Wednesday, May 29, 2013

The worst of the worst

It's been a while since I've watched ANTM and I almost forgot how much I hate Tyra Banks. On the episode I just watched, Tyra literally prohibited this girl from showering, made her lay facedown on a filthy floor, and lick warm soda off of the tile. There was a cockroach crawling next to her head. I am not kidding. Tyra kicked her off the show right after the shoot was completed.

And don't even get me started on "Bryanboy." Just typing his "name" makes me throw up in my mouth a little. There are a lot of snarky little shits on reality TV, but he is the WORST of the worst. His contribution to the episode I discussed above was to throw trash at a model's feet and say, "that's what I think of your face." He also told her that she, "didn't look trashy enough" during her photo shoot. Did I mention she was photographed in a f*cking dumpster?

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Psalm 137 ain't just a Sublime song, yo*

*Or a Melodians song, reggae snob.

I just finished reading The Bible cover to cover. I didn't skip over the boring parts. I read every single word (including the freaking endnotes). It took me about six months and I have to say that it was an interesting experience.

I have a long and complicated history with religion and do not consider myself to be a particularly religious person. That being said, The Bible is arguably the most important book of all time due to its impact on world history and culture, and the fact that it has literally billions of people following its instruction.

I am not going to go on about my thoughts here in this blog because I have a kind of unofficial policy of not discussing politics or religion on More Rants than Raves. If you'd like to know what I really think, buy me a beer sometime and I'll drop some mad philosophy.

Friday, May 17, 2013

So that's what that is!

Here are some things that I have always wondered about but never bothered to look up (until now).

1. How far is a "klick?"

2. According to proper etiquette, where do you put your napkin when you leave the table mid-meal?

3. What side of a boat is referred to as "starboard" and what side is "port?"

4. How much is a gold bar worth?


1. In military terms, a "klick" is a distance of one kilometer (or .62 miles).
2. On your chair (NOT on the table).
3. Starboard is right, port is left.
4. The standard gold bar held and traded internationally by central banks and bullion dealers is the Good Delivery bar with a 400 oz. (25 lbs.) nominal weight. As of today's date, one of these bars would be worth $550,700.

Saturday, May 04, 2013

Questionable counsel

Here are some things my parents told me when I was a kid that I believed for way too long.

1. If you swallow bubble gum, it will NEVER leave your stomach.

2. Using a Ouija board is basically direct-dialing the Devil (hey, at least it's toll free).

3. Mountain Dew soda is made with a special secret ingredient: bear pee.

4. When someone gets a lobotomy, the doctor opens their head, scrambles up their brain, and then replaces their brain with a banana.

Wednesday, May 01, 2013

Sexy to all genders

Recently I took the "Bem Sex-Role Inventory," a psychological survey meant to indicate how masculine or feminine a person is. The results range from "Marilyn Monroe standing over a subway grate" to "Burt Reynolds lying on a bearskin rug." Okay I made up the category titles, but you get the idea.

I was surprised to discover that out of the 121 possible results on the spectrum, I rate EXACTLY in the middle (androgynous). Click here to take the test for yourself and see if you are as perfectly gender neutral as I am (don't get your hopes up).