Thursday, May 27, 2010

Shameless self-promotion

I have created another website. I know what you're thinking, "but Ryan, you just created an awesome comedy website!" Well you're right (about the website and the fact that it's awesome). I don't know what to say, I guess I'm just a busy bee.

My new site is called Our Valuables and is located at Please visit it and submit a photo. Your photograph will be posted on the site and you will become an international web superstar overnight. (Okay I may have exaggerated the last part - but it could happen!)

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Edited for television

I was watching Die Hard: With a Vengeance the other day on TV and it came to the part where the protagonist John McClane (played by Bruce Willis) is forced to stand on a Harlem street corner with a sign that reads, “I hate the pluralized form of the n-word.” Okay, the sign doesn’t actually say that. It actually reads, “I hate all human beings with skin colors that range from light caramel to dark chocolate.” Actually, that’s not right either. What it literally says is, “I hate . . .” oh, I give up. I’m not going to write what it actually says because it’s offensive and I don’t want my blog coming up in Google when people search for that phrase.

Okay now for the confusing part. The sign on the TV version of the movie actually says something completely different than the one in the theatrical release. The sign he's holding on TV says, “I hate everybody.” This change was presumably made so as to be less offensive to the wider television audience. The problem is that I actually think it makes the scene more offensive.

Let me explain. For those of you who haven’t seen the movie, the scene I’m talking about starts out with McClane on the corner wearing the sign. Soon afterward he is noticed by a group of African-American men who threaten him and ultimately assault him by breaking a bottle over his head. When watching the theatrical release it makes sense that this group of people would attack him. In the TV version, however, the group of guys comes off looking like a bunch of crazy assholes. What exactly prompts their aggressive treatment of McClane in this scenario? I can only imagine what's going on in their heads: “Look at this misanthropin’ mothereffer! He has a sign that says he hates everybody! You guys hear that? He hates everybody. That includes you, me, my dry cleaner, EVERYBODY! Let’s kill him.”

Interesting side note: According to The Internet Movie Database, the actual sign that Bruce Willis wore while filming in Harlem said "I hate everybody." The sign was changed with CGI in post-production for the theatrical release.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Slightly offensive jokes

A husband and wife are watching a TV show about psychology that explains the phenomenon of "mixed emotions."

The husband turns to his wife and says, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She says, "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

Two old men were sitting on a front porch just watching life pass by. Suddenly, a Great Dane walks across their front lawn. The dog stops, lays down, and begins licking itself.

The first old man says, “Boy, I sure wish I could do that.”

The other old man says, “I don’t know. If I were you, I’d try petting him first.”

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Tasteful art (get it?)

Artist Kevin Van Aelst uses various food items to create recognizable patterns. Here are my favorites.

"Chromosomes" (made with gummy worms)

"Common Clouds"

"Apple Globe"

"Hawaii" (made with Hawaiian Punch)

"Right Middle Finger"

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Cheeky buggers

Please note: for the purposes of this post I will be translating "English" (as used in England) into correct American English. Translated terms will be shown in parenthesis.

Apparently the jolly ol' chaps (good old boys) in England (America's rough draft) like to bash each other over the noggin (head) with their pints (glasses) of ale (beer). They like it so much that pubs (bars) are stocking new "safer" pint glasses so as to minimize the facial disfigurement that comes from engaging in such activity. The new glasses are duel-layered like a motor car's (car's) windscreen (windshield). Here's a shot of the new glass, presumably after being smashed over someone's face:

Hope you enjoyed the post.  Cheerio (not cereal)!

Monday, May 10, 2010

I've fallen off the wagon

I'm off the Gaga. After hearing Lady Gaga's latest audio-trash entitled "Telephone" on the radio I've changed my mind about her yet again. Although I am the first to admit that her song "Paparazzi" is awesome, "Telephone" makes me want to puke my guts out.  That's right, I said puke my guts out.

On a different note, I found the origin of the phrase "on the wagon/falling off the wagon" at

"During the late 19th century, water carts drawn by horses wet down dusty roads in the summer. At the height of the Prohibition crusade in the 1890s men who vowed to stop drinking would say that they were thirsty indeed but would rather climb aboard the water cart to get a drink than break their pledges. The more alliterative 'wagon' soon replaced cart in the expression and it was eventually shortened to 'on the wagon.'"

Sunday, May 02, 2010

Top 5 comedy websites

1. Bits of Comedy
2. Bits of Comedy
3. Bits of Comedy
4. Bits of Comedy
5. Bits of Comedy

Did I mention that I have a new website? It's called Bits of Comedy and you can check it out via my main website I will be updating it periodically with new thoughts and observations so be sure to check back every once in a while. Thanks for your support!