Laugh in the new year

I read some funny books this year and thought I would pass along some recommendations.

Happy Boxing Day!

I recently discovered that "Boxing Day" is not, as I once thought, a day for people to take out their holiday frustrations by beating the hell out of each other. According to Wikipedia (a site featured in many a former door-to-door encyclopedia salesmen's suicide note), "Boxing Day is traditionally the day following Christmas Day, when servants and tradesmen would receive gifts, known as a 'Christmas box', from their bosses or employers."

So if you have servants, get them something nice. If you are a servant, rise up and kill your master already! (See the movie Django Unchained or the intro on Nas's album It Was Written for reference/inspiration.)

Top 5 reindeer (+ worst ever)

1. Rudolph
2. Blitzen
3. Dasher
4. Antonio
5. Comet

Worst: Donner (Is this even a contest?!)

Disagree? Submit your own list as a comment!

Don’t ask, do tell!

I found a bug while playing Call of Duty: Ghosts. In the middle of a mission, two of my fellow squad mates stopped to embrace each other. I tried to move on ahead but they refused to follow. They just stood there holding each other. I’m not sure if they were paralyzed by the horrors of war, or if they were just really into each other. All I know is that I could not advance without my team, and my team was too busy snuggling to follow me into battle.

An underlining problem

You know how sometimes when you're half-asleep you have an idea that you think is brilliant, but the next day you wonder what the hell you were thinking? Well, a couple of nights ago I was lying in bed and I thought:

What if I wrote a blog post about how nobody underlines anything for emphasis on the internet because underlining is now a universal signifier for a hyperlink? That's what I'll do! I'll make a post with a bunch of random words underlined to emphasize how underlined words are now only seen as links. Then maybe I'll sneak in a real link so people will have to scroll over every word with their mouse to see if there is a secret link in my blog post. Wow, this is a super-great idea. I should come up with all my blog posts at four in the morning!

PC Load Letter?!

My printer is out of ink.

What's interesting about the above statement is that no matter when you are reading it, whether it's the day I posted it or any other day in the future, the statement will be true. This is because MY PRINTER IS ALWAYS OUT OF INK.

Even though I print black and white documents 90% of the time, the colored ink consistently runs out. The printer has TWO individual cartridges of black ink, but still requires colored ink to print black and white documents. What kind of scam are these printer companies trying to pull?! Also, when did my computer become such an art snob? "Magenta?" Where I come from it's called purple.

Another compelling fact is that while every other type of technology is getting cheaper, the cost of printer ink seems to be steadily on the rise. I predict that in the future, when physical copies of a document are needed, it will be more cost-effective to just hand out a stack of laptops.

Passive-aggressive masterpiece

Builders cement car to pavement after driver refuses to move it
Metro UK - December 13, 2013

A disagreement got slightly out of hand when builders cemented a car to the pavement.

The argument came about when the car dealer refused to move a parked VW Caddy from the pavement in Belo Horizonte, Brazil.

Mark Drummond, who is not the owner but was responsible for selling the car on, said the pavement had been used to display vehicles for more than 20 years.

Local media reports it is not technically illegal to park here as it is a public space, but construction workers were unable to complete maintenance on the pavement because of the parked car.

They asked Mr Drummond to remove it but he refused, so then they cemented it to the pavement.

Celso Antonio de Faria, the owner of the cement company said: ‘He said I could not lay a finger on the car.’

The Brazilian transport department sent a towing company to remove the car following a number of complaints from locals but found the car fixed to the ground.

Unvention

I hope you enjoyed the samples of my comedy writing! Here's a bonus one that I wrote in 2010 but never put on my site.

I'm always interested in new inventions. The other day I heard about this new "green" toilet paper. No, it's not actually green - that would be gross. This new toilet paper comes without a cardboard tube inside of it (which saves paper, so that future generations can wipe their asses).

At first I thought this was a great idea. What an invention! Why didn't I think of that? Then I started to think about it for a while and I realized it wasn't so much of an invention as an unvention. I mean, someone in history came up with the great idea of putting paper on a roll. I don't know what people were doing before this, and I don't want to know. The point is that somebody had the idea. This other person, the one who "invented" tube-free toilet paper, they must have the sweetest job ever. I can just imagine sitting around the office, brainstorming new unventions.

Me: "You know how everybody has windows in their houses these days?"

Boss: "Uh, yeah."

Me: "What if we made new windows that didn't use any glass? These "windowless window frames" would be great for the environment (since they would save lots of glass), and they would never have to be cleaned!"

Boss: "Ryan, you're a goddamn genius!"

Almost almost famous

Guess how many calls I've received so far by people asking me to write for their sitcom? Zero. I know - I can't believe it either. I mean, I've only been writing comedy bits for three weeks, but I have been working hard. I don't know why I am not famous yet, but I know it isn't my fault. In fact, I've done the math and concluded that whenever I have a problem, it is 100% someone else's fault, 100% of the time. You can't argue with mathematical statistics (I've double-checked my work and everything). If these stats aren't correct then that's probably some else's fault too.

Anyway, back to me. I guess I need to decide what type of comedian I want to be. I don't think I want to be like Carrot Top. Everybody makes fun of him and honestly, he scares the shit out of me. Kathy Griffin has the "Life on the D-List" market covered. Maybe I should set my sights even lower. Maybe I should shoot for the "Z-List." I could shout jokes from a street corner, playing to the "stray cat and occasional hobo" demographic.

Either way I guess I'll have to stay in the game for at least a little longer. They say that Rome wasn't built in a day but honestly, how long did it take? I'm hoping not longer than a couple of months.

Troubling signs

I don't understand the signs posted on freeway overpasses that show the clearance height to oncoming truckers. You know the ones that say, "Truck 14 Feet?" I can just imagine a trucker humming along at 70 miles per hour, looking up to see a sign telling him that his semi is too tall for the overpass he's about to go under. What his option at this point? It's like they're giving the truckers just enough time to duck and pray.

I'm amused by signs that say, "For Sale By Owner." Isn't it implied that whoever's selling the item is the owner? What's the alternative to this - "For Sale By Shady Roommate?"

I took a CPR class and learned that when you're choking you're supposed to put your hands up to your throat. This "international choking sign" is supposed to indicate that you need the Heimlich maneuver. I also learned that when you perform the Heimlich on someone, you'll most likely break their ribs. This all makes me very nervous. People naturally put their hands to their throat whenever they're having trouble swallowing, even if they aren't in a life-or-death situation. I think that there should be an additional sign that a person can use if they are really in danger of choking - like a "twig snapping" motion followed by a "thumbs up." That way I can jump right in and start crackin' their ribs like a dump truck running over a pile of walnuts (while saving their life, of course).

Problems

I have a problem with people using the phrase "we're like family" to describe anyone who is not in their actual family. I understand that some people were adopted or raised by people that are not blood relatives. What I don't understand is when people use this phrase to describe anyone who has been in their immediate vicinity for more than 20 minutes. Example: "Everyone in my Learning Annex class is so cool. We're like one big family." Whenever I hear something like this I want to say, "Great! Who's hosting Thanksgiving dinner this year?"

I also have a problem with people that walk around telling everyone how "blessed" they are. People say this about everything and it's getting out of hand. Example: "I never get sick. What can I say, I guess I'm just blessed." I think that suggesting that God chose you to bless more than other people is kind of a dick move.

My final problem (not in life, just for the purposes of this bit) is with what I have termed "extreme complementing." I blame reality TV show judges for starting this epidemic, which has now leaked into mainstream culture. Example: "You are amazing, wonderful, incredible, and one thousand and one percent insanely awesome!" You know another way to complement someone? By using any one of the terms listed above.*

*Except for the "thousand and one percent" thing - that doesn't make any damn sense at all.

I can't quit you, Facebook

I tried to breakup with my Facebook account the other day - have you tried this? The company is a master of manipulation. For those of you who haven't had this experience, I'll walk you through the process.

The first step I took was to remove all personal information from my profile. Bad move. As soon as I clicked "save changes," Facebook went into homewrecker mode. It promptly sent out a notice to everyone I knew, telling them that my "relationship status" had changed. This came as a surprise to me (and an even bigger surprise to my wife).

The next step I took was to try and deactivate my account. Apparently this action prompts Facebook to run its guilt protocol. Facebook told me that if I deactivate my account, "none of my friends will be able to keep in touch with me." Facebook then tried to appeal to my humanity, bombarding me with photos of my friends and family. Each photo had a caption telling me how much the person would miss me when I'm gone. "Jim will miss you." "Kelly will miss you." "You're turning your back on your own brother, you bastard." Okay, I may have made the last one up but you get the idea.

The final stage in this emotionally draining and dramatic process was to choose from a list of reasons explaining why I was closing my account. The very first option was, "I don't understand how to use Facebook." That's right, when all else failed Facebook resorted to using childish insults. It might as well have said, "What's the matter dummy? Everyone else seems to have figured it out."

Ultimately, I caved and kept my account. I know I'm being emotionally abused but what can I say? I can't quit you, Facebook.

I'm telling you for the second time

In the sprit of the approaching new year I have decided to post some of my comedy writing on this blog. I initially wrote these comedic gems for bitsofcomedy.com. While I still plan to maintain that site in a different capacity, I want to post some of my older material before coming up with new stuff in the upcoming year. Kind of like what Seinfeld did in '98 when he threw away all his existing material and started over from scratch. Except that I'm not a famous comedian, I haven't spent years honing my craft, and I definitely plan on using this material again.

Enjoy!

Sprite to the rescue!

Researchers in China have determined that Sprite soda is the single best way to cure a hangover. The study tested 57 beverages and found that the ingredients in Sprite work the best at breaking down acetaldehyde, a harsh byproduct of alcohol that ends up lingering in your system after a night of heavy drinking.


Now all that’s left is to get real drunk and try it out! Leave a comment with the results of your own super-scientific Sprite hangover experiment.*

*Do not conduct this experiment if you're a minor (even with a kick-ass mustache), are pregnant (congrats!), have a severe Sprite allergy (what?), are missing a liver (again, what?), or are one of those mean drunks who can't handle their shit (you know who I'm talking about).

The stupid ones

I know that I've been ranting a lot about TV and movies lately, but in my defense there's a lot to rant about. Before I move on to other topics, I wanted to leave you with this image from The Crazy Ones. In an ad for the show, the cast dances in sync with one of those inflatable stick-guy things. I tried to get a video clip but apparently The Smithsonian confiscated the ad for use in an exhibit titled, "The Collapse of Western Civilization."

Let It Snow

December is here again and you know what that means. A barrage of craptastic made-for-TV holiday movies, brought to you by The Hallmark Channel. It is becoming a tradition in my family to watch at least one of these disasters every year. The latest one I saw was called Let it Snow.

It stars Candace Cameron Bure of Full House fame, and Alan Thicke of my son is a sleazy perv fame. The set looks like a Hallmark store threw up all over the inside of a log cabin, and the characters ask each other soul-searching questions such as, "do you believe in Christmas?"