Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Putting Songs on Blast! #5 (Cash Money Edition)

SONG: Started From The Bottom
LYRIC: "Started from the bottom now we're here."

Drake grew up in a wealthy neighborhood in Canada. His dad was a drummer for Jerry Lee Lewis. Drake was on a TV show after being hooked up by his friend’s dad (who was a talent agent). His success is a real Polos to riches story. I guess “started from the upper middle now we're here” just doesn’t have as nice of a ring to it.

SONG: Beverly Hills
ARTIST: Weezer
LYRIC: "My automobile is a piece of crap . . . got nothing in my pocket. Beverly Hills! That's where I want to be! Beverly Hills! Rolling like a celebrity!"

Apparently the intention of the song is to make fun of rich Hollywood culture. The problem is that Rivers Cuomo IS rich Hollywood culture. I know he started out as a kind of alternative nerd hero, but he's rich and famous now. I miss Blue Album Cuomo.

SONG: Budapest
ARTIST: George Ezra
LYRIC: "My house in Budapest. My hidden treasure chest. Baby if you hold me then all of this will go away."

Let me get this straight. If the girl hooks up with you, you'll give away all your riches? What kind of incentive is that? Even if the girl isn't materialistic I'd argue that there isn't a person alive who wouldn't enjoy a hidden treasure chest.

I do have to give Ezra credit though for not pronouncing it BudapESHHt.
That shit drives me crazy.

Monday, April 27, 2015


I'd like to think that I'm pretty "hip." I'd even go so far as to call myself "streets ahead." But even someone as cool me gets flummoxed when trying to decipher those damn texting acronyms (LOL right?!).

While looking up text terms I found this handy resource. It seems legit, except for the "alternate definitions" which seem particularly problematic. Check out the secondary definitions for number 4 and number 7. Don't want to mix those ones up. . . .

Here's one more reference I found while researching a blog post.

I like to imagine Ron Burgundy reading it aloud. "Mama is a lady. And that's very clear."

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Someone likes bacon even more than me

Woman gets 3-7 years for shooting over bacon-less burger
Associated Press (article excerpt) - April 21, 2015

A Michigan woman has been sentenced to three to seven years in prison for opening fire at a McDonald's restaurant after workers twice failed to put bacon on her burgers.

Authorities say 30-year-old Shaneka Torres became angry in February 2014 when the first burger she ordered at the restaurant's drive-up station was missing bacon. She was offered a free meal, but bacon also wasn't added to a second burger order.

Police say she fired a shot through the restaurant. No one was injured.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Glee glee glue glee gleck

(I asked my three-year-old to come up with a title for this post.)

I don't know what's worse. The fact that this store has unmarked "charity" boxes at the end of their checkstands, or that people are DONATING to the unmarked boxes. What is going on here?

My new business plan is to plant a bunch of boxes like this all over town. I give my personal guarantee that 100% of all proceeds will go to a really cool guy who could use the money. Just think: For the price of a cup of coffee, you could give me enough money for a cup of coffee!

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Putting Songs on Blast! #4

SONG: Hate It Or Love It
ARTIST: Game (feat. 50 Cent)
LYRIC: "Sittin' in the Range, thinkin' how they spend 30 million dollars on airplanes, when there's kids starvin'."

While I applaud your charitable sentiment, I can't help but think how many kids you could have fed if you'd have chosen a sensible Camry over that Range Rover you're sitting in.

SONG: Blessings
ARTIST: Big Sean (feat. Drake and Kanye West)
LYRIC: "I haven't had a good time in a long time, you know I, I'm way up I feel blessed!"

I'm getting a bit of a mixed message here, Drake. . . .

SONG: Somebody
ARTIST: Natalie La Rose (feat. Jeremih)
LYRIC: “I wanna leave with somebody, and we ain't gotta tell nobody."

This whole song is a disaster, but this lyric is probably the worst. If you ignore the double negative, Jeremih (God it hurts to type that name) is saying that he's not going to tell anyone they hooked up. How many women out there are excited by the prospect that the man she's hooking up with isn't going to tell anybody? Is this a thing?

SONG: Centuries
ARTIST: Fall Out Boy
LYRIC: "You will remember me, remember me for centuries!"

Jokes on you, bro. I'll be dead way before then.

Friday, April 10, 2015

Putting Songs on Blast! #3

SONG: One More Night
ARTIST: Maroon 5
LYRIC: "There you go again, there you go again, making me love You-hoo."

Okay, we get it, you love chocolate flavored drinks. Do you really have to howl about it? I hope they're paying you a lot for that endorsement.

SONG: Sweater Weather
ARTIST: The Neighbourhood
LYRIC: "I hate the beach, but I stand in California with my toes in the sand."

You know what I hate? Americans who spell "neighborhood" with a "u" to appear cultured and cool. Also, if you don't like the beach, maybe you should get the F*CK OUT OF CALIFORNIA! Phew! Glad I got that off my chest.

SONG: Bitch Better Have My Money
ARTIST: Rihanna
LYRIC: “Bitch better have my money! Please don't call me on my bluff. Pay me what you owe me."

This whole song is supposed to show how badass Rihanna is. She threatens that she has someone's wife in the back of her car while making gunshot sounds, etc. You know, basic "wildin' out" shit. The problem is that she appears to not understand what the word "bluff" means.

SONG: Only
ARTIST: Nicki Minaj (feat. Chris Brown, Drake and Lil Wayne)
LYRIC: "If you lame and you know it be quiet."

What if you're lame and you don't know it? Like, let's say you're singing a song with the lyrics, "if you lame and you know it be quiet." Will you shut up then?

Tuesday, April 07, 2015

National Beer Day

Apparently there's such thing as "National Beer Day," and that day is today. Go get some champagne and celebrate!

Click the image below to view a large map showing (almost) every country's most popular beer.

Sunday, April 05, 2015

Putting Songs on Blast! #2

SONG: Tongue Tied
ARTIST: Grouplove
LYRIC: "Let's bump the beats 'till beddy-bye."

This song isn't deep, but it has kind of a catchy beat. I thought it was okay until I heard the lyric "bump the beets 'till beddy-bye" (and threw up in my mouth).

SONG: Blank Space
ARTIST: Taylor Swift
LYRIC: "I can read you like a magazine."

I like this song, but the expression is supposed to be "I can read you like a BOOK." I know I sound like an old man here, but it bothers me that these millennial whippersnappers won't read anything that's not accompanied by a bunch of glossy photos.

I guess it could be worse. She could have said, "I can read you like a tweet."

SONG: Heart of Gold
ARTIST: Neil Young
LYRIC: “I've been to Hollywood. I've been to Redwood. I crossed the ocean for a heart of gold.”

These are the only places Neil says he's searched for a "heart of gold." Maybe he should try somewhere outside of California? I know he says he's "crossed the ocean," but based on his limited knowledge of geography he may have just swam across Lake Tahoe.

SONG: Four Five Seconds
ARTIST: Rihanna (feat. Paul McCartney and Kanye West)
LYRIC: "I'm Four Five Seconds from wildin'."

Sir Paul McCartney helped write this song. Are we supposed to believe that the 72-year-old writer of "Good Day Sunshine" is on the verge of "wildin' out?" What would that even look like?

SONG: A Sky Full of Stars
ARTIST: Coldplay
LYRIC: “You're a sky full of stars. 'Cause in a sky full of stars I think I see you.”

So you think you saw her inside of herself, because she's herself? WHAT IS THIS CRAP?!

Saturday, April 04, 2015

Putting Songs on Blast! #1

Anyone who knows me knows that I looove to make fun of songs. I've decided to share my sarcastic comments on popular songs in a series I'm calling "Putting Songs on Blast!" Please know that my making fun of a song does not mean I do not like the song; some of these songs are great! (Though to be honest, most of the songs are trash.)

SONG: I Don't Mind
ARTIST: Usher (feat. Juicy J)
LYRIC: "Your body rock and your booty poppin’, I’m proud to call you my bitch."

I think everyone in life is looking for that special someone who's "proud to call them their bitch."

SONG: Thinking Out Loud
ARTIST: Ed Sheeran
LYRIC: "And darling I will be loving you 'til we're 70."

After that you're on your own.

SONG: Not For Long
ARTIST: B.o.B (feat. Trey Songz)
LYRIC: "I wanna show you off like a trophy car, ‘cause anything is better than nothing at all.”

And they say romance is dead.

SONG: Dark Horse
ARTIST: Katy Perry (feat. Juicy J)
LYRIC: "She ride me like a roller coaster. Turned the bedroom into a fair."

Like with agricultural exhibits and livestock auctions? Is there a 4-H club involved?!

Thursday, April 02, 2015

How embarrassing for you!

As far as I know, I've April fooled you FOUR TIMES IN A ROW (2012, 2013, 2014, and 2015)! This is getting ridiculous. The fan club I linked to yesterday isn't even one of the Mario Lopez fan clubs I belong to! How embarrassing for you.

Better luck next year!

Wednesday, April 01, 2015

This blog has moved

Due to hosting issues this blog has been moved. From now on all entries will be posted here. Please update your bookmarks accordingly.