Sunday, January 30, 2011

Gate rant

Okay, so you know those gates that guard "gated communities" like apartment complexes and condos? I have an opinion about those gates.

Let's say you are going to rob a house.* The gates are not a deterrent. All you would have to do is wait in your moving van until some sucker comes along to enter the code and let you in. Imagine, however, how stressful it would be to have to wait for someone to enter a code to let you out. Configuring the gates this way would also be better for emergencies. Usually emergency responders have to manually pull the gates open, wasting precious seconds or even minutes. If the gates opened without a code on the way in, there would be no delay in treatment.

*Note to current and future employers: This is a hypothetical situation. I have no intention of committing grand larceny. I may consider petty larceny if I can't afford to buy food, but really employer, whose fault is that?

Friday, January 21, 2011

I've been living a lie

Like anyone with half a brain, I've devoted my entire life to following my horoscope. Every morning I check my forecast and strictly adhere to every warning and suggestion. Imagine my horror then when I discovered that I've been following the wrong instructions! Apparently, in the 3,000 years since the start of astrology, the Earth's tilt has changed. I've been skipping through life thinking I was a weird schizophrenic man-twin (Gemini) when I am in fact a moderately priced mid-sized sedan (Taurus).

While I'm shocked that the scientific geniuses who follow astrology didn't figure this out sooner, I'm happy to be finally living my life according to my true path. Check out the new horoscope dates.

Capricorn: Jan. 20 - Feb. 16
Aquarius: Feb. 16 - March 11
Pisces: March 11- April 18
Aries: April 18- May 13
Taurus: May 13- June 21
Gemini: June 21- July 20
Cancer: July 20- Aug. 10
Leo: Aug. 10- Sept. 16
Virgo: Sept. 16- Oct. 30
Libra: Oct. 30- Nov. 23
Scorpio: Nov. 23- Nov. 29
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29- Dec. 17
Sagittarius: Dec. 17- Jan. 20

Here are my (old and new) life instructions for today according to Click the image if you would like to make it larger.

If I hadn't learned my correct sign I'd be spending my day talking with friends and sharing a romantic evening with my partner like a sucker. Instead I'm off to buy a bunch of crap to decorate my apartment and adopt a pack of wayward pit bulls!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Guinness rant

If I had a Guinness for every time somebody told me that drinking Guinness "weighs them down," or that they can only drink one or two because they "get too full" I would be dead (from alcohol poisoning). Guinness Draught has only 125 calories per 12 ounce serving. To give you a reference for comparison, Budweiser has 145 calories and Coors has 149. Guinness is practically a light beer people!