I can't go to VEGAS because I have a BABY!

It's been a long time since I've been to Vegas, but I'm trying to stay sharp so I'll be ready when I return. Mental Floss just published a list of gambling tips from casino expert Bill Zender. I narrowed down the list and posted my favorites below.




IDENTIFY THE CLUMSIEST DEALERS
Zender estimates there are fewer than 100 professional blackjack card counters in the world. If you happen to be one of them, you might nab a 1.5 percent advantage. So save your energy, Zender advises; instead keep an eye out for the sloppy blackjack dealer who will accidentally flash the face-down card. Zender once made a living exploiting this, keeping a notebook of 35 weak dealers from 16 different casinos. The strategy is called "card holing," and it can give you a 6 to 9 percent edge over the house.

LOOK FOR WONKY ROULETTE WHEELS
The roulette wheel is a mechanical instrument. Over time, the wheel may become unbalanced or the frets separating the numbers may suffer wear and tear. The more a wheel is used, the more worn down it gets--and the more it may privilege certain numbers.

DON'T PLAY SLOTS
The average slot machine is probably two, three times more costly to players than the table games. If you insist on cranking a handle, focus on slots that cost $5 or more and play the max bet. On penny slots, the odds are jacked up in the house's favor by 15 to 20 percent.

DON'T PLAY KENO
Your chances are terrible. At some casinos, the house has a 35 percent edge. No gambler has ever matched all 20 numbers on a 20-spot ticket. The odds of it ever happening are 1 in 3,535,316,142,212,174,336. (That's 3.5 quintillion!)

PLAY VIDEO POKER
If there's an exception to the adage that the house always wins, it's in video poker. Typically, the house has only a 0.46 percent advantage (while some versions lean in the gambler's favor). The pay table is posted right on the machine, and the payoff is high. The catch? To cash out, you need to play at an expert level. Casinos make profits on video poker because most players simply aren't skilled enough. So study up.

*BONUS TIP*
The worse your odds, the better your chances for a free drink. So hang out at a game with terrible odds, grab a free beer, and then head over to whatever game you actually plan on playing.

Warning

This wind-up caterpillar toy is NOT for children.

Soul patrol

An evangelist came to my door and handed me a brochure. I didn't think much of it until he left and I had a chance to leaf through the pamphlet. Here are the first three pages.







Um, is this guy going to come back and murder me?

What the what?!

While searching my name on Google I came across a Ryan Danger imposter! This dude is using my first name as his first name and my middle name as his last name! Although I was initially upset that someone was trying to steal my identity again (see the Hobo McGee incident of '07), I have to admit that his impression of me is pretty spot-on. His sexy smirk and irresistible chick magnetism really remind me of me.



I'm not sure what this dude actually does except pose for photographs in a jumpsuit. Check out ryan-danger.com to see if you can figure it out.

Strike two

A few months ago I posted a note to realtors based on a sign I saw in my neighborhood. Yesterday I noticed that the signs have been updated. The good news is that they no longer look like missing person ads. The bad news is that the signs now feature a ghost lady that may or may not haunt your new home.

Another awesome video

As I mentioned previously, my social life these days consists mainly of hanging out with my (amazing) kids. We don't watch a lot of TV, but every once in a while I come across a video that I just gotsta share. Check out Feist performing this sendup of her song "1234."

True dat

Check out this license plate frame!

Hoowwllllllll!

It's Friday the 13th and there is a full moon. If you ever wanted to hunt werewolves, tonight is the night!

Ridin' dirty

This video was sent to me by my friend Jim. He described it by saying, "It's stupid, but it makes me grin like an idiot." I couldn't agree more.

NOTICE:

Due to the general incompetence of the company that hosts my websites, none of the images on this blog are currently available. It's actually a pretty big company so the fact that their servers are down may indicate a "Terminator Rise of the Machines" type scenario in which computers have finally become self-aware. If that is the case then stop reading this post immediately and hit your computer with a hammer.

I'll update this post when the images are back online (assuming we are all still alive).

UPDATE: The photos are back (obviously). 6/11/14 @12:26PM

I'm famous!

A couple of days ago I called in to NPR to weigh in on a discussion of whether or not Tom Cruise is crazy. I was patched immediately through! Today I called in again to offer my wonderful insight, and again I was put straight on the air. I practically have my own show at this point. I am currently inquiring about how much money I should expect to earn on residuals when people listen to the archived broadcast.

Click the images below to listen to the programs I guest starred on. You can hear the whole broadcast(s) by clicking the "Listen Now" button on the left of each page.

I come on the air at the 13:25 mark.


I come on the air at the 6:37 mark.