"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Unless you throw a dictionary at me." - Stephen Colbert
"I went into a shoe store and I said, 'Uh, hey can I get those in a 10?' The guy said, 'sure' and he went in the back. Then a couple minutes later he came out and he goes, 'I don't have a 10, I have a 9.' Great, 'cause while you were in the back, my toes were severed off. Normally it would be stupid for you to say a number different than what we agreed on, but given my recent accident you're right on." - Demetri Martin
"At the Olive Garden, they like to say, 'When you're here, you're family.' It's true. I showed up with a date, and the hostess said, 'We think you could do better.'" - Aparna Nancherla
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