Friday, January 30, 2015

The post of the beast

This blog post is number seis sei VI for old More Rants than Raves. I am afraid to write the number in English because my strict religious upbringing taught me that if I so much as think this number I will spontaneously burst into flames. Since I can't "skip" this number like the fancy hotels "skip" floor 13, I must forge ahead and throw caution to the wind. Here goes nothing. No really, I don't have anything more to say.

FUN FACT: If you read this post backwards you'll hear the mantra chanted by the character Art in the 1989 comedy classic The Burbs: "I want to kill everyone. Satan is good. Satan is our pal."

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

This just popped up in my browser

The folks at Hillshire have done it. They figured out how to make a hot dog look MORE like a penis. Also, is there anyone on earth that needs a recipe for this concoction?

Monday, January 26, 2015

You're welcome, Earth

The good people at sent me an email thanking me for my recent humanitarian effort. I know that signing a digital petition for a taco emoji isn't the most important contribution to society that took place in 2014, but I'd like to think it's at least in the top ten.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Bag rant

I don't know about you, but in my "neck of the woods" grocery stores have started charging for bags. The idea is great in theory, but terrible in practice. Aside from the obvious problem of having a bunch of bags flying around in your car all the time, I believe the practice of charging for bags actually hurts the environment.

In the past, I recycled cans and bottles by putting them in the used paper bags I received from grocery stores. Now I don't have any place to put this crap. When I toss my beer cans in the street I place the blame squarely on my city's ridiculous bag policy.

Another problem with charging for bags is that now I am way more upset when a bag breaks. When one of the handles breaks off of my flimsy paper bag and my food smashes to the ground all I can think is, "I paid for this damn bag?!" I'm no lawyer but I'm pretty sure that if I've been sold a defective product, I'm entitled to some type of compensation from the offending company. I'd settle for one of those kick-ass motorized shopping carts, or free steaks for life.

Bag images courtesy of American Beauty

So instead of buying bags, do what I do. Say "no" when asked if you want to purchase bags, then grab a stack on the way out of the store. Sure, you'll look like an asshole bagging your own groceries in the parking lot, but just think about how many nickels you'll be saving!

Monday, January 19, 2015

I lied!

I know I said I was over emojis and would never use them again, but apparently I just can't resist. I downloaded an app called Bitmoji that makes personalized emojis based on an avatar you create for yourself.

At first the emojis the app created seemed cool and fun.

Then they got kind of weird and cheeky.


Friday, January 16, 2015

Free ride to the dump!

Man scooped up by California garbage truck survives ride
Associated Press - January 16, 2015

A man searching for his wallet in a trash bin in Northern California was scooped up by a garbage truck and taken on a long ride.

The Oroville Mercury Register reports that the man survived the ride in the rear of a garbage truck. His name was not released.

Yolo County Sheriff's Lt. Martin Torres said the man got struck in the trash truck when it made a pick-up Tuesday. The truck was headed to a landfill.

Torres said the man told police he was stuck in the truck for about an hour.

Authorities said the man told police he used lumber in the truck to reach the top of the garbage pile and avoid the compactor.

The man was taken to UC Davis Medical Center for complaints of back and neck pain.

I can't tell what I like most about this article:

a) A guy got picked up by a freaking trash truck.
b) The fact that it happened in YOLO county.
c) The guy battled for survival in a trash compactor, Star Wars style.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Maybe the best t-shirt ever

You can buy the shirt here (makes a great gift for the Ryan Danger Sims in your life)!

Tuesday, January 13, 2015


When helping your toddler use the toilet in the middle of the night, it's a good idea to use a flashlight so they won't be blinded by the bathroom light. It is NOT a good idea, however, to let them hold the flashlight (even if they're really cute and beg you to let them).

You will end up having to buy a new flashlight.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Top 5 novelty hats (+ worst ever)

1. Gigantic foam cowboy hat
2. Beer helmet (with can holders and straw)
3. Restaurant sombrero
4. Rasta hat with fake dreadlocks
5. Colored plastic gambling visor

Worst: Those jester hats people wore in the 90s

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Friday, January 09, 2015

It's true what they say

I've heard people say that they "learn so much" from their kids. I didn't know what they meant until now. Check out this rad Indiana Jones triceratops combo.

Tuesday, January 06, 2015

Liberty and tacos for all

I try not to delve into politics on this blog, because I don't want to alienate readers. This blog caters to everyone from stinky tree humpin' hippies to gun totin' steriod enthusiasts. I don't care if you're voting for Ross Perot or Abraham Lincoln's ghost in the next election. All I care about is that you faithfully read this blog and tell everyone you know about how awesome it is.

That being said, there has come a matter that is just too important for me to not to get involved. I cannot in good conscience stand aside and watch this issue be swept under the rug of injustice. I am referring of course to the petition created by Taco Bell. The fast food chain is currently lobbying to get a taco included in the list of official emojis.

When history looks back on the events that transpired today, how will you be remembered? What will you tell your grandchildren?


Sunday, January 04, 2015

The little things in life

I love how my blog archive compresses into a neat little stack at the beginning of each year. Call me crazy but it really does make me happy. Actually don't call me crazy. I'd be like, "Oh I'm crazy, huh? I'm craaaazy? I'LL SHOW YOU CRAZY!" And I really don't need that kind of drama.

Saturday, January 03, 2015

Great gift for kids!

I found this review online last month while researching a Christmas toy.

Thursday, January 01, 2015

Hap hap happy 2015!

I have to admit that every year I find myself a little disappointed with the Times Square New Year's celebration. I guess my standards were set too high from watching Gremlins 2 as a kid.