Tuesday, December 18, 2012

A nice story for the holidays

Cop gives $100 to needy motorist
United Press International - December 12, 2012

A Plano, Texas, police officer wrapped a traffic ticket for an expired registration in a $100 bill after pulling over a man who was down on his luck.

Hayden Carlo said he was driving when an officer pulled him over for an expired registration. The father of two young children told the officer he had no excuse, except to admit he simply didn't have the money.

"You get paid, pay your bills, and there's your money. It's gone," Carlo told KTVT-TV, Dallas/Fort Worth. "I said 'there's no explanation for why I haven't done it, except I don't have the money.' I said 'it was either feed my kids or get my registration done.' "

The officer, who has asked to remain anonymous, handed Carlo a traffic ticket envelope. Inside was a $100 bill.

Carlo said he's been able to update both his and his wife's registration with the money and is driving back and forth to a new job legally.

"He helped me out when I needed it and I appreciate that. I'll never forget that man," Carlo says. "It definitely restored my faith in God."

Saturday, December 01, 2012

Just a friendly reminder

Thursday, November 01, 2012

Dear Mike Birbiglia

Dear Mike Birbiglia,

I just finished reading your book Sleepwalk With Me, and I wanted to tell you that I thought it was great! In your book you write that you obsessively check Google Alerts for articles that mention your name, so I thought this would be a good way to get in touch with you. If you are reading this it would be really cool if you would write a comment on this post!

In order to make sure that it is the real Mike Birbiglia (and not some Mike Birbiglia poseur), I was thinking that we should have a password. Please use the word "zebra" in your comment - that way I'll know it's really you.


Ryan Danger Sims

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Check yourself before you wreck yourself

So I just opened a new checking account and sweet-talked the banker lady into giving me custom checks for free. Feast your eyes on my selection.

That's right, every check I write from here on out will say "DREAMS DO COME TRUE!" in big bold font, set against a striking leopard print background. You're welcome, America.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

The Secret

As many of you know, my life has been crazy lately (hence the lack of blog postings). I was about to give up hope, when I saw a package of WD-40 which put everything in perspective.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Cool label, good beer (#4)

Wednesday, August 08, 2012

One more (I couldn't resist)

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, "What's with the paper towel?" The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Animal jokes

I love the jokes in Reader's Digest. Most of them are not funny, but I am fascinated with the idea that somebody thought they were hilarious enough to publish them. Every once in a while I come across a joke that, as the editors of the magazine would say, "tickles my funny bone." Here are a few.

A man and his dog go to a movie. During the funny scenes the dog laughs. When there's a sad part, the dog cries. This goes on for the entire film: laughing and crying in all the right places.

After the show a man who was sitting in the row behind them comes up and says, "That was truly amazing!"

"It sure was," the dog owner replies. "He hated the book."

A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn't move.

"Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn't budge.

"Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer says, "Pull, Buddy, Pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch.

Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name.

"Buddy's blind," said the farmer. And if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

A guy finds a sheep wandering in his neighborhood and takes it to the police station. The desk sergeant says, "Why don't you just take it to the zoo?"

The next day, the sergeant spots the same guy walking down the street–with the sheep.

"I thought I told you to take that sheep to the zoo," the sergeant says.

"I know what you told me," the guy responds. "Yesterday I took him to the zoo. Today I'm taking him to the movies."

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Cool can cozy collection

It's just a start, but I think this is the beginning of a beautiful collection.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

My new toy

My wife got me a Ken doll for my birthday! It's jet black and about seven inches tall. I spent all day yesterday picking out accessories for it (my Ken doll looks fantastic in leather, by the way). I catch people staring at me when I play with it in public, but I just smile because I know they're jealous.

*Update: I've just been told that the name of my new toy is pronounced Kindle, not "Ken doll." Thanks for nothing, Blogger spell check.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

It's my birthday and I'll blog if I want to

(You would blog too if it happened to you)

Tomorrow is my birthday and I am really really excited and I got a few cards in the mail and I was supposed to wait until tomorrow to open them but I couldn't wait so I opened them and then I saw that I got some money and just had to spend a little so I went to the local beer shop and picked out a couple of twenty-twos to drink on my birthday and I came home and put them in the fridge but I was too excited to wait until tomorrow so I am trying one right now!!!

Did I mention that I'm excited about my birthday?

The beer that I am enjoying right now is called "Pliny the Elder." While buying it I was told that there was a limit of one per customer. Apparently the beer is so sought after that if they don't limit their sales, it would all be bought up immediately. So you can see why I would want to try it as soon as I got home. I'm happy to report that it is good. Hoppy with a crisp, citrusy finish. Did I mention that it's 8% ABV? Go out and track one down!

P.S. I'm feeling a little guilty about drinking so early in the day. I mean, it's four o'clock somewhere. . . .

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Innovative philanthropy

Man donates Kmart inventory to charity
United Press International (article excerpt) - May 18, 2012

A Kentucky businessman who purchased a closing Kmart store's entire inventory and donated it to charity said he hopes the deed inspires others to do good.

Rankin Paynter, the owner of a Winchester firm that buys up surplus goods, said he decided to purchase the closing store's entire inventory -- valued at about $200,000 -- upon learning the store would allow it on the last day of business and he soon decided to donate all of the merchandise to Clark County Community Services, a charity serving low and middle income families in the area, ABC News reported Friday.

"It makes me feel good [to give to charity]," Paynter said. "I come from real poor background. I'm talking really poor."

Paynter said he hopes the attention his donation is receiving will inspire others to give to charity.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

A (super) Sonic rant

The Sonic fast food chain markets itself as "America's Drive-In." I thought that going there would be a fun old fashioned drive-in experience à la American Graffiti. Instead, it turned out to be more like a scene from one of the Saw movies. (I haven't seen them, but I hear they're about people who go to restaurants and get bad service, right?) Anyway, here's what happened.

When I pulled up to the place I was excited - it definitely looked the part. There was a line of parking spots, each space outfitted with its own back-lit menu and shiny speaker-box. I pulled up and ordered a burger combo.

A few minutes later, a shifty looking slacker shuffled out to my car, carrying my food. I couldn't help but notice that he had a pair of roller skates slung over his shoulder. Now, I'm not an expert on old school drive-ins but I'm pretty sure he was supposed to be wearing the roller skates. Anyway, I digress. I eagerly grasped for the tray and asked how to secure it to my car door. He looked genuinely confused and stated that they were not allowed to let customers handle the trays. I asked if they had any type of place-mat or box that I could eat on, and he said "no." He handed me my food in a bag and walked off, leaving me to consider just what exactly was the difference between this "drive-in" and any other "drive through."

After pondering this existential dilemma I decided to go eat at a table in front of the building. I walked over, spread out my food, and realized that I had no ketchup. I got up and tried to go inside the restaurant to get some, but the door was locked. I could see employees inside, but nobody came to the door (I found out later that customers are not allowed inside). So, I had no choice but to trek back across the parking lot. I stood next to my car and awkwardly bent over the speaker-box to ask for some ketchup. The employee agreed to meet me back at my table and I set off to walk back across the lot. (I should mention that later in the meal I ran out of napkins, but I just used the paper bag. I didn't want to spend another five minutes walking back and forth through the parking lot.)

So it turned out to be a pretty far cry from my dream of an American Graffiti experience, unless you count the actual graffiti in the area of the restaurant. I mean, I wasn't expecting Harrison Ford to drive up wearing a cowboy hat (although that would have been awesome). I just thought that it would be at least as convenient as a freakin' drive through.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Gnarley post, brah!

Reuters News recently reported that Garrett McNamara just won the world record for surfing the largest wave ever ridden (a 78 footer)!

That's all fine and well, except that everyone knows that the late, great Bodhisattva rode the most humongous wave ever (in the middle of a 50 year storm, no less). So much for journalistic integrity, Reuters.

In related news, a real-life Johnny Utah is attempting to win a different (but equally bodacious) world record.

Man attempts to set world record fist-pumping 17 hours straight
Yahoo! News (article excerpt) - May 13, 2012

A 34-year-old unemployed man from Ohio attempted to set a Guinness World Record over the weekend by fist pumping for 17 hours straight.

James Peterson began the attempt on Friday morning, according to the Akron Beacon Journal, and was scheduled to end at 3 a.m. local time Saturday. Peterson, a self-described fist-pumping "veteran," was accompanied by a pair of videographers on his quest for the record--which included stops at bars in and around the University of Akron.

"I did this on St. Patrick's Day, but it was not documented," Peterson said, telling the paper that he super-glued his right fist closed "to ensure I maintain perfect fist formation."

Vaya con Dios, Peterson.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Spaghetti and skin horses

Earlier this week I took my wife out to dinner at the Spaghetti Factory. As anyone who has visited one of these restaurants knows, they have some crazy decor. When we arrived we were seated in a booth with a particularly weird painting. The portrait depicted a pale man-child casually leaning against a (stuffed?) pony, tiny whip in hand.

After ordering our appetizers a woman approached us and said that she "needed to take a picture of the painting." She then proceeded to take multiple snapshots of the thing, awkwardly leaning over our table in the process.

Once she left, we had a laugh and went on with our dinner. By this time, our drinks had arrived and I raised my glass to thank my wife for doing our taxes. I recited my toast (which I nailed by the way), and was just about to take a sip of my beer when the crazy lady appeared again. She interrupted us and frantically stated that she needed to take another photo. She explained that she had a "skin horse" at home, and would love to hang a photo of the painting above it. She took a few more shots while muttering to herself and then scurried back to wherever she came from.

And I thought the photo was disturbing. What the hell is a "skin horse," and what is this woman doing constructing some sort of shrine around one?!

I snapped a photo of the painting myself, so that my loyal blog fans could gaze upon it in all of its glory. Feel free to print a copy and hang it above your favorite taxidermied hobbyhorse!

Thursday, May 10, 2012


The ad department at Dave & Buster's has done it again. Check out their new enticing offer.

In addition to two $10 gameplay vouchers you get not one, not two, but FOUR boring dinners! It's a wonder this place is still in business.

Sunday, May 06, 2012

Top 5 unhealthy snacks (+ worst ever)

1. Ruffles Cheddar & Sour Cream Chips (w/Onion Dip)
2. Nestle Toll House Chocolate Chip Cookie Ice Cream Sandwich
3. Kraft Sharp Cheddar Easy Cheese (w/Ritz Crackers)
4. Mother's Circus Animal Cookies
5. Hostess Orange CupCakes

Worst: Peeps

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Friday, May 04, 2012

Top 5 healthy snacks (+ worst ever)

1. Jack Link's Original Beef Jerkey
2. CowPals Light String Cheese
3. Triscuit Reduced Fat Crackers
4. Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats Cereal (w/skim milk)
5. Thomas' Light Multi-Grain English Muffins (w/Just Fruit jam)

Worst: Banana Power Bar

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Thursday, May 03, 2012


1. It sucks when your laptop dies because you forgot to plug in both sides of the cord (it's plugged into the laptop or the wall, not both).

2. They should change the name of the "world famous" radio station KROQ to GDFF, because all they play is Green Day and Foo Fighters.

3. I hate it when people won't accept payment for an item when you're a penny short. Like when you try to buy something that costs $5.01 with a five dollar bill, and the checker won't budge until you pull out another dollar. I'm like, "get real, dude."

4. What's the deal with all the jerks walking around in the world? I mean, why do they have so be such jerks?!

Friday, April 20, 2012

Five o'clock rant

I have a real problem with the phrase, "it's five o'clock somewhere." Allow me to explain.

First of all, in order for the statement to be accurate, it can only be made on the hour.  The logic of this seems lost on most people.  Consider the popular country song "It's Five O'Clock Somewhere," by Alan Jackson. The chorus goes, "It's only half-past twelve but I don't care. It's five o'clock somewhere." Sorry A-Jax (nickname patent pending), it's actually five thirty somewhere.  And also, you're an idiot.

Secondly, if you want to have a drink before five, just do it and shut yer yap. I guarantee that anyone who'll judge you for getting sloshed during the day won't be swayed by your proclamation that that it's drinkin' time in Guam.

Monday, April 16, 2012

The jig is up

According to a recent Marest Poll, the most popular location for U.S. adults to hide money is in their freezer.

Out of the 1,080 people surveyed, 27% said they hide their money in their freezer, 19% said they stash it inside a sock, 11% said they have money in their mattress, and 10% said they keep cash in their cookie jar (which sounds extremely unsanitary).

Where do you stash your cash?  Leave an (anonymous) comment!

Friday, April 13, 2012

I was duped

Happy Friday the 13th!
(Remember to avoid people with hockey masks and knives today.)

It's kind of crazy that we have two fake holidays this month.  I should take this time to say that I'm sorry about my April Fools' Day prank. I know some of you went out and spent your life savings because of it.

It may make you feel better to know that I was tricked as well. While looking for blog-worthy material on the Internet I came across a concept car being debuted at the New York Auto Show.  MINI Cooper introduced their "Yachtsman" amphibious vehicle, and I was just about to write a post about it (and how much I wanted one).  After doing a little more research I discovered that it was an April Fools' hoax.  Apparently the MINI Cooper company went so far as to issue a false press release, construct a fake version of the vehicle, and showcase it in the auto show.  Awesome!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Top 5 fast-casual restaurants (+ worst ever)

1. Chipotle Mexican Grill
2. Daphne's Greek Cafe
3. Miguel's Jr.
4. Panda Express
5. Wahoo's Fish Taco

Worst: Quiznos

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Monday, April 09, 2012

Performance art

N.D. family loses a friend they never met
United Press International - April 8, 2012

A years-long mystery ended for a North Dakota family when they learned "Jim," who sent them post cards as if they were close friends, had picked them at random.

For the Olson family of Turtle Lake, the sad part was finding out that "Jim" was Jim Moore of Mankato, Minn., a complete stranger who started sending them post cards seven years ago, had died, the Minneapolis Star Tribune reported Sunday.

Fed up with only receiving bills and coupons in the mail, Moore had come to realize he missed receiving real, handwritten letters. So he got on the Internet and picked a random Midwestern town, and a random last name: Olson. So began his one-sided correspondence with Stan and Sheila Olson.

The Olsons would receive a postcard about three times a year, which was vague enough to make them think Jim was someone they had met before. The messages were brief, such as:

"Was in Paris and saw Francois and Emilie. They send their regards."

Sheila, 52, kept all of Jim's postcards in a box and soon friends and relatives were asking after Jim.

"Our kids have really grown up with this," she told the Star Tribune. "He wrote like he knew us. That was what was so funny."

In January, Moore, 38, passed away from complications of bile duct cancer. Moore's friend, Andrew Reeves, wrote to the Olsons to explain the postcards.

"Sadly, the art exhibition has closed," Reeves' note concluded. "No more postcards from Jim will randomly appear in the mail."

Sheila wrote back to give Reeves her condolences, and explain to him how Jim's postcards gave her family something to smile about.

"My dad had a quirky sense of humor, too," she said. "If he were alive, he would have tried this himself."

Friday, April 06, 2012

Happy spring!

Artist Steve Wheen turns ugly potholes into beautiful miniature gardens. Here are some of my favorite photos from his "guerrilla gardening" blog The Pothole Gardener.

Monday, April 02, 2012

Eww de Toilette

While going through airport security a few days ago, the guy in front of me was told that he couldn't bring his cologne on the plane. Then things got weird.

In a desperate attempt to "fight the power," the man proceeded to douse himself with the remainder of his bottle. I am not exaggerating when I say that he sprayed himself at least 80 times. Cologne was running down his face, neck, and chest as he struggled to eek out every last drop of fluid. Everyone in line tried to avoid eye contact with him, but it was clear that he saw himself as some kind of working man's hero. I honestly think he was expecting to be hoisted on the shoulders of his fellow travelers, smiling victoriously as people cheered him on for sticking it to The Man.

Here's a clandestine photo I snapped of the perfumed perpetrator with his stench spray. I feel sorry for whoever had to sit next to him on his flight!

Sunday, April 01, 2012


You won the lottery!!!

Yes, you actually won the $656 million Mega Millions jackpot - the biggest lottery in history! Apparently there was a mistake and those people that supposedly won didn't really win after all. Congratulations! Now call your boss and tell him to "suck it," then go max out all your credit cards on rich people stuff like Kawasaki jet skis and Grey Poupon!

Here is a composite image of what you will look like once you claim your prize (please adjust for gender, age, and/or race).

*Ha, ha! Sorry to be the one to break it to you, but you didn't actually win the lottery. You just fell victim to one of my classic April Fools' jokes. Don't feel too bad, I'm a master of deception.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Douche & Gabbana

Question: Is this guy really small or is his purse really big?

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

How to get kicked out of an Applebee's

Man arrested after karaoke stripping
United Press International - March 19, 2012

Florida authorities said they arrested a 28-year-old man who shed his clothing during a karaoke performance at a restaurant.

Sgt. Byron Barnes, a spokesman for the Melbourne Police Department, said Jeffrey Lee Thompson was singing during karaoke night at the Applebee's Restaurant early Monday and the manager tried to stop his performance when he began shedding his clothes, Florida Today reported Monday.

"He was intoxicated. It was karaoke night and he became very involved with his performance," Barnes said of Thompson. "He took his clothes off as he sang to the audience."

Barnes said Thompson punched the manager, knocking him to the floor, and a Palm Bay police officer working at the restaurant used a stun gun to subdue the suspect until police arrived.

Thompson was charged with battery and disorderly conduct.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Party like a patron saint

Check out the email ad I got from Dave and Buster's, encouraging me to celebrate St. Patrick's Day at one of their fine establishments.

Dude, St. Patrick was the bomb! No one partied harder than him. Sure, those rave kids at the bottom of the ad look pretty cool, but they gots nothin' on jolly old Saint Pat. He was a slave for six years and then went on to become an ordained bishop. How could anyone have more fun than that?!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Monday, March 12, 2012

"One in a million" rant

According to the U.S. Census Bureau's World Population Clock, at the time of this writing there are approximately 7,000,086,975 people on planet Earth. This means that when someone tells you that you're "one in a million," what they're actually saying is that there are 6,999 other people in the world who are exactly like you in every way.

I propose that from now on everyone should say, "you're one in seven billion eighty-six thousand nine hundred seventy-five." I admit it isn't as catchy, but at least it's a compliment.

Thursday, March 08, 2012

Ultimate collector's items

Type: Comic Book
Title: Action Comics No. 1
Value: $2.16 million

This comic features the first appearance of Superman. The near-pristine copy pictured below was stolen from actor Nicolas Cage in 2000. It was recovered in 2011 by a man who had bought the contents of an abandoned storage locker in San Fernando Valley.


Item: Baseball Card
Title: Honus Wagner T206
Value: $2.80 million

Production of the card was stopped quickly and only a few made it into circulation. Wagner refused to allow production of his baseball card because he didn't want children to buy cigarette packs in order to get it. The card is referred to as the "Gretzky Honus Wagner" because it was once owned by hockey legend Wayne Gretzky.


Item: Coin
Title: 1933 Gold Double Eagle
Value: $7.59 million

All of these coins were supposed to be destroyed when Roosevelt took America off the gold standard. A Mint cashier secretly switched a handful of them with earlier dated Double Eagles before they were melted down.


Item: Postage Stamp
Title: Treskilling Yellow
Value: $7.87 million

Printed in Sweden in 1855, this stamp is the only one of its kind. It is said to have been found by a Swedish schoolboy in 1885 among a pile of letters left by his grandparents. The stamp was supposed to be green, but was printed yellow by mistake. The tiny stamp (weighing just 0.03 grams) is thought to be the most valuable thing in existence by weight and volume.

Sunday, March 04, 2012

Fashion rant

Last week while watching the Oscars I saw actress Missi Pyle talking about her "eco-friendly" dress. At first I thought her outfit looked pretty good considering it was probably made from old soup cans, kitchen sponges, and dirty diapers. Then she revealed that what made her gown so "earth friendly" is that is was made with "cruelty-free silkworms." I shit you not. She assured viewers that no silkworms were harmed in the making of her dress.

When I heard this, my face made the exact same expression as the woman on the left of this photo. I'm just glad that the silkworms finally reached a collective bargaining agreement and can get back to work. I heard it got so bad that they couldn't even afford to buy the silk sheets they work so hard to produce.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

You can't make this stuff up

Man shot twice as he tries to shoot caged raccoon
Associated Press - February 27, 2012

A rural Redfield man is being treated for two gunshot wounds after an attempt to shoot a raccoon caught in a live trap backfired.

The Iowa Department of Natural Resources says 68-year-old Larry Godwin was using a 22-caliber handgun to shoot the caged raccoon at around 11 a.m. Saturday when the bullet ricocheted off the cage and struck him in the lower abdomen on the right side. He dropped the gun and it fired again, shooting him again in about the same spot.

He was taken to Mercy Medical Center in Des Moines by private vehicle.

The DNR says the injuries are not believed to be life threatening.

Friday, February 24, 2012

World's tiniest dude

A 72 year old guy from Katmandu is hoping to claim the Guinness record for being the world's shortest man. Chandra Bahadur Dangi is 22 inches tall (about the height of an infant)! Until recently he had never left his village and did not know that he was the smallest man on earth.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Foodie rant

It drives me crazy when people refer to themselves as "foodies." I get it, you really like food. Do you know who else likes food? Everyone on the freaking planet (with the exception of the idiot that I posted about yesterday). Again people, and I really can't stress this enough, you need food to live!

Monday, February 13, 2012

What an idiot

Check out this bumper sticker I saw yesterday.

What an idiot, right? I mean, last time I checked, if we don't have food then we all die. That's basic science, dude. Also, what the hell do you got against farms?! I mean, I'm no hippie, but I'm pretty sure we need farms to grow food. The same food which we need in order to live. You better check yourself before you wreck yourself, bro.

Thursday, February 09, 2012

Gmail/Apple rant

Gmail is constantly "updating" their interface and it's driving me crazy. When I signed up for the service I was excited about the simple, clean look and functionality. Since then Gmail has changed its format about a billion times. It seems like every time I log in the buttons are in a different place, and a bunch of new superfluous features have been added.

In my opinion, Gmail is suffering from the same problem that Apple has been experiencing over the last decade. Originally Apple created basic software like iMovie, which made movie editing much easier for the average computer user. Since then they have been gradually complicating the program by adding advanced features. While there is still a vast difference between iMovie and professional video editing programs like Final Cut Pro, Apple is moving away from what made it successful in the first place.

Apple and Gmail, stop while you still can! Keep your software user friendly and clutter free!

iMovie 1

iMovie 11

Monday, February 06, 2012

Itsy bitsy Uniform Resource Locator

I just found a cool web service called Tiny URL. It shortens long website addresses, making them easier to read and send via email. The service is free and the links are permanent. Here's an example.

Let's say you want to recommend a book to a friend. You could cut and paste the web page address into your email like this:

But then you run the risk of the link breaking due to formatting problems (and, let's face it, the link looks like crap). If you go to Tiny URL and enter the address, it will convert it to a nice small link like this:

You can even customize the address like this:

Wednesday, February 01, 2012

Mad props, yo!

Super Bowl XLVI is rapidly approaching and even if you don't like football, there's plenty to be excited about. In addition to the big game, I'm looking forward to the million-dollar commercials, ice-cold beer, 7-layer dip, and Puppy Bowl VIII (check it out on Animal Planet - it's freaking adorable).

In addition to these exciting distractions, I like to follow the game's "prop bets" to see how they play out. I've listed my 10 favorites below. These are actual bets currently being offered by the Las Vegas sportsbook, Bovada.

I've color coded the bets for those of you who aren't familiar with gambling odds. Green bets are expected to win and red bets are not (although if you bet on them and won, you'd get lots of money).  Orange bets are 50/50.

How long will it take Kelly Clarkson to sing the National Anthem?
Over 1 minute 34 seconds (-120)
Under 1 minute 34 seconds (-120)

Will Kelly Clarkson's bare belly be showing when she sings the National Anthem?
Yes (+300)

Will Kelly Clarkson forget or omit at least 1 word of the official US National Anthem?
Yes (+250)

How many times will Peyton Manning (brother of Giant's quarterback Eli Manning) be shown on TV during the game?
4 or more times (-130)
0 to 3 times (-110)

How many times will Giselle Bundchen (wife of Patriot's quarterback Tom Brady) be shown on TV during the game?
1 or more times (-150)
0 times (-110)

If Tom Brady's son is shown on TV during the game will he be wearing a Tom Brady jersey?
Yes (-200)
No (+150)

What color will Madonna's hair be when she begins the Super Bowl halftime show?
Blonde (-400)
Any other color (+250)

Will Madonna be wearing fishnet stockings at any point during the Super Bowl halftime show?
Yes (-120)
No (-120)

Who will the Super Bowl MVP of the game thank first?
Teammates (8/5)
Does not thank anyone (11/4)
God (4/1)
Owner (9/2)
Family (7/1)
Coach (12/1)

What color will the Gatorade (or liquid) be that is dumped on the head coach of the winning Super Bowl team?
Clear/water (2/1)
Yellow (2/1)
Orange (9/4)
Red (11/2)
Green (6/1)
Blue (10/1)

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Cool label, good beer (#3)

Saturday, January 21, 2012


I thought that we were finally in a place as a society where we didn't discriminate against people based on race. I was wrong. While doing my laundry yesterday I happened to glance at the instructions on the back of my detergent bottle. I was shocked to discover that my detergent, while being "eco-friendly," is not a proponent of racial equality.

What's next? Segregated tanning salons? Separate but equal soul food restaurants?

I know that some would argue that the instructions are referring to the color of the clothes that are being washed, but should we really be separating "whites" and "coloreds" in any situation? I for one, launder all my clothing together in a veritable "melting pot" of soiled linens. Sure, my clothes are a muddled mess, but it's a small price to pay to be a walking beacon of racial tolerance.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Completed art sites

Hey blog fans! I'm working on some fabulous new blog entries, but I'm pretty busy and it may take me a while to post them. In the meantime you should check out the art sites that I recently completed.

Our Valuables
I just finished editing and posting 18 submissions that I received before the site went on hiatus. Go check out the new (backdated) photos!

I recently updated about 100 links and completed the project. I also added an "about this project" link to explain the history and evolution of the site.

The Invisiblog
If you haven't already contributed (or even if you have), go make a comment or two on my invisible blog. Don't worry if you can't see the posts - just get creative and comment on what you think I might have written about. . . .

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Fictitious fat cats

Ladies and gentlemen I give you the The Forbes Fictional 15.  The people over at Forbes have dedicated their time and resources to create a list of the world's "richest fictional characters." At first I thought the article was a joke, but after perusing the site I realized that the magazine's pencil-pushing poindexters take it very seriously.  The "candidates" must meet a strict set of criteria in order to be included, and their worth is painstakingly calculated using complex mathematical equations.

I'm happy to see that McDuck is still ballin' like a boss.

The Forbes Fictional 15
1. Scrooge McDuck (Uncle Scrooge comics) = $44.1 billion
2. Carlisle Cullen (Twilight) = $36.2 billion
3. Artemis Fowl II (Artemis Fowl novels) = $13.5 billion
4. Richie Rich (Richie Rich comics) = $9.7 billion
5. Jed Clampett (The Beverly Hillbillies) = $9.5 billion
6. Tony Stark (Iron Man) = $9.4 billion
7. Smaug (The Hobbit) = $8.6 billion
8. Bruce Wayne (Batman) = $7.0 billion
9. Mr. Monopoly (Monopoly games) = $2.6 billion
10. Arthur Bach (Arthur films) = $1.8 billion
11. Jo Bennett (The Office) = $1.2 billion
12. C. Montgomery Burns (The Simpsons) = $1.1 billion
13. Chuck Bass (Gossip Girl) = $1.1 billion
14. Gordon Gekko (Wall Street) = $1.1 billion
15. Jeffrey Lebowski (The Big Lebowski) = $1.0 billion

Thursday, January 05, 2012

[Insert manhole joke here]

Dear sewer worker dude/dudette,

First off, thank you for your diligent work keeping the alligators from escaping the sewers. I have yet to spot one in my neighborhood.

Secondly, I wanted to ask if it would be possible for you to make sure that the manhole covers are straight the next time you crawl up out of the sewer. I know that this may seem trivial to you, but when the lines don't line up, it drives me a little crazy. Like when iTunes lists one artist in your library twice because of a spelling error, or when you notice that the little ceramic penguin in your study is no longer facing due south.

I'm doing my part. I always cut up the little plastic soda ties before I flush them down my toilet, and I hardly ever turd in the gutter. I'll keep scratching your back if you'll scratch mine (metaphorically of course, I know where your hands have been).

Thank you so much for understanding,

Ryan Danger Sims, B.A., O.C.D.

P.S. Say hi to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for me!

Sunday, January 01, 2012

Happy New Year (we're all gonna die)!

It's officially 2012! Enjoy yourself because on December 21st everyone is going to drop dead. Don't believe me? Consider the knowledge that one of the greatest minds of our time, rapper "Lil' Wayne," dropped during an interview with Blender magazine.

"The world is about to end in 2012 . . . ’cause the Mayans made calendars, and they stop at 2012. I got encyclopedias on the bus. The world is about to end as we know it. You can see it already. A planet doesn't exist - there's no more Pluto. Mosquitos bite you and you die."

According to Forbes, Lil' "earned" $15 million last year. If that's not an omen that the world is coming to an end, I don't know what is.