Thursday, May 21, 2015

Putting Songs on Blast! #6 (Old School Edition)

SONG: Do You Know the Way to San Jose?
ARTIST: Dionne Warwick
LYRIC: "I've got lots of friends in San Jose. Do you know the way to San Jose?"

First of all, if you have so many friends in San Jose why don't you know how to get there? These "friends" don't blindfold you and drive you over in the back of their car, do they? Those are not real friends!

Secondly, isn't Dionne Warwick a psychic? I'm not an expert on psychic powers, but couldn't she just channel Magellan's ghost or something?

Last but not least, if you don't know the way to San Jose there's a simple solution. GO BUY A F*CKING MAP. Don't ask over and over and over until you drive the listener insane.

I blame Steve Jobs for this song. If the iPhone would have come out just a few decades earlier this song would never have been made.

SONG: No Sleep Till Brooklyn
ARTIST: Beastie Boys
LYRIC: "No sleep 'till (bah na, na naaah na nah) BROOKLYYYYN!"

This song seems like an inspired anthem, but when you really think about it it's kind of a let down.

Where're we gonna go? BROOKLYN!

What are we going to do when we get there? WE'RE GONNA SLEEP!!!

SONG: 99 Bottles of Beer
ARTIST: I don't know–like an old pirate or something?
LYRIC: "99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. Take one down, pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall!"

I have so many questions about this song. Why are the beers on a wall? It this some type of home decorating trend? Why are they passing around the beer? Surely there's enough for everyone to have their own? I've poured over the lyrics to this song literally thousands of times and I still can't figure out the answers to these questions.

I feel sorry for the guy at the end of the circle, drinking warm beer and spit from the bottom of every bottle. That dude needs to get some new friends. I heard Dionne Warwick's available.

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