At least we have Spades

I have been playing Spades Plus again on my iPhone and it’s just as fun/horrible as I remember. I enjoy the game, but the app is kind of a dumpster fire when it comes to interacting with other people.

In the game you can give other players virtual “drinks” as a nice gesture. The other day I (under the username Pigbutt McGee) bought a guy a "beer." Rather than thanking me (or just not replying at all), he asked for a Sprite.

Now, I understand that there are recovering alcoholics out there who may not like an image of a beer on their screen. But there are a few important things to point out here. First off, Sprite is not even an option available in the game. Secondly, he could have easily replaced the "beer" himself with an icon of a water bottle or coffee. And lastly, and I can't stress this enough, the beer is not real.

So I came back with this reply:

Then I felt a little bad for being so sarcastic in case he had a real drinking problem, so I decided to play along.

And then, things got weird.

At this point I decided to lean in to his delusion, so he doesn't track me down and try to murder me.

Fun times!

Oscars monologue jokes by Ryan Danger Sims

I wrote some monologue jokes for the E! Live From the Red Carpet Oscars pre show this year, but the segment featuring monologue jokes got cut last minute (which is a very Hollywood thing to happen during a Hollywood event). Aaaaanyway, here are my jokes for your personal enjoytainment™!

Robert De Niro, Al Pacino and Joe Pesci were great in ​The Irishman​. It did so well, Netflix is making a sequel. It’s gonna be called ​The Italian​ starring Colin Farrell, Liam Neeson and Chris O’Dowd.

The movies this year were intense. We watched a maniacal villain go berserk, we cried over lost love, and witnessed some truly epic battle scenes. And that was just ​Toy Story 4​.

1917​ is about WWI. ​Jojo Rabbit​ is about WWII. ​Once Upon a Time in Hollywood​ is about to start a civil war between fans over who is the hottest leading man.

The Joker​ has been nominated for Best Makeup. Maybe for the beginning of the movie. In the second half the makeup department went WAY overboard in my opinion.

In addition to being nominated for 6 Oscars tonight, ​Marriage Story​ has been voted “worst movie to watch on your honeymoon.”

Adam Sandler joked that he’d make a terrible movie on purpose if he doesn’t win an Oscar. We love Adam, but future Academy voters please take note: nobody wants the creator of ​Grown Ups 2​ to actually TRY to make a bad movie.

Although ​Jojo Rabbit​ sounds like a kid’s movie, don’t plan a kindergarten viewing party or you may get accused of being “irresponsible” by another parent even though he dropped his kid off at the party and left to go vape in his car I’M TALKING TO YOU JEFF

Well traveled

I don't like to brag, but...

Drippin' with electrolytes

I was explaining the tradition of dumping Gatorade on a coach's head after a big win to my son and found this delightful video. Enjoy!

Super Bowl LIV Party Game

Super Bowl LIV is one week away and you know what that means. Time for some crazy prop bets! As a special bonus, this year I made a printout that you can print out! Give everyone a copy at the beginning of your Super Bowl party and have a contest to see who gets the most right!



NATIONAL ANTHEM

How Long Will It Take Demi Lovato to Sing the National Anthem?
(From moment she sings first word until she completes saying "brave" for the first time.)
Over 2 Minutes -220
Under 2 Minutes +155

Will Demi Lovato’s Hair Color Be Completely Black?
Yes -190
No +145

COMMERCIALS

Which Commercial Will Appear First? - Audi or Porsche
Audi -125
Porsche -115

Which Commercial Will Appear First? - Coca-Cola or SodaStream (PepsiCo)
Coca-Cola EVEN
SodaStream (PepsiCo) -140

Which Commercial Will Appear First? - Mountain Dew or Toyota
Mountain Dew -120
Toyota -120

Which Commercial Will Appear First? - Pop-Tarts or Doritos
Pop-Tarts +110
Doritos -150

THE GAME

What Will Happen First in the Game?
Sack -120
Touchdown -120

Will a Kicker Hit the Goalpost on a Missed Field Goal or Extra Point Attempt?
Yes +350
No -600

Will Either Team Attempt a 2-PT Conversion?
Yes -135
No -105

Will a Fan Run Onto the Field During the Game?
Yes +700
No -1600

HALFTIME SHOW

How Many Wardrobe Changes for Jennifer Lopez?
0 To 2 Times +110
More Than 2 Times -150

How Many Times Will Alex Rodriguez Be Shown During the Halftime Show?
(Live pictures only.)
0 Times -330
1 Or More +215

Will DJ Khaled Make an Appearance During the Halftime Show?
Yes +170
No -250

Will Shakira and Jennifer Lopez Twerk During the Halftime Show?
(Both Must Twerk for Yes to be graded the winner. Twerk is defined as a dance move involving thrusting hip movements and a low, squatting stance.)
Yes +190
No -290

END OF GAME

What Color Will the Liquid Be That Is Poured on the Game Winning Coach?
Lime/Green/Yellow +320
Orange +450
Red +145
Clear/Water +335
Blue +450
Purple +1400

Who Will the Super Bowl MVP Mention First in His Speech?
Teammates +150
God +210
City +800
Coach +450
Owner +1400
Family Or Family Members +550
Does Not Mention Any Of The Above +500

All wagers are actual bets being offered by Bovada online casino as of 01/26/2020.

Legendary

Irishman Shay Bradley made a recording of himself and requested that it be played at his funeral.

I gave it a shot

What happened to Hermey?!

The character Hermey from the holiday classic Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer has apparently gone through some shit.



I saw him in an ad outside my local grocery store and I have to say he ain't looking too good. I don't know if he inhaled too much gas in dental school or if one of those reindeers kicked him in the head, but I think it's safe to say that old Hermey is no longer the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.

Apparently, breathing is good for you

The 2019 holiday season is over. On a totally unrelated note, I just learned a new way to reduces stress and calm your body's "fight or flight" reaction caused by intense anxiety.

It's a Navy SEAL technique for reducing stress and staying calm called "box breathing." Box breathing has a ton of benefits, including:

+ Positively affecting emotions and mental well-being.
+ Increasing mental clarity, energy, and focus.
+ Zoning out your crazy aunt who loudly complains that all children are lazy and ungrateful while sitting on her ass doing jack shit.

Here's a diagram explaining the process. Start at the top and don't stop until you pass out!*

*That last part is a joke don't sue me.

Cuckoo Bananas

There are all sorts of stories out there of actors doing crazy things on set, but in my opinion this story about Wesley Snipes on the set of Blade 3 (from Cracked.com) tops them all. Enjoy.



Method acting can be a useful tool when you're playing, say, a man who has lost everything and just wants his family back. It's not so useful when you're playing a vampire/human hybrid who hunts other vampires and decapitates people with swords -- especially if your idea of a vampire hunter is actually "someone who smokes weed all day." If it wasn't obvious already, we're talking about Wesley Snipes in the Blade movies, most of which he apparently spent alternately pretending he was a real vampire and getting baked.

Cracked favorite Patton Oswalt recently addressed rumors that Snipes not only had stayed in character all the time during shooting of Blade 3: Trinity, but had also been stoned as hell. Snipes apparently spent all day smoking weed in his trailer and refusing to come out. As a result, they had to rely on stand-ins to shoot most of his scenes, and then simply used close-ups of Snipes for the reaction shots. And by reaction shots, we mean Snipes' emotionless face grunting or saying "Mmm" to everything, which was due to a combination of not knowing what he was reacting to and having the mental agility of a Phish concertgoer.

So, in the movie, many of Ryan Reynolds' funniest lines to Blade were included simply because Snipes wasn't there when he said them -- Reynolds was able to just improvise the most ridiculous stuff, knowing that the movie would always cut to a shot of a stoic Blade saying, "Mmm."

When Snipes did bother to leave his trailer, he spent his time making friends on the set: One time he sat down with director David Goyer and told him he sucked at his job and should quit. When Goyer replied that maybe Snipes should be the one to quit since they could always shoot the rest of the film with the stand-ins, Snipes snapped and tried to strangle the director.

After the assassination attempt failed, Goyer paid a bunch of bikers he had met at a strip club to pose as his security team and drop by the set one day to scare Snipes. The prank worked, as Snipes never got near Goyer again, instead communicating with him via Post-it notes ... which he signed, "From Blade."

R is for RedHanded [and Rikers]

My current favorite podcast is RedHanded. If you are into true crime and/or comedy this show is a diamond in the rough. The hosts strike a perfect balance; being respectful of the subject matter while offering clever and hilarious commentary on the side.

On a recent episode the hosts mentioned that Rikers Island Prison has a Yelp page. I went to check it out and it did not disappoint. Here are a few of the more entertaining reviews:

"3 hots and a cot, 24 hour security, view of Manhattan and the water, what more can you ask for. All for the very competitive price of free! All fees paid for by your hardworking taxpayers."

"Not a bad place for a short stay. Close to La Guardia airport. Kind of hard to get a taxi though. Swimming is dangerous. Guards don't want you to leave."

"This was the first time I went to an escape room. Didn't know what to expect but the staff was going all in. This was a VERY challenging game. Looked for clues everywhere to no avail and it took forever to solve the puzzles and get out. The difficulty level was above my level but at least food was included. This place is only for the hard core escape room enthusiasts!"

CoD Mobile

I've been having a blast playing Call of Duty Mobile lately. Despite not having played CoD on a console for a few years, I have to say that I'm doing pretty dang good on my phone. Just yesterday I got 31 consecutive kills without dying! Also, it's free to play. If you've been out of the game for a while, I highly encourage you to download the app and check it out!

UPDATE 11/14/19:

I just got 44 out of the required 50 kills for my team while shooting at 95.7% accuracy. I'm killin' the game!

Kravitz Glasses

Last week Lenny Kravitz lost his sunglasses. I created the parody account @KravitzGlasses on Twitter and it BLEW. UP. 😎

My original tweet got thousands of likes and my jokes were featured in dozens of news articles, spanning the globe. I also got the pleasure of hearing a joke I wrote being read aloud on the evening news.

Here are links to just a few of the news articles which feature my parody account:

CBS News    |    ABC News    |    NBC News

CNN    |    The Sacramento Bee    |   NME

Invision    |    Tónica    |    Global News

Nicholl Fellowship Quarterfinalist

I am excited to announce that a comedy feature I wrote was chosen as a Quarterfinalist in the Academy Nicholl Fellowships in Screenwriting competition.


The same people who put on the Oscars, people!


For those not familiar with the Nicholl, it is the most prestigious screenwriting competition there is. They received over 7,300 scripts and mine was in the top 5%. I'm not usually one to brag, but while I'm at it I might as well post some stellar comments I received from their readers. 😎




"I found myself laughing out loud several times."

"There are such sharp lines of dialogue."

"It kept me engaged throughout."

"The tone, pacing, and structure are all solid. And the writing style is very readable."

"All told, this was fun to read. And that’s all I can really ask of a script."

"A charming and funny story."

"There’s a lot of heart here."

"The craft is really solid, with strong description and dialogue."

"The characters are well-written and emotionally resonant."

"A good read."

"The writer's voice shines most in those laugh out loud lines of dialogue, as well as the point of view reflected by the characters in their thankless jobs."

"There is some real appeal to this comic concept."

"The voices and dialogue worked, and the description was lean and easy to follow."

"The (main characters) are a great quartet, all with distinct personalities and dialogue, and there’s much amusement to be had in their attempts to be friends."

RDS IRL

I realize that people I haven’t met in real life might assume I look crazy based on my driver’s licenses. So, here’s a photo of my actual face (taken today). Hopefully you won’t walk away thinking “he looked so much better on his ID.”

Hot off the press!

Check out my latest driver's license. Click here to see the collection I started in 1999.

Happy 4th!

May you have as much fun as Phyllis and the morons!

My favorite advice on writing

"Always...stop when you are going good and when you know what will happen next. If you do that every day when you are writing...you will never be stuck."

– Ernest Hemingway

Meanwhile, on Nextdoor

Brian has a complaint.

Facebook is dead, long live Blogger!

I've permanently deleted my Facebook account! I'm sure I'll need to set another one up in the future to monitor my kids activity and/or retain my rights of citizenship to the United States, but for now I am happy. To celebrate I am posting excerpts from a quiz I took on the platform back when Facebook was fun I had an account.


What time did you get up this morning?
Whenever the gardener decided to start blowing leaves outside my window.

How do you like your steak?
Free.

What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
At the cinema? None. I have never been to England.

What is your favorite cuisine?
Do nachos count as a cuisine?

What did you have for breakfast?
A hangover.

Favorite dressing?
A flowing evening gown with a nice lacy trim.

Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
I would like to read God's answers to this quiz.

Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
I'm halfway done with this questionnaire!

What did you want to be when you were little?
I was never little.

Are you a cat or dog person?
Depends on how many drinks I've had. Know what I'm saying people?

Always wear your seat belt?
Yes, even when I am not in the car.

Been in a car accident?
Have I ever!

Do anything spontaneous lately?
Spontaneous is my middle name.

How many tattoos do you have?
None . . . that I know of.

How many are you tagging for this quiz?
I'm spray painting a wall right now.