I've been living a lie

Like anyone with half a brain, I've devoted my entire life to following my horoscope. Every morning I check my forecast and strictly adhere to every warning and suggestion. Imagine my horror then when I discovered that I've been following the wrong instructions! Apparently, in the 3,000 years since the start of astrology, the Earth's tilt has changed. I've been skipping through life thinking I was a weird schizophrenic man-twin (Gemini) when I am in fact a moderately priced mid-sized sedan (Taurus).

While I'm shocked that the scientific geniuses who follow astrology didn't figure this out sooner, I'm happy to be finally living my life according to my true path. Check out the new horoscope dates.

Capricorn: Jan. 20 - Feb. 16

Aquarius: Feb. 16 - March 11

Pisces: March 11- April 18

Aries: April 18- May 13

Taurus: May 13- June 21

Gemini: June 21- July 20

Cancer: July 20- Aug. 10

Leo: Aug. 10- Sept. 16

Virgo: Sept. 16- Oct. 30

Libra: Oct. 30- Nov. 23

Scorpio: Nov. 23- Nov. 29

Ophiuchus: Nov. 29- Dec. 17

Sagittarius: Dec. 17- Jan. 20

Here are my (old and new) life instructions for today according to horoscope.com. Click the image if you would like to make it larger.

If I hadn't learned my correct sign I'd be spending my day talking with friends and sharing a romantic evening with my partner like a sucker. Instead I'm off to buy a bunch of crap to decorate my apartment and adopt a pack of wayward pit bulls!