Wednesday, December 04, 2019

Cuckoo Bananas

There are all sorts of stories out there of actors doing crazy things on set, but in my opinion this story about Wesley Snipes on the set of Blade 3 (from Cracked.comtops them all. Enjoy.



Method acting can be a useful tool when you're playing, say, a man who has lost everything and just wants his family back. It's not so useful when you're playing a vampire/human hybrid who hunts other vampires and decapitates people with swords -- especially if your idea of a vampire hunter is actually "someone who smokes weed all day." If it wasn't obvious already, we're talking about Wesley Snipes in the Blade movies, most of which he apparently spent alternately pretending he was a real vampire and getting baked.

Cracked favorite Patton Oswalt recently addressed rumors that Snipes not only had stayed in character all the time during shooting of Blade 3: Trinity, but had also been stoned as hell. Snipes apparently spent all day smoking weed in his trailer and refusing to come out. As a result, they had to rely on stand-ins to shoot most of his scenes, and then simply used close-ups of Snipes for the reaction shots. And by reaction shots, we mean Snipes' emotionless face grunting or saying "Mmm" to everything, which was due to a combination of not knowing what he was reacting to and having the mental agility of a Phish concertgoer.

So, in the movie, many of Ryan Reynolds' funniest lines to Blade were included simply because Snipes wasn't there when he said them -- Reynolds was able to just improvise the most ridiculous stuff, knowing that the movie would always cut to a shot of a stoic Blade saying, "Mmm."

When Snipes did bother to leave his trailer, he spent his time making friends on the set: One time he sat down with director David Goyer and told him he sucked at his job and should quit. When Goyer replied that maybe Snipes should be the one to quit since they could always shoot the rest of the film with the stand-ins, Snipes snapped and tried to strangle the director.

After the assassination attempt failed, Goyer paid a bunch of bikers he had met at a strip club to pose as his security team and drop by the set one day to scare Snipes. The prank worked, as Snipes never got near Goyer again, instead communicating with him via Post-it notes ... which he signed, "From Blade."

Sunday, November 17, 2019

R is for RedHanded [and Rikers]

My current favorite podcast is RedHanded. If you are into true crime and/or comedy this show is a diamond in the rough. The hosts strike a perfect balance; being respectful of the subject matter while offering clever and hilarious commentary on the side.



On a recent episode the hosts mentioned that Rikers Island Prison has a Yelp page. I went to check it out and it did not disappoint. Here are a few of the more entertaining reviews:



"3 hots and a cot, 24 hour security, view of Manhattan and the water, what more can you ask for. All for the very competitive price of free! All fees paid for by your hardworking taxpayers."

"Not a bad place for a short stay. Close to La Guardia airport. Kind of hard to get a taxi though. Swimming is dangerous. Guards don't want you to leave."

"This was the first time I went to an escape room. Didn't know what to expect but the staff was going all in. This was a VERY challenging game. Looked for clues everywhere to no avail and it took forever to solve the puzzles and get out. The difficulty level was above my level but at least food was included. This place is only for the hard core escape room enthusiasts!"

Wednesday, November 13, 2019

CoD Mobile

I've been having a blast playing Call of Duty Mobile lately. Despite not having played CoD on a console for a few years, I have to say that I'm doing pretty dang good on my phone. Just yesterday I got 31 consecutive kills without dying! Also, it's free to play. If you've been out of the game for a while, I highly encourage you to download the app and check it out!







UPDATE 11/14/19:

I just got 44 out of the required 50 kills for my team while shooting at 95.7% accuracy. I'm killin' the game!

Tuesday, October 01, 2019

Kravitz Glasses

Last week Lenny Kravitz lost his sunglasses. I created the parody account @KravitzGlasses on Twitter and it BLEW. UP. 😎

My original tweet got thousands of likes and my jokes were featured in dozens of news articles, spanning the globe. I also got the pleasure of hearing a joke I wrote being read aloud on the evening news.





Here are links to just a few of the news articles which feature my parody account:

CBS News    |    ABC News    |    NBC News

CNN    |    The Sacramento Bee    |   NME

Invision    |    Tónica    |    Global News

Tuesday, September 03, 2019

Nicholl Fellowship Quarterfinalist

I am excited to announce that a comedy feature I wrote was chosen as a Quarterfinalist in the 2019 Academy Nicholl Fellowships in Screenwriting competition.


The same people who put on the Oscars, people!


For those not familiar with the Nicholl, it is the most prestigious screenwriting competition there is. They received over 7,300 scripts and mine was in the top 5%. I'm not usually one to brag, but while I'm at it I might as well post some stellar comments I received from their readers. 😎




"I found myself laughing out loud several times."

"There are such sharp lines of dialogue."

"It kept me engaged throughout."

"The tone, pacing, and structure are all solid. And the writing style is very readable."

"All told, this was fun to read. And that’s all I can really ask of a script."

"A charming and funny story."

"There’s a lot of heart here."

"The craft is really solid, with strong description and dialogue."

"The characters are well-written and emotionally resonant."

"A good read."

"The writer's voice shines most in those laugh out loud lines of dialogue, as well as the point of view reflected by the characters in their thankless jobs."

"There is some real appeal to this comic concept."

"The voices and dialogue worked, and the description was lean and easy to follow."

"The (main characters) are a great quartet, all with distinct personalities and dialogue, and there’s much amusement to be had in their attempts to be friends."

Sunday, August 11, 2019

RDS IRL

I realize that people I haven’t met in real life might assume I look crazy based on my driver’s licenses. So, here’s a photo of my actual face (taken today). Hopefully you won’t walk away thinking “he looked so much better on his ID.”

Thursday, August 01, 2019

Hot off the press!

Check out my latest driver's license. Click here to see the collection I started in 1999.

Thursday, July 04, 2019

Happy 4th!

May you have as much fun as Phyllis and the morons!

Monday, June 17, 2019

My favorite advice on writing

"Always...stop when you are going good and when you know what will happen next. If you do that every day when you are writing...you will never be stuck."

– Ernest Hemingway

Friday, May 03, 2019

Meanwhile, on Nextdoor

Brian has a complaint.

Wednesday, April 10, 2019

Facebook is dead, long live Blogger!

I've permanently deleted my Facebook account! I'm sure I'll need to set another one up in the future to monitor my kids activity and/or retain my rights of citizenship to the United States, but for now I am happy. To celebrate I am posting excerpts from a quiz I took on the platform back when Facebook was fun I had an account.


What time did you get up this morning?
Whenever the gardener decided to start blowing leaves outside my window.

How do you like your steak?
Free.

What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
At the cinema? None. I have never been to England.

What is your favorite cuisine?
Do nachos count as a cuisine?

What did you have for breakfast?
A hangover.

Favorite dressing?
A flowing evening gown with a nice lacy trim.

Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
I would like to read God's answers to this quiz.

Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
I'm halfway done with this questionnaire!

What did you want to be when you were little?
I was never little.

Are you a cat or dog person?
Depends on how many drinks I've had. Know what I'm saying people?

Always wear your seat belt?
Yes, even when I am not in the car.

Been in a car accident?
Have I ever!

Do anything spontaneous lately?
Spontaneous is my middle name.

How many tattoos do you have?
None . . . that I know of.

How many are you tagging for this quiz?
I'm spray painting a wall right now.

Friday, March 22, 2019

I have some reservations . . .

Recently we got a cat. I have never been a "cat person," but I gotta live up to my middle name every once in a while and take a risk.

The adoption place gave us some cat magazines along with the cat, which is a great way to scare the shit out of a new cat owner. Although I'm not a crazy cat person yet, I am intrigued by this ad. WHAT SECRETS DOES THIS FURRY SHAMAN HOLD?

Thursday, February 14, 2019

Psycho Riddle

Want to find out if someone you know is a psychopath? If they give the "correct" answer to this riddle, they just might be!

While at her own mother's funeral, a woman meets a guy she doesn't know. She thinks this guy is amazing — her dream man — and is pretty sure he could be the love of her life. However, she never asked for his name or number and afterwards could not find anyone who knows who he was. A few days later the girl kills her own sister. Why?

Click the comments link below for the answer!

Wednesday, January 09, 2019

Puzzleart

Lately I've been working with my kids to put together a 1,000 piece puzzle. I forgot how fun puzzles can be!

Speaking of puzzles, check out this work by artist Tim Klein. Klein (inspired by Mel Andringa) takes mass-produced puzzles that are created with the same die-cut patterns and mixes them up to create surreal works of art. Click the images to enlarge!











Tuesday, January 01, 2019

New year, new cards

Check 'em out!