Technology is not for everyone

Recently a company named Robert Half Technology conducted a survey in which they asked technical support agents across the US to share the most odd help requests they have received.

Here are some of the actual questions asked of them:

"Can you reset the Internet for me?"

"Where can I get software to track UFOs?"

"My computer is telling me to press any key to continue. Where is the 'any' key?"

And my personal favorite:

"How do I get my computer's coffee-cup holder to come out again?" (The person had confused their CD-ROM drive with a drink holder.)

Truly breathtaking*

*Awesome title, I know.

I was watching Regis & Kelly last Friday and I saw a man named Tom Sietas break the world record for a person holding their breath underwater. He was submerged for 17 minutes and 19 seconds (approximately 17 minutes more than I can hold my breath)! Adding to the excitement is the fact that he beat the previous record held by douche bag extraordinaire David Blaine.





It should be noted that Kevin Costner is challenging the ruling. He is upset because he has been forbidden to compete for the record due to the fact that he has gills.

Top 5 comedians (+ worst ever)

1. [redacted]*
2. [redacted]*
3. [redacted]*
4. [redacted]*
5. [redacted]*

Worst: [redacted]*

*Sorry, I'm working in comedy now and can't afford to play favorites!

More pick-up lines

If you were words on a page, you'd be fine print.

Hey baby, you've got something on your butt: my eyes.

I'm like chocolate pudding, I look like shit but I'm as sweet as can be.

Somebody call Animal Control because I just spotted a fox!

Celine Dion should be drowned

According to an old In Touch magazine I found lying around my house (my primary source for all news) Celine Dion used 6.5 million gallons of water in her Florida home last year. I did some research and found that according to the U.S. Geological Survey the average American uses approximately 33,000 gallons of water per year. Just what in the hell is Celine doing with the extra 6,467,000 gallons?! Her lawyer says that there was a "broken pipe" that went unnoticed for the better part of a year. That settles it - I'm officially moving her to the top of my "People to Kill" list.

Give me a C-R-A-Z-Y!

Mom allegedly uses daughter's ID to be cheerleader
Associated Press (article excerpt) - September 12, 2007

A 33-year-old woman is charged with stealing her daughter's identity to attend high school and join the cheerleading team. Wendy Brown, of Green Bay, faces a felony identity theft charge after enrolling in Ashwaubenon High School as her 15-year-old daughter, who lives in Nevada with Brown's mother.

"The defendant stated she wanted to get her high school degree and be a cheerleader because she had no childhood and was trying to regain a part of her life she missed," according to the complaint.

She allegedly attended cheerleading practices before school started, received a cheerleader's locker and went to a pool party at the cheerleading coach's house.

A high school employee, Kim Demeny, told authorities that the woman, posing at the teen, seemed very timid, told her she was not good in math and even cried when she talked about moving from Pahrump Valley High School in Pahrump, Nev. Demeny said she looked older than a student, but he believed her demeanor was consistent with that of a high school girl.

A school liaison officer started investigating Monday after Brown only showed up for the first day of classes last week, the complaint said.

The complaint also said the $134.50 check Brown gave to the cheerleading coach for her uniform bounced.

If convicted, she could face up to six years in prison and a $10,000 fine.

Top 5 excuses for neglecting my blog (+ worst ever)

1. Out of the country (Belize and Guatemala)
2. Car problems (clutch burnt out 400 miles from home)
3. Apartment problems (a hole in ceiling, a-hole maintenance person)
4. Out of town (visiting family, wedding, etc.)
5. Enrolling in teaching credential program

Worst: Playing video games

Rat turds

I can't believe you actually typed "rat turds" into the search bar. That is just gross. Just what exactly did you expect to find? A picture of rat turds? A rat turd fan page?! Well sorry to disappoint you, sicko.

Note: If you stumbled upon this post in the More Rants than Raves archives, you are probably confused. Click here for clarification.

All right, all right, all right

I heard a rumor that Matthew McConaughey's nephew is named after a brand of beer. I thought this was too good to be true but it turns out that it is indeed a fact. According to IMBD Matthew McConaughey's brother "Rooster" named his son "Miller Lyte McConaughey." The site also states that Matthew "doesn't wear deodorant or cologne" and is "afraid of revolving doors." You can't make this stuff up.


Rooster (left) and his famoso bro Mateo (right).

There will be links

Ladies and gentlemen, if I say I'm a blog man you will agree. As a blog man, I hope that you'll forgive just good old fashioned plain-speaking. Over the course of my online career I have been fortunate enough to stumble upon a variety of websites that boggle the mind and stimulate the soul. It is my intention to post links to these sites for you fine people to peruse at your convenience. I will post this list of links on the upper left side of this blog and I will update them as I see fit. It is my hope that by viewing these sites you will find entertainment and enjoyment beyond compare. Happy hunting.

Living high on the hog

3 words: hi nik kin

My 30th birthday is this weekend and my better half is throwing me a party. Friends and family are coming over for video games, horseshoes, pool basketball, cake, and a Heineken keg. I can't wait. The last time I was drinking off a Heineken keg my brothers and I stayed up all night and ended up spraying down the neighborhood with a fire extinguisher.

The mark of the beast

I went to Baker's fast food today and my order came out to an even $6.66. I'm not really religious but I will say that there is something quite unsettling about getting handed a scrap of paper with Satan's signature on it while preparing to feast on the delicious flesh of a slaughtered calf.

My favorite performance artist

Tehching Hsieh is a New York City-based performance artist who has done some incredible projects. Here are some brief descriptions of my favorite performances.

1978-79 ONE YEAR PERFORMANCE
From 9/29/78 to 9/30/79 Hsieh remained in a cage without talking, reading, writing, listening to the radio or watching TV.

1980-1981 ONE YEAR PERFORMANCE
From 4/11/80 to 4/11/81 Hsieh punched a time clock every hour on the hour (day and night) in the same location. He took a picture of himself each time he punched the clock and put the images together to make a 6 minute movie. He shaved his head before he started the piece and you can watch his hair grow throughout the video.

1981-1982 ONE YEAR PERFORMANCE
From 9/26/81 to 9/26/82 Hsieh stayed outdoors without shelter, refusing to enter any building, subway, train, car, airplane, ship, cave, or tent.

1983-84 ONE YEAR PERFORMANCE
From 7/4/83 to 7/4/84 Hsieh and a woman named Linda Montano lived tied together at the waist by an 8 foot rope, being careful never to touch each other. The two did not know each other before the piece began.

Is that a synthesizer in your pocket?

I am really excited about the latest music video game coming to the Nintendo DS. According to IGN.com: "KORG is teaming with AQ Interactive to bring a true music creation tool to the DS with KORG DS-10, which is basically a synthesizer and mix tool that fits in your pocket. We were stunned the first time we heard the quality of audio that comes from this uniqe [sic] game, and while its extremely technical (it acts like a professional piece of software), it also looks extremely simple to get into and start creating with."



Now all I need is a saxophone game and I can make some kick-ass slow jams.

I know what I want for my birthday

Safety in numbers for speeding drivers
Reuters (article excerpt) - May 7, 2008

Speeding drivers in south China are getting clear away thanks to machines which switch the numbers on their licence plates in seconds, state media said on Tuesday.

"More than 50 percent of cars caught on camera for speeding and other offences either cover up their plates or use a fake licence plate," a traffic policeman in the Guangdong city of Yangjiang was quoted by the Beijing Youth Daily as saying.

"Our chances of capturing them is next to nil."

The price of the remote-control device starts at around 800 yuan ($115), while a more advanced apparatus with the ability to flip over the numbers in less than three seconds costs more than double.

"The era of covering up the licence plate by hand has passed," a driver surnamed Zheng told the newspaper.

Caffeine amounts in popular drinks!!!!!!!

Starbucks Tall Coffee =========== 21.67 mg/oz
Starbucks Double Shot =========== 20.00 mg/oz
Coffee (Drip) =================== 18.13 mg/oz
Einstein Bros Coffee ============ 12.88 mg/oz
Starbucks Tall Caffe Americano == 12.50 mg/oz
SoBe No Fear ==================== 10.88 mg/oz
Monster Energy Drink ============ 10.00 mg/oz
Rockstar ======================== 10.00 mg/oz
Red Bull ======================== 9.64 mg/oz
SoBe Adrenaline Rush ============ 9.52 mg/oz
Mad-Croc Energy Drink =========== 9.47 mg/oz
Starbucks Bottled Frappucino ==== 9.47 mg/oz
Jolt Cola ======================= 9.36 mg/oz
McDonald's Coffee =============== 9.08 mg/oz
TaB Energy ====================== 9.05 mg/oz
Full Throttle Energy Drink ====== 9.00 mg/oz
Dunkin' Donuts Coffee =========== 8.94 mg/oz
Mountain Dew Amp ================ 8.93 mg/oz
Starbucks Tall Caffe Mocha ====== 7.92 mg/oz
Hansen's Energy ================= 6.87 mg/oz
Starbucks Tall Caffe Latte ====== 6.25 mg/oz
Starbucks Tall Cappuccino ======= 6.25 mg/oz
Mountain Dew Game Fuel ========== 6.00 mg/oz
SoBe Essential Energy =========== 6.00 mg/oz
Tazo Chai ======================= 5.88 mg/oz
Tea (Brewed or Iced) ============ 5.88 mg/oz
Coca-Cola Blak ================== 5.75 mg/oz
Diet Pepsi Max ================== 5.75 mg/oz
Mountain Dew (Reg. or Diet) ===== 4.58 mg/oz
Pepsi One ======================= 4.58 mg/oz
Mountain Dew Baja Blast ========= 4.50 mg/oz
Mountain Dew Code Red =========== 4.50 mg/oz
Diet RC Cola ==================== 3.94 mg/oz
TaB ============================= 3.88 mg/oz
RC Cola ========================= 3.77 mg/oz
Diet Coke ======================= 3.75 mg/oz
Diet Coke with Lime (or Lemon) == 3.75 mg/oz
Diet Vanilla Coke =============== 3.75 mg/oz
RC Cola, Cherry ================= 3.60 mg/oz
Shasta Cola ===================== 3.58 mg/oz
Diet Sunkist Orange Soda ======== 3.50 mg/oz
Dr Pepper (Reg. or Diet) ======== 3.42 mg/oz
Sunkist Orange Soda ============= 3.42 mg/oz
Pibb Xtra ======================= 3.38 mg/oz
Diet Mr. Pibb =================== 3.33 mg/oz
Pepsi-Cola ====================== 3.17 mg/oz
Wild Cherry Pepsi =============== 3.17 mg/oz
Tea (Green) ===================== 3.13 mg/oz
Diet Pepsi ====================== 3.00 mg/oz
Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi ========== 3.00 mg/oz
Coca-Cola Classic =============== 2.88 mg/oz
Coca-Cola Zero ================== 2.88 mg/oz
Cherry Coke (Reg. or Diet) ====== 2.83 mg/oz
Diet Coke with Splenda ========== 2.83 mg/oz
Vanilla Coke ==================== 2.83 mg/oz
Snapple Teas ==================== 2.63 mg/oz
Propel Invigorating Water ======= 2.50 mg/oz
Lipton Iced Teas ================ 2.50 mg/oz
A&W Cream Soda ================== 2.42 mg/oz
Nestea Iced Tea ================= 2.13 mg/oz
Barq's Root Beer ================ 1.88 mg/oz
Diet A&W Cream Soda ============= 1.83 mg/oz
SoBe Green Tea ================== 1.75 mg/oz
Crystal Light Iced Tea ========== 1.41 mg/oz
Starbucks Tall Decaf Coffee ===== 0.79 mg/oz
Lipton Brisk Teas =============== 0.75 mg/oz
Chocolate Milk ================== 0.63 mg/oz
Hot Cocoa ======================= 0.63 mg/oz

Sprite, 7-Up, A&W Root Beer, Mug Root Beer, Diet Barq's Root Beer, Sierra Mist, Minute Maid Orange, Slice, Squirt and Fresca all have no caffeine. Information in this post was found at energyfiend.com.

What doesn't happen when you're drunk?

Drunk Russian sleeps off knifing
BBC News - April 17, 2008

A Russian man trying to sleep off a night of after-work drinking failed to notice a six-inch (15-cm) knife in his back - until his wife woke him up.

Yuri Lyalin, 53, took a bus home, ate breakfast and apparently slept like a baby before his spouse noticed a handle sticking out of his back.

He was rushed to casualty but doctors found no vital organs damaged.

Mr Lyalin shrugged the episode off but the drinking partner who stabbed him faces trial, Russian media report.

"Unique and intriguing the case may be, but the accused faces a severe punishment," said Pavel Vorobyov, a deputy prosecutor in the northern city of Vologda.

'We were drinking'

Mr Lyalin, an electrician, had spent the evening drinking with a watchman at his workplace when they got into an argument, Interfax news agency reports.

The morning found him waking up in the watchman's office but instead of going back to work, he decided to take the bus home.

At home, Mr Lyalin had some sausage from the fridge and lay down to sleep, the Komsomolskaya Pravda newspaper says.

After a couple of hours, his wife noticed the handle sticking out of his back and called an ambulance.

Viktor Belov, a surgeon who treated him, found a kitchen knife in Mr Lyalin's back but "by good fortune, it had gone through soft tissue without touching vital organs".

His alleged attacker reported the crime to the police himself, Interfax adds. Mr Lyalin apparently feels fine and bears no ill-will.

"We were drinking and what doesn't happen when you're drunk?" he was quoted by Komsomolskaya Pravda as saying.

Joke recommender

A professor at UC Berkley has designed a website that uses a computer algorithm to recommend jokes to people based on their ratings of previous jokes. Go to eigentaste.berkeley.edu to check it out. I know this is hard to read but I really wanted to post in yellow!

My Xbox Live gamercard

I've been busy breaking in my new Xbox and I thought I would post my gamercard for all to see. This nifty little widget shows the games I'm currently playing, along with my gamer photo, my achievement points and my video game moniker: Pigbutt McGee. If you have a 360 make sure to add me as a friend so we can meet up online and shoot some punk teenagers!