of peppermint schnapps: So weak there's no point in drinking it, and so strong you might go blind.

Any sweater can be an ugly sweater if you put a photo of my cousin on it.

Everybody so sick, I'm wearing Purell like aftershave.

I think this IHOP just updated their menu while I was in the restroom.

I miss the old Kanye. The strong and bold Kanye. The not endorsing crazy sexist racist bullies Kanye.

Those laser Christmas light projectors are a great way tell your neighbors you're lazy.

Sleeping soundly–that's the dream.

Watching Home Alone 2 as an adult, and all I can think is THESE PARENTS SHOULD BE PUT IN JAIL.

If aliens are watching our TV commercials, they prob think each American buys a thousand cars a year.

Instead of thinking of guys who are skinnier than me as "in better shape," I like to think of them as "lesser men."

Trying to not have my tombstone read: "He was really good at apps."

If I was a hobo, I'd hang out in a grocery store deli and sample everything with a really pensive look on my face.

Free rap lyrics: "Yo, you ask me how I make my ends? That's like adult diapers 'cause it just depends."

Before you watch this horrific news story, check out our hilarious car insurance ad!

DIY peanut butter recipe:
1. Place peanuts in garbage disposal.
2. Flip switch.
3. Scoop out and enjoy!

Billion dollar idea: A microwave that doesn't beep and wake up your kids.

My cousin drank like a fish, so nobody was that surprised when he died. Drinking sea water is really bad for you.

Pretty sure Trump's primary source of info on the US is US Weekly.

I 👏  LIKE 👏  TO 👏  CLAP 👏  MY 👏  HANDS 👏

Craft brew is 10% beer 90% label.

What's worse than blue balls, right bro?! (The answer is green balls.)

I understand why the NRA supports Trump. Nothing sells guns like an impending apocalypse.

I understand why so many evangelicals voted Trump. Putting our nation in the hands of a sociopath is the ultimate act of faith.

Actors, choose your rolls carefully. The "funky spunk" guy from Sex and the City will never escape that character.

Who has the disposable income to buy flags just to burn them?

This NFL announcer keeps saying he loves physical players. I prefer the emotional ones.

If it wasn't for the constant Microsoft updates I probably would've forgotten my computer password by now. #CupHalfFull

2016: Obama pardons turkey
2017: Trump goes to war with Turkey

BREAKING (Probably): Under the Trump administration, the Secret Service will be referred to as the "SS."

"So what do you do in your spare time?"
BEFORE KIDS: "I like to surf, mountain bike, go to clubs."
AFTER KIDS: "Hahahaha."

PRO TIP: If you don't bother changing the clock in your car for 6 months, you won't have to reset it on Daylight Saving Time.

Calm down beer companies–we don't need any more new IPAs!

I live my life like a baseball player with one nut. (Cup half full.)

I've seen people wearing overalls and high wasted pants. When are the "gangster Tweety Bird" shirts coming back?


Our spooky theme park attraction is so extreme WE WILL LITERALLY MURDER YOU.

If I bought a 3D printer the first thing I'd print is an ink cartridge for my regular printer.

Ralphs HR: Your résumé looks great. One more question: Do you have ANY idea how to bag groceries?
Interviewee: No.
Ralphs HR: Your hired!

*making silly animal noises*
Nephew: Do a golden lemur!
Me: I don't know what that sounds like.
Nephew: Okay just do a regular lemur.

Did you know you can wear a sweatshirt from any college and you don't actually have to go there? #Loophole

Just saw some protesters sitting next to their picket signs, playing games on their phones. Not as effective as you might think.

According to his bumper sticker, the guy in front of me has let Jesus take the wheel. FYI Jesus is a TERRIBLE driver.

Make the Chargers great again.

My biggest pet peeve is the expression "pet peeve."

I brushed my teeth for this?

I wasn't following Donald Trump on Twitter, but in support of #TheBigUnfollow I followed him and then UNfollowed. Take that!

Dear baggers Ralphs Grocery, please put my milk in a bag. I do not need a gallon of milk rolling around the floor of my car collecting lint.

Socially acceptable times to drink during the day:
• Funerals
• Weddings
• Kids birthday parties

Why put the toilet paper back on the roller when you're just gonna have to do it again in a couple days? #ExistentialBathroomThoughts

I'll stop wearing cargo shorts when it becomes cool for dudes to carry a purse.

I should get an Emmy for my performance as "dad pretending to like vegetables in front of his kids."

Is there a lesser trade you can make with the devil than the one for your soul? My ear hasn't popped for a week and I'm getting desperate.

Missed Convection: I said you were hot and you baked me cookies.

Who is buying sandwich bags that don't zip, and why aren't they more clearly marked so I don't buy them on accident?!

Crazy is doing the same thing over and over. Especially if that thing is killing people for sport.

 Story of my life, I order a burger, ask waiter to bring mayo, it takes too long, burger gets cold, I find out it already had sauce on it 

All you have to do to be considered a genius is surround yourself with people who think you're a genius.

Saturday is my "cheat day" . . . ladies.

You guys a radio DJ just told me about a sweet deal he got on car insurance. #Blessed

You can tell how old a writer is by whether they use 1 or 2 spaces between their sentences.

My friend just committed her life to Jesus. It was a nice traditional Mexican wedding.

No matter how hard I try I don't seem to be getting any more ethnically diverse.

A booby trap is the best sounding trap and also the worst sounding trap.

Take this test to see if you're the type of person who takes tests!

Roundabouts are the traffic version of a free-market economy. "Just remove all stop signs and lights and it'll just work itself out!"

Who's great idea was it to incentivize losing teeth? "Hey kid, the more teeth you knock out, the more money you'll earn!"

I feel like I deserve a gold medal for fast forwarding through all these Olympic qualifying events.

So I have to type in "G3bHs5" to prove I'm NOT a robot? That sounds like robot talk to me.

Olympic swimmers seem like they're swimming really fast until you see the judges casually walking along on the side of the pool.

I never liked potty jokes until I had kids. Now I totally get it. You gotta play to your audience.

Olympic 100 meter swim races should be called "The Hobbit." Because they go there and back again.

Just overheard my wife telling our son "I do not negotiate with toddlers." #ProParenting

Zillow is great for when you want to feel bad about how rich your friends are.

I told my wife "I love you" and she was like "I love U2" and I was like wtf Bono sucks

If predictive text starts correctly filling in your joke as you type it, it might not be that great of a joke.

Remember Kids: The "cooler" you are when you're young, the more irrelevant you'll feel when you're old.

Hello and welcome to Cliché College Course Titles 101.

Bothered by lack of realism in movies? Call (555) 555-5555.

The thing I'm looking for is always in the last place I look. Which makes sense because once I find it I usually stop looking.

In the future, all street names will be emojis.
"Turn left on sad face."

I'm a Die Hard Lethal Weapon fan.

Classical music is great for when you want to almost fall asleep and then be startled awake by loud banging sounds.

If life gives you lemons you can't make lemonade because you still need sugar. 😞

People got upset when they remade Ghostbusters with a great female cast and nobody's saying anything about this new Pete's Dragon bullshit?!

Every car repair I've ever got has cost $400 or $1,500. No exceptions.

Eat 30 of our hot wings and if you can make it to the bathroom without shitting your pants, your meal's FREE!

My retirement plan is to sign up with and hit up long lost relatives for money.

Nissan's gonna fix a potentially deadly manufacturing defect in my car for FREE! #Blessed

The Purge but for getting rid of toys your kids don't play with but won't give away.

I am physically incapable of using a stud finder without pressing it to my body and exclaiming, "this thing really works!"

Finally saw The Revenant. It was like Dances with Wolves, meets The Last of the Mohicans, meets a pile of crap.

If your Costco gas transaction takes longer than 5 min, the person behind you should get to slap you in the face.

Idea: A hat covered in wavy white lines so you can't tell if it's the hat's "design" or if it's covered in sweat stains.

I've had this cough so long, I think I've got what Charlie's grandparents had in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Trying to maintain eye contact with someone who's wearing sunglasses when you're not is excruciating.

"Your words cut deeper than a knife."
What kind of knife are we talking here? If it's like a butter knife then that's not that big a deal.

Last year I quit drinking cold turkey. Eating it is SO much better.

It's nice when Hotel California comes on the radio because I don't have to change the station for like an hour.

I think the best job ever would be an actor playing a dead person. Talk about an easy way to make a buck.

Phone consultations with an on-call nurse are great for when you want to waste 30 minutes before making an appointment to see your doctor.

Remember when craft beer was called microbrew and everybody wasn't pretending to love it?

The amount of soap I spill while refilling my liquid soap dispenser cancels out the savings I get from refilling my liquid soap dispenser.

A friendly neighborhood greeting in LA is "watch out for the dog shit on the sidewalk."

Haven't watched it but I'm assuming "Mozart in the Jungle" is a modern take on those Beethoven dog movies, yes?

Welcome to our ool. Notice there's no "p" in it. Let's keep it that way hahaha.
Also shit. Please don't shit in our ool.

I'm worried that my son's business might be in trouble. I gave him nine cents and he gave me back a quarter. (Also, he's 4.)

Internet abbreviation for old people: COL (chuckle out loud)

Hey people who wear scrubs in public: GET AWAY FROM ME.

When my midlife crisis hits, instead of buying a convertible, I'm getting a bulldog named Spuds MacKenzie and teaching him how to skate.

O'er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming–like YouTube!

Dear baggers Ralphs Grocery, please put my milk in a bag. I do not need a gallon of milk rolling around the floor of my car collecting lint.

Comedy's always been a defense mechanism for me. Like when I was bullied in school, I'd set the bully's house on fire and just laugh and laugh.

Weather in LA lately can best be described as "end of days" style.

In political news, Trump announces that his immigration policy now includes a ban on Neil Diamond's song "Coming to America."

Dinosaurs were so much cooler before they had feathers.

I'm too awake to sleep in so I guess I'll get up and drink a bunch of coffee.

Live. Laugh. Love. Butt stuff.

Bacon is the heroin of food.

My neighbors look like they're having a permanent garage sale that nobody wants to buy from.

If I had to guess I'd say I'm half white, half Caucasian.

Using a compass to navigate is great if you're traveling due north.

Trump may not wear orange for National Gun Violence Awareness Day, but keep in mind that his body is orange 365 days a year.

Just discovered that the funnel for my flask works great for getting bubble solution into my daughter's toy bubble blower! #DadHack

Just looked up if there's a synonym for the word synonym.

Oh, you don't know what the word "pedantic" means? Allow me to explain . . .

How did gentlemen express their interest in courting a lady before dick picks?

Saw an old dude at Sizzler get a Señor Citizen discount even though he clearly wasn't Hispanic.

How do homeless people afford Sharpies?

I've been a feminist for 20 years and NOW it's considered cool? Think of how many chicks I could've been getting!

A man bun is just a ponytail smashed on top of a guy's head. Wake up sheeple!

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would go back to sleep.

I'm not your boy toy, I'm a MAN toy dammit!

"Because I said so" is a parenting phrase you say you'll never say, until you have kids.

Life Hack: If you set your alarm for 6:00 instead of 5:59 you get an extra hour of sleep.

You're gonna kill out there tonight!
–Stage Manager or Crime Boss

Pushing my 4yr old in a shopping cart that looks like a race car. He's making "horn" sounds, yelling "honky, honky, honky watch out!"

It'd be more efficient if my Xbox told me when my controller does NOT need new batteries.

It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game. Unless you're my cousin. That guy's just a loser.

Jay Z's got 99 problems and misogyny's one.

Toddler on toy phone: "Hello?"

BREAKING: Trump names John Miller as his pick for VP. #Trump

Whether you say "same difference," or "six of one, half a dozen of the other," it's all the same to me.

Ordering in the Chipotle line is so stressful you should be able to list it as a skill on your resume.

How many flavors of Mountain Dew can they make before they admit it's just rat poison?

When did it become cool to say "Rest In Power" when someone dies? I want to rest in PEACE dammit!

Can we take a vote to erase the word "gastropub" from the English language?

Nothing ruins ketchup like the taste of real tomato.

It may be too late to "pologize," but have you tried saying you're sorry? #ItsTooLateToApologize

I worry about all the straight single ladies out there who aren't into hipster beards. Who's left for them to date?

Where were trans people shitting before?!

The napkins in a fast food bag are great for when you want to apply grease directly to your face.

Gifs are getting so short, pretty soon they'll just be photos.

You can say either "soda" or "pop," it's just that one way makes you sound like an idiot.

Ride or die or do an adult coloring book.

Did some research and confirmed that Dallas Raines is his actual birth name.

There will be a special Trump event in Toronto, Canada on November 8th, 2016. Hope to see you all there!

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled is that stupid quote that everyone repeats.

I'm a parent with an Xbox, which means I have just enough free time to run the system updates.

I don't usually get "hangry," but I think I get hangdepressed.

The whole Jedi Order needs a shakeup. How many Padawans DON'T end up trying to kill their masters?

My favorite author just signed my book and now I can't get the Sharpie off of my Kindle.

 "I hope to god I'll love you longer!" 
So you're saying you hope she dies first?

Just described the meal I made as "vegetarian except for the bacon."

I'm 37 and I still don't know what "word to your mother" is supposed to mean.

You do not need to call your dog by its full name.

The term "parallel thinking" is a ripoff of "great minds think alike."

You can tell a lot about a person by the way they behave at a Costco food sample cart.

Can I use your charger is the new can I bum a smoke.

I tried to keep my chin up, but I kept running into shit.

Weird is spelled weird.

I just had to double-check that it's 2016. I'm doing great!

*Trump having a heart attack*
"Quick, someone dial 711!"

NOTICE: If you are experiencing "all the feels," see your doctor immediately.

More like didgeridon't, am I right?

Wanna class up your Town Center? Just add an extra e! #TowneCenter

Has anyone actually ever dialed 1-900-MIX-ALOT?
If so, were you sufficiently able to "kick them nasty thoughts?"

I can't get an appointment with a euthanasia doctor to save my life.

Just took a Band-Aid off my finger to put it on another finger that I just hurt. So, I'm doing great!

Abstinence makes the dong grow fonder.

Have you ever felt like you had a really great tweet, but you just couldn't edit it down to be short enough, no matter how many times you tr

Not having any tattoos is the new having tattoos.

Every transaction:
"Don't swipe your card, use the chip reader."
*Two minutes later*
"I guess our chip reader's broken, swipe your card."

Hair doesn't grow on some parts of my legs. I look like a swimmer who's going for a very slight advantage.

When you assume, you make an a out of ss and ume.

When my kids are healthy: "Don't play with the toys in the lobby, you could get sick!"
When my kids are sick: "Knock yourself out!"

One exclamation point or three. Anything else is ridiculous.

If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, Leonardo DiCaprio will make a movie about it.

Hell is just sitting in a women's dressing room answering questions about how the clothes look.

Imho I believe the children r r future but I hope they don't all write like this tho

I keep accidentally taking screenshots of my new phone's homescreen and then trying to press buttons that are actually a picture. #Blessed

There is a brief window of time when your toddler says "shit" instead of "sit," and it leads to some hilarious dialogue.

Airlines say that kids under 2 fly free, but what they don't tell you is that they have to be accompanied by an adult. #Scam

If people are watching you dance, you really should have the decency to acknowledge their presence.

Peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool are two completely different things.

Can Costco employees refuse to give you more samples at some point? I'm about to find out.

People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you barfed in their car.

Behaving or looking as though one thinks one is superior to others is super silly, yes?

If your dog's your "child" then why did you have his balls cut off?!

I'm going to heaven if it kills me!

My 4yr old on driving: "Red means stop, green means go. Bashing into cars is bad, not bashing into cars is good."

I'm starting to think Web MD doesn't even have a medical degree.

Told the guy in front of me that his shirt tag was sticking out. He said, "yeah, thanks" and did nothing about it. Is this a new style?!

If you could make a living picking out the best avocados at the grocery store I'd be RICH.

I wonder how much money that crow made doing the background vocals on "Jumpman."

Chris Harrson of The Bachelor is the most successful pimp ever.

Neil Lane of The Bachelor is the creepy uncle of reality TV.

How awesome would it be if Nicolas Cage and John Travolta did one of those face swap videos? #FaceOff2

Printed books will never go out of style. Rich people need them to access their secret rooms.

"I have no interest in becoming famous." -Anonymous

Is there anyone left who hasn't done a duet with Paul McCartney?

Phoned in = lazy, detached
Dialed in = focused

Blue humor is okay, but I'm more interested in purple humor (jokes exclusively involving Prince).

Dear Hollywood,
It'd be cool to see a pretty girl on a billboard who's not covered in blood.

It should be illegal for the ad before the video clip to be longer than the video clip.

My body is made up of 0% jokes about what type of food makes up my body.

DiCaprio played a "fur trapper" in The Revenant? How do you trap fur?

I just swatted a fly so violently that I'm pretty sure Dateline is going to call and request an interview.

My grandma's an octogenarian and while I admire her tenacity there's no way I could survive an all-octopus diet.

I feel the same about Jose Canseco as I do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They seemed so cool before they turned into steroid monsters.

My 1yr old is on the floor having a fight with a pair of my jeans right now. She appears to be losing.

The worst part of a conscious uncoupling is when your ex is on the radio singing about how his new girlfriend makes him feel "alive again."

Parenting Question: Is there ever a time when you're NOT worried about your child being on fleek?

My wife just told my 4yr old that it's time to hit the sack. He asked, "what do you mean by shit the shack?"

Is the music at Starbucks getting cooler or am I just getting old?

The only thing more expensive than Legos is the dental surgery my son will need from pulling them apart with his teeth.

Ride or die or move out of your parent's basement.

Traveled with my family this weekend. On a bathroom stop my 4yr old leaned over and whispered, "McDonald's looks like a house for hobos."

All you need is love.*
*Also, food and water.

Just asked my four-year-old how he wants his eggs and he said, "scrambled with a hundred bacons."

People say "ginormous" all the time, but when I say something's "egantic" people look at me like I'm crazy.

Regardless of what your house is made of, you should NOT throw stones.

Were here today not to mourn a death, but to celebrate a life. So if those aren't "happy tears" get the hell out.

If your indie band's name doesn't reference a classic novel WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING?

"Rose! Rose. Rose? ROSE!!!" –Full transcript of Leo's dialogue in Titanic

I keep my fast food receipts in case I get food poisoning. That way my family can sue them if I die.

I'm hard on myself for being so hard on myself.


My cousin quit drinking one year ago today. He died of dehydration and it was very sad.

Sometimes I miss my mortgage payments. Come back to me mortgage payments!

A fun thing to do when flying next to a stranger is to introduce yourself by saying, "I'm terrified of flying and I'm a BIG talker."

The samples at this farmers market are so good it makes me wish I had Mission Impossible mask technology so I could go back 10 more times.

Guess who has two thumbs and another thumb? My cousin who was exposed to radiation. :(

Something about pansexual people using cooking spray instead of KY? Because that's what you use on pans? Idk I'm tired.

My friend said he looks great in winter clothes. Everybody looks good in winter clothes. YOUR ENTIRE BODY IS COVERED UP.

Fun Bachelor Live game: Every time Chris Harrison says "bachelor nation," shoot yourself in the head.

If The Bachelor wants to see what a "normal" night would be like with his date, one of them should do taxes while the other cleans a toilet.

If you're on The Bachelor and don't get to ride in a helicopter WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING?

QUIZ: Let's get to the bottom of this! Pick your least favorite expression.
 [  ] Cool beans
 [  ] 'Nuff said
 [  ] Sixer of brewskis
 [  ] 110 percent

How long am I required to pretend I'm going to buy the food I'm sampling?

I can count the number of fingers I have on two hands.

The Pirates of the Caribbean movies are a great way for your kids to develop a healthy appreciation of rum.

QUIZ: Last night I seriously injured my foot. Guess how!
 [  ] Breakdance battle
 [  ] Bar fight
 [  ] Bear fight
 [  ] Wii Balance Board

I quit my job as a guy who talks really fast on radio commercials. Too many restrictions applied.

WASP-Man #MakeAMovieWhiter

There's a mouse in my apartment. I'm playing Adele in hopes he'll get depressed and commit suicide.

I'm a feminist and if you don't like that you can suck it.

"Great minds think alike" is a really nice way of saying "f*ck you for stealing my idea."

I’m at the stage in my comedy career where I’m killing it in the grocery store checkout line.

Back on the day "going viral" just meant someone got herpies.

I’m gonna write a children’s book for boys entitled “Oh the Places You’ll Pee!”

"You can pee on a curb, you can wiz on a tree. You can piss on a tire, oh the places you'll pee!"

Doctors Without Borders, but for celebrity DJing.

There's a lot of pressure on the young to build a better future. It's nice to get older and be like "good luck with that."

Quiz: The Bachelor is
 [  ] The best
 [  ] The worst
 [  ] All of the above

Real talk - I don't like the expression.

Schrodinger's pussy. #SexyScience

Push your kid on a swing, and he'll swing for a minute. Teach your kid to swing himself, and you can go get a beer.

I currently hold three records, and will until I put them down.

If you're over 40 you're not a boyfriend, you're a manfriend.

My toddler's favorite thing right now is cheese. She's literally all about that cheddar.

I'll exercise when I'm dead.

Being picked second-to-last is my penultimate concern.

To be sure I'm feeding my kids healthy food, I think of what I eat and give them the opposite.

Expect the expected. That's literally all you can do.

OCD QUIZ!: Do you check the R/L markings on your headphones to make sure you're putting them on correctly?
 [  ] Of course!
 [  ] I'm a rebel.

Remember: It takes more muscles to frown than to walk around grinning like an idiot.

 [  ] Soda
 [  ] Pop
 [  ] Cola
 [  ] Heroin

An app that tells you if your coat is in your car.

I got stacks on stacks of bins on racks. #OCD

Most dog beaches are pretty shitty.

The problem with The Bachelor is that everyone's already found their true love: themselves.

QUIZ: What's your favorite sex-themed beverage?
 [  ] Naked Juice
 [  ] Menage à Trois wine
 [  ] Squirt

Don't forget to leave your heart out on that stage! But first sign this liability waiver because you cannot live without a heart.

Twitter verification, but for people who've never harassed other people on Twitter.

Worker in drive-thru asked if I wanted ketchup. I said "yes" but when I got home there was no ketchup. Were they just taking a survey?

If you like standing in the kitchen waiving around wet garbage, you'll love my motion sensor trash can!

"Be sure to stay tuned for the re-airing of the 2016 Rose Parade, immediately following this presentation of the 2016 Rose Parade."

If the steert sgins look lkie tihs, plul oevr yur'oe too dunrk to drvie. #NewYearsEve

I told my wife don't worry because next year I'll be rico. By that I mean I will have legally changed my name to Rico.

It's New Years Eve. Time to put the batteries in Carson Daly.

I'm going on a diet for the rest of the year.

Before posting a gif, ask yourself: Is this some stupid-ass annoying shit?

People are divided on how to pronounce the word divisive.

QUIZ: Are you reading this on the toilet?
 [  ] No
 [  ] I'm disgusting

Okay people! If I get 10,000 followers by the new year . . . I'll contact Twitter to report the error.

*Visiting the Grand Canyon*
“Oh, this is beautiful. This is like my 3rd choice for a screensaver.”

Packing peanuts are tasteless.

Christmas morning is when I get the most pictures taken of me and also the time when I look the most like a hobo.

So you messed up making my coffee, and after driving back and waiting in line you're going to make me a new coffee for FREE?!

All I want for Christmas is for iTunes to stop changing its interface.

My wife has emptied the lint trap in the dryer maaaybe one time in her life.

People who have sex in parks are great at using protection and terrible at using trash cans.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas, make the Yuletide gay (now in all 50 states)!

Ride or die or have a happy holiday.

I saw mommy kissing Krampus.

Couldn’t they come up with something that sounds a little more appealing than women's suffrage?

QUIZ: Would you rather?
 [  ] Wash the dishes
 [  ] Take your own life

Just found out that meat labeled "pork butt" is actually pig shoulder. Now I'm questioning all my meat-related knowledge.

Am I a rebel? Let's just say I've been known to leave my house with the Christmas tree still plugged in.

The only thing worse than being a homeless person would be to be a homeless person with OCD. How does that even work?!

If anyone ruins Star Wars for me I'm going to report them to Twitter for being "abusive or harmful."

Too much of comedy today involves critiquing comedy today.

Skyping with your parents would be a lot nicer if you didn't have to rely on your parents understanding Skype.

I was just standing 5 feet from Kanye and didn't think to bottle the air. I could have bought a new car with that money!

I don't want a lot for Christmas; All I want for Christmas is you. Clearly that's not much.

QUIZ: Have you taken an improv class?
 [  ] Yes
 [  ] And

Ride or die or Netflix and chill.

Hey hot people who say you were ugly in high school: NOBODY BELIEVES YOU.

When you have kids, get ready to start saying stupid shit like “goodness gracious” to keep them from talking like you.

QUIZ: Let's settle this once and for all you guys.
 [  ] Ride
 [  ] Die

Radio Ad: Have you thought about refinancing your property?
Me: I live in an apartment. Go to hell.

A guy in the stall next to me was on his phone doing his business while doing his business.

So I can go through a car wash a hundred times, but can't wash my car in my own driveway? #CADrought

What's up Chicago IL, Milwaukee WI and Pittsburgh PA! (I'm not going on tour, just really excited about cities.)

Just heard Kourtney and Kim took Miami. Why couldn't Miami have taken them instead?

I'm not on Facebook so I think I should get extra credit for remembering people's birthdays.

Prediction: Donald Trump's next wife will be named Billionia. #Inflation

"A Screech for Help" - Title for a Dustin Diamond biopic.

 I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams.  = I'm definitely not coming home for Christmas.

QUIZ: Going to my wife's holiday work party. Should I

 [  ] Get trashed
 [  ] Take off my pants
 [  ] Make a speech

QUIZ: I like to ate, ate, ate
 [  ] aypuls
 [  ] banaynays

Are there any war movies or war-themed video games that don't feature the song "Paint It Black?"

Am I the only one with the balls to admit I don't get Snapchat?

Every time a murder happens, a Dateline host gets their wings.

ME: What McFlurry flavors do you have?
CASHIER: M&M's and Oreo.
ME: I'll take Oreo.
CASHIER: Oh we can't make them, our machine's broken.

It's a scientific impossibility for my mom to talk to me for less than 20 minutes on the phone.

It's rained one day in LA and people are on their phones looking up the number for FEMA.

You shouldn't speak ill of the dead. Unless the person was a rapper. ("Yo, that dude was ill!")

QUIZ: When people say their dog is their baby, the best response is
 [  ] Totally!
 [  ] It has your eyes!
 [  ] Who’s the father?

I like to think I can tell a difference in Starbucks roasts, but in a blind test I'm sure I'd be like, "these are all very coffee tasting."

Haven't heard anything in a while; is Amanda Bynes okay?

I don't own a TV. Technically my wife bought it.

Push pins are so tacky.

QUIZ: My favorite reggae musician is
 [  ] Bob Marley
 [  ] Bob Marley

I've heard goddamnit, gosh dang it, and god dang it, but never a gosh damnit.

Flowers on a first date are nice. Unless it's one of those tripod funeral arrangements–then it’s just weird.

My mother-in-law could teach a college course in how to most effectively use Kohl's coupons.

QUIZ: Do you dip your fries in
 [  ] Ranch
 [  ] I’m an animal

QUIZ: Women: Do you want me to tell you if I notice your tag's sticking out of your shirt?
 [  ] Yes-it’s embarrassing
 [  ] No-it’s embarrassing

My son's working on a pack a day gum habit.

I peeled these hard-boiled eggs flawlessly! Now time to smash them up and make egg salad.

Why does voicemail tell you to "press 5 to disconnect?" Do they not know you can just hang up the phone?

I don't think atheists should be allowed to tell people to "go to hell."

Has anyone ever taken a timeout in the NFL without their head coach shaking his head in frustration?

It's actually pronounced "hey-seus take the wheel." #JesusTakeTheWheel

Remember when finding out that your salsa came from New York City was a really big deal?

The only thing vaping has done is make actual cigarettes seem a lot cooler.

Wouldn't chafrown make more sense? #Chagrin

Just once I'd like someone to admit that they're one to toot their own horn.

For his next art piece, Shia LaBeouf will broadcast himself watching the footage of himself watching all of his movies. #allmymovies

Just heard a Target ad that said, "Plymouth Rock your Thanksgiving." Someone got paid to write that.

Donald Trump: "I've created more yobs than anyone in this country." #GOPDebate

"Oh, man I'm getting sick. I can just feel it in the back of my throat." -Guy who just finished bagging my groceries.

Hey Gurl. You better call in to work, 'cause you're lookin' SICK.

Hitler didn't join the German Workers' Party until he was 20. Instead of killing a baby, maybe just take him out at age 19? #BabyHitler

Billion Dollar Idea: Invent a paper towel holder that actually works.

What is Jeopardy?

The term "OCD" is so out of date. They should at *least* update it to Omp3. You know, like upgrading a CD to mp3? Never mind.

Invention: Dawg Whistle. (A whistle that only your close male friends can hear.)

You can now order Dominos by texting a pizza emoji. Pretty soon we're gonna have to opt-out of them randomly delivering pizzas to our door.

Gun to my head, I guess I'd shit my pants.

Our weather was fine until Al Gore started talking about climate change. COINCIDENCE?

Heard "Adventure of a Lifetime" on the radio. Did Coldplay just turn into Jamiroquai?

I'd like to start a public awareness campaign explaining how owning a dog and having a baby is not the same thing.

Is there such thing as a 1/16 marathon? I think I'd be good at that.

#YouWereSoHotUntil you filled my Twitter timeline with dozens of hashtag war entries.

When someone brags about being a "homeowner," I want to ask: "What happens if you don't pay your monthly bill?" #HomeBorrower

Hotline Bling 100 years ago: ♫ You used to beep at me in Morse code . . . ♫

If deleting tweets right before they're commented on was a sport, I'd be LeBron James.

QUIZ: Which do you prefer?
 [  ] Dogs
 [  ] Dawgs

This LAN is my LAN. #NerdyCountryMusic

QUIZ: Which Twitter fav icon do you prefer?
 [  ] Star
 [  ] Who gives a shit?

Twitter says their new heart icon is a way to say "yes, congrats, wow" etc. But what if I want to say something's a flaming ball of gas?

So far Twitter has used stars and hearts for favs. Next up: yellow moons, green clovers, blue diamonds and purple horseshoes.

I can't believe Drake called it "Hotline Bling" and not "Butt Dial."

A teeter-totter is a great way to discover that you weigh more than all the other members of your family combined.

Hey Ralphs Grocery, what's your policy on returning random assortments of miniature candy?

Some of these lyrics in the Addams Family theme song are a real stretch. Rhyming museum with scree-um? #AmateurHour

I mark every add Twitter puts in my timeline "not relevant" in the hope that they'll eventually give up.

I'm not so much anti-gun as I am anti-pro-gun people.

SPOOKY HALLOWEEN POLL: Would you rather have
Slimy octopus arms
Trump as president

QUIZ: Which do you prefer?
 [  ] The answer on bottom
 [  ] The answer on top

I'm a master of my Kraft (mac & cheese).

Halfway through a Dateline and I'm pretty sure this creepy-ass host is the murderer.

How come you never hear anyone trying to appeal to Herspanic voters? #Sexist

Got the small Baconator for lunch today. #SonOfBaconator #HealthyLiving

Hey fellow sports fan. There's this thing called DVR that busy people watch games on. Please don't tell me who won.

I can't decide what I like less: prunes or dried plums.

Hannah Davis and Derek Jeter are made for each other. Like Party Rock and Axe body spray.

One way I know I have OCD is that the first thing I do when I get in the shower is wash my hands.

Meta Halloween Costume: Dress as a phone and carry around a Barbie or Ken doll. Stare at the doll all night and ignore everyone around you.

Viral video idea: Pizza rat, but with kale. #HipsterRat

The World Health Organization just released a report saying that bacon can give you cancer. Now I have to quit smoking bacon too?!

I feels like whoever invented strollers was kind of a dick. Why is my baby in FRONT of me when I enter busy intersections?

I'm still mad at U2 for getting that damn song stuck in my head whenever someone says it's a beautiful day.

Is Bill O'Riley gonna start assassinating presidents so he can write more books? #KillingLincoln #KillingKennedy #KillingReagan

Not sure if I'm understanding the lyrics to "Hotline Bling" correctly, but is Drake saying he has a Batphone for sex?!

At the rate Adele is going her next album is just going to be the sound of a self-inflicted gunshot wound.

Netflix and take out the "x" and add a "cks" because "flix" isn't a word.

Just swept away some spider webs so I could put up fake ones. #Halloween

Is it really that much trouble to add the amole? #Guac

Netflix and Hulu and HBO Now and Amazon Prime Instant Video and dying alone.

"Convenience fee" is an oxymoron.

Is the theme of Jeopardy's set design "'80s Nightmare?"

No one has pressured me to take drugs more than Kaiser with their damned flu shot.

Getting older is literally killing me.

Sometimes Twitter has so many bad jokes it's not even funny.

I've never played the "Kim Kardashian: Hollywood" app. Is the first level making a sex tape?

Has anybody tried using another word beside "ohm" when meditating? Did they try every variation? What if "ohh" works better?!

Bro! How crazy is it that every girl I date from Tinder turns out to be dyslexic?

I watch people walk by my window and when they look back I get upset at them for watching me.

Networking hard or hardly networking? Am I right?

Just used my wife's deodorant and now I'm worried that my pH balance is off.

I'd give $10,000 to see someone give me a million dollars.

Twitter is the bumper sticker of social media.

If you're curious what economic class I'm in, consider this: I've never been inside a Whole Foods.

It really bothers me when people talk about author John Updike. It's 2015, people! The correct term is John Uplesbian.

What's a hot mess and how is it different from a cold one?

The only reason I would ever use Peeple is to give its creators the lowest rating possible.

The word "illegible" should be a lot longer and harder to read.

My 1YO wrote a joke. I don't get it but she thought it was really funny:
c      v vfvvvsj       oi
     vc55v5vc5v5v5 fvf b b       c fv xz

Attention strange middle-aged ladies in the supermarket: Please do not come up and touch my baby on the face. That is all.

I'm currently in talks. With myself in a bathroom mirror.

Instead of "5 finger discount," I like to think of it as "100% off."

My 3YO playing doctor:
"You got a lot of blood in your body & we need to get all of that out. Also, I'm gonna cut off one of your fingers."

Despite his efforts, Boehner just couldn't keep it up.

T-shirt idea: Get your priorities LGBT

There's a new study that says psychopaths don't "catch" yawns. Have fun trying this out on your friends!

Happy National Punctuation Day?

I'm more on the edge of my seat waiting to see if my baby will nap than I've ever been watching an action movie.

At this point I'm impressed if you don't have a podcast.

My toddler was literally crying over spilled milk this morning and I feel like it was totally justified.

If I was a sleepwalker, I'd sleep next to a treadmill. Imagine how many calories I'd burn overnight!

A key strategy is to hide one under your doormat.

Is the sloth the only animal classified by number of toes?

You can tell I'm not a Millennial because every time I try to add someone's number to my phone I end up calling them five times.

How is it not called "Pin the Tail on the Ass's Ass?" #MissedOpportunity

Can you make sure to put my side of ranch in the bag next to my fries? I like my ranch as hot as possible, thanks.

Does anyone else think it's weird that Twitter is basically a bunch of adults giving each other gold stars for a job well done?

Live like every day is Taco Tuesday.

Rolls-Royce has put out car models named Wraith, Phantom, and Ghost. Can't wait for the 2016 Nazgûl.

If you see a friend in the supermarket, leave IMMEDIATELY after catching up. Otherwise you'll see them 5 more times with nothing to say.

U2 album title idea: Bonochromatic

Fact: Taco shells go stale 3 seconds after you open the box.

I can't remember a time when my phone wasn't updating.

T-shirt idea: I'm down with LGBT (Yeah you know me!)

I follow comedians on Twitter exclusively for their opinions on politics and religion.

When I was a kid the only thing better than pizza was square pizza.

Nice try hipster. Nobody looks cool while picking up dog shit.

Sometimes being a parent means getting kicked in the balls and then having to comfort the person who did it.

I turned off the VMAs early. Did Jared Leto finally get to have sex with that dude from The Weeknd? #AreYouReadyToGetSexy

Using a fly swatter is 10% killing flies, 90% smearing fly guts around your house.

I just cracked my first phone screen. Do I get a membership card or something?

Crazy in the head? As opposed to what?
"Stay away from that dude--he's crazy in the esophagus."

For a long time I thought imitation crab was created in a lab.For a long time I thought imitation crab was created in a lab.

Life is what happens when you're on hold with Time Warner Cable.

I think my milk's spoiled. I blame myself for always keeping it on the top shelf.

Donate to suicide prevention? I prevent suicide every day by not blowing my brains against the wall!

Billion dollar idea: Gluten-free gluten.

My homicide jokes are killer!

The difference between a psychopath and sociopath is a little crazy.

It's National Hug Your Sweetheart Day, but I hugged my sweetheart twice last year so I'm good.

A leak of who's muting who on Twitter would ruin more relationships than the Ashley Madison hack.

Sign up for our club membership and get free spam emails for life!

They're giving out free patio furniture at CVS! It's just sitting outside of the store waiting to be picked up.

Life Hack: Instead of hiring a "pool guy," just throw in a couple Brita filters.

Never wake a sleeping baby? What if it's asleep in the road? ARE YOU SAYING I SHOULD LEAVE A SLEEPING BABY IN THE ROAD?

BREAKING: In a continuing effort to crack down on illegal aliens, Trump vows to arrest anyone with a "Not Of This World" bumper sticker.

If I ran a male escort service I'd definitely call it "Rent A Dick."

A fun thing to do is answer someone by saying "well you know what they say. . . ." And then never finish the sentence.

Excuse me. I'm not cutting in line, I just have to ask the cashier a question . . .
"Hi, can I have a coffee and a bagel?"

I just won a fruit parfait from McDonald's. Never has winning felt so much like losing.

I like "fast casual" restaurants because I like my food to be prepared in a mellow environment AS QUICKLY AS F*CKING POSSIBLE.

I'm gonna invent a hand sanitizer that kills just 0.01% of germs--the ones the "99.99%" sanitizers don't kill.

To check if you have OCD, help a toddler use a public restroom. If you don't pass out from their blatant disregard for germs, you're clear.

Being a professional wrestler is a great way to be gay without having to worry about being bullied.

You may say I'm a dreamer . . . wait, what were we talking about?

Has anyone started a GoFundMe yet to help Drake with his "two mortgages, $30 million in total?" #Energy #RapPeopleProblems

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." -Gandhi
I'll be a roll of quarters in a pair of tight jeans. For the ladies.

Meek Mill is lucky. Drake hasn't responded to ANY of the diss tracks I made. #WheresTheBeef

I wrote myself a hundred-dollar check and put it on the fridge. One day I'm going to be successful enough to cash it.

Whenever a woman tells my son he's cute I pretend like they're talking to me and say: "Thanks, but I'm married!"
This never gets old.

You know you're getting old when you're mad at Spiderman for making kids think spider bites are cool.

Congratulating someone who looks pregnant is high-risk, low-reward situation.

Sneeze = "God bless you!"
Coughing Fit = "Get away from me!"

I'm worried my dreams aren't achieving their full potential.

One thing TV flashbacks have taught me is that I need to teach my kids to ride a bike. Otherwise they'll have nothing to reminisce about.

Rap is the only genre where artists tell the listener exactly how big their dicks are. Can you imagine if Celine Dion did that?

At the end of the day, if you're not on the chopping block, following your heart is worth playing for. --Every reality show contestant ever.

I gave my camera to an 80 year old and asked her to take my photo. She didn't know how because she's used to her iPhone. #TrueStory

I'm afraid of inadvertently starting a Starbucks-style "race matters" discussion when I pick "white American" cheese for my Subway sandwich.

I try to have faith in humanity, but it's hard when you're parallel parking and somebody pulls up right behind you and starts honking.

Timing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . is everything.

So they repossessed your car and your home's in foreclosure? The Helpful Honda Dealers will help . . . by paying your trash bill this month!

My goal of drinking a cup of coffee is in direct contrast with my son's goal of stepping on my balls. #Parenting

If you're on So You Think You Can Dance, you MUST do a dramatic heart pumping gesture with your hands at some point. It's in the contract.

It's National Scotch Day. You know what they say: You either like Scotch, or you don't. Or you kinda do. Or you hate it. Or you just don't care.

If TV shows are to be believed, racetracks are 100% filled with deadbeat dads and the children they're about to abandon.

That moment when you realize you misspelled underwear.

That moment when you're putting on your underware after the shower and your feet get caught and you hop around like an idiot.

It seems like Channing Tatum is juggling a lot of balls in the air. #MagicMikeXXL

I was wondering why Blow Pops are called "pops" even though they're suckers and then I realized why. #BlowSucks

Someone on my block is really getting their money's worth out of their car alarm.

Life Hack: Set your goals ridiculously low and you'll accomplish all of your objectives.

It's all good. Except for the parts that aren't good. Which is most of 'em.

What's the difference between a snake in the road and a landlord in the road?
The landlord is a f*cking asshole.

Life Hack: Throw your circuit breakers at midnight to synchronize all the clocks in your house at once.

Miller Lite's slogan is: "A Fine Beer."
It's refreshing to see such honest marketing. #AdequateBeer

Latin music has a Pavlovian effect on me, because I mostly hear it while waiting for Mexican food.

Shout out to indelible ink. Come what may that shit will NOT be delled.

Woke up feelin' like a turd on a hot tin roof.

Just think--if we hadn't gained our independence, today would be the 0.25 of July. #MetricSystem #4thOfJuly #Blessed

Fun Fact: The movie Jurassic World was based on the novel Push by Sapphire.

I think the key to getting your music sampled on a hip-hop track is to talk about how much you love DJs.

Literal Turn Off: When an artist sings the name of a radio station at the beginning of their song.

If I ran a dry cleaners my slogan would be: "When a situation unfolds, I'll iron out the problem."

fedoron (/fəˈdôrˌän/) - noun: a moron in a fedora

Does anybody ever have their money ready when they get to the drive-thru window?

I wouldn't bullshit you, or human shit you for that matter.

When a dog starts licking your arm it’s cute and then it gets gross really fast.

A hungry toddler is a lot like a Roomba.

There's no B, C, D, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, N, O, P, Q, R, S, U, V, W, X, Y or Z in team.

I've gotten to that age when I've started saying things like "I've gotten to that age."

I wonder how many fights those #1 Dad mugs have started.

Just added the word "bae" to my spell check. What have I become?

Life Hack: Any car can be a self-driving car if you don't mind runnin' into stuff.

What makes an oil "essential"?

Just passed a furniture store that isn't having a "going out of business" sale. Do I get a prize or something?

I'm assuming the people who came up with Mountain Dew's new product name "Dewshine" never actually said the name out loud?

dat grammar tho

Death Hack: Jump off a bridge.

And then he realized the tweets were coming from INSIDE HIS OWN HOUSE! (Modern campfire horror story, probably.)

Shout out to The Weather Channel for sticking to your guns this morning. Saying there's 0% chance of rain while it was raining on my head.

I will now tweet the entire plot of the Entourage movie in emoji: 

Investment Tip: Don't put any money in Jurassic Park stock. Every single park they've made has been a total disaster.

Haven't seen Mad Max: Fury Road yet, but how hardcore can it be if the guy's driving around on a road covered in fur?

Life Hack: You don't have to put money on gift cards before giving them out.

Not spending enough time on your phone? Visit my blog More Rants than Raves!

Shout out to Redbox for broadcasting my personal email address to whoever happens to be behind me in line.

There are women that wear LOTS of perfume, and there are women that wear none. I'm pretty sure that's it.

I Don't Follow The Rules

I can't lead a horse to water OR make him drink. What do you think I am, a goddamn cowboy?

Drink every time Chris Harrison moves his hands while talking. Just kidding, you'd die of alcohol poisoning.

Everything this weekend is mad. Mad MenMad Max. EVERYONE NEEDS TO CALM THE HELL DOWN

Ride or die? Are those the only two options? How about "ride or die or sit on your couch watching TV?"

Ride or die or do a juice cleanse.

Ride or die or call your mother she misses you.

Ride or die or ask your doctor about Levitra.

Take me to church! Here's the churchy . . . here's the steeple . . . open the doors and . . . there's the people! Take me to church!

My cell phone bill has been the same amount for two months in a row. WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Idea for a Call The Midwife spinoff show: Dial A Doula

Ironically it takes a lot of balls for a guy to admit he's a feminist. #ImAFeminist #AlsoIHaveALotOfBalls #LikeFourOrFive

I don't care what that dude says, I still totally fear the reaper.

Want to truly feel alive? Turn off your GPS while driving. #EXTREME

Having a 3-year-old is like having a tiny bear in your house. They're cute and fun, but sometimes it seems like they're trying to kill you.

Heard on school announcement today: "Due to the inappropriate behavior of some students, the cafeteria will no longer be serving grapes."

We our are mistakes.

I don't follow basketball, but maybe OKC should change it's name to something a little less . . . average? #OK #C #OKC

Mr. Rogers lied. My neighbors suck.

One good thing about having kids is that you'll never need to set your alarm clock again. #IHaventSleptPast6amInMonths

Time travel can’t exist because someone would have already traveled back in time and made Robin Thicke disappear.

Looking for some free entertainment? Hang out by a Redbox and silently judge people for what they allow their kids to rent.

Always “Is this shirt too small for me?” Never “Am I too big for this shirt?”

Is street smarts knowing the difference between a mixtape and an album?

I would never hitchhike! I prefer to PAY to be picked up by a total stranger. #Uber

Google's speech recognition refuses to type the word "shit" (it types "s***" instead). When did PCs get so damned PC?

Maybe take the time and energy you're using to defend your rape jokes and use it to come up with better material?

When you heat butter in the microwave, there’s a 0.2 second difference between solid butter and liquid bubbling lava explosion.

My new retirement plan is to hang out in shady areas and try to witness a crime. The Witness Protection Program seems NICE!

Nothing makes me drive slower than when a person behind me honks their horn.

There’s nothing more emasculating than a grown-ass man walking a bunch of tiny dogs.

I'd be more concerned about the environment if the environment showed a little concern for me. Would it kill to send a card?

The answer to the tweet above is yes, it would kill the environment (because cards are made from trees). #OvercomplicatedTwoPartEarthDayJoke

At this point I'm surprised there isn't an awards show that gives out awards to other awards shows.

Today is 4/21, which means there are only 364 days until you can smoke weed again!

Today is 4/20, so people that smoke weed will smoke weed and people that don't won't. So exciting!

My cable plan is sooo basic.

Apparently the zombie apocalypse has already started and they're all hanging out at this Taco Bell.

You know what taxes me? All these goddamn tax jokes on Twitter.

I’ve heard patience is like a muscle–it grows with practice. I’ve also heard you shouldn’t work out every day. #Parenting

The CIA could ID all people with OCD by fingerprinting all the open bottles of hand sanitizer on store shelves.

I put the “Ohhh snap!” in OCD.

I just heard a radio ad preempted by a “this message is brought to you by” ad by the same company that the ad was for. What is happening?!

NOTE: If you leave a flier on my car, you are an accomplice to littering.

Note to anyone who thinks that "no one knows" you're high:

I'm not "funny ha ha." I'm at LEAST funny ha ha ha.

If “clothes make the man” then hobos should be priests. Because their clothes are so HOLEY. Get it? Okay I’ll stop now.

Driving in the HOV Lane. Can't believe Jay Z has his own road now!

Still waiting to use those algebra equations from high school in my "real life."

Like the old saying goes, "It's approximately 5:24 somewhere!" #NationalBeerDay

Just opened an Evite and the clock’s ticking. I figure I’ve got about 24 hours to respond before the host starts judging me.

First of all, I don’t see how hard it would be to put one in a bottle. Secondly, it’s really gross. Wait did you say “SHIP?”

My plumber just told me there's no such thing as "flushable wipes." I said, "anything is flushable if it fits in the toilet."

Here's how Google Keep wrote my last tweet (above) when I dictated it:
the plumber said there's no such thing as a wife I said they're all possible

Google Keep voice dictation is batting 1,000. Here's another gem:
no everyone is seems that nobody knows their ass everyone knows your past

Your dog's jumping at my toddler!
What's that? Your dog's "really nice?"
Oh, my mistake. Please continue letting your dog jump on my child.

Microwave Beeps: 99 times out of 100 they're annoying, but 1 time out of 100 they save ya.

Do people who play chess in public actually like the game, or are they just trying to show off?

Just told a cop that I have lots of drugs in my pants and now he's chasing me. Hasn't this guy ever heard of April Fools' Day?!

My shit’s hilarious (and my jokes aren’t bad either)!
That was not a good example.

Lunch ladies need a better PR firm.

Why wouldn’t I want to "fill up on chips and salsa?"

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 should’ve featured the tagline: ”Now with 100% less Lenny Kravitz!”

Is it called the Hunger Games because all the actresses are so damn skinny?

Why do I have to order UNsweetened tea? Nobody has to ask for “unsugared” coffee.

I’d be okay with the FBI using mind control on kids, as long as it’s only to train them to clean their rooms.

The biggest difference between video games of the '90s and today is that in the '90s I had a lot more time to play video games.

Is it true that Starbucks baristas are being encouraged to discuss NASCAR? HOW ARE THEY QUALIFIED TO DO THAT?! #StarbucksRaceConversations

NPR is asking people to pledge money. Yeah right! I called in to a show last year and gave my opinion and I'm STILL waiting on my paycheck.

"Texas Toast" is actually a trendy gluten free diet vegan charred bread served exclusively to hipsters at SXSW.

I’m 36 today!

It’s not my birthday; I just wanted you to know.

You can tell how much we cook in our family by the fact that we call our oven mitt the "pizza glove."

Some people prefer turkey to beef, but I think that's just fowl.

Hell hath no fury like me, once I catch whoever is leaving dog shit on my lawn.

For all intensive purposes my life’s such a worldwind I don't have time for learning grammar (irregardless of the consequences).

Goldfish are like batteries and lightbulbs. When they die you just swap 'em out with new ones.

Politics! Am I right? #Politics #News #Controversial

Is the point of SXSW to make everybody that's not there feel bad about not being there?

Never look a gift horse in the mouth. In fact, if someone offers you a free horse you should probably just get the hell out of there.

I think we can all agree that there’s a vas deferens between a guy’s dick and his balls.

Can I draw? Of course! It just looks like shit.

Just told my toddler that a CD is how people listened to music before iPods. I am officially 1,000 years old.

Startup Idea: Website that shows you how to cut the speaker wires inside of annoying toys.

“A spider chimping a wall. An inglet snorking a shoe and a hat. These are my jokes. You can tweet them.” –My 3-year-old son

Unfinished Jokes:

*something about condiments and "condom mints"
*coffee cake = beer Del Taco
*stands out "like a turd on the sidewalk"

Spoiler alert! Zoolander 2 might suck.

When people ask me my sign I say, "stop."

This techno Madonna remix is really getting me in the mood to buy produce. Thanks Ralphs Grocery.

Got Transformers on Google Play for free last night. After thinking about it for a while I kind of feel like they owe me money.

DON'T LOOK AT ME! #MakeAFirstDateWeirdIn4words

I’m pretty sure I hold the world record in “distance driven with parking break on.”

A moment on the lips a lifetime on the hips, but waiting to see if the vending machine is going to drop your candy is an eternity.

I’m starting to think that some people on Twitter are kind of self-obsessed.

The award for least requested wedding song goes to "Rude" by Magic.

I think the best ailment to claim in order to get a medical marijuana card would be "chronic separation anxiety."

Pitbull's so dope that even Pitbull's pitbull's have pitbulls! Probably. I really don't know much about Pitbull.

Just once it'd be nice to hear, "Yes way, José. Yes way."

Isn’t pretty much every book a "textbook?"

Just asked some kids what they want to be when they grow up and somebody said “retired.”

I'm a good diversity hire. Sure I’m a white male, but tall people are definitely underrepresented in the entertainment industry.

Cannot follow simple instructions. #ReasonYouWereFiredInTwoWords

You didn’t get the birthday card I sent? That’s weird; I put it in the mail like an hour ago.

Tattoo idea: “I already regret this.”

It’s a little disappointing when you get hurt and it doesn’t leave a mark. How am I supposed to pine for attention?

Shark Tank would be so much better if people had to enter an actual shark tank to submit their ideas.

If these walls could talk I’d be like, “Shut up!” I mean, who wants to have a conversation with a freaking wall?

Don't hate the player or the game. Hate whoever came up with the ridiculous expression.

KFC is making an edible coffee cup. I'm worried the target market for the cup will just continue on and eat off their own hands.

All About that Bass Fishing #AddAWordDestroyASong

Hack Hack: Sharpen your ax before chopping wood.

You just know some guy’s out there thinking, “I can’t wait 'til this hipster trend is over so I can shave off this damn mustache.”

Wait, it's not YOUR dog? #RoommatesIn5Words

I’m rewarding myself for a job medium done.

Strike while the iron’s hot. Or cold. Either way if you strike someone with an iron you’ll probably get your point across.

It's hard to make excuses for being late when you're holding a cup of Starbucks in your hand.

People wait all year to complain about The Oscars running too long.

Thank you Oprah, Harpo, Porha, Aphor, Rahop . . . #Oscars2015

I hope Cuba Gooding Jr. and Ice Cube finally get recognized for their work in Boyhood. #Oscars2015

My retirement plan relies pretty heavily on winning the lottery.

Free Startup Idea: An app that plunges the toilet for you.

The heater in my apartment has two settings:

a) Scorching inferno
b) Off

I’m going to be the first person in the world to burn out the gas light in my car from overuse.

It's crazy how much my omelets resemble scrambled eggs.

When you're here, you're family. When you’re not around I'll pretend I don't know you.

Is it just me or are Sam Smith and Michael McDonald the same person?

Today is Love Your Pet Day

1 day of love, 364 days of indifference.

How do I know YOU aren't the one stealing the office supplies? #HowIWouldQuit

You can't fire me, I quit. Also, your wife slept with ME. #HowIWouldQuit

If I was Catholic I'd go for 41 days. #ExtraCredit #AshWednesday

This just in: Michelle Obama is lobbying to change Fat Tuesday to "Healthy BMI Tuesday."

My dad used to say that eating vegetables would “put hair on my chest.” I remember thinking girls must not eat many vegetables.

I bet I’d have a lot more followers if I’d started tweeting back in the '80s.

Even though I’m 6’ 5” tall, sometimes I feel like I’m only 5’ 17”.

I’m a baller on the outside, but a bawler on the inside.

“Give me liberty, or give me death.” –Thomas Paine, 1776

“I'm 'n luv wit a stripper.” –T-Pain, 2006

Because it's fabric. Wait, oh SATAN! #WhySatansABadDate6Words

Why shouldn’t I speak ill of the dead? Like 50% of the living are assholes; how are 100% of the dead off-limits?

sometimes when people tweet like this i think they are trying to hide the fact that they dont understand punctuation and grammar

Chipotle has stopped serving carnitas because of the way the farmers were handling the pigs. Apparently THEY WERE KILLING THEM.

I like my drinks like I like my donuts; old fashioned.

I wish Kanye would interrupt some of these ridiculous "Kanye interrupts" jokes going around.

It’s a given that anyone who’s singing to themself in public is hoping to be “discovered,” right?

It would be such a blessing if people would stop implying that they are more “blessed” than me.

I cannot overemphasize the importance of the accent marks in the name of my local Mexican restaurant, Holé Molé.

RT if you love acronyms.

"I've been really active on Twitter lately" is the same as saying "I'm on the verge of getting fired from my job.”

Start every entry with "Dear Diary." #AdviceForYoungJournalists

I’d like to thank the green flash phenomenon for adding a touch of disappointment to like 99% of the sunsets I see.

"Live fast die young" sounded kinda cool when I was younger. Now I just want to live slow and die never.

Just watched Gone Girl. At least Ben Affleck wasn't receiving an award for THAT film when he made his "marriage is work" speech.

“My bae’s on fleek.”
I think the pharmacy has a cream for that.

Office Depot and Staples are merging. Their new name will be Overpriced Ink Inc.

If “you are what you eat” then how come I’m not a liquid terminator made of nacho cheese?

Hey @TheGRAMMYs I have an idea for a slogan:
"The 57th Annual Grammy Awards: Not Your Grammy's Grammys"

Wanted to send a tweet to congratulate Harper Lee on her new book, but I can't find her Twitter account.

A lawn in the center of an apartment complex is basically just a big dog toilet.

A rapper who’s “all about the money?” How refreshing!

Love the new McDonald's ad. You can buy fries with a hug, burgers with a dance, and chicken nuggets with a handjob. #ImLovinIt

“Everything in moderation.”

(Except for moderation, apparently.)

Fit as a fiddle? I’m thinking more "fit as a cello.”

I'm the guy your mother didn't warn you about. Because I'm nice.

I can twist a cherry stem in my mouth. When I spit it out it isn’t tied in a knot, but I put on a pretty dramatic performance.

If I had to describe my comedy style in one word it would be “funny.”

Where did the saying “tit for tat” come from? More importantly, what is “tat" and where can I find some? Seems like a good trade.

Saw a dreamcatcher hanging from a rearview mirror. If you're sleeping in your car, catching dreams is NOT your biggest concern.

We don’t need no education!

How about just a quick lesson on double negatives?

Tip for the CIA: To find sociopaths, monitor the radio and find out who changes the channel when a Taylor Swift song comes on.

Everything expires eventually. Especially coupons.

There’s no “Z” in team either but you don’t hear anyone bragging about that.

I don’t watch How to Get Away With Murder, but I bet the first tip is “don’t leave this show on your DVR after you commit the murder.”

When Velveeta employees leave for work, do you think they tell their families that they’re going to “make that cheddar?”

Just paid for a mocha at Starbucks and the barista who's making my drink is coughing all over the place. What do I do? Help!

I can't believe they didn't even mention Hugh! #WhitneyMovie #IWillAlwaysLoveHugh

Am I the only one who wishes that hashtags could include punctuation marks? #IAintJokinYall

Standing on the sidelines of a farmers market is a lot like watching a hippie parade.

Has anyone NOT touched the plate after the server warned them that it was “really hot?”

I was at a restaurant and overheard a pregnant lady ordering a “virgin” drink. I was like, yeah right, you’re not fooling anyone!

Confucius says: “The line for the men’s restroom at a gay nightclub is very long.”

I like to think of hipsters as fancy little lumberjacks. But instead of chopping down trees they play with smartphones and drink fancy coffee.‬

You say you’re feeling sick, but are you “$25 copay sick?”

"Do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing, and you'll never be criticized."

– Elbert Hubbard
Except for being a lazy, cowardly, loser.

Instead of “erection,” I think we should start saying, "he’s in the bone zone.”

They say too much of anything can be bad for you. Especially terminal illness.

Tried to supersize at McDonald's. Girl said they don't do it anymore. Then she got real excited and asked, "were you around when they did that?!"



























#HowDoYouKFC With my mouth, usually.

My three-year-old woke up and said, "Happy New Year! Can we watch the nose parade?”

I'm so busy my New Year's resolution is to come up with a New Year's resolution for next New Year's Eve.

What I say: “Please excuse me.”


Does anyone else feel like maybe Best Buy did it? #Serial

I just came to the realization that I might be a “morning person.” Ugh.

Just wanted to wish everyone a happy Boxing Day. I know it isn't until tomorrow, but I'm so excited!

I’m done singing from the heart. From now on I’m singing exclusively from my spleen.

Every time a vegetarian is seen wearing leather they should be forced to eat a piece of bacon.

I love the Latin version of “Oh Come All Ye Faithful.” Especially the part that says we should all “adore a moose." #ObscureHolidayJoke‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

The world is your oyster!

So you’re telling me I should suck it?

When someone is mean to you, try to think of the deeper reason that they act the way they do. Like, maybe they’re an asshole.

With two young kids, I never get any sleep. But a guy can dream, right? #ThatDoesntMakeAnySense

I love eggnog, but the name's pretty gross. Were they going for the most unappealing name possible? I guess “eggjuice” must have been taken.

Eggnog must have hired the same marketing firm as liverwurst.

Do you love holiday music, but hate all of the wonderful time-tested classics? Starbucks has you covered.‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

Book sequel idea: The Sisterhood of the Traveling Mom Jeans

My toddler just tried to clean up oatmeal on the rug with a rolling pin. It wasn't as effective as you'd think.

I’m flossin’ yo! Not literally–I mean who has time to floss? #HardcoreRap #DentalHygiene

And what of the hipster who cannot grow a beard? #Tragedy

I have a theory that 99% of pubic hair on public urinals comes from 1% of the male population. Who are these nasty little furballs?

I just can't stop eating. Mostly because I'm a human person and if I don't eat I will die.

Been watching a lot of Curious George with my son. The Man with the Yellow Hat is just DYING for a makeover. ‪#WhatNotToWear‬‬‬

Anything is free if you steal it. ‪#TheMoreYouKnow‬‬‬‬

I’m (re)organizing the jokes I wrote about my OCD. ‪#Ironic‬‬‬‬ ‪#LikeRainOnYourWeddingDay‬‬‬‬ ‪#AFreeRideWhenYouveAlreadyPaid‬‬‬‬

My OCD compels me to add that none of these things are actually ironic. ‪#TheGoodAdviceThatYouJustDidntTake‬‬‬ ‪#WhoWouldveThoughtItFigures‬‬‬‬‬

I’m so progressive that I don’t even say “manners.” If someone is polite, I congratulate them on their good womeners. ‪#Feminism‬‬‬‬

Boom! Clap! The sound of my heart. ‪#YouShouldSeeADoctor‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

Are we still saying “homophone?” Shouldn’t it be changed to “queerphone" or “lgbtphone?” It’s 2014 for God’s sake!

Saw a company truck with the slogan, “We treat your home as if it were our own.” My first thought was, “you have sex in my bed?!”

Let’s just call a spade a shovel.

I am dedicatted to the persute of perfecttion.

I’m a comedian for hire. Look for me at the back of your local Home Depot!

My new cologne? Oh, it’s called “Nacho Cheese" by Taco Bell. ‪#Class‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬ ‪#Sophistication‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬ ‪#Nachos‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬

When I’m mad at someone, I call them a "son of a son of a bitch." It really takes it to the next level when you call out their grandma.

Coffee is like the oxygen mask on an airplane–you should serve yourself first, and then tend to your children.

Today I overheard a teacher telling her students, “A peacock can’t fly because it’s weighed down by too many feathers.” #DroppingKnowledge

lukewarm (/ˈlo͞okwôrm/) - adj: temperature of a liquor store fridge

Some people wait until Thanksgiving to feed the homeless. Not me. #GivingCandyToHobos

I know I should go on a diet, but the gut wants what the gut wants.

My three-year-old just poked me in the stomach and asked, "is that getting bigger?” #DamnYouTacoBell

I was just told that I was “sufficiently funny.” #HighPraise

My three-year-old helped me pick out eggs at the store. He shook one next to his ear and said, “there’s no chickie in this one–it’s good.”

"Mr. Smartypants" is a dumb saying. I guess that makes sense, as the person who coined the phrase was presumably an angry moron.

I love my wife. She’s stuck with me through thin and thin.


You have to freak out about Ebola for at least 10 minutes per day or you’ll be at risk of contracting it.

You might recognize me from TV. Though that would be strange, as I’ve yet to appear on television.

I found Nemo, and that fish was DELICIOUS. #FishForLunch

Beauty Tip: Eat Cap'n Crunch cereal to exfoliate the roof of your mouth.

I got skills, it’s just that they don’t pay the bills.

Got pizza from Dominos. There were two orders for Ryan and the cashier didn’t know which one was mine. I told him I was the “handsome one.”

I don't think I have enough street cred to participate in Black Friday.

Instead of saying that something is “f*cking intense," I like to say it's "like camping on your honeymoon!”

Based on the high rating I gave to a Curious George cartoon, Google suggested I might enjoy Homeland. What?!

Tried Blue Apron tonight. So great! It's as time consuming and as difficult to make as a regular meal, but it costs way more!

Nobody cares about your “nobody cares about your stick figure family” bumper sticker.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You’re not going to like half of it, but it’s too late by the time you figure it out.

My mom told me that a lobotomy was when they take out someone’s brain and replace it with a banana. I believed it for YEARS.

I just want to print something without getting a notice that says I am running low on ink.

If I were a graffiti artist I would tag: "you're it.”

Just heard a foghorn. They really should change the sound to a looped recording that says, “Get a GPS!”

When I push a button on the phone to "proceed in English," I secretly hope the response will be, "Well 'ello gov'na! Fancy a spot of tea?”

My three-year-old son describing the difference between insects and people: “buggy-bugs don’t use Chapstick.”

Out of coffee this morning so I made myself a cup of tea. I felt like a heroine addict smoking a cigarette to try and get high.

Got stuck in an infinite cereal loop. Low on milk, refilled. Low on cereal, refilled. Then was low on milk, so I refilled. And on and on.

Did you know that no one ever took a photo of themselves before the year 2013? #Selfie

I'm a high stakes gambler. I get my hair cut at Great Clips.

Does anyone else find the term “blackmail” to be a little ridiculous? Can you imagine someone being arrested and charged with “whitefemale?”

Being a leader is overrated. Follow me! @ryandangersims

Tried Skittles Riddles candy. It was like a party in my mouth. A disgusting, fruit punch and laundry detergent flavored party.

I’m so old school. #poundsign

I’m just as fancy as Iggy Azalea, it’s just that people don’t already know.

When I order iced tea at a restaurant and the server asks if I'd like some sugar, I like to act scandalized and exclaim, "I'm married!”

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