Saturday, May 30, 2015

Help My 3-Year-Old Meet A Live Bear

It's for a good cause!

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

An open letter to whoever keeps leaving dog shit on my lawn

Dear Dickface (assumed name),

There’s a time in every man’s life when he must stand up for what he believes in. Hopefully when that time comes that man isn’t standing in a pile of dog shit. But he probably is because dog shit is EVERYWHERE.

Why don’t you pick up after your dog? I understand that it’s disgusting to pick up warm dog shit and carry it around until you find a trash can. But that’s the deal; you get to fill your Instagram with adorable dog photos, and in exchange, you have to clean up after the little turd factory.

I’m not a violent person. I’ve never “kicked ass and taken names.” If anything I would take names and THEN kick ass because I’m a gentlemen. My point is that I don’t like violence. These days however I find myself fantasizing about sitting late at night on my porch with a pellet gun, poised to pelt pricks that pass without picking up their pooch’s poo. (Alliteration alert!)

And don’t even get me started on this asshole.

Why would you bag the shit and then throw it back on the lawn? Are you trying to preserve the dog shit? Is the goal to keep the shit fresh for as long as possible? This person should be in jail!

In conclusion, if you’re too lazy to pick up a turd maybe you shouldn’t own a dog. And to all the dogs out there, don’t think you’re off the hook. I don’t speak your language, but I’m sure there’s a English-to-Dog Google translator that will make this page easy for you to read.

Clean up your act, mutts!


Ryan Danger Sims (former dog lover, now not so sure)

Monday, May 25, 2015

A day of remembrance

It's my birthday today! It's also Memorial Day so remember to hang your flags at half-mast, visit the grave of a soldier, and thank a veteran. Also, celebrate my birthday! But in a respectful way that honors our fallen soldiers. Like with balloons and cake! Sadness balloons and grief cake.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Putting Songs on Blast! #6 (Old School Edition)

SONG: Do You Know the Way to San Jose?
ARTIST: Dionne Warwick
LYRIC: "I've got lots of friends in San Jose. Do you know the way to San Jose?"

First of all, if you have so many friends in San Jose why don't you know how to get there? These "friends" don't blindfold you and drive you over in the back of their car, do they? Those are not real friends!

Secondly, isn't Dionne Warwick a psychic? I'm not an expert on psychic powers, but couldn't she just channel Magellan's ghost or something?

Last but not least, if you don't know the way to San Jose there's a simple solution. GO BUY A F*CKING MAP. Don't ask over and over and over until you drive the listener insane.

I blame Steve Jobs for this song. If the iPhone would have come out just a few decades earlier this song would never have been made.

SONG: No Sleep Till Brooklyn
ARTIST: Beastie Boys
LYRIC: "No sleep 'till (bah na, na naaah na nah) BROOKLYYYYN!"

This song seems like an inspired anthem, but when you really think about it it's kind of a let down.

Where're we gonna go? BROOKLYN!

What are we going to do when we get there? WE'RE GONNA SLEEP!!!

SONG: 99 Bottles of Beer
ARTIST: I don't know–like an old pirate or something?
LYRIC: "99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. Take one down, pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall!"

I have so many questions about this song. Why are the beers on a wall? It this some type of home decorating trend? Why are they passing around the beer? Surely there's enough for everyone to have their own? I've poured over the lyrics to this song literally thousands of times and I still can't figure out the answers to these questions.

I feel sorry for the guy at the end of the circle, drinking warm beer and spit from the bottom of every bottle. That dude needs to get some new friends. I heard Dionne Warwick's available.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Stickin' it to The Man

Artist Elana Schlenker is creating pop-up stores where women pay less than men. This is such a fantastic idea.

Less Than 100 is a traveling pop-up shop for gender wage parity. Each installment offers work from US-based women artists, makers, and entrepreneurs priced to reflect the wage gap in its respective location.

The inaugural shop, focused on the wage gap in Pennsylvania, where women earn 76% of what men earn. Following a “pay what you’re paid” pricing structure to mirror this inequality, male shoppers were charged 100% of the retail price of items and women paid 76%. Shoppers received bags labeled with their gendered “worth” along with a free newspaper elaborating on the issue.

Saturday, May 16, 2015

When boars fly

Boar falls through ceiling of Hong Kong children's clothing store
United Press International (article excerpt) - May 11, 2015

A wild boar fell through the ceiling of a children's clothing store in Hong Kong, leading to a four-hour standoff with police.

The female boar, which authorities said was likely a resident of nearby woods, apparently climbed a ladder at a mall in the Chai Wan neighborhood Sunday before falling through the ceiling of a children's clothing store and landing on the top of a display case.

The boar eventually jumped to the ground and ran around the store.

"It just came in out of nowhere, and turned around at the window," the store's manager told the South China Morning Post. "It also pushed open the fitting room door and got in."

Officials said the animal will be returned to the wild.

Friday, May 15, 2015

Pinterest fails

These have been circulating for a while, but I can't resist posting some of my favorites. The images on top show what the project is supposed to look like as seen on Pinterest. The images on bottom show how they turned out.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

King Kong ain't got nothin' on me!

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to modify Grand Theft Auto 5, so you can play as a suicidal flying chimp with a gun that shoots cars instead of bullets? No? Well someone did and it looks freaking AWESOME!

Thursday, May 07, 2015

Melissa Flutes!

For the last year or so my three-year-old has been enjoying watching Melissa Flutes on YouTube. For those of you who don't know, Melissa covers a variety of popular songs on the flute. She's a very talented player and delivers captivating performances.

A couple of weeks ago I was talking to my son about how cool it would be if she played some Star Wars music. I emailed her, and a few days later (May the 4th to be exact), she posted her new Star Wars themed video!

Thanks Melissa!

Wednesday, May 06, 2015

Just in time for Cinco de Mayo!*

*Well it was in time for Cinco de Mayo, but I didn't have time to post this yesterday.

Salta beer in Argentina is giving rugby players tooth implants with BOTTLE OPENERS built into them. This is a real thing. What a time to be alive!

Friday, May 01, 2015

Great news!

(See what I did there?)

On Wednesday I got contacted by Us Weekly with a request to publish one of my tweets! Comedian Amy Schumer retweeted my photo and comments as part of her "Girl, You Don't Need Makeup" parody. Next thing I knew, my photo was in TIME! Click the links below to read the articles.


Also, shout-out to the Telegram for reppin me in Croatia!