Maryland loves pants

A company called SwiftKey recently created a map of the US that shows the "most used emoji" in each state. I split the map to show more detail.

Some of the emoji's make sense (Hawaii=surfing, Iowa=corn, Oklahoma=spooky ghosts). Other emojis leave a lot of questions. For example, why is Nevada using the phallic eggplant thing so much? And what the hell is going on in Louisiana?!





If you visit to the interactive map you can click on each state for details. That's how I learned that people in Utah are really into oral sex with aliens.

Ryan Danger Sims on HuffPost Live

I was recently contacted by The Huffington Post and asked to participate in an interview with Paul Scheer and Rob Huebel! Check out the video below. I come in at the 23:30 mark, looking distracted while feeding my daughter (who's in her highchair offscreen).

Update (7/1/17): The video no longer plays on HuffPost! They're probably just trying to avoid having to pay me backdated residuals once I make it big.

Helpful site

Wanted to share a very useful website. I check it dozens of times a day for updates.

isitchristmas.com

I'm thinking zero moves ahead

Started playing Chess with Friends with my brother. It is not going well. Here are some screen shots of our conversation while playing. (He's the yellow A, I'm the blue dude with no face.)

Rant (no caption necessary)

Putting Songs on Blast #8

SONG: Papa Was A Rollin' Stone
ARTIST: The Temptations
LYRIC: "Papa was a rolling stone, wherever he laid his hat was his home. And when he died, all he left us was a loan."

It's bad enough the guy wasn't around, but the fact that he left his kids to deal with his financial problems is inexcusable.

SONG: Love Me Like You Do
ARTIST: Ellie Goulding
LYRIC: "Touch me like you do."

It is impossible NOT to touch someone "like you do." The fact that the lyrics are phrased in the present tense means that the person could touch her however they wanted and it would be "like they do." They could literally just be flicking her in the eyeball.

Doctor's orders

Check out this prescription I found posted above a gas pump:



Now print this out, mail it to your boss, and BOOM! You're off work until the end of summer! When you finally return to work on September 22nd, make sure you give your boss a big thank you hug.*

*Bonus: If your boss fires you for leaving work and not coming back for 5 weeks you can sue Chevrolet and possibly never have to work again!

Zen merch

I can't think of a better way to "live in the moment" than to spend $8 on a box of rocks.

Phil's Birthday Surprise

I wrote an episode idea for the second season of The Last Man on Earth. Here it is for your consideration.

While on their road trip, Carol finds out it’s Phil’s birthday. She gets excited and starts planning. Carol sneaks off one night and we see her driving towards Tucson. She’s back by morning, but Phil gets curious and starts asking questions. Carol hints that she’s putting together a kind of sexy birthday surprise for him.

Phil becomes convinced that Carol has asked one of the ladies from Tucson to have a threesome with them for his birthday. Carol seems to confirm his theory by making references like, “I know you’re a curious camper, Phil.”

When the big moment arrives Carol leads Phil into their bedroom and we see that Phil was right. Carol has planned a threesome . . . with the mannequin from the pilot. Carol has put the mannequin back together and made a craft project out of making her “sexy” by bedazzling her with glitter and dressing her in hand-knitted lingerie. At first Phil is upset that it’s not one of the other women, but when Carol starts awkwardly kissing the mannequin and bringing its arm up to “caress” her side, Phil shrugs off his disappointment and gets into it.

At this point the scene could go a few different ways.

• There could be a super-awkward sex scene between the three characters.
• Carol could get jealous and Phil would have to settle for the mannequin sitting in the corner, “watching.”
• Carol could introduce a male mannequin into the mix once things get hot and heavy, at which point Phil becomes jealous.

Congratulations to everyone involved in this project

What exactly is going on here? Someone got scissors to cut out a small piece of paper, wrote a message with a Sharpie, highlighted the message to add emphasis, and attached the note with packing tape. Did anyone think of maybe just replacing the pen?