Congratulations!

You won the lottery!!!

Yes, you actually won the $656 million Mega Millions jackpot - the biggest lottery in history! Apparently there was a mistake and those people that supposedly won didn't really win after all. Congratulations! Now call your boss and tell him to "suck it," then go max out all your credit cards on rich people stuff like Kawasaki jet skis and Grey Poupon!

Here is a composite image of what you will look like once you claim your prize (please adjust for gender, age, and/or race).

*Ha, ha! Sorry to be the one to break it to you, but you didn't actually win the lottery. You just fell victim to one of my classic April Fools' jokes. Don't feel too bad, I'm a master of deception.

Douche & Gabbana

Question: Is this guy really small or is his purse really big?

How to get kicked out of an Applebee's

Man arrested after karaoke stripping

United Press International - March 19, 2012

Florida authorities said they arrested a 28-year-old man who shed his clothing during a karaoke performance at a restaurant.

Sgt. Byron Barnes, a spokesman for the Melbourne Police Department, said Jeffrey Lee Thompson was singing during karaoke night at the Applebee's Restaurant early Monday and the manager tried to stop his performance when he began shedding his clothes, Florida Today reported Monday.

"He was intoxicated. It was karaoke night and he became very involved with his performance," Barnes said of Thompson. "He took his clothes off as he sang to the audience."

Barnes said Thompson punched the manager, knocking him to the floor, and a Palm Bay police officer working at the restaurant used a stun gun to subdue the suspect until police arrived.

Thompson was charged with battery and disorderly conduct.

Party like a patron saint

Check out the email ad I got from Dave and Buster's, encouraging me to celebrate St. Patrick's Day at one of their fine establishments.

Dude, St. Patrick was the bomb! No one partied harder than him. Sure, those rave kids at the bottom of the ad look pretty cool, but they gots nothin' on jolly old Saint Pat. He was a slave for six years and then went on to become an ordained bishop. How could anyone have more fun than that?!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

"One in a million" rant

According to the U.S. Census Bureau's World Population Clock, at the time of this writing there are approximately 7,000,086,975 people on planet Earth. This means that when someone tells you that you're "one in a million," what they're actually saying is that there are 6,999 other people in the world who are exactly like you in every way.

I propose that from now on everyone should say, "you're one in seven billion eighty-six thousand nine hundred seventy-five." I admit it isn't as catchy, but at least it's a compliment.

Ultimate collector's items

Type: Comic Book

Title: Action Comics No. 1

Value: $2.16 million

This comic features the first appearance of Superman. The near-pristine copy pictured below was stolen from actor Nicolas Cage in 2000. It was recovered in 2011 by a man who had bought the contents of an abandoned storage locker in San Fernando Valley.

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Item: Baseball Card

Title: Honus Wagner T206

Value: $2.80 million

Production of the card was stopped quickly and only a few made it into circulation. Wagner refused to allow production of his baseball card because he didn't want children to buy cigarette packs in order to get it. The card is referred to as the "Gretzky Honus Wagner" because it was once owned by hockey legend Wayne Gretzky.

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Item: Coin

Title: 1933 Gold Double Eagle

Value: $7.59 million

All of these coins were supposed to be destroyed when Roosevelt took America off the gold standard. A Mint cashier secretly switched a handful of them with earlier dated Double Eagles before they were melted down.

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Item: Postage Stamp

Title: Treskilling Yellow

Value: $7.87 million

Printed in Sweden in 1855, this stamp is the only one of its kind. It is said to have been found by a Swedish schoolboy in 1885 among a pile of letters left by his grandparents. The stamp was supposed to be green, but was printed yellow by mistake. The tiny stamp (weighing just 0.03 grams) is thought to be the most valuable thing in existence by weight and volume.

Fashion rant

Last week while watching the Oscars I saw actress Missi Pyle talking about her "eco-friendly" dress. At first I thought her outfit looked pretty good considering it was probably made from old soup cans, kitchen sponges, and dirty diapers. Then she revealed that what made her gown so "earth friendly" is that is was made with "cruelty-free silkworms." I shit you not. She assured viewers that no silkworms were harmed in the making of her dress.

When I heard this, my face made the exact same expression as the woman on the left of this photo. I'm just glad that the silkworms finally reached a collective bargaining agreement and can get back to work. I heard it got so bad that they couldn't even afford to buy the silk sheets they work so hard to produce.

You can't make this stuff up

Man shot twice as he tries to shoot caged raccoon

Associated Press - February 27, 2012

A rural Redfield man is being treated for two gunshot wounds after an attempt to shoot a raccoon caught in a live trap backfired.

The Iowa Department of Natural Resources says 68-year-old Larry Godwin was using a 22-caliber handgun to shoot the caged raccoon at around 11 a.m. Saturday when the bullet ricocheted off the cage and struck him in the lower abdomen on the right side. He dropped the gun and it fired again, shooting him again in about the same spot.

He was taken to Mercy Medical Center in Des Moines by private vehicle.

The DNR says the injuries are not believed to be life threatening.

World's tiniest dude

A 72 year old guy from Katmandu is hoping to claim the Guinness record for being the world's shortest man. Chandra Bahadur Dangi is 22 inches tall (about the height of an infant)! Until recently he had never left his village and did not know that he was the smallest man on earth.

Foodie rant

It drives me crazy when people refer to themselves as "foodies." I get it, you really like food. Do you know who else likes food? Everyone on the freaking planet (with the exception of the idiot that I posted about yesterday). Again people, and I really can't stress this enough, you need food to live!

What an idiot

Check out this bumper sticker I saw yesterday.



What an idiot, right? I mean, last time I checked, if we don't have food then we all die. That's basic science, dude. Also, what the hell do you got against farms?! I mean, I'm no hippie, but I'm pretty sure we need farms to grow food. The same food which we need in order to live. You better check yourself before you wreck yourself, bro.

Gmail/Apple rant

Gmail is constantly "updating" their interface and it's driving me crazy. When I signed up for the service I was excited about the simple, clean look and functionality. Since then Gmail has changed its format about a billion times. It seems like every time I log in the buttons are in a different place, and a bunch of new superfluous features have been added.

In my opinion, Gmail is suffering from the same problem that Apple has been experiencing over the last decade. Originally Apple created basic software like iMovie, which made movie editing much easier for the average computer user. Since then they have been gradually complicating the program by adding advanced features. While there is still a vast difference between iMovie and professional video editing programs like Final Cut Pro, Apple is moving away from what made it successful in the first place.

Apple and Gmail, stop while you still can! Keep your software user friendly and clutter free!

iMovie 1

iMovie 11

Itsy bitsy Uniform Resource Locator

I just found a cool web service called Tiny URL. It shortens long website addresses, making them easier to read and send via email. The service is free and the links are permanent. Here's an example.

Let's say you want to recommend a book to a friend. You could cut and paste the web page address into your email like this:

http://www.amazon.com/Boosting-Self-Esteem-Dummies-Rhena-Branch/dp/0470741937/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1328398655&sr=8-1

But then you run the risk of the link breaking due to formatting problems (and, let's face it, the link looks like crap). If you go to Tiny URL and enter the address, it will convert it to a nice small link like this:

http://tinyurl.com/7mdlbdl

You can even customize the address like this:

http://tinyurl.com/confidentdummy

Mad props, yo!

Super Bowl XLVI is rapidly approaching and even if you don't like football, there's plenty to be excited about. In addition to the big game, I'm looking forward to the million-dollar commercials, ice-cold beer, 7-layer dip, and Puppy Bowl VIII (check it out on Animal Planet - it's freaking adorable).

In addition to these exciting distractions, I like to follow the game's "prop bets" to see how they play out. I've listed my 10 favorites below. These are actual bets currently being offered by the Las Vegas sportsbook, Bovada.

I've color coded the bets for those of you who aren't familiar with gambling odds. Green bets are expected to win and red bets are not (although if you bet on them and won, you'd get lots of money).  Orange bets are 50/50.

How long will it take Kelly Clarkson to sing the National Anthem?

Over 1 minute 34 seconds (-120)

Under 1 minute 34 seconds (-120)

Will Kelly Clarkson's bare belly be showing when she sings the National Anthem?

No

Yes (+300)

Will Kelly Clarkson forget or omit at least 1 word of the official US National Anthem?

No

Yes (+250)

How many times will Peyton Manning (brother of Giant's quarterback Eli Manning) be shown on TV during the game?

4 or more times (-130)

0 to 3 times (-110)

How many times will Giselle Bundchen (wife of Patriot's quarterback Tom Brady) be shown on TV during the game?

1 or more times (-150)

0 times (-110)

If Tom Brady's son is shown on TV during the game will he be wearing a Tom Brady jersey?

Yes (-200)

No (+150)

What color will Madonna's hair be when she begins the Super Bowl halftime show?

Blonde (-400)

Any other color (+250)

Will Madonna be wearing fishnet stockings at any point during the Super Bowl halftime show?

Yes (-120)

No (-120)

Who will the Super Bowl MVP of the game thank first?

Teammates (8/5)

Does not thank anyone (11/4)

God (4/1)

Owner (9/2)

Family (7/1)

Coach (12/1)

What color will the Gatorade (or liquid) be that is dumped on the head coach of the winning Super Bowl team?

Clear/water (2/1)

Yellow (2/1)

Orange (9/4)

Red (11/2)

Green (6/1)

Blue (10/1)

Cool label, good beer (#3)

O.M.Gosh

I thought that we were finally in a place as a society where we didn't discriminate against people based on race. I was wrong. While doing my laundry yesterday I happened to glance at the instructions on the back of my detergent bottle. I was shocked to discover that my detergent, while being "eco-friendly," is not a proponent of racial equality.

What's next? Segregated tanning salons? Separate but equal soul food restaurants?

I know that some would argue that the instructions are referring to the color of the clothes that are being washed, but should we really be separating "whites" and "coloreds" in any situation? I for one, launder all my clothing together in a veritable "melting pot" of soiled linens. Sure, my clothes are a muddled mess, but it's a small price to pay to be a walking beacon of racial tolerance.

Completed art sites

Hey blog fans! I'm working on some fabulous new blog entries, but I'm pretty busy and it may take me a while to post them. In the meantime you should check out the art sites that I recently completed.

Our Valuables
I just finished editing and posting 18 submissions that I received before the site went on hiatus. Go check out the new (backdated) photos!

linkinglog
I recently updated about 100 links and completed the project. I also added an "about this project" link to explain the history and evolution of the site.

The Invisiblog
If you haven't already contributed (or even if you have), go make a comment or two on my invisible blog. Don't worry if you can't see the posts - just get creative and comment on what you think I might have written about. . . .

Fictitious fat cats

Ladies and gentlemen I give you the The Forbes Fictional 15.  The people over at Forbes have dedicated their time and resources to create a list of the world's "richest fictional characters." At first I thought the article was a joke, but after perusing the site I realized that the magazine's pencil-pushing poindexters take it very seriously.  The "candidates" must meet a strict set of criteria in order to be included, and their worth is painstakingly calculated using complex mathematical equations.

I'm happy to see that McDuck is still ballin' like a boss.

The Forbes Fictional 15
1. Scrooge McDuck (Uncle Scrooge comics) = $44.1 billion
2. Carlisle Cullen (Twilight) = $36.2 billion
3. Artemis Fowl II (Artemis Fowl novels) = $13.5 billion
4. Richie Rich (Richie Rich comics) = $9.7 billion
5. Jed Clampett (The Beverly Hillbillies) = $9.5 billion
6. Tony Stark (Iron Man) = $9.4 billion
7. Smaug (The Hobbit) = $8.6 billion
8. Bruce Wayne (Batman) = $7.0 billion
9. Mr. Monopoly (Monopoly games) = $2.6 billion
10. Arthur Bach (Arthur films) = $1.8 billion
11. Jo Bennett (The Office) = $1.2 billion
12. C. Montgomery Burns (The Simpsons) = $1.1 billion
13. Chuck Bass (Gossip Girl) = $1.1 billion
14. Gordon Gekko (Wall Street) = $1.1 billion
15. Jeffrey Lebowski (The Big Lebowski) = $1.0 billion

[Insert manhole joke here]

Dear sewer worker dude/dudette,

First off, thank you for your diligent work keeping the alligators from escaping the sewers. I have yet to spot one in my neighborhood.

Secondly, I wanted to ask if it would be possible for you to make sure that the manhole covers are straight the next time you crawl up out of the sewer. I know that this may seem trivial to you, but when the lines don't line up, it drives me a little crazy. Like when iTunes lists one artist in your library twice because of a spelling error, or when you notice that the little ceramic penguin in your study is no longer facing due south.

I'm doing my part. I always cut up the little plastic soda ties before I flush them down my toilet, and I hardly ever turd in the gutter. I'll keep scratching your back if you'll scratch mine (metaphorically of course, I know where your hands have been).

Thank you so much for understanding,

Ryan Danger Sims, B.A., O.C.D.

P.S. Say hi to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for me!

Happy New Year (we're all gonna die)!

It's officially 2012! Enjoy yourself because on December 21st everyone is going to drop dead. Don't believe me? Consider the knowledge that one of the greatest minds of our time, rapper "Lil' Wayne," dropped during an interview with Blender magazine.

"The world is about to end in 2012 . . . ’cause the Mayans made calendars, and they stop at 2012. I got encyclopedias on the bus. The world is about to end as we know it. You can see it already. A planet doesn't exist - there's no more Pluto. Mosquitos bite you and you die."



According to Forbes, Lil' "earned" $15 million last year. If that's not an omen that the world is coming to an end, I don't know what is.