Wednesday, May 27, 2015

An open letter to whoever keeps leaving dog shit on my lawn

Dear Dickface (assumed name),

There’s a time in every man’s life when he must stand up for what he believes in. Hopefully when that time comes that man isn’t standing in a pile of dog shit. But he probably is because dog shit is EVERYWHERE.

Why don’t you pick up after your dog? I understand that it’s disgusting to pick up warm dog shit and carry it around until you find a trash can. But that’s the deal; you get to fill your Instagram with adorable dog photos, and in exchange, you have to clean up after the little turd factory.

I’m not a violent person. I’ve never “kicked ass and taken names.” If anything I would take names and THEN kick ass because I’m a gentlemen. My point is that I don’t like violence. These days however I find myself fantasizing about sitting late at night on my porch with a pellet gun, poised to pelt pricks that pass without picking up their pooch’s poo. (Alliteration alert!)

And don’t even get me started on this asshole.

Why would you bag the shit and then throw it back on the lawn? Are you trying to preserve the dog shit? Is the goal to keep the shit fresh for as long as possible? This person should be in jail!

In conclusion, if you’re too lazy to pick up a turd maybe you shouldn’t own a dog. And to all the dogs out there, don’t think you’re off the hook. I don’t speak your language, but I’m sure there’s a English-to-Dog Google translator that will make this page easy for you to read.

Clean up your act, mutts!


Ryan Danger Sims (former dog lover, now not so sure)

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