Monday, April 25, 2016

Devilish Instagrams

Satan drives a very practical car. #Comedy #Jokes #PointsMe

A photo posted by Ryan Danger Sims (@ryandangersims) on



Let's see, I'm supposed to tighten the harness and . . . OH MY GOD THAT KID IS GOING TO KILL ME! #Comedy #Jokes #PointsMe

A photo posted by Ryan Danger Sims (@ryandangersims) on

Friday, April 22, 2016

The definitive answer to a philosophical question

"If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"

Yes. The tree makes a sound. It's called science, bro. Also, what kind of egomaniac decides that a falling tree doesn't make a sound unless they're around to hear it?!

Happy Earth Day!

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Something crazy is going on in the world of children's books

One of the books I read with my kids is Animals in the Jungle (written by Charles Reasoner and illustrated by Sarah Pitt). At the risk of getting sued for copyright infringement I'm going to post the text from this book in its entirety.

**Warning: major spoilers ahead!**
"Lion, monkey, elephant, parrots, toucan, gorilla, giraffe, snake, crocodile, lion."

How is this Charles dude getting credit as a writer?! I imagine the conversation between the publisher and the illustrator as going something like this:

PUBLISHER: "We love your illustrations for the new book, Sarah!"
SARAH: "Thanks. Have you decided on an author yet?"
PUBLISHER: "Um . . . we were thinking you could just write the names of the animals beneath the pictures?"
SARAH: (sobbing) "I'M ILLITERATE!"



Thursday, April 14, 2016

Time flies when you're having fun!

I just realized that my wife and I have been together for longer than we lived before becoming a couple! I don't usually post personal stuff on this blog, but I want to say that my wife is the best thing that ever happened to me and I love her very much!

Wednesday, April 06, 2016

A man and his dog

A guy named Patrick Lenton (@PatrickLenton) recently went on a Twitter rant about his experience while playing the video game Skyrim. I converted his tweets into paragraph form, using ellipses between the tweets to make it easier to read.

worst part of Skyrim was when I found that dog whose owner died in a cabin, and then I of course had to adopt the dog bc i'm not a monster . . . and I f*cking love this dog, but i'm wondering around trying to solve quests and save the world and junk, but this good dog . . . this good dog always tries to help out fighting giants and dragons, and it's like 'NO DON'T HURT MY DOG' . . . and i have to fight like 300% harder to save my dog from being eaten by a dragon and i've honestly never been so anxious

so then I find out that I can build a homestead and my dog can live there, so the next four days of my life are building shit . . . while bandits and dragons still attack my dog while i'm bloody mining ore and building a goddamn solarium for my pooch . . . and then the dog won't stay in the house, and I discover I have to adopt a child first, and the child has to like my dog

so i go to an orphanage, to discover they are being mistreated by an evil woman, so I kill her . . . but then I can't adopt a child any more because they are free! So I wander Skyrim looking for a parent-free child somewhere . . . and I don't even like children

and then finally I find some girl begging in Whiterun, and she's all like 'thanks Mum!' (I play a lady cat-wizard) . . . and then I discover that the girl WON'T MOVE INTO MY HOUSE BECAUSE I DIDN'T MAKE A PROPER BED FOR HER . . . SO I DECIDE TO BUILD A NEW HOUSE, ON A F*CKING LAKE BECAUSE I FIGURE IT WILL BE A GOOD PLACE TO RAISE CHILDREN OR WHATEVER . . . BUT FIRST I HAVE TO BECOME A THANE OF FALKREATH AND DO ALL THESE QUESTS TO HELP PEOPLE BEFORE THEY GIVE ME A PLOT OF LAND

and my dog is STILL following me around STILL nearly dying in every fight, and I'm just a tense, scared motherf*cker

anyway, then I meet another goddamn dog on the road, but it's a f*cking demon dog, and it comes with me too . . . and it's like - months have passed by in the game, the world is being invaded by dragons, and I'm just focused on real estate . . . finally i build my new lakefront house, and go find my daughter (who has been living on the streets for about two months) . . . it's like - LITERALLY, beggars can't be choosers, but bc i didn't make a nice bed for her, she sleeps on a bench in Whiterun

and she moves in to my house, which is right next to a cave of wolves and a necromancers summoning circle, but whatev . . . and I walk into the house, with my goddamn dog, waiting for her to adopt my dog so I can go save the world . . . and she's ADOPTED A F*CKING RAT . . . THERE IS THIS GORGEOUS, BRAVE DOG WHO JUST WANTS TO SETTLE DOWN IN FRONT OF A HEARTH . . . AND SHE'S FLOUNCING AROUND WITH A GIANT RAT

in the meantime, I get married to a lady named Mjoll the Lioness, bc she's hot to trot and will be a good lesbian mother . . . and weirdly, her 'friend' Aerin, moves into our house too . . . and it's like - do we have a polyamorous relationship and are raising our homeless daughter and her rat? bc that's cool

so I'm like 'i'll go and find a brother for my new daughter' and he can adopt the dog. Hopefully . . . and it works out - the boy wants my dog, my dog likes the boy, everything is fine, the dog has been successfully adopted . . . and finally i can go back to being the saviour of Tamriel.

although I then discover that Mjoll's "friend" Aerin keeps yelling 'stupid dog' at my gorgeous dog . . . so I waited until he was outside and I try to make him f*ck off back to his OWN HOUSE . . . my theory was that I could shout him into the lake? anyway, I misjudged and shouted him into the necromancer circle . . . and he died

and my wife saw me kill him, and attacked me, and I didn't want to kill her, so i ran away . . . so I just never went back to my house, but even though I destroyed my marriage and killed a man . . . i know that my dog is safe. THE END. THANK YOU

Friday, April 01, 2016

Which Kardashian are you?

I found a site that automatically calculates which Kardashian you most resemble (based on recent browsing history).