Wednesday, November 09, 2022

Free hot chocolate!

Hello and happy merry whatever you celebrate! I want to share something that I recently heard from my children, which I immediately dismissed as BS, until I was harangued into sitting in an In-N-Out drive-thru line, only to discover that my kids were actually telling the truth, prompting a well deserved "I told you so."

Monday, September 19, 2022

Room Letter #2

I got a lot of positive responses to my last room parent email, so I thought I'd post them here from now on. Hope you enjoy, and if you don't please don't' let me know!


We're baaaaackk

Q: What do you call a fly with no wings?
A: A walk.

Hello!

I promise to keep this one short and sweet(ish). I even put the topics in a numbered list to be real organized-like!

1. Thank you for those of you who donated to our room fund. Unfortunately, we have only received a few donations thus far. In an effort to fix this, we have decided to release one name per week of those who have not yet contributed. We are calling this the "Name of Shame Challenge" and I think it's going to be real popular! JUST KIDDING. Please donate what you can as it all goes to a good cause! You can Venmo, or pretend you're a housewife in the 1970's and bring a handwritten check to the classroom.

2. We need two volunteers to help out with Science Lab. Please let us know if you are able to help. You will need to provide a negative TB test result to be a helper on campus this year, so please sort that mess out beforehand. I know that Val Kilmer made tuberculosis look super cool in Tombstone, but in real life it is a big no no. You can get tested at your local CVS and it's covered by most insurance providers. I can also stab you in the arm with a thumbtack for $10 while saying "I'm your huckleberry," but I'm not sure the front office will accept my paperwork.

3. We are still looking for volunteers for our awesome PLINKO booth! Sign up! Just do it! All your friends are doing it. The first sign up is free! Don't think about it just sign it!

Sincerely,

McGregillyims

P.S. Why did the cow cross the road? Tune in next time for the answer!

Tuesday, September 13, 2022

Hello from the three room moms and one room dude!

I have taken on the job of co-room parent for my daughter's class this year. My first assignment was to compose an email asking parents to contribute to our room. Here are two things you need to know in order to get the best out of the reading.

1. My daughter has two teachers who have combined their last names into one (i.e. Smith + Johnson = Smithson).

2. I redacted personal information for privacy reasons, and also because it made me feel like a spy.



Hello wonderful families!

With the help of my daughter, I am going to start every email with a joke: “What do you call a fly with no wings?” (Tune in next time for the answer!)

My name is Ryan Sims and I am one of your four room moms people this year. The other room moms include [names redacted]. While they are all decidedly more beautiful ladies than I am, I happen to write the words real good and therefore have been chosen to author our email messages this year. Inspired by the combination of names used by our fabulous teachers, I have decided that the four of us shall henceforth be (collectively) known as Lamillygregims [Lam-illy-greg-ims]. Be sure to say hi when you see any of us on campus!

I think we can all agree that our classroom is an awesome place for our little ones to learn and thrive. It’s like we are all part of one big family, supporting our kiddos through their 2nd/3rd grade experience. And like any family, there is that one dirtbag cousin who’s always asking for money. I am that dirtbag cousin.

Which brings us to our first order of business. As the 90s’ rap supergroup The Wu-Tang Clan would (sort-of) say: C.R.E.A.M. or Cash Rules Everything Around Mrs. [teacher’s names redacted]. We all love and appreciate the hard work that both of our teachers and both of their aides do and what better way to show them love than to put up some cold hard cash? In all seriousness though, we are collecting money from every parent in order to provide our teachers and aides with birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, and an end of year gift for all. In addition to this, we are going to create a Carnival basket and need your support to make it extra awesome.

We are asking that each family donate $75 to the cause. (This is not mandatory, and if you cannot flip the whole bill you are welcome to give what you can.) Please do not give your cash directly to me as I will undoubtedly gamble it away at the local dog track. You can either Venmo, or drop a check off to our teachers.

Our second order of business is our Carnival Booth! If you’ve been at our school for a while, you know that signing up for one of the shifts to run a carnival booth is like the last round of shots you shouldn't have taken at the bar. At first you take the shot (sign up) thinking “I feel great and this is a great idea!” Then the morning (carnival) rolls around and you’re filled with regret thinking “why would I ever think that was a good idea?! Is it too late to call in sick?”

Well not this year, people! We have (drumroll please) the PLINKO booth!!! This booth is by far the most popular booth at the ‘val (I’m test running a short version of the word Carnival here. Try it out, it’s fetch.). It is also the easiest booth to run. Are you able to hold out your hand and give someone a game chip in exchange for a ticket? Then you can do this job! The more people that sign up, the easier it will be on all of us. And honestly this is the bare minimum in terms of helping, people! It’s the “taking the email writing job” of your room mom group.

Sign up today, I promise you won’t regret it!

I know this thing is long (and no, I will not be taking the bait here and making a base “that’s what she said” joke because this is a parent email thread and it would be totally inappropriate), but there is a lot of info to share so get your mind out of the gutter and please keep reading!

Angela would probably have me hunted down if I didn’t mention that there is a Fall Donation Drive going on now. Our school is amazing, and a big part of that is due to what this program provides. Our art teacher, music teacher, the Science Lab and more are all 100% funded by the program, so donate today! It’s like donating to NPR but without getting a dumb classical music CD that you can’t even put in your car to play because it’s a freaking CD and who listens to classical music anyway unless they are trying to make their baby a genius?

Also, please become a PTA member. I think we can all agree that attending PTA meetings is boring at worst and tedious at best, but it is a necessary group of devoted people who are advocating for the parents at our school. You don’t have to sit through the meetings, but you should become members because they need that sweet moolah to do great things for our kids.

I think that about covers it. Thank you for reading until the end and have a fantastic day!

Sincerely,

Lamillygregims

Tuesday, September 06, 2022

We shopped 'till I almost dropped

Last October my wife Debbie and I were on a primetime gameshow!!! We were on Season 2, Episode 5 of Supermarket Sweep hosted by Leslie Jones.

It originally aired on ABC and is currently available on Hulu. Although we are in the second half, I recommend watching the whole thing to get a feel for the game before we are on. If you see me in person I'm happy to tell the story!



P.S. Leslie Jones is an angel.

Wednesday, August 24, 2022

Taste the lime bro

I just bought my first bag of Skittles in nine years. If you've been following this blog then you know that for most of my life, Skittles was (were?) my favorite candy. Then in 2013, they replaced the original lime flavored green Skittles with barf-flavored™ imposters. I raged against the machine for a few years and eventually gave up on being able to ever taste the true "original" lineup again.

Until today.


Skittles has now gone on an apology tour. I can't bring myself to watch the entire video, but I'd be surprised if they didn't mention my haiku.

Wednesday, July 27, 2022

About Me

I was recently asked to make a collage representing my hobbies and interests for a project I'm doing. I thought I'd post it here so that once I blow up I can save future stalkers from having to go through my trash. 
 

Monday, June 20, 2022

Hi I’m Ryan, and my life . . . is kinda crazy.

(This title is from a TikTok meme, but in my case it's actually true.)

Since I stopped regularly posting to this blog I have been on a primetime gameshow,* I found (and looted) a shipwreck a mile off the shore of Long Beach, I was asked to submit a comedy writer packet to The Late Show with Stephen Colbert and I finally made the decision to stop using the Oxford comma. We also adopted puppy and named him Bodhi (after Patrick Swayze’s character in Point Break).

I will post more soon, but wanted to catch everyone up so we're all on the same page. (I'm looking at you, Jim.)

*Card Sharks stopped filming, but the producers liked my application so much they put my wife and I on another show! I'll post details later.

Saturday, May 14, 2022

Don't call it a blogback, I've blogged here for years

(Also blogback isn't a word.)

I'm back, baby! Ryan Danger Sims has been BUSY. Not busy enough to abbreviate my name for this post, but BUSY. Stay tuned for updates!