Happy Not 2020 Anymore!

As Norwegian playwright, theatre director, and person generaly recognized as the "father of realism" once (kind of) said, "A Bitmoji is worth a thousand words."

Speaking of Henrik Johan Ibsen. Check this dude out. There are at least 1,000 words that could describe his sideburns alone.

Low wattage

If you want to know what it's like being a Chargers fan, this 39 second video says it all. Click the bolt below to watch. (The audio quality is terrible so make sure to turn your sound all the way up.)

 

I tried to embed this video into my blog, but the NFL claimed copyright infringement. Which is crazy because that means that YouTube recognized this video after I recorded it in my own home by holding up my iPhone to my TV. I then edited the clip (cropped, clipped, and adjusted for perspective) and uploaded it to YouTube. Within less than a minute, it was flagged as a copy. WHAT IS HAPPENING

One (Putter)ball to rule them all

 

Ladies and gentlemen, theys and thems, allow me to introduce you to the next big backyard game craze:

It's Putterball y'all! A cross between beer pong and mini golf, Putterball is the ultimate party game. And no, I am not getting paid for this endorsement. I just want to share about it because it's super duper fun. That's right, I added a duper to my super. That's how fun this game is.

 

Putterball can be played inside, outside, at the beach, at the park, on a boat, with a goat – the sky's the limit! My friend and future Putterball pro Shawn Pavlik and I came up with some alternate rules to make the game even mo' better. Here are the ones we came up with so far. I'll add more as we go!

Blind (eyes closed)

Backwards (putt from the other side of the green)

Distraction (distract your opponent as much as possible)

Windmill (swing your club back and forth in front of your hole like the windmill in mini-golf)

Icing the Putter (once per game a player may yell "Ice!" in their opponents back swing, which cancels their opponents shot and ends their turn)

Shoulder Shot (looks like a chip shot but must be fluid movement that ends with putting)

U-Call (call your shot and if you make it you cover two holes, if you miss you take away a cover)

Petty (if you don't make it to the last section of the green your opponent can putt from one section up next time)

Double Corner (shoot from a corner behind the logo and if you make it your opponent covers two of your holes)

Billiards (get on the ground and shoot the ball with the back of your club like it's a pool cue)

Tweener (putt from between your legs, grandma shot style)

Logo Bonus (if you land your ball on the ‘PutterBall’ logo you immediately get an extra shot)

One Handed (either hand)

Upside-down Club (basically impossible)

Dizzy Spinner (place your forehead on the top of your club and spin around 3 times, then run to the green and putt your ball)

Tee Off (putt your ball from the top of two hole covers stacked on top of one another)

Reverse Putter (putt with the club facing the wrong way)

Shot Putt (place one or more shot glasses/beers in the middle of the green and if someone hits it they have to drink)

Countdown (place a nickel, dime, or quarter on the green and if a player rolls over it and makes the shot, the opponent counts out each cent the coin is worth while the player drinks)

Also remember that you can put a towel or other objects beneath the green to change the terrain in order to make it more challenging.

Have fun!

Beer to the rescue!

This article's from a couple weeks back, but the world's still on fire so I figure it's still relevant. Stock up on cheap beer people!

Man Uses Bud Light to Help Save His Home from California Wildfire: 'I Didn't Have Any Water'
People Magazine (article excerpt) - August 26, 2020

A man was able to help save his home from one of the many wildfires raging across California thanks to some quick thinking and a case of Bud Light.

Chad Little and his family were preparing to evacuate from their Vacaville residence last Wednesday when he decided to use his drink of choice as a last-ditch attempt to stop the LNU Lightning Complex Fire from destroying his property, KCRA reported.

Little — who had lost his home in an attic fire five years ago and is in the process of rebuilding it again — told the outlet he initially tried using water from a hose, but realized that his utilities had been shut off when the surrounding flames quickly approached his workshop.

“I didn’t have any water,” he recalled. “I had one barrel with a little bit of water in it and I tried using that, but it didn’t work."

That's when Little said he reached for the only other liquid he had left: a 30-pack of Bud Light.

Using a nail he had found to puncture the cans, Little said he began "shaking it up, popping it and spraying them, throwing them down and grabbing another one" to help dose the fire. 

Eventually, firefighters arrived on scene and [were] able to put out the blaze.

The Great TikTok Pub Quiz #2!

If you liked the first one, you're gonna' love the sequel! It's a another big download (353 MB), but it's worth every bit of those bytes. Again, all you need to do is familiarize yourself with the presentation and have everyone who's playing print a copy of the answer sheet to play along.

Click the image below to download the PowerPoint deck!


I shouldn't have to say this, but it's 2020 and the president is trying to ban TikTok so here goes: rest assured that all TikTok videos in this PowerPoint were downloaded to my secure MacBook before independently being incorporated into the game with no links back to TikTok. This download will not compromise your personal data or privacy in any way.

The Great TikTok Pub Quiz!

I created an interactive pub quiz game to play over Zoom! Trust me when I say it is awesome. It's a big PowerPoint file (282 MB), but it is all self contained and ready to go. All you need to do is familiarize yourself with the presentation and have everyone who's playing print a copy of the answer sheet to play along.

Click the image below to download the PowerPoint deck!

I shouldn't have to say this, but it's 2020 and the president is trying to ban TikTok so here goes: rest assured that all TikTok videos in this PowerPoint were downloaded to my secure MacBook before independently being incorporated into the game with no links back to TikTok. This download will not compromise your personal data or privacy in any way.

Making friends

I made a new friend on Skype!

I believe I have my stapler

That moment when you realize that one of your favorite video game franchises (Just Cause) is referencing your all-time favorite movie (Office Space):


(Click the above image to enlarge.)

Speaking of Office Space, look what I found (and immediately purchased) on Amazon last week! I can't believe they are actually selling this cross promotion. I thought I had gotten the right one last year at my former job, but this one's the real deal.

Visualize this video

I found this video both informative and comforting. Hope it helps.

Take care

I found this video both informative and comforting. Hope it helps.

SSSSC Recipe

While we're all "hunkering down" I thought I'd share a cookie recipe that requires only a few basic ingredients which most people already have in their house. I present the Sims' Secret Sesame Street Cookie recipe! My mom found it in a children's book printed in 1978, and it may be the best sugar cookie recipe of all time. They bake best when rolled out with a rolling pin and then baked at 375˚ for 7 minutes. Click the image to download a pdf copy of the recipe. Take care of yourself everyone!

Donkey toes

The Spades Plus drama continues as one of my in-game friends has been banned in the chatroom and must now communicate through in-game messaging.

1,000 posts to see before you die

This is post 1,000 for More Rants than Raves!

To celebrate, I'm posting a photo of a thousand dollar bill. These bills were once in circulation in the US. When I was little I actually held one in my hands (and promptly gave it back because I was a kid and couldn't afford that shit).



Thank you readers for participating in this labor of love. Each of you is a special rainbow flower who deserves the best that life can offer.

Ballin' out of control

Although I am not a basketball fan, I am not not a fan of basketball. What I mean is that while I don't follow the sport, I do enjoy watching the occasional game (unless it's my son playing–then I'm just on my phone). Just kidding people settle down! This preamble is just a convoluted way to introduce a couple of awesome dunks by Aaron Gordon from yesterday's 2020 NBA Slam Dunk Contest. Enjoy.





And here's one from a few years back that is just insane.

At least we have Spades

I have been playing Spades Plus again on my iPhone and it’s just as fun/horrible as I remember. I enjoy the game, but the app is kind of a dumpster fire when it comes to interacting with other people.

In the game you can give other players virtual “drinks” as a nice gesture. The other day I (under the username Pigbutt McGee) bought a guy a "beer." Rather than thanking me (or just not replying at all), he asked for a Sprite.

Now, I understand that there are recovering alcoholics out there who may not like an image of a beer on their screen. But there are a few important things to point out here. First off, Sprite is not even an option available in the game. Secondly, he could have easily replaced the "beer" himself with an icon of a water bottle or coffee. And lastly, and I can't stress this enough, the beer is not real.

So I came back with this reply:

Then I felt a little bad for being so sarcastic in case he had a real drinking problem, so I decided to play along.

And then, things got weird.

At this point I decided to lean in to his delusion, so he doesn't track me down and try to murder me.

Fun times!

Oscars monologue jokes by Ryan Danger Sims

I wrote some monologue jokes for the E! Live From the Red Carpet Oscars pre show this year, but the segment featuring monologue jokes got cut last minute (which is a very Hollywood thing to happen during a Hollywood event). Aaaaanyway, here are my jokes for your personal enjoytainment™!

Robert De Niro, Al Pacino and Joe Pesci were great in ​The Irishman​. It did so well, Netflix is making a sequel. It’s gonna be called ​The Italian​ starring Colin Farrell, Liam Neeson and Chris O’Dowd.

The movies this year were intense. We watched a maniacal villain go berserk, we cried over lost love, and witnessed some truly epic battle scenes. And that was just ​Toy Story 4​.

1917​ is about WWI. ​Jojo Rabbit​ is about WWII. ​Once Upon a Time in Hollywood​ is about to start a civil war between fans over who is the hottest leading man.

The Joker​ has been nominated for Best Makeup. Maybe for the beginning of the movie. In the second half the makeup department went WAY overboard in my opinion.

In addition to being nominated for 6 Oscars tonight, ​Marriage Story​ has been voted “worst movie to watch on your honeymoon.”

Adam Sandler joked that he’d make a terrible movie on purpose if he doesn’t win an Oscar. We love Adam, but future Academy voters please take note: nobody wants the creator of ​Grown Ups 2​ to actually TRY to make a bad movie.

Although ​Jojo Rabbit​ sounds like a kid’s movie, don’t plan a kindergarten viewing party or you may get accused of being “irresponsible” by another parent even though he dropped his kid off at the party and left to go vape in his car I’M TALKING TO YOU JEFF

Well traveled

I don't like to brag, but...

Drippin' with electrolytes

I was explaining the tradition of dumping Gatorade on a coach's head after a big win to my son and found this delightful video. Enjoy!

Super Bowl LIV Party Game

Super Bowl LIV is one week away and you know what that means. Time for some crazy prop bets! As a special bonus, this year I made a printout that you can print out! Give everyone a copy at the beginning of your Super Bowl party and have a contest to see who gets the most right!



NATIONAL ANTHEM

How Long Will It Take Demi Lovato to Sing the National Anthem?
(From moment she sings first word until she completes saying "brave" for the first time.)
Over 2 Minutes -220
Under 2 Minutes +155

Will Demi Lovato’s Hair Color Be Completely Black?
Yes -190
No +145

COMMERCIALS

Which Commercial Will Appear First? - Audi or Porsche
Audi -125
Porsche -115

Which Commercial Will Appear First? - Coca-Cola or SodaStream (PepsiCo)
Coca-Cola EVEN
SodaStream (PepsiCo) -140

Which Commercial Will Appear First? - Mountain Dew or Toyota
Mountain Dew -120
Toyota -120

Which Commercial Will Appear First? - Pop-Tarts or Doritos
Pop-Tarts +110
Doritos -150

THE GAME

What Will Happen First in the Game?
Sack -120
Touchdown -120

Will a Kicker Hit the Goalpost on a Missed Field Goal or Extra Point Attempt?
Yes +350
No -600

Will Either Team Attempt a 2-PT Conversion?
Yes -135
No -105

Will a Fan Run Onto the Field During the Game?
Yes +700
No -1600

HALFTIME SHOW

How Many Wardrobe Changes for Jennifer Lopez?
0 To 2 Times +110
More Than 2 Times -150

How Many Times Will Alex Rodriguez Be Shown During the Halftime Show?
(Live pictures only.)
0 Times -330
1 Or More +215

Will DJ Khaled Make an Appearance During the Halftime Show?
Yes +170
No -250

Will Shakira and Jennifer Lopez Twerk During the Halftime Show?
(Both Must Twerk for Yes to be graded the winner. Twerk is defined as a dance move involving thrusting hip movements and a low, squatting stance.)
Yes +190
No -290

END OF GAME

What Color Will the Liquid Be That Is Poured on the Game Winning Coach?
Lime/Green/Yellow +320
Orange +450
Red +145
Clear/Water +335
Blue +450
Purple +1400

Who Will the Super Bowl MVP Mention First in His Speech?
Teammates +150
God +210
City +800
Coach +450
Owner +1400
Family Or Family Members +550
Does Not Mention Any Of The Above +500

All wagers are actual bets being offered by Bovada online casino as of 01/26/2020.

Legendary

Irishman Shay Bradley made a recording of himself and requested that it be played at his funeral.

I gave it a shot

What happened to Hermey?!

The character Hermey from the holiday classic Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer has apparently gone through some shit.



I saw him in an ad outside my local grocery store and I have to say he ain't looking too good. I don't know if he inhaled too much gas in dental school or if one of those reindeers kicked him in the head, but I think it's safe to say that old Hermey is no longer the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.

Apparently, breathing is good for you

The 2019 holiday season is over. On a totally unrelated note, I just learned a new way to reduces stress and calm your body's "fight or flight" reaction caused by intense anxiety.

It's a Navy SEAL technique for reducing stress and staying calm called "box breathing." Box breathing has a ton of benefits, including:

+ Positively affecting emotions and mental well-being.
+ Increasing mental clarity, energy, and focus.
+ Zoning out your crazy aunt who loudly complains that all children are lazy and ungrateful while sitting on her ass doing jack shit.

Here's a diagram explaining the process. Start at the top and don't stop until you pass out!*

*That last part is a joke don't sue me.