Laugh in the new year

I read some funny books this year and thought I would pass along some recommendations.

Happy Boxing Day!

I recently discovered that "Boxing Day" is not, as I once thought, a day for people to take out their holiday frustrations by beating the hell out of each other. According to Wikipedia (a site featured in many a former door-to-door encyclopedia salesmen's suicide note), "Boxing Day is traditionally the day following Christmas Day, when servants and tradesmen would receive gifts, known as a 'Christmas box', from their bosses or employers."

So if you have servants, get them something nice. If you are a servant, rise up and kill your master already! (See the movie Django Unchained or the intro on Nas's album It Was Written for reference/inspiration.)

Top 5 reindeer (+ worst ever)

1. Rudolph
2. Blitzen
3. Dasher
4. Antonio
5. Comet

Worst: Donner (Is this even a contest?!)

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Don’t ask, do tell!

I found a bug while playing Call of Duty: Ghosts. In the middle of a mission, two of my fellow squad mates stopped to embrace each other. I tried to move on ahead but they refused to follow. They just stood there holding each other. I’m not sure if they were paralyzed by the horrors of war, or if they were just really into each other. All I know is that I could not advance without my team, and my team was too busy snuggling to follow me into battle.

An underlining problem

You know how sometimes when you're half-asleep you have an idea that you think is brilliant, but the next day you wonder what the hell you were thinking? Well, a couple of nights ago I was lying in bed and I thought:

What if I wrote a blog post about how nobody underlines anything for emphasis on the internet because underlining is now a universal signifier for a hyperlink? That's what I'll do! I'll make a post with a bunch of random words underlined to emphasize how underlined words are now only seen as links. Then maybe I'll sneak in a real link so people will have to scroll over every word with their mouse to see if there is a secret link in my blog post. Wow, this is a super-great idea. I should come up with all my blog posts at four in the morning!

PC Load Letter?!

My printer is out of ink.

What's interesting about the above statement is that no matter when you are reading it, whether it's the day I posted it or any other day in the future, the statement will be true. This is because MY PRINTER IS ALWAYS OUT OF INK.

Even though I print black and white documents 90% of the time, the colored ink consistently runs out. The printer has TWO individual cartridges of black ink, but still requires colored ink to print black and white documents. What kind of scam are these printer companies trying to pull?! Also, when did my computer become such an art snob? "Magenta?" Where I come from it's called purple.

Another compelling fact is that while every other type of technology is getting cheaper, the cost of printer ink seems to be steadily on the rise. I predict that in the future, when physical copies of a document are needed, it will be more cost-effective to just hand out a stack of laptops.

Passive-aggressive masterpiece

Builders cement car to pavement after driver refuses to move it
Metro UK - December 13, 2013

A disagreement got slightly out of hand when builders cemented a car to the pavement.

The argument came about when the car dealer refused to move a parked VW Caddy from the pavement in Belo Horizonte, Brazil.

Mark Drummond, who is not the owner but was responsible for selling the car on, said the pavement had been used to display vehicles for more than 20 years.

Local media reports it is not technically illegal to park here as it is a public space, but construction workers were unable to complete maintenance on the pavement because of the parked car.

They asked Mr Drummond to remove it but he refused, so then they cemented it to the pavement.

Celso Antonio de Faria, the owner of the cement company said: ‘He said I could not lay a finger on the car.’

The Brazilian transport department sent a towing company to remove the car following a number of complaints from locals but found the car fixed to the ground.

Unvention

I hope you enjoyed the samples of my comedy writing! Here's a bonus one that I wrote in 2010 but never put on my site.

I'm always interested in new inventions. The other day I heard about this new "green" toilet paper. No, it's not actually green - that would be gross. This new toilet paper comes without a cardboard tube inside of it (which saves paper, so that future generations can wipe their asses).

At first I thought this was a great idea. What an invention! Why didn't I think of that? Then I started to think about it for a while and I realized it wasn't so much of an invention as an unvention. I mean, someone in history came up with the great idea of putting paper on a roll. I don't know what people were doing before this, and I don't want to know. The point is that somebody had the idea. This other person, the one who "invented" tube-free toilet paper, they must have the sweetest job ever. I can just imagine sitting around the office, brainstorming new unventions.

Me: "You know how everybody has windows in their houses these days?"

Boss: "Uh, yeah."

Me: "What if we made new windows that didn't use any glass? These "windowless window frames" would be great for the environment (since they would save lots of glass), and they would never have to be cleaned!"

Boss: "Ryan, you're a goddamn genius!"

Almost almost famous

Guess how many calls I've received so far by people asking me to write for their sitcom? Zero. I know - I can't believe it either. I mean, I've only been writing comedy bits for three weeks, but I have been working hard. I don't know why I am not famous yet, but I know it isn't my fault. In fact, I've done the math and concluded that whenever I have a problem, it is 100% someone else's fault, 100% of the time. You can't argue with mathematical statistics (I've double-checked my work and everything). If these stats aren't correct then that's probably some else's fault too.

Anyway, back to me. I guess I need to decide what type of comedian I want to be. I don't think I want to be like Carrot Top. Everybody makes fun of him and honestly, he scares the shit out of me. Kathy Griffin has the "Life on the D-List" market covered. Maybe I should set my sights even lower. Maybe I should shoot for the "Z-List." I could shout jokes from a street corner, playing to the "stray cat and occasional hobo" demographic.

Either way I guess I'll have to stay in the game for at least a little longer. They say that Rome wasn't built in a day but honestly, how long did it take? I'm hoping not longer than a couple of months.

Troubling signs

I don't understand the signs posted on freeway overpasses that show the clearance height to oncoming truckers. You know the ones that say, "Truck 14 Feet?" I can just imagine a trucker humming along at 70 miles per hour, looking up to see a sign telling him that his semi is too tall for the overpass he's about to go under. What his option at this point? It's like they're giving the truckers just enough time to duck and pray.

I'm amused by signs that say, "For Sale By Owner." Isn't it implied that whoever's selling the item is the owner? What's the alternative to this - "For Sale By Shady Roommate?"

I took a CPR class and learned that when you're choking you're supposed to put your hands up to your throat. This "international choking sign" is supposed to indicate that you need the Heimlich maneuver. I also learned that when you perform the Heimlich on someone, you'll most likely break their ribs. This all makes me very nervous. People naturally put their hands to their throat whenever they're having trouble swallowing, even if they aren't in a life-or-death situation. I think that there should be an additional sign that a person can use if they are really in danger of choking - like a "twig snapping" motion followed by a "thumbs up." That way I can jump right in and start crackin' their ribs like a dump truck running over a pile of walnuts (while saving their life, of course).

Problems

I have a problem with people using the phrase "we're like family" to describe anyone who is not in their actual family. I understand that some people were adopted or raised by people that are not blood relatives. What I don't understand is when people use this phrase to describe anyone who has been in their immediate vicinity for more than 20 minutes. Example: "Everyone in my Learning Annex class is so cool. We're like one big family." Whenever I hear something like this I want to say, "Great! Who's hosting Thanksgiving dinner this year?"

I also have a problem with people that walk around telling everyone how "blessed" they are. People say this about everything and it's getting out of hand. Example: "I never get sick. What can I say, I guess I'm just blessed." I think that suggesting that God chose you to bless more than other people is kind of a dick move.

My final problem (not in life, just for the purposes of this bit) is with what I have termed "extreme complementing." I blame reality TV show judges for starting this epidemic, which has now leaked into mainstream culture. Example: "You are amazing, wonderful, incredible, and one thousand and one percent insanely awesome!" You know another way to complement someone? By using any one of the terms listed above.*

*Except for the "thousand and one percent" thing - that doesn't make any damn sense at all.

I can't quit you, Facebook

I tried to breakup with my Facebook account the other day - have you tried this? The company is a master of manipulation. For those of you who haven't had this experience, I'll walk you through the process.

The first step I took was to remove all personal information from my profile. Bad move. As soon as I clicked "save changes," Facebook went into homewrecker mode. It promptly sent out a notice to everyone I knew, telling them that my "relationship status" had changed. This came as a surprise to me (and an even bigger surprise to my wife).

The next step I took was to try and deactivate my account. Apparently this action prompts Facebook to run its guilt protocol. Facebook told me that if I deactivate my account, "none of my friends will be able to keep in touch with me." Facebook then tried to appeal to my humanity, bombarding me with photos of my friends and family. Each photo had a caption telling me how much the person would miss me when I'm gone. "Jim will miss you." "Kelly will miss you." "You're turning your back on your own brother, you bastard." Okay, I may have made the last one up but you get the idea.

The final stage in this emotionally draining and dramatic process was to choose from a list of reasons explaining why I was closing my account. The very first option was, "I don't understand how to use Facebook." That's right, when all else failed Facebook resorted to using childish insults. It might as well have said, "What's the matter dummy? Everyone else seems to have figured it out."

Ultimately, I caved and kept my account. I know I'm being emotionally abused but what can I say? I can't quit you, Facebook.

I'm telling you for the second time

In the sprit of the approaching new year I have decided to post some of my comedy writing on this blog. I initially wrote these comedic gems for bitsofcomedy.com. While I still plan to maintain that site in a different capacity, I want to post some of my older material before coming up with new stuff in the upcoming year. Kind of like what Seinfeld did in '98 when he threw away all his existing material and started over from scratch. Except that I'm not a famous comedian, I haven't spent years honing my craft, and I definitely plan on using this material again.

Enjoy!

Sprite to the rescue!

Researchers in China have determined that Sprite soda is the single best way to cure a hangover. The study tested 57 beverages and found that the ingredients in Sprite work the best at breaking down acetaldehyde, a harsh byproduct of alcohol that ends up lingering in your system after a night of heavy drinking.


Now all that’s left is to get real drunk and try it out! Leave a comment with the results of your own super-scientific Sprite hangover experiment.*

*Do not conduct this experiment if you're a minor (even with a kick-ass mustache), are pregnant (congrats!), have a severe Sprite allergy (what?), are missing a liver (again, what?), or are one of those mean drunks who can't handle their shit (you know who I'm talking about).

The stupid ones

I know that I've been ranting a lot about TV and movies lately, but in my defense there's a lot to rant about. Before I move on to other topics, I wanted to leave you with this image from The Crazy Ones. In an ad for the show, the cast dances in sync with one of those inflatable stick-guy things. I tried to get a video clip but apparently The Smithsonian confiscated the ad for use in an exhibit titled, "The Collapse of Western Civilization."

Let It Snow

December is here again and you know what that means. A barrage of craptastic made-for-TV holiday movies, brought to you by The Hallmark Channel. It is becoming a tradition in my family to watch at least one of these disasters every year. The latest one I saw was called Let it Snow.

It stars Candace Cameron Bure of Full House fame, and Alan Thicke of my son is a sleazy perv fame. The set looks like a Hallmark store threw up all over the inside of a log cabin, and the characters ask each other soul-searching questions such as, "do you believe in Christmas?"

. . . .

For the first time in the history of this blog, I'm speechless.

Radio rant

I'll keep this short and sweet* since I've already ranted about two individual stations (NPR and KROQ). Does anyone else think it's ridiculous that radio stations are constantly interrupting their programming to brag about playing blocks of uninterrupted music? Last week I heard the following statement between songs: "You are in the middle of another non-stop music block, brought to you by McDonald's." Who are they trying to fool?

*Or "short and bitter," more appropriately. Ha!

'Tis the season

Two must-have drinks for the holidays!

Found photos

Artist Jon Rafman scours Google Maps to find incredible photos taken by Google Street View cameras. Check out his work at 9-eyes.com.









I wanted to post more photos, but you really have to view them at full-scale to see the detail. The collection is mesmerizing, ranging from beautiful to downright alarming.

Still got it

Been playing Call of Duty: Ghosts online whenever I can. Good to know that even though I can't play much, I've still got some game.

Breaking news

While looking up information for my last blog post, I came across the following "breaking news" on CNN.

Kim Kardashian's bathing suit selfie
Kim Kardashian posts a bathing suit photo of herself on Instagram

The headline was linked to a video wherein broadcasters engage in an in-depth discussion of the photograph. Stay classy, CNN.

A generous fairy

There has been nothing on TV lately. Things have gotten so bad that I recently watched the first few minutes of The Tooth Fairy starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Trust me when I say that a few minutes were more than enough.

The reason I mention the movie (aside from giving me an excuse to post this awesome photo), is that it reminded me of a poll I just read about. CNN reports that American children are currently receiving an average of $3.70 per lost tooth!

Are you kidding me?! When I was a kid I was stoked if I got a half-dollar coin (and I'm not that old).

Top 5 comic book series (+ worst ever)

1. The Sixth Gun
2. Love and Capes
3. Hawkeye (2012-)
4. Invincible
5. Aquaman (New 52)

Worst: There are way too many bad comic books to pick just one.

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Boo!

The Nightmares Fear Factory in Niagara Falls takes candid photos of visitors while scaring them crapless. Here are my favorites.

The pursuit of crappyness

The Smith family is the worst. Jaden Smith recently tweeted the following gem:

"If Everybody In The World Dropped Out Of School We Would Have A Much More Intelligent Society."

You can't completely blame the kid for being ignorant. I give most of the credit to his dad, Will, who recently revealed one of his parenting strategies to Haute Living magazine:

"We respect our children the way we would respect any other person. Things like cleaning up their room. You would never tell a full-grown adult to clean their room, so we don't tell our kids to clean their rooms."

Eerie images

Check out these animated gifs by artist Zack Dougherty. Pretty amazing stuff.

A step down

I just watched part of Step Up Revolution on TV and I have to say that it is absolutely terrible. This is unfortunate, because I actually enjoyed a couple of the earlier movies in the series. Also, Revolution is packed with former SYTYCD dancers whom I really like. But I digress.

The movie features the world's most paranoid dance crew staging various "flash mobs" around their city. I say the mob is paranoid because they are somehow convinced that dancing in public will get them locked in a federal penitentiary for life. Each member of the crew has a job. My favorite character is the guy pictured below. His job is to film the dances. In this photo he can be seen posing as a waiter in a swanky restaurant. Check out where this super-spy is hiding his camcorder.



In a freaking mashed up dinner roll with the viewfinder sticking out. Genius! FYI, this movie came out last year. Apparently the crew couldn't afford an iPhone.

A feel good story

Georgia Family Donates Cancelled Wedding's Reception to Homeless
ABC News (article excerpt) - September 23, 2013

When Willie and Carol Fowler's only daughter cancelled her wedding 40 days before she was set to walk down the aisle, the parents were faced with a venue, food and entertainment that had all been paid for.

But instead of cancelling everything and losing their deposits, they decided to change the guest list - to 200 homeless people.

The Fowlers called Hosea Feed the Hungry, an organization that their daughter had volunteered for when she was younger. It is a nonprofit organization in Atlanta, Ga., that provides homeless individuals with services and resources.

On Sept. 15, buses transported 200 homeless women, children and families to Villa Christina for the event. It began at 2 p.m. with outdoor appetizers and space for the children to run and play.

The event then moved inside, where the approximately 50 children had a room to themselves with face-painting, juggling and crowns.

"The children had chicken fingers, French fries, fresh fruit and chocolate chip cookies," Carol Fowler said. "The adults had salmon and chicken."

"There is no way to explain how it makes you feel, but it's wonderful," Willie Fowler said of seeing the joy at the event.

The Fowlers are hoping to make the affair a yearly event that will be two days and incorporate educational elements for the participants.

They pointed out that events are cancelled all the time and encouraged others to think about donating

"If you have cancelled an event, do not walk away. Pick up the phone and call your favorite charity and offer it to them," Carol Fowler said. "We're regular, working people and anybody can do this. This is not star stuff."

You have got to be kidding me

The Oxford English Dictionary recently amended its definition of the word "literally." Check out the new secondary description.

literally
adverb

in a literal manner or sense; exactly:

   • the driver took it literally when asked to go straight across the traffic

     circle

   • informal used for emphasis or to express strong feeling while not 

     being literally true:
     I have received literally thousands of letters

This article is nuts!

Testicle-eating fish caught by stunned fisherman in New Jersey
Metro UK (article expert) - September 25, 2013

The South American freshwater fish, commonly found in the Amazon, was hooked by shocked fisherman Tom Boylan just 15 miles outside of New York City on Saturday.

Nicknamed the ‘ball-cutter’, the pacu has a reputation for chomping on testicles, often mistaking them for tree nuts.

‘They bite because they’re hungry, and testicles sit nicely in their mouth,’ said one expert.

Hulu rant

I signed up for a free trial of Hulu Plus in order to watch some reruns of Parks and Recreation. I was excited to check out the service until I fired up an episode and a bunch of commercials came on. The ads played throughout each episode and were impossible to skip! What kind of site are they running over there? I'm not paying to watch commercials and apparently I'm not the only one. Check out the number one "most popular" help question on their site.

Horrible/Awesome (but mostly horrible)

The human brewery: Texas man brews beer in his belly
Metro UK - September 21, 2013

A tee-total Texan has given a new meaning to the term ‘beer belly’ after being diagnosed with a rare medical condition that gets him drunk without touching a drop.

The 61-year-old suffers from auto-brewery syndrome, an unusual yeast infection that mimics the signs of intoxication.

His wife feared he was a secret alcoholic as he would often wake up drunk and would suddenly appear sloshed at church or at work.

He arrived at hospital five times over the legal driving limit complaining of dizziness before doctors eventually worked out his condition.

‘He would get drunk out of the blue,’ explained Barbara Cordell, the dean of nursing at Panola College in Texas.

‘On a Sunday morning after being at church, or really, just anytime - his wife was so dismayed about it that she even bought a breathalyse.’

An overabundance of yeast from foods such bread or pasta turned the patient’s stomach into a brewery, meaning he was unable to stay sober, the International Journal of Clinical Medicine reported.

WTS?!

This photo was taken in a bathroom on the USC campus. Just what the shit is going on over there?



Thanks to my wife for taking this photo and for reminding me that today marks this blog's 7 Year Blogiversary!

Four new games

I haven't played video games for about a year but now I'm back. I just got four new games and I love 'em all!

Another example of Australian badassery

Australia's official agency of tourism recently posted this photo on their Facebook page. They blurred out the kangaroo's privates as a joke, but apparently a bunch of people got upset and wrote in to complain.

Funny reviews

Amazon.com just posted a bunch of funny reviews written by their customers. Here are my favorites.


BIC Cristal "For Her" Ball Pen



"I don't use it for vulgar endeavors like math or filling out a voter application, but BIC Cristal for Her is a lovely little writing utensil all the same. Ask your husband for some extra pocket money so you can buy one today!"
E. Bradley

"i live with my parents and when my dad found me using these pens he threw all of my things in the trash and now he's taking me on a hunting trip?"
john mcgowan

Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal



"Has anyone else tried pouring this stuff over dry cereal? A-W-E-S-O-M-E!"
J. Fitzsimmons

"Do you have any idea where this stuff comes from? It's excreted by squeezing the wobbly thingie on the UNDERSIDE OF A COW! That's hardly made clear anywhere on the label."
MoLaw

"They really need to put a warning label on this thing. Apparently, if you put it into your body, it turns into urine. Urine!"
E. Bonheim

Accoutrements Horse Head Mask



"It's not big enough to completely cover a horse's head, and it doesn't provide enough air flow for them, either."
Selig7

"By wearing this mask, I was able to get anything and everything I needed. Plenty of hay, lots of time to run and, best of all, I no longer have to wear pants."
T. C. Zimmermann

"It is day 87 and the horses have accepted me as one of their own. I have grown to understand and respect their gentle ways."
ByronicHero

How to Avoid Huge Ships



"I bought How to Avoid Huge Ships as a companion to Captain Trimmer's other excellent titles: How to Avoid a Train, and How to Avoid the Empire State Building. These books are fast paced, well written and the hard won knowledge found in them is as inspirational as it is informational. After reading them I haven't been hit by anything bigger than a diesel bus. Thanks captain!"
Citizenfitz

Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable



"Transmission of music data at rates faster than the speed of light seemed convenient, until I realized I was hearing the music before I actually wanted to play it. Apparently Denon forgot how accustomed most of us are to unidirectional time and the general laws of physics. I tried to get used to this effect but hearing songs play before I even realized I was in the mood for them just really screwed up my preconceptions of choice and free will. I'm still having a major existential hangover.

Would not purchase again."
Matthew Sidor

Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt



"Unfortunately I already had this exact picture tattooed on my chest, but this shirt is very useful in colder weather."
overlook1977

"I had a two-wolf shirt for a while and I didn't think life could get any better. I was wrong. Life got 50% better, no lie."
Seth G. Macy

Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer

"For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. "Use a knife!" they say. Well...my parole officer won't allow me to be around knives. "Shoot it with a gun!" Background check...HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed."
SW3K

"As shown in the picture, the slices is curved from left to right. All of my bananas are bent the other way.”
J. Anderson

This rant is bananas

Do you hate the "dine in" banana experience? Is the preparation, the cutlery, and the cleanup all just too much for you to handle? Well, friend, you're in luck. For just five times the price of one of those tedious grocery store bananas, Starbucks is now offering hassle free "to go" bananas!

Low calorie rant

There is a truck parked on my street advertising some type of pita bread wrap. The claim on the side of the truck is that their product has "half the fat and half the carbs of regular bread." While I am sure this is true, you have to consider the fact that a pita wrap also contains half the bread.

This sparked a business idea. I am going to start selling candy bars door-to-door. Each one will taste exactly the same as a regular candy bar, but will have half the fat and half the calories! Here's a photo of my invention.

So that's what that is! (#2)

Here are some more things that I have always wondered about but never bothered to look up (until now).

1. How tall was Napoleon?

2. What is the furthest distance between two points on the surface of the earth?

3. How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?


ANSWERS
1. There is some debate, but Napoleon Bonaparte is generally believed to have been 5 foot 7 inches tall.
2. The farthest you can ever get from your landlord is approximately 12,451 miles (until he dies and goes to hell, of course).
3. I just conducted this (delicious) experiment for myself and I got 633.

Professor Nutbag

I was going through a box of papers the other day and came across some notes from my teaching credential program. I had a few crazy teachers, but the instructor for my EELB 533 class took the cake. The notes below are from one of her classes. She droned on about herself while I wrote down key points of her monologue.

Click the images to make them bigger.

Patented tent consistently, persistently, portents attention!

I just got a new tent and I like it so much I have to blog about it! It's huge, and it only takes a minute to put up. I am not exaggerating. I put it up by myself in one minute (and took it down in two). Definitely the best tent I've ever owned.

2011 Model Coleman 14x10 Foot 8 Person Instant Tent

Free Slurpees!

For one day only, 7-Eleven stores across the nation will be giving out FREE Slurpees. The promotion takes place on July 11th (7-11). Tell your friends!

NOTE: This post was delayed because of the More Rants than Raves "beer reviews every day in July" event. Sorry for any inconvenience.

Guinness Draught

RATING: 5/5



Best. Beer. Ever.


Hope. You. Enjoyed. The. Month. Of. Beer. Reviews. Visit. Again. Soon. For. More. Fun. Stuff.

Twilight Summer Ale

RATING: 4.5/5



Wow. I honestly wasn't expecting too much flavor from a self-described "summer" ale, but this one surprised me. I can see myself throwing back a few dozen of these at a BBQ.

Tower 10 IPA

RATING: 4/5



I've tried most of the beers that Karl Strauss puts out and none of them can stand up to their Tower 10 IPA. It is smooth and hoppy with a crisp bitter-but-not-too-bitter finish. For the purposes of this blog project, all the beers I rated were drank out of a bottle unless otherwise noted. FYI, Tower 10 is even better on tap. I would rate the draught version a 5/5!