Monday, December 09, 2013

I can't quit you, Facebook

I tried to breakup with my Facebook account the other day - have you tried this? The company is a master of manipulation. For those of you who haven't had this experience, I'll walk you through the process.

The first step I took was to remove all personal information from my profile. Bad move. As soon as I clicked "save changes," Facebook went into homewrecker mode. It promptly sent out a notice to everyone I knew, telling them that my "relationship status" had changed. This came as a surprise to me (and an even bigger surprise to my wife).

The next step I took was to try and deactivate my account. Apparently this action prompts Facebook to run its guilt protocol. Facebook told me that if I deactivate my account, "none of my friends will be able to keep in touch with me." Facebook then tried to appeal to my humanity, bombarding me with photos of my friends and family. Each photo had a caption telling me how much the person would miss me when I'm gone. "Jim will miss you." "Kelly will miss you." "You're turning your back on your own brother, you bastard." Okay, I may have made the last one up but you get the idea.

The final stage in this emotionally draining and dramatic process was to choose from a list of reasons explaining why I was closing my account. The very first option was, "I don't understand how to use Facebook." That's right, when all else failed Facebook resorted to using childish insults. It might as well have said, "What's the matter dummy? Everyone else seems to have figured it out."

Ultimately, I caved and kept my account. I know I'm being emotionally abused but what can I say? I can't quit you, Facebook.

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