Taking The Elf Off The Shelf: What Santa’s Little Snitch Can Do For You

Elf on the Shelf is a popular plush toy that sits on your mantle, “watching” your kids. Children know that they need to be on their best behavior, because the elf reports directly to Santa.

Now you can utilize this powerful Orwellian tool in other aspects of your life! Here are some alternate uses for Elf on the Shelf, along with statements from satisfied customers.



Elf at the Office
“I used to steal paper by the ream, but I just can’t with that little demon watching my every move.”
–Sally, Bad Employee

Elf on the Dash
“I have five DUIs. Five. Before Elf on the Dash, nothing could stop me from getting behind the wheel while drunk. That little bastard changed all that. He is my best friend and I will not disappoint him.”
–Hank, Crazed Alcoholic

Elf on the House
“I live in a very dangerous part of town. I used to pay good money for home security, but not anymore. With that toy elf stapled to my door, I feel safer than I ever have. I took the bars off my windows and stopped locking my door. Nobody’s gonna rob me if it means they won’t be visited by Santa–that just doesn’t make sense!”
–Billbert, Not the Brightest Bulb in the Box

Elf in the Pocket
“I was cheating on my husband with literally everyone in town. One day I was getting it on in a public restroom and that little elf tumbled out of my coat pocket. When I looked into his beady little eyes, I saw something in myself that I didn’t like. Since then I’ve quit cold turkey. Cheating on my husband is one thing, but I just can’t bear the judgment from that adorable little elf.”
–Martha, Terrible Person


*This piece was published on Kipzio.com. Click here to visit the site.*

Putting Songs on Blast #10 (Holiday Edition)

SONG: (There's No Place Like) Home for the Holidays
ARTIST: Perry Como
LYRIC: "From Atlantic to Pacific. Gee, the traffic is terrific!"

I'm sure that back in the Stone Age when this song was written, seeing traffic (or even a car, for that matter) was a big deal. When I hear this song on the radio in traffic now it feels like the singer is just mocking me.

SONG: A Holly Jolly Christmas
ARTIST: Burl Ives
LYRIC: "Say hello to friends you know, and everyone you meet."

I'm pretty sure saying hello to "everyone I meet" includes my friends. Don't waste my time with superfluous lyrics, bozo!

SONG: Please, Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas)
ARTIST: John Denver
LYRIC: All of them.

With a children's choir singing, "Please daddy don't get drunk this Christmas, I don't wanna see my mamma cry," this has got to be the most depressing holiday song ever.

I may have just saved planet Earth

Yesterday Donald Trump selected Scott Pruitt, a close ally of the fossil fuel industry and a climate change skeptic, to run the Environmental Protection Agency. Naturally, upon hearing this I immediately reached out to Leonardo DiCaprio via Twitter.

You're welcome, Earth!

Season's Greetings

The London Philharmonic Orchestra made a really beautiful holiday video card that you can send to your friends and family for free. Think of how much money you'll save by sending these out instead of buying people gifts! (If someone calls you out for being a cheap bastard, you can just tell them that they don't know the real meaning of Christmas.)

To send a card visit philharmonia.co.uk/christmas and click "Send E-Card."

Just in time for the holidays

I made a new bumper sticker for people who say their "kids have paws."

Constructing a narrative

My daughter is only two, but she's already making connections between objects in her books. For example when we turned to this page she said, "that bear is gonna eat that baby."

A man and his fence

A few months ago a guy in my neighborhood decided he would protect his yard by installing a wrought iron fence. I passed his house several times during this construction project and witnessed him go through each phase of what I'd like to call "The Five Stages of Fence Installation."

Step 1: Denial
I have to assume he bought the fence after being assured by the salesperson that it was preassembled and would be "easy to install." Instead of giving up when he realized it wasn't going well, he went all in and stuck it out until the bitter end.

Step 2: Anger
I witnessed this man hammer his fence so furiously that for a second I thought he was fending off a Graboid rising from the ground like in the movie Tremors.

Step 3: Bargaining
When I passed by a third time, he was on one knee. Some might mistake this as an act of surveying the perimeter, but I knew from my previous observations that he was simply begging the fence for mercy.

Step 4: Depression
The last time I saw this man he was standing on the sidewalk staring slack-jawed at his yard, a mournful expression on his sweat-strewn face.

Step 5: Acceptance
I don't know if this fence is insanely hard to install or if the guy just lost his effing marbles, but the fence is still standing exactly as he left it, four months after his heroic attempt.

The definitive authority on cloud shapes

Have you ever glanced up at the clouds and thought you saw a familiar shape? Well I hate to break it to you, but whatever shape you thought you saw was probably wrong. Don't worry, the QuizUp trivia app is here to tell you what's what!

Whoa, Dog. Whoa!

WHAT



HAPPENED



IN THAT MAZE?

R.I.P. Vine

Twitter just announced that they're shutting down their 6-second video service Vine. I didn't use Vine much, but I did make copies of the few videos I made before I posted them (shout-out to OCD!). Here they are with their original captions.


These single serve napkin dispensers really add a side of guilt to my dining experience.



I'm no expert on braille, but I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be bumpy?



This toy is possessed.



Something's wrong with my newspaper.



This is what I imagine was going on at a recent Twitter corporate meeting.

It's the thought that counts?

The holiday season is upon us and in the spirit of giving I thought I'd share a rare example of corporate generosity. Michelob Ultra is currently running a promotion wherein a portion of their proceeds will go towards trail restoration.

That's right, for every 30-pack case they sell, Michelob will donate a genuine American penny! If you drink 30 beers per day during the 84 day promotion period Michelob will contribute a $0.84 to help sweep up a dirt trail or something!*

*It should be noted that in this scenario the good people of Michelob would turn a modest $2,000 profit.

Happy holidays everybody!

The circle of life

As everyone with a brain knows, it's not a matter of if you'll be killed by a wild animal, but when. To that end, the Centers for Disease Control has created a ridiculously awesome infographic (heavy emphasis on the ridiculous part) which breaks down our natural enemies state by state.

Check below to find out how you'll meet your maker!

The Last Man on Earth Bingo Game!

I created a Last Man on Earth bingo game! Click here to print out 4 different bingo cards and play along on Sunday nights!



If you haven't watched the season 3 premiere yet click here to watch it online for free. Good luck!

10 Year Blogiversary!

Today marks the 10 year anniversary of More Rants than Raves!



I am proud to say that I've written an average of one post every four days since starting this blog. In fact, I'm so proud of myself that I made myself an award.

I'd like to humbly accept this award on behalf of myself. Thank you to my wife for your encouragement and support. I love you so much. Oh and kids, if you're reading this, go to bed!

Barb!

I came across this image at random. It was created by artist Jeff T. Owens, and even though it will only resonate with people who've watched Stranger Things, it's just too badical not to post.

Rocking road

I recently discovered that there are a few roads around the world that play music when you drive on them. Precisely placed rumble strips vibrate against your wheels to produce the notes.

Here's a video of one of these "musical roads," located along Route 66 in New Mexico. If you drive exactly 45 mph, you hear the end of "America the Beautiful."



Interesting fact: If you drive this road in reverse it tells you that Satan is real, and he's running for president.



The band OK Go took the musical road idea to the extreme in their video "Needing/Getting," and the results are awesome.

Li.st #17

And the survey says . . .

I agreed to take a survey in an app and they said they needed to ask me a few questions first.



What are these people up to?!

Stella Artois

RATING: 4/5



This is one of the most hyped beers ever. Many of my friends love to drink Stella and are super excited when it's on sale at a bar. To be honest I never understood the acclaim, until I sat down to write a review and actually paid attention to the beer's more subtle flavors.

Stella Artois tastes similar to Heineken, except with a sweet finish rather than a skunky one. It has great drinkability (to use a word that means basically nothing), and the flavor is buttery smooth.

I'm still not sure it deserves its cult following, but I have to admit that I'm starting to drink the pilsner flavored Kool-Aid.


Hope you enjoyed my month of beer reviews! Stay tuned for some non-beer related posts!

Elysian Superfuzz Blood Orange Pale

RATING: 4/5



The label is trying way too hard to be cool, but the beer itself is actually pretty rad. Subtle flavor of grapefruit and blood orange. It has the body of a light beer with a 6.4% abv, which is impressive. I felt like it was a little over-carbonated, but I can’t take off points for that since it is called “superfuzz.”

Amstel Light

RATING: 3.5/5



I’ve always looked to Amstel Light as my go-to light beer (when I can afford it). It doesn’t have much complexity in the taste, but let’s be honest—how many light beers do?

They don’t sell Amstel (regular) in the US, but when I stayed in Greece for a few months I drank it and I remember it being super good. To be fair I was 16 at the time and was able to drink it in cafes, so even if it tasted like fermented horse piss I probably would’ve still thought it was amazing.

Blue Moon Brewing Company Cinnamon Horchata Ale

RATING: 3/5



This beer smells exactly like actual cinnamon horchata. My first sip was great! I think that I just had such low expectations that I was surprised it wasn't terrible. The key is subtlety. The beer is very light and has a light flavor. It doesn't hit you over the head with horchata sweetness.

It still doesn't taste like an actual beer, but I think it does a good job for a flavored brew.

*Bonus: I found this awesome photo on the Internet, complete with ceramic deer head and crystal ball!

Evans Brewing Company Chocólatté Porter

RATING: 4/5



A nice porter. Not too heavy, which is always a concern. I didn’t taste the “chocolate explosion” that was advertised on the bottle, but there was a distinct semi-sweet chocolate flavor, followed by a coffee aftertaste. Would make a great fall seasonal beer.

Sierra Nevada Torpedo Extra IPA

RATING: 4.5/5



A very good beer with a sweet aftertaste. Not malty syrup sweet, brown sugar sweet. I also tasted hints of pine and citrus. It's similar to classic Sierra Nevada Pale Ale, but with a bolder flavor and higher alcohol content. I also like that it doesn’t have the acidic heartburn-inducing finish that plagues a lot of IPAs.

Sierra Nevada is a powerhouse when it comes to introducing new varieties of beer. Well done!

Guinness Nitro IPA

RATING: 2/5



I really wanted to like this beer. I love IPAs and Guinness Draught is my favorite beer of all time, so this should be a no-brainer, right? Not so much.

Strike 1: The taste. This doesn't taste like an IPA. It has the honey sweet flavor of a lager. Another problem is that it has super low carbonation, which works for Guinness Draught, but does not work for this IPA.

Strike 2: The numbers. At 5.8% abv, I'm pretty sure is illegal to call this thing an IPA. Also, selling it in 11.2 ounce cans instead of the traditional 12 ouncers is a real dick move.

Strike 3: The instructions. Here are the actual instructions from the beer case:



Who in the world doesn't know to pour liquid into a glass?!

That's three strikes Nitro, YOU'RE OUT!

Oh Guinness, why are you constantly trying to rebrand yourself when you already have the recipe for liquid gold? Just stick with what works!

Sierra Nevada 11.5˚ Plato

RATING: 4/5



Smooth IPA flavor with a barely bitter bite. It would make a great offering at parties, because it's light on the stomach and not too bitter for the average beer drinker.

Strand Brewing Co Harvest Ball Orange Wheat

RATING: 5/5



Fantastic. I find that wheat beers usually have a mustiness to them that distracts from more subtle flavors. This one hits the mark perfectly. I couldn't stop drinking it. Unfiltered but it didn’t taste yeasty. Detected a hint of coconut. A great summer beer.

Drake’s Brewing Company IPA

RATING: 3.5/5



You used to pour me out with no foam
Late night when you need my buzz
You used to pour me out with no foam
Late night when you need my buzz
And I know when that beer tap spring
That can only mean one thing
I know when that beer tap spring
That can only mean one thing

I detected a hint of berry flavor in this beer. The brew is a nice change up from the traditional IPA format, but nothing that blows away the competition.

Pizza Port Brewing Company Swami’s India Pale Ale

RATING: 4/5



I have to admit that I was skeptical after trying the Pick Six, but I was pleasantly surprised with their straight IPA offering. Rich flavor, but light enough to enjoy on a hot beach day.

Lost Coast Brewery Sharkinator White IPA

RATING: 3/5



Automatic points for having a robot shark on the label. This beer seems like an IPA “light,” if that makes sense. Smooth and not very bitter with a very mellow IPA flavor.

A good summertime drink, but this is another beer that says “with natural flavors” on the label. What is with that? It sounds like cheating to me.

Pizza Port Brewing Company Pick Six Pilsner

RATING: 1.5/5



This brew scalds the tongue with a peppery orange rind blast of flavor. The bouquet is one of a lemon dish soap. What I’m trying to say is that this beer tastes pretty shitty. I’m not sure what they are going for, but this doesn’t taste like a pilsner to me at all.

Pizza Port Brewing Company Kook D.I.P.A. (Double India Pale Ale)

RATING: 4/5



I guess I shouldn’t judge a beer by its cover. These tall cans are covered in super cheesy ‘80s style drawings, which I have to admit made me hesitant to buy this beer. I also question the name “pizza port” when the beer is neither a port, nor is it pizza flavored.

Nevertheless, this beer delivered (pun intended). It was almost too easy to drink for such a high high alcohol content and would pair great with, you guessed it, pizza. Not the best thing I’ve ever tasted, but a good showing from a weird looking brand.

Sierra Nevada Nooner Pilsner

RATING: 4.5/5



Smooth, easy to drink and would pair well with almost any dish. This is one of the best pilsner's I've ever had. I really enjoyed the subtle hop flavor and crisp light finish. Definitely towards the top of my Sierra Nevada picks, which is saying a lot.

Sierra Nevada Hoppy Lager

RATING: 3.5/5



This beer tastes kind of like a porter with a slight barleywine aftertaste. I'm not a big fan of barleywine. Back in the day barleywines like Sierra Nevada's Bigfoot Ale were popular because of its insanely high alcohol content and its limited availability. Nowadays you can find a similarly high abv in many IPAs (without the malty sweet flavor).

Anderson Valley Summer Solstice Ale

RATING: 2/5



This tastes kind of like if Pamplemousse La Croix was turned into a beer. And even though Pamplemousse La Croix is the best flavored soda water there is, I don't want my beer tasting like soda water.

Anderson valley has some great stuff, but they're going in the wrong direction by adding flavors to their beers.

Deschutes Pinedrops IPA

RATING: 3/5



Just another okay IPA. I feel bad because it's a good beer and some care went into making it. To be honest I think I'm having IPA fatigue. It seems like every beer company is rushing to put out ten different versions of IPAs and most of them taste pretty much the same.

This isn't a bad beer, but there's nothing that would make me choose it over any other IPA in the fridge.

Kern River Brewing Company Sequoia Red

RATING: 4/5



This is a good red ale. A bit light on carbonation, but I like that it isn't too sweet. I usually steer clear of red ales because about 4/5 are terrible. This one's in the top 20%. I tasted honey and nut. It'd be nice to drink by the pool on a hot day.

Two Hearted Ale

RATING: 4/5



This beer kind of reminds me of Mad River Brewing Company’s Jamaica Red Ale, but not quite as tasty. I think. It's been a long time since I had that beer. I know–these details are super helpful, right?

Evans Brewing Company The KrHOPin IPA

RATING: 3/5



After trying Evans Brewing Company’s Oaklore Brown Ale yesterday, I had to try their IPA. Unfortunately aside from its similarly cool label, this one doesn’t hold a candle to the last. While it’s not a bad beer, it doesn’t stand out in the surplus of IPAs currently flooding the market.

Like Oaklore this one is light on carbonation, but it just doesn’t work with this style of beer. There isn't a lot of complexity to the flavor, although I did pick up a hint of orange rind (not good) and a yeasty flavor, which is odd for an IPA. Hopefully this brewery will make some moves to step up their IPA game.

Evans Brewing Company Oaklore Brown Ale

RATING: 5/5



Rich and complex without being overbearing. This beer looks darker than tastes, and the light carbonation makes it easy to drink. Reminds me of Red Hook Nut Brown Ale but better. Caramel, coffee and chocolate flavors.

Also, it has one of the most awesome labels I've ever seen. Not only is the drawing cool, but when the label wraps around the bottle it leaves a silhouette of the state of California.

Bud Light Mixx Tail Firewalker Premium Red Hot Cinnamon Apple Cocktail

RATING: 1/5



I know this isn't technically a beer, but it's sold under the Bud Light label so I thought I'd give it a try. Did I think that this abomination would taste good? No. But I taste tested it anyway, just for you.

The smell of this monstrosity alone is enough to send any sane person running for the hills. I imagine this concoction is made by filling a homeless man's filthy sleeping bag with spiced vinegar, letting it steep, and then wringing the bag out over a vat of tepid of Bud Light.

Hints of crisp apple, sour grape, and dirty hobo ballsack.

Lagunitas Brewing Company Hop Stoopid Ale

RATING: 5/5



This beer has everything I'm looking for in an IPA. A strong hoppy flavor with a crisp slightly citrus aftertaste. Not sweet, not too tart. This stuff is so easy to drink it's dangerous.

And as if that wasn't enough, it's available in most supermarkets, it's not too expensive, and since I grew up in the local area it was produced, there's a good chance I partied in the barn pictured on the label.

Coronado Brewing Co. Stingray IPA

RATING: 4/5



I’m conflicted on this one. While I applaud the brewer’s ingenuity, I did feel a little bad drinking beer infused with “real stingray parts.”

Joking aside, this beer is much better than the other Coronado Brewing Co. IPA I reviewed. It has a malty flavor up front and is a bit sweet on the finish. It’s a nice change up from traditionally bitter IPA flavor, but I still prefer a more traditional IPA.

Diselpunk IPA

RATING: 3/5



Too sweet for an IPA. Has a grapefruit aftertaste but not fresh grapefruit, more like chemically engineered grapefruit flavor. I couldn't tell it was 6.9% alcohol, so it gets points for that. The label art looks like a 12 year old nerd boy's wet dream, so it loses points for that.