Two-timing timer

My kitchen timer has been cheating on me! My timer is a pretty unique item, given to my wife and I for a wedding present seven years ago. As far as I know the timer is no longer on the market. So imagine my surprise when I was flipping through the pages of Reader’s Digest (not while on the toilet, btw) and I came across an article featuring a photo of my kitchen timer taking part in some type of culinary orgy! There he was, squished at the bottom of a sexy food stack, slathered in oil.





I know some of you might be asking why I'm referring to my timer as a “he” and not a “she.” First of all, I checked and he is definitely a he (and yes, the carpet matches the drapes). Secondly, you need to ask yourself why you are insisting that my timer is a girl. Why would you assume that? Because the timer spends its life in the KITCHEN? Real nice.

Now, I know he has a lot of free time on his hands (get it—time?), but I am concerned. To be honest, I'm scared that he's going to make the same mistake as other kitchen accessories before him. Just look at that teacup from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast.



Last I heard, Chip was working as a crunk chalice. And you can bet he isn’t briming over with tea, if you know what I mean.